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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Broken hearted over my DS

939 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 29/08/2012 22:09

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME. Sad Sad Sad

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 17/09/2012 21:18

Have you given some thought to telling your own mum what is happening OP? If one of my daughters were in your situation I would want to know, and I would be quite upset if she felt she couldn't tell me. I'm sure you will feel much stronger with support from your mum.

Noqontrol · 17/09/2012 21:56

I would ring these people as they can give you advice over the phone. They are an independent advocacy service, and they do need funding from SSD, but as your sons social worker hasn't offered it, this service may be able to contact them on you behalf for funding. You really do need someone on your side to help you fight your corner, this agency sounds ideal. At the very least they will be able to signpost you on to something else if funding isn't available. Ring them tomorrow. You need to get the ball rolling with this.

Have you told your mum yet? If not, do it ASAP. I cannot stress enough how important this is. You need to have a frank talk with her about what support she can give you and have that information ready for your next meeting. Maybe your mum could cone to it as well as an advocate. You need to pull all the stops out here.

Have you got your own solicitor? Your son will have one, SSD will have one, you must have one too.

You need to get together a clear action plan of the changes you have made, bullet point it and take it into that meeting. Have you thought clearly about the changes you are going to make? Obviously this will include the safety in your home environment, how you care for your son, who else will care for your son, the activities you do together, any nursery involvement. Break it all down, have a good think and bullet point it back here for the MN jury to rip apart. Seriously, we're fluffy kittens in comparison. But this exercise will help you get your thoughts straight and formulate a clear plan of action.

I've had a look on google and there are a few mother and baby residential units that will cater for your age group and the older child. This does need funding, and you would need a referral from psychiatry, gp or social work. Its a long shot because of the funding issues, but talk it over with the advocacy service tomorrow and see if its worth trying to add it to the pot.

Back to your mum again. You say she has no room for you to move back to her. Could she move in with you? I know you don't want to ask her, but you need to, (as long as shes not an abusive parent.) You really need to see how much support she can provide to help keep her daughter and grandson together.

If at the end of this SSD still don't want ds to come back to you, is it an option for your son to live with your mother and you have supervised contact. Not ideal I know, but at least he would still be in your life which is better than nothing.

Ok, so your tasks for tomorrow:
Advocacy service. Ring them first thing and tell them everything. See what they can do for you.
Once you've put the phone down ring your mother. Tell her everything. See what she can do to help you.
Then get a piece of paper and a pen, brainstorm and make a bullet point plan that you can take to the meeting with the changes you have made and any extra help you need from them. Bring it back here and I'll rip it apart. Remember, I only accept bullet points.

See you back here tomorrow night.

Lougle · 17/09/2012 22:11

That's a fantastic list, Noqontrol.

DistressedMum - bite Noqontrol's hand off Grin

Use this thread as your task list, and remember that we're all on your (and most importantly, your DS) side.

You have 48 hours available before Thursday. Use them wisely. It will be fantastic if you can show some proactive behaviour with real substance at that meeting. Be organised. Take the notebook with all your actions, etc. Show the team that you want to work with them, and that you want this more than anything.

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/09/2012 22:23

Brilliant.
We are all trying to help.

Please do as noq says. Report back in. Tiny baby steps. Small, achieveable goals. And you will do it.

Please call your mum. I want to see a post from you tomorrow that you have done it. It's really important. Ok?

marfisa · 17/09/2012 23:58

I'm a little disturbed that everyone is telling the OP to call her mum without even knowing what the mum is like. The OP said that she herself has been a victim of abuse. I don't know whether she was a child or an adult when this abuse occurred but if she was a child, it is possible that her own mum failed her quite dramatically.

If the OP's mum can be a source of support to her, then absolutely, she should phone her. But people shouldn't just assume the mum is a positive force in the OP's life.

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/09/2012 04:36

The op lived with her mum for a period of time, when she left her marriage. Social services were involved at that point.....

The op also States She moved near to her mother for support.

It is an assumption, but a fair one, Seeing social services were satisfied it was a safe place for her to be, that the mum will be some kind of support.

Lougle · 18/09/2012 06:43

Also, the OP started that she didn't want to bother her Mum. As watch says, earlier it was stated that she moved many miles to be nearer to her Mum for support.

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/09/2012 07:08

Distressed, good luck for today, you have your list, do.each one. Report back.

Also, when it comes to the
brainstorming bit remember to write down you are working with that childrens charity. Do you have an appointment set with them?

marfisa · 18/09/2012 09:17

OK, sorry, I missed that bit about her past history!

THERhubarb · 18/09/2012 10:48

That is such a good To Do list that Noquontrol has given you DistressedMum and I'm glad that you are feeling more positive.

You may not want to bother your mum and you might be frightened of her reaction, of letting her down, of making her angry etc but everytime you are faced with an action that you really really don't want to do and which frightens you, think of your son. You said you would do whatever it takes to get him back and this, I'm afraid, is just part of those things you need to do.

Yes you've made mistakes and yes they have had disasterous consequences for you, but your mother will see that you are being punished enough and trust me, she'll soon see that you are determined to set things right and she'll want to help. She'll want to see her grandson back at home as much as you do.

If agencies and organisations don't get back to you. Keep trying to get through. Don't think that because you've left a message that is enough. Social services want to see your determination to get yourself straightened out, so make sure that your log includes the number of times you've tried to get through to people, who you spoke to, when you left a message etc.

And do keep talking to us. There are people from all walks of life on Mumsnet. There are social workers, solicitors, family lawyers, advocates, policewomen, magistrates etc and all of these people, including the rest of us, are all coming together to give you the best advice we have. There is no other service quite like Mumsnet at times, so make the most of it!

We are all on your side here but you must show willing, determination, strength and acceptance because all the advice in the world won't cut it, that's down to you. I reckon there will be a happy outcome to this, I reckon you can do it Smile

DistressedMumHELP · 18/09/2012 18:59

Quick update before brain storm. Been.doctors today. Got my mental health referral sorted its only an opt in service but I should hear within 2 weeks. I have seen my social worker today, got referred to the freedom programme, and given a phone number for a parenting class though she said that this will be only a foundation and there will be more specialised work to do.

Baby steps. They also want to do an adult attachment interview.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 18/09/2012 19:28

That sounds good so far. Keep at it.

Advocate?
Mum?

Lougle · 18/09/2012 19:48

Ok, well that's a big leap forward, isn't it?

So, are you feeling like you are being taken more seriously now?

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/09/2012 21:08

Well done. Thats great.
How do you feel taking charge and making this progress?

Today has been busy, we understand that. Tomorrow please call your mum. You have to do this.

This part is the hardest you know. The first steps, but you are doing it :) well done. Keep up the momentum, keep at it.

Fishpond · 19/09/2012 02:10

I agree with everyone else, you must engage outside support. As a single mother SS will be very, very wary of placing your DS back with you without at least one other family member who is actively involved in your lives (I say this from the experience of
being a single mother who has been involved with SS, not talking out of my arse here).

Call your mum. If you have made all those lovely personal changes you want to make, that's great. But you'll always have bad days, days your son will drive you totally crazy and you NEED a loving relative to take him for a bit or at least have a very long chat with. Obviously you're stalling calling your mum for whatever reasons so get this step out of the way now. Do the hardest things first, and you'll find the smaller things fall into place.

Well done on steps you've taken so far. Keep checking in on the thread every day, there are lots of ladies motivating you and you so need that right now. At the court hearing Thursday you need to demand more contact. Do not accept whatever they give you, you fight and scrape for as much as possible. If after a lot of asking and reasoning they still don't give you more, it will be positive to them that you asked and fought so hard for it, trust me.

Those case management hearings are fucking scary, sometimes it was 4-5 social workers, doctors, police officers all in same room. GET AN ADVOCATE. Someone needs to help you stand up to the intimidating situation. You are easily influenced as has been evidenced by this thread over and over, and SS can confuse and worry even the toughest of folks. Write down everything that is said and get your advocate to do the same, you will have a record of what happened in case SW's try to twist words / circumstances (this happened to me multiple times) AND you can compare notes with your advocate after to make sure you are independently understanding everything.

I hope things go well from here on out.

DistressedMumHELP · 19/09/2012 12:22

Its a review and I do have contact 5 days a week. I fought for that in court. I do have a barrister for court hearings. I have spoken to my mum this morning. I also know that as much as I would love more contact i am going to have lots of appointments too, and against the original twice a week that is a big improvement.

I am so grateful for all your help and support. And will keep updating.

OP posts:
Lougle · 19/09/2012 12:30

Well done! What did your Mum say? Is she going to support you?

GhouliaYelps · 19/09/2012 12:37

Thinking of you DM x

DistressedMumHELP · 19/09/2012 12:59

That she is sorry to hear the news and that hopefully it won't be ad longer road as I expect it to be. And that I should take care of myself for little man.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 19/09/2012 13:11

you didnt mention you had already been to court. you must keep pushing for more contact. i fear i hear the excuses and self delusion creeping in again. is that really all your mum said? did she not offer to help you? did she not get angry? you are editing this. once again sounding like a bad self help script. sorry.

Lougle · 19/09/2012 13:17

"DistressedMumHELP Fri 31-Aug-12 20:20:33
It went to a court hearing today and i didnt oppose the order for him to remain in Local authority care, but i did oppose the contact which was offered of twice a week, and instead my solicitor said this should be 5 times a week, which the solicitor working on behalf of my son was also in agreeance with, which is what i have got."

I think that's the court hearing DM is referring to, Madame.

I hope that wasn't all your Mum said Sad

MadameDefarge · 19/09/2012 13:58

apologies for missing that. though it does beg the question why op has not mentioned her solicitor in all our urgings for her to have an advocate in this process. the op is very selective in what she tells us...im not sure wheher its to promote the image of her battling alone...but it does change the reality. and i also cannot belive her mum was so disengaged when they taled. if indeed they have. i think we all have a reasonable sense now of when the op is bullshitting us.and i think one of the ways we can help her mature is to call her on the it. not trying to be mean. fibbing and prevarication will not help her. she is an amateur in a professional arena being judged by peole who have heard every self justifying sob story under the sun. only real honesty, and i dont mean vomiting her victim oriented history all over them, is going to help her. real self reflection. real catching herself in another rewriting of the story is her only hope.

MadameDefarge · 19/09/2012 14:06

and i have to admit to being faintly repelled by the excuse she gives for not pushing for more contact. she could try for weekend time when op will have no appointments. because contact is not about satisfying the ops need for contact. its about promoting ds' wellbeing and maintaining attachment at this critical stage in his development.

Lougle · 19/09/2012 14:40

I don't disagree, Madame. I'm sure that the support we are offering is a double-edged sword. But we can hope that we are provoking thought in the OP.

MadameDefarge · 19/09/2012 15:10

yes lougle i agree. we wont just reflect back whatever self image the op has a any given moment, but to reflect back a more honest view. by doing this and modelling more mature responses to ongoing issues i believe we can be of real help. tough love if you will. we will call her on the nonsense but still be here for her. i get the impression that op has been conditioned to please and so scrabbles to gain approval from whoever comes her way despite it creating contradictions. so there is always a dissonence in her interactions as she tries to figure which way to jump to get approval. by not abandonning her when she plays silly buggers i hope will help her to see you dont have to be a feather for every wind that blows to be like and loved.