How do I steer DD away from her odd school friend?

[helenhn]

DD is 6 yrs old and she has known a little girl since before school. However, this girl has some odd characteristics (wearing school uniform to weekend birthday parties) and doesn't have many friends at school and has latched onto DD. She has now started 2 of the out of school clubs which DD goes to (because DD goes to them) and hangs around her at any parties. This little girl is quite intense and if DD doesn't play with her at school she just sits on her own in the playground or follows DD around. My (and DH's) main concern is that this little girl also has quite a negative attitude ("I am rubbish at this" "I hate this" "I can't do this" etc.) and she is quite naughty which has started to rub off on DD and DD is becoming cheeky and uses the same negative phrases which we don't like. I haven't raised my concerns about this friendship with DD's teachers, but I think I will do at the next parent's evening. I have also gently steered DD and suggested that she plays with her other friends at playtimes but have avoided saying "Don't play with XX" (but do say to DD "You are not as nice a little girl when you play with XX"). I am also good friends with this little girl's mum who encourages the friendship with DD and I am conscious that DD could say "Mummy told me not to play with you"!

Can anyone offer any help or suggestions as to how I can reduce this friendship?

Please don't steer her away. That child sounds like she really really needs a friend. And nothing you describe is dreadful or anything!

My children have autism. My eldest has NO friends at school and he is a lovely boy. Yes, he's 'odd', but he's a good person who just needs people to see past the oddness to the kind, gentle, generous person that he is. I have had to take to the net and kidnap people from on HERE to bring their (also ASD) children to be his friends. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking that is? That I have to go to such lengths to find him a bloody friend in the world?

My youngest has a couple of friends who can see past his extreme oddness and I am so grateful for them. And to their parents for not, forgive me for being blunt, having an attitude like yours.

TBH honest it's turned out to be very cathartic.

I've never even said any of it out loud before never mind written it down, it's been strangely liberating.

I'd rather find out I've been sucked into and been upset by a wind up than for this to be true

I am sorry to hear that TAOBs, truely. I do 1-2-1 support for a child who is in long term care with behaviour issues due to severe neglect. She is at a mainstream school but is developmentally delayed. She is constantly excluded by children and adults and I fight to have her included where I feel she will benefit e.g tennis. The coach didn't want her paired with other children so I told him she was to be paired with her 'friends' grrrr. I know the HT would like to have her hidden away when we have 'visitors' as she screams (boy can she scream) but I won't go along with this. HT is rather victorian as you say .

I don't think Fran or I were really doing anything more than just looking at things from slightly different angles Toughas - it seems a bit unfair to suggest she might be overly identifying with the OP ? "and don't like your children mixing with the weirdos"

come on Fran

you know as well as we do that those observations are more for the teaching staff to prove they are hitting the ever-increasing targets, the more pressure that is put on them the more our DDs will fall under then radar

it's often when they start to fail or kick off they are eventually flagged up as having an additional need - early intervention is vital, and as all of us with DCs with ASD have said, the behaviour traits of the little girl is huge indication there might be a problem

what else would you look for or want to see before you raised any concerns about a child in the school where you work?

Fwiw OP, I was always the kid who made friends with the "odd" kids at school. Other friends would say "why do you want to be friends with x? They're weird". But as I told mum I thought it was sad they didn't have friends and I wanted to be one. I always hated people being left out in such a cruel way, and you know what?? I didn't do me any harm OP, even being friendly with certain kids with "challenging behaviour" . Follow your DDs lead and have some compassion fgs, how odd can a 6 year old possibly be?

You know, just that OP may want her DD to have several friends and not just the one more intense kind ( but yes, that is trying to see things favourably )

Glad you and Fran have made up, conflict upsets me a little, but I know you're both grown-ups so maybe I'll try to butt out

Ipswich

they can be very 'odd' ipswich but very very lovely too, like your post

My first visit to MN in a long time. My DS was like this poor little girl. No reflection on his home life, standards of appropriate party wear or anything. His school years were tragically lonely and very much like DogShits. Anyway, now he's pretty famous, a renowned popular musician (not saying who). You know what, sometimes people are just DIFFERENT, even when their parents are apparently normal. Luckily they have some people who see it and understand it and love them anyway. If they've got that, they'll get through. And by the way, now DS is "well known", it's interesting how many of those from the past are suddenly his long time friends. I hope you wouldn't be like that OP, would you? Would you?

Bloody good for him Grolier!

One day the freaks will rule the earth

Op, perhaps your child is wiser than you. Perhaps she sees qualities in this little girl that you are unable to see as you are blinded by your own ignorance.

I don't think I have been so upset by a mn post before.

The little girl sounds like my daughter.

Thank you DogShits, I like to take a little credit for being the one person who told everyone else to f* off. Mother's instinct and stuff. I knew he was just biding his time.
And BTW I KNOW that at one parent/teacher thing in year 4, a parent asked the school to "moderate" DS friendship. And in spite of that, this friendship endured. This friend gets invited to the opening night parties these days.
I need to go, this thread has reopened painful angry stuff I thought was gone. OP, your way of thinking doesn't just hurt the child, it hurts the people all around. The pain of loving lasts as long as the pain of being hurt.

grolier GO grolier's son - love it!

Air punching for grolier's son!

I find this upsetting too. My DD2 who was 6 at the time joined a new school and did cling on to one girl which we discouraged. Her stupid mother took offence to this and spoke to the teacher about it, made it clear she didnt want DD playing with her precious. Roll on a school year and DD has loads of friends!!!!

Wow, thanks falseand dog (my first MN flowers!!)
I hope to raise our DS to be a kind, tolerant boy and not judge people for apparently being "odd".

grolier, glad your DS has done so well despite all the nastiness, and v pleased for his friend who saw past all that and remained a true friend to him.

I was odd at school, and displayed many of the behaviours described in the OP. I was unpopular and bullied.

I can't find it in myself to feel too angry with the OP, though. She was somewhat naive and ignorant to post, but she's certainly learned now!

I just think that you can't stop people thinking like this, especially when they feel they are Protecting Their Own.

Meh.

I was the odd one at school, a bit lanky, ginger and far too mouthy (a lack of confidence thing - so i went the other way) I had hardly any friends but the ones i did have were also a liitle bit 'odd' but lovely.

I wasnt in with the cool kids at all. Then when i was 17 i got a Saturday job and made friends with another 'lanky' kid, the two of us started socialising together and became swans really boosted eachothers confidence. We are still good friends now over 20 years later.

OP, you really havent come across well but i beg you, dont discourage this friendship, yes encourage a wider circle of friends but you should be proud of your DD, not trying to control her.