I hate being a parent

[JulietBurke]

I have name changed for this as I'm so ashamed. Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I have a 10 month old son. I love him, but I hate being a parent and I don't think I can do it any more. He doesn't sleep - he'll only nap on me and wakes every 2hours through the night. Sometimes it takes an hour to get him back to sleep. He was diagnosed with silent reflux a month ago and things improved a bit, but now it's all gone to hell again.

I keep fantasising about life before I met my DH. I had my own flat that was clean and tidy. I want that life back. I keep thinking of ways I could leave - planning where I would go and what I would do. I also have terrible thoughts that I can't talk about.

I cry all the time. DH is miserable and finds any excuse to go out.He would rather stay up late watching TV than go to bed with me.I've lost 3stone off my pre-pregnancy weight because I'm either too exhausted to eat or just can't be bothered. We are also in so much debt I can't see how we will ever get back on our feet.

I don't think I can go on but I don't know how to get out. Please help.

I am so sorry - I don't have any advise but I didn't want to read and run.

Have you spoken to someone in real life about this? Doctor? HV?

I really hope someone is along in a bit to offer more sound advice

Oh you poor thing, you need some help.

Real life help and soon.

Please go and talk to your gp/hv and say what yiuve said here. And express those dark thoughts especially if they're about hurting yourself or your baby. Tell them everything.

Your sure state centre can help too. These a charity called homestart who can come and give you a break (mothers help type thing) or just a listening ear.

There's also the Crysis line or the samaritans if you need to speak to someone right now.

The first year is really hard. You can get through this. Sleep deprivation can make everything feel very bleak. What have you tried to get the baby to sleep?

Are there any friends or family who could help?

Have you spoken to the CAB for debt advice?

Post however you really feel. You'll get lots of support.

It sounds to me like u are terribly depressed. Have u spoke to your doctor? I'm so sorry u are feeling this way, u don't need to face it alone please get in contact with ur doctor I can't imagine how exhausted u mist be feeling, proper hand holding for u. Inbox me if u need a chat.

Maybe talk to your gp. Sorry you feel this way.

Oh my love I know exactly how you feel and you need to speak to your GP. Honestly?, I resented having a baby for the first year of my DDs life, it was so much harder than I ever imagined. I had PND and I got help with it and learning to adjust to the huge overhaul of my life.

Things will get easier I promise, and some day soon when DS is giving more back to you than he takes you willl be happy again.

Hugs to you, motherhood is so unbelievably hard.

didn't want to read and run. you sound miserable and desperate, I know from experience that a non-sleeping baby is incredibly hard. sleep deprivation is hell and it can alter your perception so much.

I think your first step should be to see your Health visitor, I'd say GP but IME they don't really know what to say, they'll just give you a questionnaire on post natal depression to fill out and tell you to ask your parent's for help - that's just my experience though (turned out I had severe anxiety, stress and PTSD), your GP may well be much better. your HV can put you in touch with homestart or a similar organisation who might be able to offer practical support - have you any family who could babysit or make you tea while you hold LO?

having a baby is hard enough but silent reflux is just horrible, DS had it as a baby...it was so exhausting and obviously awfully painful for him as well

I'm sure someone will be along in a moment with some good suggestions of what to do but please don't suffer in silence, tell your DH what you're feeling and ask for help too.

Best of luck, hope things ease up soon

Do you go to baby groups? I found them useful with my first, nice to talk to other people who actually want to talk about babies all the time.
My second is almost 10 months and he is a nightmare. I hated the first 9 months, he also doesn't sleep well and I'm only enjoying it more now because he can move around and suit himself a but more because before he could move he was constantly frustrated. I went to see my HV a few weeks ago and burst into tears, she has arranged for a family support worker to come out and visit me. I don't know what she's going to do but I feel good knowing I have some support on the way, could you do that it ring your local sure start centre?

Do you ever get time away from your DS?

You have a non- sleeping baby with silent reflux.

Both of mine had this - it was fucking shit. But much better now.

First of all, I had better success tackling the silent reflux via diet as it's basically heartburn. So for us, no dairy, soya, spicy foods, windy foods as all triggers. They outgrew it by 2-3 years old.

Second of all, ds slept on me for naps until 9/10 months when I had to tackle it as going back to work. I put blocks under the legs of the head end of his cot and put him down on his tummy to sleep. I would transfer him to his cot for every nap once he was in a deep sleep. I kept doing this and he eventually got used to it. He still naps now at 4!

With night sleep, DH and I split the night to share the burden. Didn't always work as I was bf but it helped as I could get rest occasionally.

Try and get out every day for sanity. Also go out as a family even if you feel too tired - because it'll lift you a bit. Pop ds in the pushchair and go for a walk with your DH, little things like that.

The hardest thing for me was the sense of loneliness.

I can't go to my GP. I had depression as a teenager and was told to sort myself out and stop taking resources from people who were really I'll. HV is useless. What can they do anyway? They can't wind the clock back. I have a few RL friends but they are 'fair-weather' friends. Parents are too besotted with my son to hear a word against him.

I just want out, but have nowhere to go.

Go and find a new gp. There's bound to be a decent onei your area. That's not a typical response.

Talk to sure start, you can bypass your hv or ask for another.

Talk to your parents. It doesn't matter how besotted they are with your DS, you are still their baby. Just write them a letter if you think they aren't listening and explain how you feel. If they're good with him could they give you a couple of days and nights break?

Why can't you go to the gp? I am pretty certain you won't get that response now? Can your parents have him for a night so you can get some sleep?

Overall you need to get to the doctor. They will be very understanding. If you have PND they will help.

What's his diet like? (your ds) because you might be able to get improvements if you tackle that.

Also does your DH help?

Can you afford childcare - does your DH gets childcare vouchers?

And if its the same gp as when you were a teenager, ask to see another one.

I think the GP you saw was a prat. Believe it or not some doctors are lovely and know how to relate to their patients (I've seen my fair share of horrible doctors). I'd suggest seeing a female doctor, I have a few female GP's at our local practice, they work part-time because they are mums, and I feel very comfortable with them.

You aren't alone, I think everyone has experienced feelings like yours to some extent. Becoming a mum is a huge change to your life, physically and emotionally. The first year of DS's life was harder than I ever imagined and he was a 'good' baby who slept through the night and ate well etc.!

I think you should definitely tell someone in real life how you are feeling whether it's a GP or HV and give them a chance.

One of things that helped me enormously were to make sure DS and I went out at least once a day. If there were no playgroups on, I would take him to the park, the shops or the library. Even a few minutes chat to a stranger helped me a lot.

The thing is JulietBurke, it's not really your son...it's that parenting is really, really bloody hard. No sleep - and I know about that - and reflux is so fucking awful and hard and demoralising - you HAVE to look at things through those filters. You are sleep deprived and going through hell dealing with the reflux. But - and I say this very very gently - it's not your son. It's not you, it's not your DH. It's the situation. Your parents probably won't hear a word against him because it's not his fault. And it's not yours. It's no one's. It just is.

It will get better. It will. I think an awful, awful lot of people go through feeling like this - like it was all a mistake and looking back on their past lives with rose-tinted glasses. I did, I had weeks of massive drops in confidence, feeling lost, feeling resentful. But that was then - you had your son for a reason, and however you feel - you've done a brilliant job so far. You have to take each day as it comes. Each hour, even. At some point - maybe soon - it will just get that bit easier. One day won't be as hard as the day before. Of course you love your son, but there is also no reason to feel ashamed for how you feel - you're suffering, you're going through a hard time. A really hard time. Cut yourself some slack, get some help - there are lots of online resources, some listed here in this thread.

Courage, my friend. You can do this. You will get through this and it WILL get easier.

Poor you. Reflux is just hellish and it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your baby isn't a good sleeper. And he's not a good sleeper yet, but he will be.

Has your baby got meds for reflux?

I really want you to find a good GP and make an appointment TOMORROW. Three stone of weight loss is dangerous.

Sorry for the caps. Here's a HUG as well.

And don't panic about relationship with DH being a bit wonky at the moment. Once you're back on track, your relationship will get back on track and most people have a shaky first year after the first bay is born....it's a huge adjustment.

Oh my, how awful for you. Some really good advice here so far. If you can't talk to your GP, could you talk to someone on a helpline - anonymously maybe? I've no experience so don't know any specialist services but perhaps Mind or the Samaritans could help. Take care. You can get through this.

Are you still with the GP who told you that as a teenager? If so- ask to see his colleague. If not- you'd have to be very unlucky to find another one that clueless.

There are various things he or the HV could do:

They might be able to put you in touch with an organisation that could offer support.

They might be able to work on a diet that would ease your ds' reflux.

GP might be able to prescribe you something that took the edge of your depression for a while.

Either of them could have serious words with your dh and make it clear to him that he has to start pulling his weight and supporting you. If he was doing his bit, he wouldn't be staying up late watching the telly: he'd be desperately snatching whatever sleep he could before his shift started.

Can I just ask if you're on a contraceptive pill? Only I found mine made my pnd 100 times worse. Things are still not great but I can face things again rather than wanting to opt out.
Please please please keep posting here. No one thinks bad of you and if you need to talk there is always someone here. Get it all out, don't pretend on here.
Go back to the gp, change who you see if you need to. Like others have said, sure starts can help.

1. Sleep deprivation is torture. That's not a fancy metaphor, it's the official UN line.
2. At 10 months any baby can cope without milk for a few hours
3. You have a DH and besotted GPs on hand.

Is there any way at all you could hand baby over to one of them and go lie down in another room with earplugs in?

Yes definitely get GPs and DH on hand to have him for a while, give you a break. Takes a village to raise a child and all that.

Everybody has given good advice about seeking help fro GP and I really don't think you will get that negative response this time. However, my point for coming on was to say that my son was just like yours at 10 months. All my friends babies slept through by about 8 weeks, mine woke hourly at 8 months and cried throughout most of the day...I promise you it gets sooo much better. He still wakes once during the night (he's just turned 2) but that is totally manageable compared to what it was, he is also loads of fun when awake. You will turn that corner. In the meantime, ask for help.

Is your DH actually helping OP?

Are you able to talk to each other any more?

The first year of parenthood can break even the best of relationships, but given time it will get better.

As someone above said, it's not your fault, it's not your sons fault, it's just the situation.

DS woke every 45 mins for 6 months and would only nap on me. It nearly broke me. I can't imagine it carrying on til he was 10 months. Many of us have been there in the shit pit of true sleep deprivation, so tired you can barely remember how to breathe never mind think. You will get support here but you need it in RL too.

Please get some help. TRY. Do not give up.

I haven't time to read the other replies but it really sounds like classic PND. Please speak to gp if he is good. Or HV, similarly.
And consider contacting the APNI - they can put you I touch with a local listener who you can chat to.
You will get past this and you will enjoy it and you will get better

That wasn't meant to sound like you will get better at parenting - I meant get better from this feeling

And sleep deprivation is so unspeakably shit