I hate being a parent

[JulietBurke]

I have name changed for this as I'm so ashamed. Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I have a 10 month old son. I love him, but I hate being a parent and I don't think I can do it any more. He doesn't sleep - he'll only nap on me and wakes every 2hours through the night. Sometimes it takes an hour to get him back to sleep. He was diagnosed with silent reflux a month ago and things improved a bit, but now it's all gone to hell again.

I keep fantasising about life before I met my DH. I had my own flat that was clean and tidy. I want that life back. I keep thinking of ways I could leave - planning where I would go and what I would do. I also have terrible thoughts that I can't talk about.

I cry all the time. DH is miserable and finds any excuse to go out.He would rather stay up late watching TV than go to bed with me.I've lost 3stone off my pre-pregnancy weight because I'm either too exhausted to eat or just can't be bothered. We are also in so much debt I can't see how we will ever get back on our feet.

I don't think I can go on but I don't know how to get out. Please help.

Juliet you are not alone. I did a self referral to the local MH team on line & got an appointment with a counsellor within days. Where in the UK are you?

Adding my voice to the others....

I had one SR DS. It was honestly the worst experience of my life, and I've not been without crap happening.

Accept your thoughts more - yes! You need to seek some support and perhaps outside mh assistance (I didn't, could never decide whether it was pnd iyswim) but also recognise that this is what many rational normal human beings would also think in the situation you're in- it's horrible, of course you want to escape!!!!! I remember (4th night on no more sleep than 3 hours) shaking with tears on my bed wailing 'I want my life back' - not my proudest moment, but certainly up there with my most human. I was so sleep deprived once that I didn't know what my DS was let alone who he was.

If there is any way you can get someone else to cover a nightshift for a day but maybe more - do it.

Do what other people have suggested - watch diet - for us, any fruit is torture, for example. Tomatoes are the devils work. But his problems with dairy have subsided (he's 17m)

Experiment with meds. Omeprazole was the only thing for us. You might need to alter dose.

Never blame yourself for feeling the way you do. You're in a shit situation and it challenge anyone not to feel similar emotions....

Please please please get help. Sleep deprivation gets you so down you can't think straight and the depression from it is crippling. Is there anyone who could look after your baby for a few hours every few days? Just so you can sleep?
I've been so tired I've ended up hating my poor little dd, I've screamed, cried, despaired.
But now on average she's gone from taking two hours to settle and sleeping 45 minutes at a time to doing three to six hours I've realised I love her more than anything and what an amazing little person she is. It's purely because I'm getting some sleep and not just shutting my eyes for half an hour. And I didn't make a huge mistake after all.
It can get better. Go back to your gp for your and your baby

Please please please get help. Sleep deprivation gets you so down you can't think straight and the depression from it is crippling. Is there anyone who could look after your baby for a few hours every few days? Just so you can sleep?
I've been so tired I've ended up hating my poor little dd, I've screamed, cried, despaired.
But now on average she's gone from taking two hours to settle and sleeping 45 minutes at a time to doing three to six hours I've realised I love her more than anything and what an amazing little person she is. It's purely because I'm getting some sleep and not just shutting my eyes for half an hour. And I didn't make a huge mistake after all.
It can get better. Go back to your gp for your and your baby

Oh you poor darling. I haven't really got any tips, but just to say you are not alone. And many mums will have felt this way. As previous posters have said, you must go and see your GP and tell them how you're feeling. They WILL help you get through this. Thinking of you.

How are you feeling this morning OP?

are you working ? My feelings around parenting changed when I was able to work part time and have a break from my son. I know you are exhausted but sometimes getting out and being in the world is much less tiring than being with a baby all day.

You need a break from your child. If your parents are so besotted you need to explain you are on the edge of break down and get them to take him for a day - can they do this? You say they are besotted as though that means they won't understand - but it is you that is suffering here, they can love him and still understand that.

If you are in debt i know money will be tough - but somehow, you need help;

I don't know how homestart works - but number one I would say you need sleep and a break from your child.

I feel the same this morning and every morning. Tired and just wanting to get through the day.

My parents aren't really in a position to help - my father is recovering from Radiotherapy and although he loves my son he is not a "hands on" sort of person when it comes to babies. My mother has just had surgery on her knee so can't do anything. It's not worth the hassle asking DH - the night before last I woke him to ask for his help. He managed to stay awake for less then 20 minutes and the next day was constantly whinging that he was so exhausted. He was asleep before me last night.

I work three mornings a week. My job changed whilst I was on Maternity Leave so I'm trying to learn a whole new role which is beyond my capabilities. At the moment I get 2 hours off once a week to take my dogs to a training class, however this will stop in a few weeks as we can't afford it. My car had to be scrapped and we can't afford to replace it, so I'm having to cancel everything I'm involved in as I can't get there (and we can't afford to take DS to these things anyway). We live in a rural area so I can't even get to a supermarket.

I am still breastfeeding so can't really leave him for a day / overnight. He will only settle to sleep if he is nursed.

your dh is an absolute arse. difficult to know what to suggest when he is so unhelpful - I would say could he take a couple of days holiday so you can sleep in the day, but I know its tough when BF - can you move to formula for some feeds?

OP I have been where you are and only about 4 months ago did I come out of a 15 month post natal depression ( I had it with my first child too but this time was far worse). My advice to you is practical. I suggest Moving your child to formula feeding. I did it very quickly with mine once I realised I was cracking up. The routine and predictability it bought to the situation helped massively. Once I started to be able to get just a bit more sleep at night my outlook very very slowly started to improve. Secondly your DH should not have the luxury of deciding whether to help or not. I would be very straight with him about your thoughts and feelings and tell him he'd better sort out his attitude or he'll have a whole heap of different problems to deal with. My DH would come through the door from work id hand over the baby and toddler and go to bed. And fwiw no he wasn't impressed but depression is an illness and in conjunction with sleep deprivation is very dangerous. You must look after yourself as a number 1 priority now. The baby and your DH will just have to fall in. You are no good to anyone in this state. Lastly please go to the GP. These days they are very up on depression and they can and will help. I agree about trying to see a female. You can specify this. Every day you don't do this is another day of feeling like this, I know from experience how awful it is and I guarantee you that you will get over this and feel normal again. It is quite literally one day at a time but you must make the changes to give yourself that chance. Sorry if this is coming over all proscriptive it's not intentional. I just know how pointless and overwhelming and bleak everything seems and it's so fucking hard. Please be kind to yourself. Good luck. X

I guess I am not really adding anything new here, but I felt I should post to add support. You are definitely suffering from depression, and it is definitely being made worse (or even caused) by long term severe sleep deprivation and from the sound of it isolation.

I agree with everyone who has suggested seeing your GP, I am pretty sure they will listen and help, whether that be with medication to ease the symptoms while recovery happens, or by pointing you towards groups who can help by either being a listening ear or even offer practical help from voluntary groups (e.g. Family Friends) who can offer real assistance and possibility of a break.

I also agree you should try to sit your DH down and explain how desperate you feel, and spell out very clearly that things are at breaking point unless he steps up more. I understand the situation with your parents, must be difficult for them to take your DS off your hands, but can they not at least spend more time with you, give you adult company, even be a taxi service to help you get places?

Finally I wanted to also say that it really does end, and the feelings of wanting to turn back the clock and take a different path do fade. I have 2 DC and have felt what you are feeling with both of mine and it is soul destroying when you are in a place where you feel trapped and have no way to undo what is done. When my DD was very young (I think 4m from memory) I even had a tearful conversation with my DH about how I felt, like I had ruined our lives, and unlike other major decisions in life this one could not be undone, and he (trying to be helpful and not suggesting for real) mentioned that actually it could and that there was always adoption. It felt like he had ripped my heart out when he said those words and I was left feeling like the worst person in the world to have made my DH even mention that option. My DD is now 4 and started school this year and I could not possibly imagine a life without her in it, or indeed my 2yr DS who at 5m I told my DH I had no feelings for! There are of course aspects of my old life that I miss (definitely the calm & tidy house I used to have), sometimes miss badly, but I would now never choose to go back.

Please get some help and talk to your husband and family. Good luck xxx

Can you speak to gp today OP or your health visitor?

Sorry - I have just read your previous post about not being able to see GP. I feel SURE that they will not fob you off as you were wrongly told as a teen.
Are there other HV's who cover your area?
apni.org
These people can help you now OP

These guys are brilliant. They can talk to your debtors and they've done wonders for friends I know

capuk.org/i-want-help/cap-debt-help/how-cap-can-help

Parenting is utterly crap a lot of the time. Especially when they're young. Make everything as easy as you can for now. Revolve your day around your ds' nap so you get that bit of 'me' time. And book your parents in for regular babysitting slots. On a saturday even so you and your dh can sleep/do something spontaneous etc.
take care

JulietBurke You are depressed and even though they are were worse than useless last time they will be different this time. Times have changed and they take depression in new mums seriously. You have to go. You need help and you sound like you definitely need medication. Imagine feeling better within a few weeks. Go on, what have you to loose?

I had 3 with reflux. Im still going through it now with my 3rd. It is hell on earth isn't it? They are moany babies, whingy, terrible sleepers, eaters. It would test anyone.
It's not who they are though. He hasn't had a chance to be him yet. He is miserable, in pain and uncomfortable and he hasn't had the chance to show his mummy how lovely he is going to be. He hasn't had the chance to shine because every day is testing for him too.

Reflux disease is extremely painful and burns their Esophagus to shreds. It always takes a while to get the first diagnosed as the doctors are worse than useless with this disease.
He has raw scaring to his throat and tummy that will take months to heal. He WILL grow out of it and he will change so much month to month getting better and better now I promise you juliet. If my first boy had stayed the same he or I would not be here now and that is no sweeping statement.
He became the easiest going and smiliest toddler ever. I had my chance to feel smug around all the super mums who fed their babies without problems and they slept through.
Their little angels were having manic tantrums while my easy going boy looked on confused. He was just happy to have a throat!

My girl then had it bad. I ended up getting treatment for anxiety it was a nightmare doing it again but she snapped out of it by 6 months as she was treated by 7 weeks.

I then fell PG with my 'surprise' third! You can imagine my joy!

He has been the worst. He is one moany moany baby and he is 15 months now. I stupidly weaned him off the meds but I think it is still there. The other two were totally over it by 12/14 months.

Honestly, I know it feels like your life is ruined and this is you forever but your life won't even resemble this next year. You will get the chance to love him when he stops making your life hell. In the meantime GO TO THE DOCTOR. Get meds and let yourself recover from this hell. You don't need to suffer like this. xx

Oh, I missed out 'Doctor' in the first line!

hope you're ok xx keep posting xx

my hv really helped me with my pnd, I wasn't getting much support so she offered to come and do a home visit each week. those chats pretty much saved my life. she was really great and very understanding. she took away my guilt for feeling bad that I wasn't enjoying motherhood.

you ARE allowed to feel this way, you are NOT a bad person xxx

your partner, however, is a shit. if he refuses to help you, stop helping him. I know ut's petty, but the message will get through-just don't cook for him/clean his clothes etc.

unplug the tv

im actually really angry on your behalf. what a SHIT.

I have left a message for my health visitor. Can't quite bring myself to face the gp yet. Have tried to speak to DH however he just offers 'practical' solutions - eg get rid of the dogs (they are the only thing keeping me sane) and stop wasting time on mumsnet. He spends all of his evening on facebook but apparently that's different. I'm only online when the baby is asleep on me or when he's fallen asleep in the car and I'm waiting for him to wake up.

I have invited a couple of other mums over for coffee this afternoon but am now panicking as the house is such a state. Their babies will go home covered in dog hair.

Look don't worry there are certain up and downs because everything is the first time if you have trouble coping as an parent its better to find a solution and calm yourself and handle the situation.

I wish I had been invited round op as I would do any chores you wanted me to. And I wouldn't mind my baby covered in dog hair either.

Hope you hear from the HV soon and try to relax and enjoy your afternoon.

Well done for contacting your HV.

If you feel intimidated about telling her everything then could you write it down? How you feel, how little sleep and support you have, exactly the level of desperation you've got to. Sometimes we try too hard to cope.

Your DH is an arse. Sometimes men need spelling out to them what needs to be done. No, you shouldn't have to, but I think many just don't see the mess/piles of washing/shopping needs. Sit him down and tell him you're at breaking point. Time off should be shared, so when he comes home he helps equally until you can both sit down. And at weekends you need an hour off at least, not just for dog walking but to go and get your hair done or have a coffee without a screaming baby.

Be brutally honest with him - does he really think you'll be together in a year if he doesn't help you now? Give him some literature about pnd too. Spell it out for him, calmly and without anger, but don't hold back. This will finish your relationship if he doesn't help. How could anyone watch the person they love on their knees with fatigue and not do everything in their power to make life easier.

I have to say I do agree with a pp about switching to formula. It may not help sleep but it means it doesn't have to always be you feeding overnight. I bf both of mine and switched to formula at about 7m for work, both slept better when the breast milk cafe was no longer open all night.

Good luck OP. Keep posting.

Those who have suggested switching to formula - I don't really understand how it will help? At the moment when he wakes up in the night I just have to shove the boob in and with a little luck he'll eventually drop off having his milk, or at least calm down enough for me to rock him back to sleep. If I switch to formula I'll have to be up and down making up bottles won't I?

"D"H has now decided that "we" should do CIO. As if "we" do bloody anything. It's all on me, so what business is it of his? He said "we've" exhausted every other solutions. Well, no, actually - we haven't tried anything that involves HIM getting off his backside and doing something.

Well formula does tend to work in conjunction with sleep training - that's how it worked for me - at ten months my ds was not feeding at night anymore - he was just like you describe until I stopped breast feeding. Up every hour or two - so you would not be up making bottles because you would start to night wean him - personally I foun this easier when bottle feeding because I watched him drain a bottle at 1030 so I had the will to push him through to 3 then 4 hours until he did start sleeping through

It's mentally easier to get them back to sleep without a feed If you are not able to just shove a boob in their mouth!

I know it is easy feeding them back to sleep but if you go through a week or so of making baby to longer without feeds thy do sleep much much better ... It's habit on both sides

I know it is so so hard when you are tired but it's worth it in the long run - but I have to add that my dp was really involved when we did this - he would go in and comfort ds when he cried and spend an hour getting him back to sleep without a feed ... I couldn't have done if without him as obviously it's more tiring at first

Two useful books - the no cry sleep solution. And for suggestions that do include crying as well as gentle solutions I found the millpond sleep clinic book very helpful

I agree with waterrat.

Night feeding is frequent because it's available. Night weaning definitely improves sleep ime and its much easier to stay firm if you've stopped bf. I know how easy it is to just feed back to sleep, honestly, but it's a habit you will have to break for both of you and i really do understand how much easier that is to say than do.

The No Cry Sleep Solution is great but takes time and persistence. I couldn't do cio. You must use a technique that suits you and your baby (not your DH).