Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

I Texted my mum to let her know. I know should have phoned her.
The solicitors got messy. I had one. Then didn't cos it had to be transferred to another solicitors cos they had previously represented my ex so conflict of interest.so now have a new one. Right at the beginning of the thread I was advised to get one so did.

Social services said that contact isn't at weekend cos of the expense and by the care plan it looks like they want to reduce it at the next hearing. I have been early to every session. I hope to keep what I've got. I will fight for it all the way. I would actually prefer one day to be at a weekend so I can manage my.appointments better and I have been warned I might feel pretty shit after them.

Is an advocate a type of solicitor or just.s volunteer who can help on.aspects of the law?

The children's charity couldn't help cos they can't assess DS. parenting course to phone up about tomorrow..couldn't get through.today.

An advocate is someone who has dealt with many cases like this before. They are there to support and represent vulnerable people, be their voice if you like, as at meetings it can be very daunting and difficult to get across what you need to say. They are also useful as another pair of ears at meetings, as you don't always take in everything that is said, and they can talk through what has been said and what it means, both at the meetings and afterwards. Advocates are invaluable and, particularly someone in your situation, essential. Why don't you ring them through the link I gave you, and ask them what they are and what they can do?

Have you been told why they want to reduce the contact between yourself and your DS at the next hearing?

I really do think you need to listen to Noqontrol and act on his/her advice.

I'm a bit disappointed that you said 'I have spoken to my Mum this morning', yet now you say that you exchanged text messages. That's not the same thing.

Please be honest, because if you're not, we're all just wasting our time.

I feel like I am wasting my time tbh.

Distressedmum, I'm sorry but you need to be putting your heart and soul into this. Every day you need to be up, ringing people, working out a plan, fighting to get this right. You talk about baby steps, but I don't think you have time for that. You need to step right out, as far as you can, give everything you've got, live and breath this until you get the answer from SDD that you want.

But I don't think you're doing it. You don't seem to listen to advice. You take the bits you want and brush over the rest. You've had stacks of amazing advice on here, but you're not taking it on board. If you're looking for people to just hold your hand and sympathise with you, then thats fine. The end results may not be what you want if thats the case, but you could never say that you haven't been given good advice to try and move on from this situation.

I'm not a hand holding, sympathetic person, so if thats what you prefer, then I'm better off out of here. Its too frustrating to watch.

Sorry.

You texted your mother to let her know that her grandson had been taken into care two weeks ago?

I am beyond speechless.

Tell me now, DistressedMum. Deep down, if there was no guilt, no sense of 'duty', no judgement, what would you want, really?

Would you really want your DS back at all costs, no matter what it takes? Or would you be relieved to have someone else look after your DS so you could get on with your life?

Because I am starting to think that you are sabotaging yourself so much, that you are actually doing just enough to be able to say 'I tried but SS still took him'.

I haven't had your past, I admit it. But I can't imagine sending a text message to someone who could make the difference between my child being returned or not. I'd be banging their door down, begging for help.

In fact, it sounds like I've made more effort trying to find out why Wellinton & bBarrow canceled my Rok Boot order, to be honest

And speachless that the mother simply replied that she hoped the boy would be returned soon ( or whatever it was)

Distressed, are you telling the truth?

It doesn't seem like it.
You need to be truthful else none of this is going to work.

Please speak to your mum properly. You need support whatever happens from here and whatever it is you decide you want.

I suspect Lougle might be right, and you have, at the very least, mixed feelings about getting your son back. Is this the case? Try to explain (either to us, or even better your mum) how you really feel about all this. It might be complicated and mixed up but at least people can start trying.to understand.and help properly.

Why on earth would you text your mother that news? That makes it sound like "oh by the way..." and not of much consequence.

You were bailed for ABH on a 2yo, your son has been removed from your care for the 'medium term' as I believe you put it and you are now having to change your entire way of life to try to get him back. And you felt it appropriate to text this to her?!

You are getting amazing advice here from people far more experience and skilled in this area than I can ever hope to be. But it seems to go in one ear and out the other or that you are selectively choosing what it is you want to hear. If I was in your position I would be biting the hand off posters like Noqontrol and doing everything they said, even if that meant I had to sacrifice every other aspect of my life.

Please, open your eyes, read your posts and look at how you are communicating with others. Stop telling people what you think they want to hear and start being truly honest, both with yourself and others.

I do think This is indicitive of the level of help the op needs, to be honest.

Even in such an unimaginable situation as this, a few weeks on after having her ds taken from her, she can't see clearly enough to make good decisions, And that's with a bunch of internet strangers handholding and spoon feeding her what she needs to do.

That she feels it appropriate to Text this kind of thing to her mother, who in the eyes of social services could make the difference in getting her ds back, It's just Insane.

I do wonder if we are misguided here, maybe we should question what the op's decision is like without such advice as She has been getting. Or what her parenting is like.
( or, in fact we know, bad enough for social services, who weren't already working with her, to instantly take her child off her)

Just, all this in mind, and the ops reluctantace to do much in the way of helping herself, if we should continue trying to hand hold?

As It's been said, she's highly impressionable, picks and chooses advice, lies, says what people want to hear. Its crap.

The relationship with my mum is a complicated one. I love my mum very much and she does support me, but I don't really talk to her I didn't about my miscarriages, about my father in law dying. I never really have, not for as long as I can remember. When I started my periods it was my best friends mum I told. social services have already been clear about not placing him with my mum without a thorough assessment because she failed to notice the bruising and didn't question it and because of my own upbringing and not having protected me. I have a adult attachment interview and they want to look.at unresolved loss. See if there are things blocking me

OP. are you still under suspicion for ABH or have the charges been dropped?

I think you need to read lougles post op and have a good bloody think.

If this is not the case, you need to start listening to the brilliant advice you are getting here. These posters are taking a lot of time to help you.

there seem to be two children in crisis here. its clear the op welcomes interventions on her behalf but seems apathetic about putting ds first. our culture assumes a mother would put ds first. but if someone simply cannot parent adequately why not support them in letting go. the conflict is between aneed to be seen to be a good mother and the overwhelming need to be mothered herself. which child should the op choose? consciously she says she chooses ds. but i think unconsciously she is, for her own survival, choosing herself. this leads to all the nonsense. op. perhaps at this stage being a good mum means letting him go. i do not judge you on this. think about what you need and want then think about what he needs. do they match up?

I want my little boy back, but (please don't burn me like a witch) I am glad he is being looked after so that I can get my emotionally and mental health sorted out. When that is sorted absolutely I want him home with me, but I am aware sorting through my issues is going to stir feelings of hate, anger, sadness, regret, lost love, vunerableness, hurt, and honestly I don't want him seeing mummy just after them feelings have been stirred. I need to learn to talk. I am ok writing things down but to actually talk about things that's when the words stick in my throat and I can't.

" because she failed to notice the bruising and didn't question it"

So had you seen your Mum in the days leading up to the 'incident'?

Have the blood tests come back, regarding the 'blood disorder' that your DS 'most likely has too'?

Have you had any further contact with the police? Have you been released from bail regarding the ABH charge, or is that still going ahead?

OP do you feel that control has been taken away from you? Do you feel powerless?

Someone said, Madame I think, that you may have this notion that you need to please everyone. I urge you to consider this. What have the status of your relationships been so far? Have you gone along with what others have said without question? Have you trusted their judgement better than yours?

You seem to be vulnerable enough to attract the attention of people who have abused your trust and convinced you that nothing is going on. You have trusted that the bruises on your son were nothing but an accident. Your mum sounds like she is the same - thinking that other people must be somehow better than you and know what's best.

If that's the case, you might well be thinking that no matter how hard you fight, they know best and things will happen in spite of you.

This is why counselling is so crucial, to get at the bottom of your character and personality. It's clear to me that you are also the victim here. However social services aren't in the business of giving sympathy.

I do sympathise. Because I think you've never had to fight your corner. You've always accepted what has happened and you've always gone along with what others have said. The biggest thing you ever did was get out of an abusive relationship - that is what you need to hold onto because that was a time when you knew that someone else was in the wrong and you knew you had to take decisive action to protect yourself and your son. It's just a shame that you let your guard down again and put your son in another precarious position.

You need to work on your own issues here too. You need to claw back control and understand that actually, your actions and decisions will make a huge difference to the future outcome. You can't take a half hearted line here and take us up on advice simply to please us. We're not here to be pleased, that's a waste of our time. Anyone can tell if your heart is in it or not and if you are giving out that message on an online forum, just think how easily social services will see through you.

I think you should examine your motives very very closely. Why aren't you fighting more? What's going on in your head? Have you really given up and are just going though the motions for us?

If social services are looking to reduce contact time then you can bet their bottom dollar they are considering adoption or long-term fostering.

I will repeat what I said much earlier on in this thread. We can give you all the advice in the world but we cannot get your son back for you. Only you can do that. It all rests on you now. Don't do this to please us. Only do it if you really do want to become a mother to your son again. This will be a long journey for you and very painful, if you aren't prepared for that then by all means, give up now. But if you think that your little boy is worth all the pain in the world then drag yourself up, give yourself a slap and start banging on a few doors.

DistressedMum, that's why you need an advocate.

Yes DO get yourself sorted because social services would never let you have him back whilst you are liked this anyway. Call the mental health team at your local hospital, demand a referral. Call your GP, demand a referral. Tell them that your little boy has been taken from you, tell them you are a priority and you need to see someone asap. Today or tomorrow. Yes it's an emergency.

I understand you need to get better but as Madame said, time is not on your side and the longer your boy is away from you, the more social services will push for a permanent placement for him.

Thing is, It's been what, three weeks.
The op has consistantly had the same advice... But what has changed?
Not much.

I can't see that if the op isn't desperate to change under these circumstances, then what might prompt her to.

Take the time you spend on Mumsnet and use that time more pro-actively.

Do this:

1. Go back to the GP and ask for a priority referral to the mental health team.
2. Call social services and ask for an advocate
3. Go and visit your mum and ask for her support
4. Contact your solicitor (do this everyday) for updates and advice on what to do next
5. Call the GP again and ask about that referral
6. Call social services again, do they have a number of an advocate?

You know what, I'm seriously struggling to understand your mindset op.

Your very first post was so entirely different to what you were saying only a few days later, and then, again, today you seem to be saying you don't want him back, not really.

Everyone is giving you the same advice, over and over, you said you wanted your son back and would do whatever it took. Yet your ' whatever it takes' doesn't seem to involve much effort..

I get it. I think the OP has been given food for thought. She realises that getting him back is not as easy as it looks. Read the advice on here, you almost see the penny drop with the OP as she realises that actually, she IS to blame, she DOES need to take responsibility and that she needs to change before she has a chance of getting him back.

I think she's being unjustly judged now. She has come a long way in those 3 weeks. From claiming the bruises were an accident to realising that her actions, her lack of judgement have led to her son being deliberately hurt. She's gone from protesting her innocence to quietly accepting her part of the blame.

Now she understands that she has to change. They won't give her son back unless she can guarantee the same mistakes will not be made. So she's working on herself now and she's right, it will be a painful journey and in some ways she's better off making that on her own because going through painful counselling whilst looking after a small child without any additional support can be too much to bear.

I think she's finally making some sensible decisions.

You're probably right TheRhubarb. The problem is that time is not on her side. And she still needs an advocate, and she still needs to work out a plan of action for that meeting, preferably worked out with the advocate. But you are right, she still has come a long way in 3 weeks, to be fair.

I don't Think the penny has dropped for her at all actually.
The op just agrees and parrots back whatever is said to her.

Noqontrol, I did google getting an advocate but it's not clear where you go. Should she contact social services for an advocate or is there a different procedure?

OP, an advocate will fight your corner. They are experienced volunteers who will ensure that everything you do is written down, that you do not forget anything you need to say, that notes are taken during meetings to help remind you. They are your voice in times of extreme stress when your throat dries up. They are a valuable source of support and without your mother or any other kind of outside support, without someone on your side, I would say that an advocate is a necessity for you. Hopefully Noquontrol will be able to tell you better than I, how to go about getting one.

Make that a job you do TODAY