Have decided Im actually not a very good Mum

[losinggriponthings]

Anyone else feel they are really not doing well enough?

I agree with with the depression thing blueteddy.

Before i had dd i felt like such a good mum to ds since having dd (i now have PND) i feel like a total failure, always shouting, not orgainsed, lost my memory, sometimes i feel sorry for my kids but to be honest people are always saying to me you can tell my kids are loved & well looked after because they are so happy,content & always smiling BUT i don't feel that !

I constantly feel crap these days. I stroke her hair as she goes to sleep thinking, ohhhhh I didn't do enough with you today / wish I hadn't lost my patience with you / wish you'd just do as you were told more so we got on better and so on and so on.

mi - but many of those parents were absolutely fine too - just like today.

I think 'parenting' is a business these days - and it wasn't then - it was just what you did.

losing grip your list also describes my kids but i think i'm a good mum. So I'd agree that you seem down rather than actually not a good mum, i think it's often about expectations and maybe it is something to do with age, I had my first at 30 and tbh i didn't really think i'd be able to do it as i hadn't really been around many kids all my adult life. So i've counfounded my expectations by managing to still function, therefore i'm happy.

I don't think parents are supposed to play with their kids, i think that's what uncles and extended family are for. I pretend housework and shopping are playing rather than actually having to do any proper playing.

wouldn't actually worry about anything on your list re the kids. my parents didn't remind me to brush my teeth or hair by the time i was 7 anyway.

but i think only you know if there might be more to it. If you are depressed you may not want to seek help, or might blame yourself. Don't. There is help out there, if thats whats up, rather than just a shitey day.

also-i had my kids not hugely young (25 and 27) but still found it suprisingly hard to meet people, especially as i'm not from round here. Seemed like only over 30s (and under 5s) go to parent and toddler groups. do you see others regularly? is there anyone you can talk to?

What's a good mum anyway? We all have our own definition.

Do your children seem particularly unhappy?

i dont want to say too much in case i am recognised

i had my kids very young

is it possible to be depressed in only one area of your life? ie just the kids

i say that because i am 100% happy when with friends or on my own. its not everything that seems wrong just my mothering

sometimes id do anything to get away from them

everyone thinks im fab mum - come to me for advice

your probably imagining stressed out mum with scruffy kids but from outsiders i think we seem great. im attractive and quite glam, a bit of a yummy mummy i suppose, my kids are gorgeous and very well turned out (for the times that matter) - they are both so special, funny, very intelligent - i love the absolute bones of them but they irritate me more than anything too

i need an extra few hours a day or extra day a week THEN i would be fine im sure! every day i make a pact that today will be better, and it is until, like today all of a sudden im driving down the motorway screaming at them to be quiet and can they not ever just be bloody happy and im sick of being so tired and overstretched

my poor, poor babies! they dont deserve it

however we have gone on to have luscious evening, lots of cuddles and love and laughs and I think that they are thus far unscathed by my outbursts and stress. i think they are still too ocassional to do real damage but i feel the last few weeks, things are deteriorating

i live and breathe fucking house of tiny tear aways. most of my books are on parenting. i know it all! im godmother to millions, advisor to everyone but yet cant seem to do some of the simple things for my own!
its like ive had it hidden under the surface for years that i dont REALLY enjoy it and its becoming harder and harder to hide it

think you know what you need to do, there.

think yes, one area of your life can be making you depressed. but if thats solvable, meds are not really the answer.

it sounds like you are a great mummy, putting loads of time in, but do you think you maybe need some more me-time? like a class or excersize or the rest? or just insisting on a few hours for yourself each day?

or do you need to talk to someone honestly and openly and devise a strategy in which case a counsellor wcould be helpful. even the samaritans might help you just talk-that is what they are trained to do, help you talk so you can find a solution.

I get about 4 hours a week completely child free - isnt that more than most?

sorry, meant a half hour there, not a few hours! though that might be possible if they're older.

a tiny thing, but made so much difference to me-a cleaner. we can't afford it, tbh, but saves my sanity, so we do.

wht do you do with those hours though?

erm clean!

Yes certain things can get you more down than others. I am always fine when with friends, but I am relaxed then.
I can feel almost out of control with stress with my children, but not with the 30 kids in the class I work in!
Being a mother is a really tough job at times!
You are not a bad Mum, but you do sound very stressed.
How about having a word with your HV or GP?

God, you sound like me!

I feel like a complete failure most of the time. I look at my kids and think why on earth have I got 4, I am so crap at this, mine definitely deserve better.

"erm clean"

now thats not really time for you there, is it?

ah, come back lgot, don't let me kill this thread.

to kill one thread might be regarded as unfortunate, to kill two begins to look suspicious...

Oh hell yeah!

mine are 5 and 20 months and i am really struggling. Ds has special needs and im single so i have to keep a really "together" public appearance....yet at home its like royal family meets the simpsons!

Im not managing very well at all and im sure there are plenty of things i should be doing with the kids tat im not. and i probably shouldnt be sitting on me arse in here with youlot but as your the only adult company i get ....tuff lol

i think its normal to feel we arent quite cutting teh mustard so to speak.

I've been trying to find this thread all evening.

losinggrip, I don't think what you are saying is especially unsual tbh. I feel like this too atm.

Do you have a partner? or any family or friends who could help out? It does sound as though you need a break for a couple of days or so.

Not much help I know but was thinking about you earlier today.

Yeh, me too - and I think your earlier post is telling - I think if you "live and breathe house of tiny tearaways" and have been given the role of the local Dr Byron, it puts extra pressure on you not to admit your negative feelings and failings as a parent. Also if all you read is parenting books, then you are not cutting yourself any slack. Not only do they become depressing after a while, but it means you're not getting a break. It seems almost as if you are being too conscientious to compensate for your sometimes negative feelings about being a parent. I think all of us are ambivalent about being a mother at times - you need to find ways of letting it out - and time away from kids, not cleaning, just hanging out doing whatever you like doing. Is that possible? Could you eg go back to college? Thinking of you.

I so wish I could turn back the clock and start again, in particular with my oldest dd. I now have 3 lovely dd's but at the end of the day I just want to shut myself in the loo to escape them all, they are just sooo demanding, nothing can prepare you can it?

by those standards you list - i am shit - but actually i'm not shit - i am ded good - my kids think i'm brill and i think they are brill. thats becuase we do fun stuff and dh and i are completely disorganised.

every sunday i promise myself a new start - do homework diaries, bath, homework, pen pencil, money, sign letters etc. by wednesday its all gone to shit becuase i have worked 2 evenings and and fucked when i get home.

i try to balance crap food with good food - it makes my concience go a long way - so we have shit loads of banabas and yoghurts for snaks - inbetweent the chocolate!

guilt - will always be there - you can only do what you can do. enjoy your kids - let them enjoy you. be stern but be fair, be happy and do fun stuff. dont be anal about things - and dont beat yourself up becuase your not anal enough - life is life - create good memories becuase when your kids are 30 and looking back - they arnt going to say " i never had organic food my mother was sooo bad" they are going to say " she shouted allt he time and i can't remember ever doing stuff as a family!"

so create your memories. sit down do some arty stuff with some glitter and glue - hang it up on the wall. go jump in some puddles, go on a bike ride. paint a mirrow with glass paint - cheap from "the works"

get microwave popcorn and watch some crap dvd with a quilt over you all sunday ( this was my whole say with the kids today)

my house is a shit hole, uniforms have just gone in the wash. have we had a fab day? shit yes we have!

I really feel like this today. I truly think I've been a crap mum this last few weeks.

There aren't enough hours in the day. I could do with some therapy but there's no fking time for it

I need some new clothes but there's no time to shop for them and I need to lose more weight before I'm presentable in them

work is stressful so I arrive home just wanting the children in bed so I can STOP thinking/talking/doing anything

I have a very short temper and stormed out of the house for an hour earlier on today because I was sick of loading the dishwasher and tidying up and I made FIVE different lunches for people today. I know, I need to put my foot down but haven't the energy

I am sick of whingeing and whining from ds

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh not expecting responses and realise tihs is a wholly unhelpful post but it's been shite today, thanks for letting me type it somewhere.

I know it's not much help but am glad it's just not me who always feels like the mother from hell!

I have had some time this weekend - I went away with a group of friends for the weekend.

Everyone kept saying are yu missing the kids and you know what? i didnt!! that in itself made me feel guilty but I was only away 24 hours, can I not even have that without having to take the guilt with me!

i was so looking forward to seeing them again and the new start but lo and behold whingeing began within minutes of coming in and i felt like walking back out. Dh was quick to remind me that they were just being kids, and they were but my perpective is a bit skewed at the moment.

i dont think the prob is necessarily not doing enough fun things, i think we do fun things at the detriment of the basics that need to be done

for example ill think right. homework as soon as we get in but by the time we have played, had something to eat, play again, have friends round all of a sudden i think SHIT its nearly bedtime and mentally promise to do homework later and the lovely bathtime i had planned goes out of the window etc

i really need to be more structured, not loes so i think but dont know how to bring it in

to add to the mix that i look after children for a living makes me look even worse. i have a feeling my resources are drained by other kids and my kids have to fight between what is left over