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Original poster

Would you leave you 4 month old at home, to go on a holiday of a lifetime

359 replies

sesame · 24/03/2006 16:14

I have a dilemma. I have the opportunity to go on an all expenses paid holiday that we woudl seriosuly never ever be able to afford in our lives. The only problem is, its a work thing and the excursions etc that are compulsary are not child friendly, taking the baby is out of the question. My mom will gladly look after the baby, but am i crazy for even thinking about going????

heres me trying to justify it. we haven't been away for a couple of years and in the last 18 months have been through 2 miscarriages and 2 family deaths, which have all taken their toll on us. We really need this break but just can't afford a holiday.

what would you do????

OP posts:
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hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 19:15

Ah, that's why DS2 wanted a go on the PC today Grin Wink

katierocket · 27/03/2006 19:17

I'm honestly gobsmacked that you think the baby would be distressed by being left after by grandma for a week, honestly I mean that. I just don't believe it would be.

hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 19:17

Couldn't be arsed with the expressing to leave DS2 at 4mo, quite apart from anything else.

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harpsichordcarrier · 27/03/2006 19:20

no QoQ I don't agree
a baby of that age, unless s/he has spent the majority of its time with its grandarents, then it will be attached to its mother and father and distressed if separated from them.
it is not about a "stranger" looking after them, it is about attachment.
s/he well not remember it, nor be permanently affected, but that's not the same as being distressed at the time
and I don't think one can seriously compare being left in nursery with being left for a whole week - day and night.

harpsichordcarrier · 27/03/2006 19:21

katierocket - seriously? Well I am astonished that you think anything else. It is all about attachment - not some loony theory but well accepted child development theory.
I think you seriously underestimate the power of the bond between a mother/father and baby.

katierocket · 27/03/2006 19:26

Honestly, no I don't think it will be "distressed" I really don't. I think the parents will miss the child more than the child misses them (at this age anyway). So I guess we disagree. I think sesame should go, I just don't see what 'harm' it will do.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 27/03/2006 19:27

HC - yes like the initial ditress if they're placed in nursery at that age - but after a short period of time - and love and affection they settle!

I saw children screaming at the school gate at the start of the school year - but by breaktime they were playing happily -

I also believe that a child that has never been seperated from it's parents - even for just a short time (overnight, weekend etc etc) find it much harder as they grow older to be 'seperated' from them.

And at 4 months old, a loving granny who will spoil them to bits it's not going to affect them for the whole week - yes first day they may be a bit unsettled - likewise when they wake up on the first morning - but after that they'd be fine (if they're like my 2 DS's they'd be fine from the start)

harpsichordcarrier · 27/03/2006 19:30

have you read anything about attachment katierocket?
or the recent research about raised cortisol levels in babies separated from their parents?
Small babies cannot communicate distress, but that's not the same as saying they don't feel it.

Merlin · 27/03/2006 19:32

I would go. I left DS1 at 4 months for a week (I wasn't breastfeeding by then though) and he was more than happy with all the attention he got from the GP's. I was the one that missed him a bit - but having said that I also got a week of brilliant sleep and came back feeling great!

katierocket · 27/03/2006 19:40

Clearly you come at it from a different perspective to me. The baby is 4 months old and is being left for one week with a close family member. Now, maybe the baby might be slightly unsettled for a day but do I honestly believe that will somehow negatively affect the baby? No, not at all. For me it's all about perspective, I just don't see this as a problem. The baby would be with someone that loves it, the parents are away for one week and then will be back, so where is the big issue, what exactly do you think will happen to the baby? do you think it being "distressed" will somehow damage it? (and I still don't think it will be distressed but there you go) honestly I'm interested.

lockets · 27/03/2006 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katierocket · 27/03/2006 19:45

Why a plane? it's safer than stepping out onto most roads int he UK or getting in a car.

lockets · 27/03/2006 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katierocket · 27/03/2006 19:47

ah, I see.

Enid · 27/03/2006 19:50

I dont think I would do it

but if I did would graciously accept that it MIGHT distress the four month old and not bury my head in the sand about it

zippitippitoes · 27/03/2006 19:51

plenty of grown women seem to feel they miss their partners who go away for a week..having their mil to stay instead doesn't seem to alleviate their distress

Senoracod · 27/03/2006 19:55

is the op still here?

allyco · 27/03/2006 19:57

haven't read whole thread, but, no. I wouldn't go.

What's the general consensus so far?

Senoracod · 27/03/2006 19:58

the concensues is i dotn think she i s reading it any more

poppadum · 27/03/2006 19:58

I think she is probably buying a bikini and sun tan lotion and packing her bags even as we post!

I am amazed at what a bad mother I am. I always knew it, but this thread only confirms it. :) And here I thought I had enough to worry about dealing with the distress my baby communicates loudly and clearly every minute of the day, without having to worry about the distress he cant communicate!

Twinkie1 · 27/03/2006 19:59

I wouldn;t go - we went away to Rome at the beginning of this year and left DS with in lawsand he was sad for 2 days and at his age 2 days is like forever!!

But it is down to you - if you need it sod it and go - you shouldn't care what anyone else would do!!

zippitippitoes · 27/03/2006 20:01

one of the first things I learned as a mum is

don't ask more than one person the same question

this thread illustrates perfectly what happens when you do! and yes it's mumsnet

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 27/03/2006 20:27

Small babies cannot communicate distress,

ermm - well I know my two are now a bit older (5 and 2) but they could certainly tell me when they were distressed - they balled their eyes out........

wessexgirl · 27/03/2006 20:55

This is probably locking the stable door etc., but this is a brief extract from some research into the reaction of an 8 month old to a brief separation from parents, quoted in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics (a US publication):

"A previously healthy 8 month old infant experienced a dramatic change in affect, motor patterns and appetite after a brief (4 days) separation from her parents. She went from being a happy, interactive and engaging child to being withdrawn, with limited vocalisation, spontaneous motor activity or interest in her environment. For the first 3 days after her parents came home she refused solid food...her parents were concerned about her apathy, excessive quietness and lack of interest in food, toys or their own attempts to engage her in play..." and so it goes on, explaining that she was not ill.

OK, so there are other things worth mentioning - the child was 8 months, which is a phase further on in the development of secure attachments than 4 months. There is very, very little research into these kinds of separations so nobody really knows whether or not they are potentially harmful. Also, this is just one child, so conclusions from this research can't really be generalised to other babies.

But can you take the risk? Have to say, I wouldn't.

LIZS · 27/03/2006 21:05

I do think it is one of those situations that you just don't know if it will be at all feasible - practically or emotionally - until you are there. If it is your work (and I'm still unclear on that)then I think it unreasonable for them to only offer you such an opportunity at a time when you are still entitled to be on leave. If your dh's then I think you are sensible to have a back up plan but I don't see why the excursions would be compulsory for you anyway.