I hate being a parent

[JulietBurke]

I have name changed for this as I'm so ashamed. Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I have a 10 month old son. I love him, but I hate being a parent and I don't think I can do it any more. He doesn't sleep - he'll only nap on me and wakes every 2hours through the night. Sometimes it takes an hour to get him back to sleep. He was diagnosed with silent reflux a month ago and things improved a bit, but now it's all gone to hell again.

I keep fantasising about life before I met my DH. I had my own flat that was clean and tidy. I want that life back. I keep thinking of ways I could leave - planning where I would go and what I would do. I also have terrible thoughts that I can't talk about.

I cry all the time. DH is miserable and finds any excuse to go out.He would rather stay up late watching TV than go to bed with me.I've lost 3stone off my pre-pregnancy weight because I'm either too exhausted to eat or just can't be bothered. We are also in so much debt I can't see how we will ever get back on our feet.

I don't think I can go on but I don't know how to get out. Please help.

OP the ff works for me because it meant dh could take over feeds. Also there wasn't any up and down doing bottles. I would bring as many bottles as I needed up with me. The bottles already has the cooled, boiled water in them ready to go and just needed the relevant scoops of formula when the baby woke. For me it also made feeding more predictable so my babies would more or less go min 3 hours between bottles so it meant there was psychologically a benefit. I 'knew' after a feed that I could settle in for a decent stretch. I am aware this might not be relevant to you at all as your baby has reflux issues but maybe worth a try.

Well done for asking HV to help you OP. I hope she comes good.

I wish to be a dissenting voice about stopping bf. Whilst I completely understand the point the other posters are trying to make I think stopping would be a bad decision. Not only does stopping bf screw your hormones up for a while (which won't help pnd) but I think you would probably use it as another reason to feel like a failure/feel guilty. I say this from experience.
I understand the need for sleep - do you have enough supply (or the motivation) to express any milk so your DH could do some?
The thing about night-weaning is that you have to be emotionally ready for it, and I wouldn't be ready if I was in your boat. I personally would 'sort' the PND (medication can take only about 14days to work) and then re-appraise the feeding, night-waking etc.
But obviously you just have to do what you think is right - been thinking about you OP and hoping you get the right help

Joseph- I only found out very recently about the impact of stopping breast feeding on PND. Has made me wonder to be honest. I find it astonishing that when I talked to HV in past about my PND and the fact I was stoping bf they didn't mention this! Pretty poor. Not sure it would have changed my mind as was completely desperate to do anything which meant I could get my dh to take over for an entire night.

I'd stop breastfeeding, get some counselling and ask your DH for more help before going down the medication route.
Speaking from experience.

I hope you're doing ok today. I found going back to work helped me enormously, that and getting more practical help.

It does get easier, I promise.

My sympathies OP - I've just been up in the night with a 10mo who I think (charitably) must be getting another tooth. She's not normally a fantastic sleeper but last night I got 5 hrs in between being woken every 1hr-30 mins and I completely empathise with how you're feeling, you're not alone!

I had AND and am being monitored for PND by my GP who had taken it very seriously - there has been so much publicity about PND that you will find your GP will take you very seriously. Your area should also be covered by a perinatal mental health service who should do specialist counselling referrals too - ask your GP (or HV)for this, and antidepressants. I think Sertraline can be taken whilst BF. Like you I am not sure stopping BF will help me much as FF is more faff, esp if you have a partner who is not helpful in the night (and current advice is not to make up feeds with cooled boiled water as a poster has suggested above).
I would carry on BF, ask your HV/GP for help ASAP and a referral to Homestart for a bit of help to give you the occasional break. You will get through this OP :) :) xxx

you need to explain to your dh just how desperate you are feeling. sleep deprivation is just awful and I am sure that everything will seem a bit easier if you tackled that. at 10 months your ds can easily go through the night without milk. I would get your dh to spend a week dealing with all wake ups and settling with just dummy cuddles and water, you should see lots of improvement after a week. or you could try cc or co sleeping. where do you live?

You don't have to stop bf to reduce night feeds - the no cry sleep book looks at this - just set small goals like 3 hours between feeds then try to drop to 2 feeds thn 1 etc

If your partner could give a bottle at his bedtime - ie a 1030 /11 pm thn you would hopefully get a block of sleep that would help you have energy to get baby through a bit longer without night feeding

But you need some real recovery time - could your parents visit and take baby while you sleep? Even if they just hold the baby for a few hours you might start to recover ..?

I'm in the same boat regarding the sleep with my 8 month old. She only naps on me and in the car and bfs all night. I'm trying to switch to formula (she's currently refusing) and doing controlled crying. What keeps me sane is that this is my second baby and I know this phase will pass and I'll have more sleep at some point.

You have my sympathies - this is what I would suggest.
You can hire a sleep coach who will help you and your baby gently sleep through the night. The Sleep coach will support you in building a secure and positive parent/child attachment and also serve to foster a healthy independence. The mission of the Sleep Coach is to provide gentle sleep solutions for parents and children, and ultimately teach the skill of falling asleep.

How are you today OP? Has the Hv been in touch?

You sound just like me ten years ago.

Breaking point was wandering around tesco while my mum looked after dd wondering if I had enough money to buy some bits so I didnt have to go home and then deciding I didn't so I'd just walk to the train station and kill myself instead. I didn't want dd. I didn't want any of it. I just wanted my life back, not to have to worry about anything or anyone but me. I wanted my sleep back.

Plus I also had a useless dh like yours.

I went to the gp the next day. Sat there in the reception crying my eyes out especially when any women with babies came in. They were all managing why wasnt I?

With the help of anti depressants, a wonderful health visitor and a gp I got better. Took a long time.

The one thing that really helped was leaving my useless dh. He is now a good dad with regular contact but he was a useless partner and I felt more depressed and resentful when he was there.

If you seek help and take it things will be better.

I am now remarried. Dd is 11 this year. And ds (!!) Is 18 months. I never ever ever thought id do it again. But I didnt get pnd this time. Its been amazing scary and wonder ful.

Don't feel bad that you hate being a parent because you are just too exhausted and i'm sure you love your baby very much. I feel the same as you, it's not as easy as it looks there's always complications and worries that comes with it. I have two boys, they both have eczema but the youngest 7yr old has it the worse. Even now each night he'd wake up 5-6times per night. It's making me feel lonely and depressed. Since he was a baby I suffered with his erratic sleep behaviour. He'd wake up every 30 mins for a comfort. I wishes I'd gone to the docs or hv instead of suffering in silence. Unlike you. You are fortunate to have a husband who helps out. Mine thought I was making a fuss and only thought of himself that's why we not together anymore. Stay strong and stay positive. Yesterday have past. And tomorrow is another day. Things will get better that what I keep saying to my self.

Still no word from HV. Left another message today.

Last night he managed 90 minutes in his cot before the screaming started again and I had to go and sleep in the mattress in his room. DH stays in our room with the dogs and I feel really isolated.

DH has not eaten since Sunday night. He says he's not hungry. I'm worried he is depressed but he refuses to discuss it with me. I have no idea what to do.

Crap. Name change fail. I am the OP.

Oh Juliet/CC

Massive massive hugs to you. I saw this thread the other day and didn't open it as I could guess the contents!

I have had exactly the same thoughts, today I was fantasising about being single and childless, of course when I was single and childless I was desperate to meet someone and settle down!

Hope you can take some strength from Fairylea's post above. And remember its only a day at a time - or an hour at a time if necessary. Can you nap with baby on you somewhere safe?

And definitely, absolutely get help. For you and DH. When I went to my GP with anxiety recently I was told you can now make a self-referral to MH services (for cognitive behaviour therapy) - my GP just passed on the number, that's all.

Hi Meringue - guess I'm caught out now. I wish somebody had told me when I was single and childless to enjoy it. I had 8 months between moving out of my Dad's house and meeting DH. 8 months of my own space and not having to look after anybody. I looked after my dad from when I was 13 years old. 8 months of pleasing myself was not enough and I definitely didn't make the most of it.

I am useless at napping during the day. I get myself worked up about getting to sleep as I don't have very long, and end up not sleeping.

Fairy thank you for your positive post. I do think life would be a lot better if I could leave DH but it's just not possible. Even if I went back to work full time, after nursery fees I wouldn't even have enough money to cover the mortgage (or rent in this area), never mind anything else, so what can I do? I am trapped at least until DS goes to school.

Aw Cupcakes :( How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 34 and was single (excluding a few flings) from 21-29, so I've definitely done the single thing! And was miserable, ironically.

Do you manage to get out and about much with the pram? I find it tires me out so I can sleep well when I do get the chance. If LO is still sleeping when I get home I also sometimes kip on the sofa with door open to hall. I play a trick to relax: I tell myself "I'll just rest my eyes for ten minutes then if I can't sleep I'll get up and do something..." Usually I nod off.

I'm not really qualified to give relationship advice but don't forget if you did decide to leave, you'd be entitled to Working Family Tax Credits, child maintenance etc.

Meringue I'm 32. I was mostly single until I met DH when I was 25, however my mum left when I was 12 and I had to take care of my Dad until he met somebody else and "encouraged" me to move out when I was 24. So I hardly had any time to enjoy life, really, and I regret that immensely. I chose a university close to home so I could continue to be there for my Dad and as a result didn't get the degree I wanted and have ended up in a dead-end job. Sorry, off topic.

Finally got hold of the HV. She is coming on 9th December.

I would be entitled to maintenance but DH wouldn't pay it. He is useless with money and is the reason we are in debt. As he is self employed it couldn't be taken at source.

He has been screaming for an hour. I can't blame him, he's afraid. When he first starts to cry I don't pick him up and rock him and soothe him like a decent mother. I scream at him to shut the fuck up. I'm rough with him. I dump him sobbing in his cot and leave him. I wonder how long I would need to hold a pillow over his face. I always swore I wouldn't treat my child the way she treated me but I guess the apple never falls far from the tree.

I have told DH I want to leave and give him sole custody of the baby.

Hi Cupcakes, I've just read your most recent post and the rest of the thread and really didn't want to read it and not respond. As previous posters have said (and so many have given such good advice; I hope you have found it helpful) you absolutely need to get help now. You are not a bad parent but what you are going through with your son's sleeping and the lack of support from your DH is incredibly difficult for you; it would be for anyone. But it is not going to get better without you getting professional help and support, and with regards to your family and friends, I feel that they must see what you are going through and if not, make them aware- you must not feel ashamed to ask for help. As others have said, if you decide to leave your partner (which I could completely understand you choosing to do) you would get financial support, so please try not to let the worry of money affect you....easier said than done I know; I'm not belittling how difficult a decision it is for you.
Anyway, I have waffled on and perhaps not made much sense (this is actually my first ever MN post) but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, despite it feeling that way. There ARE people willing to help you but you must make the move to get that help, for you and your son. Please keep posting to let us know how you are. X

Hi Cupcakes. I've been reading your thread and felt that I couldn't not reply after reading your last post.

I just wish that I could come round and help you out and support you - you really sound like you could use an ally. Your comment in your post about wondering how long you would need to hold a pillow.., is really worrying me. I think you must talk to someone sooner than Dec 9th. Can you get an emergency appointment to see a GP, or phone the HV and explain exactly how you are feeling to see if she could come sooner?

If that's not possible then keep posting here so that you can be listened to and supported as much as possible via this thread.

You are not a bad mother - a bad mother wouldn't care or want to do better. You are just like the rest of us, you are doing what you can with the cards you've been dealt. Having a non-sleeping baby and a shitty DH would challenge anyone.

You need help NOW.

Do not wait for that ridiculously late appointment.

Get help however you can and tell them you are thinking about harming your baby and are neglecting him (this is not your fault but must stop now).

Phone your gp and see them today. If you can't then gethtthe number for your local community mental health team and contact them directly.

Or phone nhs direct.

Or failing that contact social services and they will get help to you and your son.
PLEASE get a professional in rl involved today.

All the very best to you. I hope you get better soon.

As everyone is saying it sounds like you have PND.

I feel for you so much. You sound just like I was. You must get professional help. It changed my life.

You also need to make DH see how serious this is. He needs to wake the fuck up and help you. You've got to share the nights or you will die. As already said sleep deprivation is torture. My son also had reflux. What have you been prescribed?

Are you BFing? Controversial I know but I would suggest stopping. Things really improved for me after I stopped.

You must get out of the house and have some social interaction.

Can you bear to get tough with your DS? I found that was the only way in the end. It was torture but we are all much happier.

You will get through this!

Sorry for my last post. I hadn't read your most recents.

Get help now! You don't have to suffer like this. You need some sleep, sertraline and support immediately and to give your crap DH a punch.

Take a deep breath and leave the room for a few minutes