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Parenting

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Original poster

anyone have more than 3 years between 1st and 2nd?

32 replies

katierocket · 17/02/2004 08:11

I have one DS 2.4 and am desperate to have another. DP wants to wait for 3 or 4 months before starting to try (for lots of reasons but mainly because it's taken until now to get some semblance of sex life back!). I do understand but I am becoming obsessive about it - it's really worrying me that there will be a big gap between ds one and next one. Even assuming I can get pregnant straightaway it will be at least 3 and half years and obviously could end up being much more than that.

anyone else got big gaps between children? does it affect the relationship between them?

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marialuisa · 17/02/2004 08:55

Well, there's 7 years between me and the next child down and 21 years between me and my mum's youngest. I can't say my teenage sisters (late teens) and i bother with each other at all but I suspect this is because of our weird family set-up more than anything. The youngest 2 are more like my kids than my siblings, certainly they are DD's playmates, and they get on well. Can't honestly say I have a normal "sibling" relationship with any of them. However I think this is because I was very much an extra pair of hands, so I was changing nappies at 7, making up bottles, entertaining them and so on.

There is 4 years between DH and his twin siblings. Again, no real relationship there, but again their family set-up was difficult to say the least.

i'm sure there are plenty of people on here who have positive stories though.

Original poster

katierocket · 17/02/2004 09:26

thanks marialuisa. I just think of a 4 year old and an 8 year old or a 10 year old and a 14 year old and think, they'll have nothing in common.

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twiglett · 17/02/2004 09:34

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miranda2 · 17/02/2004 09:36

You're in very much the same position as dh and I except we both agree that 4 years is basically our ideal gap - more for pragmatic reasons than anything else. Ds is currently 2.6, and we're planning to start trying in July when he'd be just 3. That way he'll be in school by the time my maternity leave finishes, so only one lot of nursery fees to pay (plus before/after school club fees, but even so its a big consideration). Lots of my friends are having babies at the moment so I am getting very broody, but I can hold on for 5 months. Tbh I think 4 years will be fine. I've heard you should ideally have at least 3.5 years so the first one has got to the 'going out from under your wing' stage before another needs your attention - at c.4 they are proper children with social lives, so the jealousy shouldn't be as bad (theoretically!), and the 4 year old might even be helpful (and will definitely be toilet trained!!). Plus, though I know what you mean about 8 and 12, remember they might not get on even if they were close in age - I didn't with my sisters who are only 15 months younger than me - and if you think even further ahead, you get one through all the GCSE/Alevel years before the other one starts, and only pay one lot of uni fees at a time too!
Might see you on a ttc board in a few months time??!!

aloha · 17/02/2004 09:37

My stepdaughter is 12 and my ds is 12, and even thought they don't see each other that much (alternate weekends and holidays) they are very fond of each other. My stepdaughter puts on puppet shows for him at the weekend, and reads to him and he adores her and we do things as a family perfectly happily - for example, recently we've been to the Imperial War Museum for the Women at War exhibition - we all liked the history and the exhibits, except ds who enjoyed the cafe and pottering about. I'm not close to my brother with a three year gap for all sorts of complicated reasons (and we fought ferociously as children), but I do know people with siblings further apart in age who are close. They will be siblings for a whole lifetime and difference between 20 and 24 and 30 and 34 is nothing. Don't you have friends who are different ages to you?

twiglett · 17/02/2004 09:37

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Podmog · 17/02/2004 09:40

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Angeliz · 17/02/2004 09:42

katierocket hi My dd is 3 in a week and i am trying to get pregnant now. I have worked it out that when i had a second then dd would be in nursery a few mornings a week so wouldn't feel like i'd had it then sent her away to school. (She'll have been there for 2 months already).
I have two nephews who are only 15 months apart and i see how they get on now (sometimes!!!), and worry that my dd will not be interested in the baby when she's a bit older! I worry about everything but said i'd have another when it felt right and i am SOOOOOOOO broody at the moment that i want another one now!
As twiglett said though, all my planning depends on wether i'm lucky enough to just get pregnant! (fingers crossed)
Good luck whatever you decide++++++++++++++

BigBird · 17/02/2004 09:44

Katierocket, can I echo what Twiglett said ! My dd is almost 2.2 and I ideally wanted a 2 year gap. Got pregnant within 3 mths on dd and now am over a year trying for number 2. There are quite a few of us on the ttc boards trying for number 2 for what seems like ages! My advice would be just don't wait too long in case it takes a while.....

Angeliz · 17/02/2004 09:44

Podmog that is very promising
We were talking the other day about the spare room being a nursery and dd said that the baby should go in with her so it can play with her toys and she can cuddle it!!!!++
Bless+

FairyMum · 17/02/2004 09:46

DS is 2.6 and DD has just turned 7. They have never really played together as such, but enjoy spending time together and they are very fond of eachother. The biggest problem has been to find weekend/holiday-activities both can enjoy.

Azure · 17/02/2004 09:57

Katierocket, I can also echo Twiglett and BigBird's feelings. DS is 2.5 and I have been ttc for over 18mths (including a m/c) - got pregnant with DS second month of trying. I wanted a 2 year difference, but these things do not always go to plan. I am heartened by Podmog's and other's comments - I hope you feel the same.

WideWebWitch · 17/02/2004 10:13

Hi Katierocket. I can't speak for my dd, who is 11 weeks but I know that the gap between her and my ds, who is 6.5, is lovely for him and for me. He is old enough to be fascinated by her and to understand that he might have to wait for something if I am dealing with her and for me this gap is lovely. He's at school during the day so she's had my full attention all day and it's a lot easier with just one at home most of the time. There don't appear to be any jealousy issues either. It took me this long to be ready to have another, plus I'm with a different partner so my situation isn't the same as yours but still, I am very happy with this age gap and glad that we left it so long (been with dp for nearly 4 years).

Starsky · 17/02/2004 10:17

I am a middle child with a brother 4 years older and a sister 4 years younger. I have a brilliant relationship with both of them, and equally they have a great relationship with each other. I don't think 4 years is too much at all, 8 years was a lot I guess, but once my sister got to 18 or so, then they started getting to know each other as equals and now are really close. I would say that the age gap doesn't matter so much, it's more about encouraging family activities so they spend time together. The age gap will seem less and less as they get older. HTH

Kittypickle · 17/02/2004 10:19

Watching other people's children I think that a lot of this is down to individual personalities - I've seen some siblings with a small gap get on extremely badly, some extremely well and the same for those with bigger gaps. I have an identical gap with my children (4.8 years) as my Mum had, both of us have had a girl then a boy. Mum had wanted a 2.5 year gap but had several miscarriages. I always knew I wanted a school age gap.

Apparently I never wanted a brother or sister but my DD always has. My brother was the bane of my life until he was 19, now we get on brilliantly and the age difference doesn't seem to matter at all.When we were younger the best we got on was on family holidays. Although it's extremely early days at the moment (DS is only 5 months) there seems to a very strong bond between them. What will happen when DS starts hitting DD over the head with her toys, only time will tell, but I have warned her this will happen and she's been on the receiving end from friends' brothers, so I hope we will ride this out.

tabitha · 17/02/2004 10:20

There is almosr exactly 4 years between dd1 & dd2 - now 16 & 12 respectively and I would say that the relationship between them is pretty good. Sometimes (quite often) they fight like cat and dog but for increasingly longer periods they are good friends. Now that they are older they are beginning to find interests in common, which is nice. As for the fighting/jealousy angle, I think that a lot of this is down to the personalities of the children involved rather than just the age gap. Hope this helps.

littlerach · 17/02/2004 10:20

My DD will be 3.4 when no. 2 is born and I think that is a nice gap. I wanted DD out of nappies and at preschool so that I could have time with the next one. Also DD is aware of what is happening, and excited, which I do not think would have been so a year ago.
In fact, she told me yesterday that when the baby needs changing it will ask her to do it, so that mummy can stay in bed!!!!

Philly · 17/02/2004 10:26

I have 3 3 yrs between ds1 and ds2 and 4.10 years between ds2 and ds3.It has worked for me ,each has had some time on there own with me.It does spin out the baby years and ds3 spends 1.5 days a week at nursery partly so that I can have time ,especially in the holidays, to do more grown up things with the others.Incidentally there are 4 years between my brother and I and we are closer than dh and his brother who are only 11 months apart.

tillymint · 17/02/2004 10:46

I have 5yrs between dd1 and dd2. But there will only be 13mths between dd2 and new baby.
I am nearly 5 yrs older than my brother, and we are close.

Sonnet · 17/02/2004 11:13

I have 4 years between mine and it is nota problem. I was able to give DD2 a lot of one to one as DD1 was at pre-school. DD1 "understood" that I would be a little busy when DD2 was tiny...they get on well and even play together (now 7 and 3)

sandyballs · 17/02/2004 11:42

There are three minutes between my daughters and they hate each other at the moment!

lou33 · 17/02/2004 11:55

I have 4y 8m between dd1 and dd2, most of the time it's ok, they are pretty close. Although dd1 goes through periods of hating everyone atm, because she is approaching her teens.

Original poster

katierocket · 17/02/2004 12:08

thank you so much for the replies. My logical side tells me that a) there is nothing I can do about it and b) even a close age gap doesn't necessarily mean they'll get on but I just cannot get it out of my head.

The length of time it could take to conceive does also worry me and this is something I said to DP but he said "yes but you could still get pregnant first time" and What could I say to that?
Not sure why it's bothering me so much, sometimes I actually start to panic about another month going by without us trying. I do totally understand his point of view but it's so frustrating.

OP posts:

Stargazer · 17/02/2004 12:19

Hi Katierocket

I'm 2years and 2 weeks older than my sister. Loved her to bits as a child, but hated her as a teenager!! Now she lives quite a distance from me - but it makes for a better relationship. As for my kids - ds is 8 and dd is 2 - so 6 year gap - but he loves her and she adores him. So it's a personal thing. Hope that helps.

suedonim · 17/02/2004 12:49

My two ds's are 4.5yrs apart but they had a fun relationship as children. They're not as close now they are 28 and 24 but they have such different personalities (and looks!) that I'm not surprised. Then there's an 8yr gap between ds2 and dd1 and 9yrs between dd1 and dd2. I think overall they have pretty close relaionships with each other. Ds1 lives in America and our phone bill is rising as 16yo dd1 is forever calling him about this, that and the other!

There's two years between my bro and me and we never ever got on. I always preferred my other bro and sis, who were 5 and 8yrs older than me. I truly believe it is personality, not age, that determines relationships.

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