Broken hearted over my DS

[DistressedMumHELP]

Okay, i want help and reassurance really. I have name changed for this in case anyone recognises me. I was stopped and asked for an account of events yesterday after witnessing an altercation and the police officer noticed the bruise on my little boys cheek. Which i explained was where he had fallen in between the step and bench in my garden, they then noticed he has bruises on his legs around his knees, so eventually they arrested me on suspicion of ABH. I was of course a mess, but i was told at the time that it was procedure etc, so i was compliant with them, Last night i got released on police bail and was of course expecting my little boy back, but today after seeing social services they have said i cant have him returned to me. I am heart broken, i have never hurt my child on purpose, and i look after him as best as possible. Originally they were saying he didnt talk, but today in front of the social worker he was talking, and i am trying to explain that he gets shy about talking, when they say he is friendly etc. They went through all my history and i have been as open as possible with them, and i dont know what to do. They want to keep him in care and are applying for a court order on friday to do so. I plan on seeing a solicitor tomorrow, the only reason i didnt today was because i didnt leave the social services until half 5 so no where was open.

I NEED A HUG. I PROMISE I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM AND FEEL THAT JUST A FEW BRUISES HAVE TAKEN MY SON FROM ME.

I want him home. Does anyone have any experiences? How long will it take? They said they couldnt say,

Lougle: In your post on 16/9/12 13.53 you predicted the outcome by saying you didn't think they were intending for the op to care for her son.
And obviously I am not saying that if the op doesn't make changes she will get her son back. I think that is reflected in every single post I have made on this thread.

TheRhubarb, I think I have given the op plenty of advice on here, but I will summarise it later tonight when the kids are in bed and I have time to think.

Lougle, you misunderstand me. I am not saying anyone should say "keep on doing what you're doing, everything's fine". I am saying, please stop speculating on outcomes. I mean this for everyone, but this was triggered by your posts yesterday after 1pm and after 10 pm. The first one in particular is dangerously playing fast and loose with the feelings of an impressionable person. Do NOT inspire defeatism when you do not know what you are talking about.

Another thing: I am not as nonplussed as some of you seem to be that the OP is not being leapt all over by coordinated support services. I am a relatively organised person and I have felt as if I am pushing water uphill many times when working with overstretched public services. There are waiting lists that evaporate and lead to dead ends, websites with no information on them, phone calls to message services that lead to voids, cancelled courses, etc... It's frustrating and often it can be months or years for the thing you wanted to take place, which can mean not at all if you don't stay in the same place for months or years, because a move can mean square one. I now live in a place where the services are unrecognisably efficient compared with where I used to live - frankly, in the old place, I am astonished that any child protection issues ever get picked up. (Just as an example, my dd2 is 17 months old and the midwife has not officially discharged me - that appoinment never materialised - technically we are still waiting to see if she is likely to survive with my bfing and whether I am likely to recover from childbirth)

Anyway the OP will need to be as tenacious and well organised as, erm, a tick who has been on a secretarial course to get these things moving (parenting course, real answers from a social worker etc) and I am not as mystified as some of you that it is not all happening overnight.
OP, keep plugging away, do not let them forget about you, every day make phone calls, get phsyically in front of anyone you can.

But this is quite, quite different.
We have a woman here who is already part of the system. For attempting to take her own life, for being advised to leave her abusive husband, for, reading between the lines, help with her child.

She is already engaged in the services. It has got to the point that her child was taken off her and she spent a night in cells.

She should be having some kind of support, some kind of guidance.

Entirely different to a missed mw appt.

Thank you Noquontrol, I think that would be of immense value to the OP.

For what it is worth, my advice for her would be to book an appointment with her social worker, admit that she has lousy judgement and that she wants to start taking small steps to change her life and therefore be in a position to give her son the life he needs.

Her social worker, who is familiar with the case history, should be able to tell the OP what they need from her. Admitting that she needs help is the first step I suspect.

I can understand that if the OP has asked for help before and it's not been forthcoming, that she might be reluctant to go down that route again. But if, as she says, she will jump through hoops to get him back then she needs to start doing just that. Put her reservations to one side and ask them what she needs to do.

I think counselling would be the first step. She needs to understand why she has made these decisions, why her judgement is so poor and why she has such a hard time taking responsibility for her actions or lack of them.

Once she stops pointing the finger of blame at everyone else, she might then stand a change of making real changes.

I hope she's still listening.

It would be nice if She was.... Sadly pretty much the same advice has been given the entire thread... The ops solution was a law degree....

That comment, Vezzie was a direct response to:

"They havent said their intentions but in the documents it says i am unable to care for him i the short to medium term, which suggests they plan on returning to me at some point and that i have "potential" I can only go by the documents that i have. "

Followed by: " I am hoping the 25th makes it clearer."

How is it that the OP has documents saying 'unable to care for him in the short to medium term' yet no-one has told her that the intention of SS will be to continue to care for her DS for now? The 25th is 8 days away, and the OP is not sure what that document means. Nothing has changed for her.

I wasn't saying that the OP will never have her DS returned to her. I was saying that it sounds like Social Services will want to continue to care for her DS after the 25th.

I also don't think my post of 22.49 predicted an outcome. I was pointing out that even a 'short while' in the eyes of the OP is a large proportion of the child's life.

I'm also not surprised that the OP hasn't had anything organised as yet. But the OP is still in a place where she thinks the SW is there to help her, that this situation is about her and that she is the priority. The reality is that the SW will care about her DS, and she will not have her hand held to sort out her problems.

Distressed, were social services working with you, before you son was taken into their care?

No, we were discharged from them June 2011 so no one has been working with me. I have made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow. I'm not coping. Right now I am fronting and honestly I am tired of fronting it out. I know my judgements are utterly shit, I see that now, I see I need to work out why I make the decisions I do, to identify risks, I put my son in danger, he got hurt as a result, it is my fault he got hurt.

I thought social workers were supposed to help families? And whether they plan on returning him to me in the short term or not, surely it is of benefit to DS for mummy to be better?

The 25th is a case management hearing not an interim care order hearing,

Ok, so they were involved after your DS was born, and you were discharged after his first birthday?

But that Social Services team is different to the one dealing with you now, isn't it? I don't just mean the department, I mean the Local Authority has changed because you moved.

Have you had any contact with the old team that supported you when you had PND?

And what dealings had you had with them prior to that? What basis were they helping you on? Was your sons care or your ability to care for him an issue?

I'm just trying to work on the full picture here.

I thought you already saw your doctor last week?

You need to stop ' fronting' get real. How can anyone help othewise?

You, And you only are the one stopping this moving forward, by ' fronting'

The first priority for social workers is the welfare of the child, not you. So right now they are solely focused on placing your child in a safe and loving environment with experienced foster parents and working with your child to identify exactly what happened.

Yes they will work with you too, but you need to approach them, don't wait for them to approach you. No it shouldn't be like that, but social services is overstretched to its very limits and it's all they can do to focus on the wellbeing of any child who is at risk.

You want him back, so you need to prove that you are capable of providing him with a safe environment.

It's good that you are going to see your GP. When you do so, ask that they make notes of your appointments and what was discussed as you can use this as evidence. Also, make sure you phone the social worker and let them know that you have an appointment and what it is for.

Tell them what you have just posted; "I know my judgements are utterly shit, I see that now, I see I need to work out why I make the decisions I do, to identify risks, I put my son in danger, he got hurt as a result, it is my fault he got hurt." they need to hear this. So tell them. Then tell them what you are going to do to change that. Ask them for help with that. Ask them if there is anything else you need to do.

Make that phone call now and everytime you make a decision or an appointment, phone them and let them know. And make sure they write it down.

You will have to work hard to get your son back, but that is what you said you would do. So yes, you have to be strong, you have to put on a front, you have to be pro-active in demanding help, you have to take things into your own hands if that help is not forthcoming, you have to jump through many hoops. So keep jumping, there are no short cuts.

And please, unless she is absolutely abusive and no good whatsoever, tell your Mum. Now is not a time to stay isolated.

Why don't you ring social services now? Say what rhubarb said.

Post Back when you have done so.

Then call your mum.
And post back.

People are still posting on your thread because they want to help you and your little boy.. realise that. Please.

But we can't do the things for you.
You have to do them yourself..
Pick up the phone.
Please.

Just wanted to say you need to do as watchoutforthatsnai says.

The social workers are your child's social workers. They look out for the best interest of the child, not the parent. I know that as i have worked in the services for a long time.

You need to show initiative for the courts to consider giving your child back.
You need to phone surestart and get on a parenting course.
Ring them every hour if you cant get hold of them.

All this will show the judge/case reviewer that you are willing, capable and doing your best to change your behaviour.

Do it today. It will look better if you are on that course before the 25th. IT will look more favourably on you.

Please listen to us, we are only trying to help. BUT YOU NEED TO DO THE ABOVE TASKS BEFORE THE NEXT MEETING.

I don't know where you are op, but these people might be able to find you a local advocate if you don't live in London.

Did you do it?

If you didn't get through, leave a voicemail.

Get a notepad, write down dates and what you have done. So, todays would be

• made doctors appt to ask for mh help.
• called social services to ask for help and inform of doctors appt.
• called my mother to inform her of the situation And seek support.

The op does live in London.

Just to echo others. I do care, DistressedMum. I hope you realise that, whatever others may say. We want you to have the best chance of turning this around before it's too late. At the end of the day, if you do everything humanly possible, and Social Services still show a court that you can't look after your DS, then that will be desperately sad, but you will look back on that time and be able to say 'I did all that I could, it wasn't enough.' If you don't have people trying to show you that you can do more, and that you can't sit back and let it all happen, then if your DS is removed permanently, you will look back and think 'if only I did this.' What we are all hoping, I'm sure, is that you do enough, and get enough help, that your DS is thriving in your care.

Well I phoned my social worker. Meeting on.Thursday morning, and apparently they are really waiting on the psychiatric and psychological assessments and go from there. She knows I have doctors tomorrow as well now. I also got my referral letter through from mental health services and have phoned them but its an answer phone service, but its a step further.

Well done. That's great.

Did you leave a message for the mental heath services?

Do you know when your assessments are going to be? If not, ask them Thursday.

One small step leads to another... This is great.

Now, please call your mother, or, go see her. She Will be able to support you. You lived with her for a while, so that shows she will help you. She might also be able to come to your meetings with you ( in fact I'm sure she can)

Take the next step....report back, ok?

Well that's progress Are you writing it all down, so that you can show you are making steady progress? That will be very useful.

Well done. I agree that you should take notes, that's a very good idea as it's so easy to forget just how far you have come.

Make notes now of everything you've arranged by yourself, all the appointments and phone calls you've made. Then make a list of what you need to do next.

It might also help for you to write down where you want to be say in a year's time. Put down personal changes such as gaining more confidence and having a healthier relationship with other people as well as wanting your son to come home.

Show all of this to the social worker on Thursday and tell her that you would like their help to achieve your goals.

Do not make any excuses for what has happened in the past because if they suspect you are shifting blame they won't take you seriously.

Good luck and make this the first step in a long line of changes that will end with you being reunited with your son and having a much happier and secure life.

I am in tears reading you all being so positive. Thank you for your support.

I left the required info, the message said leave your name, number, date of birth and doctors surgery so I did.

The assessments will be after the court date on 25th cos the court has to allocate someone to do it from their pool of professionals so I won't know that til 25th.

Baby steps I think are the way forward. No leaping in at the deep end and drowning.

I'm in awe of the lovely mn'ers that are posting here.
Wishing you and your ds all the best DistressedMum you have a lot of concerned and wise ladies here trying to help

How old are you Distressedmum? I'm trying to think of a few resources that might help you, but some of it might be dependent on age to fit the criteria.

I am 24. And I am so grateful to all these mums that are behind me, helping me