Is getting up at night my responsibility because I don't go to work???

[panchagarmendia]

hi there, the story behind this question is that ds (9 months) was unwell yesterday evening, temperature 38.7 and a running nose (do you say that? i'm german, not sure if this is correct, but i guess you know what i mean :)), so he couldn't sleep, woke up every half hour or so and i got up to comfort him, give him his medicine, something to drink etc. while dh was snoring peacefully all through to 6 o'clock this morning. so while i was wandering around the house with ds in my arms i asked myself is this really fair, just because i don't have to be in the office at 7 a.m.? i won't be able to get a lie down either during the day, have dd (almost 3 yrs) to entertain too! the thing is dh would just sleep through anything even if a bomb exploded next to him let alone dd or ds crying at night! but if i dare to wake him up because i need some rest too he will only grumble at me and be cross, in the middle of the night i don't need that either! so i'm wondering whether i'm overdemanding and this is just what i bargained for when i chose to stay at home to raise the kids ... ???

Having gone to work full time when dd was little and gone to work after sleepless nights. I have also had sleepless nights when sahm.

TBH think you should do most of it but not all!

Not sure if this is the answer you want though..

Yes

Unless you make it his too!

have a chat and say that you get very tired, that it is hard physical work looking after two kids and at least he can have a coffee and sit down at work. So could he get up say 2 nights a week to give you some rest

If he says no then go on strike and don't cook him any dinner! Go to bed instead and get some rest.....

not in my house. I work, DH is sahd. I get up in the night as needed but if its been 2-3 nights on the trot then we swap. My view is he gets DS all day, he's mine at night!

I do the Mon-Fri and DH helps on a weekend! I think that is fair.
I'm in same situation with same age kids, so I know how exhausting it can be. :)

I used to get up in the night on the understanding that I got a cup of tea in bed in the morning. Now I no longer have to get up at night as the kids are older - but I still get my tea

Not only yours. Its a shared responsiblity.

Why not propose a shift system - DH does the first part of the night, you do the second half (and go to bed early whilst DH is on duty). Then you could both get enough sleep. Hopefully your little one will be well soon.

does he do weekends?

Yes. During the week. At weekends im assuming he doesnt go to work. Therefore, he can give you a break then.

I think, having thought about this alot myself, its easier for me to grab a break as and when during the day - especially if my two both nap at the same time. My DP cant have 40 winks at work even when there is a quiet moment. I would hope not anyway, lol.

I know you probably won't want to hear this but I let dh get away with "not hearing" ds waking in the night when teething/ill or just waking for no reason. I did this partly because dh was away Mon a.m. to Fri p.m. and drove a long distance to get back each weekend so I let him have lie-ins at the weekend. I ended up run down through lack of sleep and got a whole string of infections/bugs/coughs/colds etc and almost had to be admitted to hospital for IV anti biotics. Although he works the next day it is in his interests to make sure that you don't get too knackered/sleep deprived.

Could you agree on say Thursday and Saturday nights he does night duty so you are getting some kip. He only has to work Friday if Thursday night is disturbed and he has Sunday night to sleep well before work starts again if Saturday night is disturbed. (this all assumes that he works Mon -Fri)

P.S it helps if you sleep in a spare room if necessary so he doesn't wake you if baby wakes, perferably the room furthest away from where baby is.

Agree with anniemac and meowmix. My dh is also a sahd, I work but a lot of it is flexible from home. I am still bf frequently (ds 10mo) and I feel very strongly that the nights are 'mine'. If ds wakes at night but won't feed (fairly unusual case), dh will get up with him.
I do think you should be doing the bulk of nights pancha, but not every single one and certainly not at weekends!

I feel in our house, it is down to me, plus dd settles quicker
However this week she has been very ill and dp has been a star getting up as much if not more than me to help with dd medicine etc
I figure, I wake first, so then if I wake him, I'll not settle util he gets back in anyway, it is quicker for me to do it.
HTH
Hope your ds is ok soon

wow, didn't expect so many answers in such a short time - thanks everybody!
first of all i have to say that both dd and ds are - finally! - rather good sleepers so getting up is not an every-night issue. honestly i think i should be doing most of it too, but why oh why do i have to feel as if i'm asking the world's biggest favour if i ask him to get up for once :( BTW he doesn't do weekends either because he just won't hear them crying! and i feel rather stupid and don't think it's worth it having to wake him up (taking ages and lots of kicking too)! Last night i was thinking i will just move to the guestroom this night and decide to sleep through all of it like he does (wink)

I've always got up on the night with my two (not saying that's how it should be, just how it's worked for me). I was a SAHM for a long time and now I work from home (but I have a lot of flexibility in when I work). I do it for lots of reasons - dh doesn't usually wake up, for starters, and is groggy and useless when he does, I'm better at it (sorry, but I am, I'm more patient and I notice when they have a raging temperature etc.,), and dh has to go out to work - in a very demanding job where he can kill people if he makes a mistake through tiredness. If I've had a bad few nights though I will go to bed for a few hours when he gets in from work - and I will get two lie-ins at the weekend (instead of the usual where we take turns). When ds2 was really poorly a few weeks ago and I had 4 almost sleepless nights in a row dh took two afternoons off work and I went to bed while he looked after the kids etc. So although he doesn't do the getting up in the night, he does ease the strain in other ways.

It's hard when they're little - neither of mine were great sleepers and I do remember feeling very resentful when dh would just lie there snoring - but, for me, the bottom line was that I could manage an 'easy' day usually - after a bad night - whereas dh couldn't do that at work.

I think it's a whole different ball game if you both WOTH though.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and and see it is "my job" to do the majority of getting up during the night (especially as 6 month DD is breastfed).

DH is more likely to get up if DS (28 months) wakes up, but sometimes only mummy will do.

DW and I had a deal, we both work ,she works later, I work early. After 3am it was down to me before that her.

When DS was 9 months old I worked a 10 hour day while DH was a house husband/student. I got up at night because I thought that DH had the rougher end of the deal, whereas atleast I had the chance to stop and have a cup of tea at work. I think it depends on your job, but looking after a baby/toddler is hard work physically and mentally. Its just that we are conditioned to think that somehow looking after kids is easier than 'real' work.

My DH and I seem to have reached an unspoken agreement. Given he sleeps so heavily, it's easier for me to get up to the kids in the night - I wake up straight away and can respond more quickly and I think I settle them more quickly. However, come 5.30am onw. I can't move, but DH will get up q. happily, so as our DS is an early riser, he gives him breakfast, and sometimes DD too and baby and I sleep. It works well and most w/es he lets me stay in while he atsrts early breakfasts. Saying that, when DS was v. unwell for a month with HSP, DH took his turns at getting up at night.

normsnockers - agreeing on those two nights sounds good, will talk to dh about this. see you had the same idea about moving to another room!
and there's nothing i don't want to hear, all ideas/comments/opinions welcome, that's why i asked :o

dd2 is now 10 mths - first 9 mths I got up, and I was just exhausted (didn't sleep well during pregnancy either so about 14 or 15 mths no sleep)
Since 9 mths, handed responsibility over to dd2 and I've started to sleep in other room with door shut. Funny, I miss her and I think she misses me a bit but cldnt go on.

earthtomummy - basically the same in this house: i wake up immediately and am more "awake" too. also because i know he gets all grumpy and cross i will only wake him up if i really can't go on anymore - i think maybe i should get that across to him clearly and then try and ask for some support at weekends.
have to pick up dd from nursery now but will be back later!

Neither my dh nor I see it as only my job to get up at night, even though I am a SAHM. He works in an office, I look after two small children and do all the cooking/shopping and keep the house clean/tidy. We both agree that my daily activity is just as exhausting, and just as important, as what he does - so it makes sense that we share the load when we are both at home, including at night:) TBH if there's anything wrnog with either of the kids at night we both tend to get up. When I was breastfeeding I did the bulk of it though, and he did the odd feed of EBM when I was desperate.