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Parenting

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Original poster

How do I steer DD away from her odd school friend?

147 replies

helenhn · 21/08/2012 09:49

DD is 6 yrs old and she has known a little girl since before school. However, this girl has some odd characteristics (wearing school uniform to weekend birthday parties) and doesn't have many friends at school and has latched onto DD. She has now started 2 of the out of school clubs which DD goes to (because DD goes to them) and hangs around her at any parties. This little girl is quite intense and if DD doesn't play with her at school she just sits on her own in the playground or follows DD around. My (and DH's) main concern is that this little girl also has quite a negative attitude ("I am rubbish at this" "I hate this" "I can't do this" etc.) and she is quite naughty which has started to rub off on DD and DD is becoming cheeky and uses the same negative phrases which we don't like. I haven't raised my concerns about this friendship with DD's teachers, but I think I will do at the next parent's evening. I have also gently steered DD and suggested that she plays with her other friends at playtimes but have avoided saying "Don't play with XX" (but do say to DD "You are not as nice a little girl when you play with XX"). I am also good friends with this little girl's mum who encourages the friendship with DD and I am conscious that DD could say "Mummy told me not to play with you"!

Can anyone offer any help or suggestions as to how I can reduce this friendship?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Toughasoldboots · 21/08/2012 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PedanticPanda · 21/08/2012 12:49

"You're not the jackass whisperer."

:o Haha I love it!!

MyDogShitsMoney · 21/08/2012 12:50

Oh, and yes, we sure as shit know how to throw a party

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JugglingWithFiveRings · 21/08/2012 12:56

My DD got together with some of her friends and they called themselves "the freaks" or "the un-populars" or something. (Apparently there was also the boring, NT group called "The populars") Anyway, I loved it - way to go DD

Hope they'll still be going strong in 17 years like your gang MyDog !

MyDogShitsMoney · 21/08/2012 13:00

If DS turns out to be weird (which is very possible seeing as though he's just spent 15 minutes intently playing with the press stud on his trouser pocket ) I only hope I can encourage him to have the confidence to be himself.

I don't give a crap whether he's a total freak or complete conformist as long as he's happy in himself and not a people pleaser.

If I only teach him 4 things it will be self-confidence, humility, tolerance and empathy.

MarthasHarbour · 21/08/2012 13:06

the only thing the OP can salvage out of this is the bad behaviour rubbing off on her DD

other than that

Makingmama · 21/08/2012 13:13

Reading this makes me feel very sad for that poor girl (not your dd). What an awful attitude to have! What sort of morals will you be bringing your dd up to have?!!

AlmostAHipster · 21/08/2012 13:20

Yay for all of the freaks! :)

Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same! I have two geeky/nerdy/ freaky daughters (and one who's In With The In Crowd) and I wouldn't have them any other way. Now they're teenagers, their friends adore them for their uniqueness - it wasn't always like that and we had some very rough times but it's is important that we, as adults, guide our children into celebrating their peers' individuality.

OP, please let your daughter choose her own friendships. She sounds lovely!

Justme23 · 21/08/2012 13:22

Hi, don't worry, I'm not going to call you every name under the sun for being concerned about your child btw, (seriously people, grow up, you sound 100 times worse than the op, at least she has a reason, you are just being bitches for the hell of it, oh yes that and the immense confidence boost it must give you ..:/)

It's natural to be concerned about negative influences ifrom friends especially at what is a highly impressionable age regarding behaviours and communication.

The issue is not with the other child but with your own, you should be laying down the rules on how your child is acting. Another child's behaviours only affect you child if you allow it.

Have you thought of embracing your dds bestie into your household and trying to rub off on her, including the mother. If you are as good friends as you think you are then arranging days out together should be easy.

The other child may have some issues going on or just may be incredibly shy, by excluding her from your dds life you could be causing considerable damage to both parties.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 21/08/2012 13:26

I'm going to stick my head over the parapet here...

I totally agree with all the other posts on your labelling of the poor little girl as 'odd'

But op, what I do agree with is that your worried about your daughter not having other friendships. I think that at their age it's not the greatest thing to have only one friend to the exclusion of everyone else

If it were me I would still encourage this friendship but I would also encourage your daughter to make other friends. Not at the expense of your dd's friend but as well as

wigglesrock · 21/08/2012 14:00

Yes, but the OP didn't start a post writing that she was concerned that her daughter was being made to play with a particular child, that she was uncomfortable etc. The OP led with the "odd little girl" who wears her uniform at weekends and her negative attitude, and asked for advice as to how to distance her daughter from this child.

You know what my almost 5 year old likes to wear at weekends - feck all, or a vest and a pair of knickers - sort of channelling Britney Spears a few years ago.

This thread has stayed with me all bloody morning and usually I couldn't give two shiney shites about people with misplaced ideals about who they children should play with etc.

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 14:04

This is nasty but actally does not surprise me, over the years I have seen all sorts. poor little girl.

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 14:05

Put yourself in the shoes of the little girl and her parents. She sounds lonley, poor wee thing sitting alone at play.

Justme23 · 21/08/2012 14:12

The op was describing the child. She put more inflections on the fat that the child is very negative and is causing her daughter to be the same.

The child probably is odd. Alot of children are odd. Most children are odd. In fact a perfect child would seem the oddest of all.

A lot of very odd children also turn out to have very high IQs. The variables are endless and for the ops want of a better word, odd is how she sees this child. What would you rather she say?

CagneyNLacey · 21/08/2012 14:13

How can any mother know that a little girl is lonely and 'odd' and yet write a post like that?

OP, have these responses surprised you or given you food for thought?

FranSanDisco · 21/08/2012 17:37

The op didn't say the child was lonely just that if her dd didn't play with her she chose to sit alone. DD and DS have had friends who just want a 1-2-1 friend. Friendships should be fluid at this age and 1-2-1's to the exclusion of all others usually means 1 child is stronger/weaker than the other. I have supported a child in a reception class this year and have seen these intense 1-2-1 friendships as their very best and very worst.

Toughasoldboots · 21/08/2012 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 17:44

It is likely the child is lonley if she sits alone at playtime.

I agree that it is good for children to have lots of friends but that doesn't mean that op's DD can't be friends with the child in question. Some parents are quite frankly odd.

FranSanDisco · 21/08/2012 17:47

But is it the child's choice to exclude herself from any friends other than the OP's dd. Is it fair that the OP's dd should feel obligated to play with this child to the exclusion of all others. That is unfair imho. OP never said this child wasn't allowed to play in a group just that if her dd played with others this girl sat alone. Am I missing something??

FalseStartered · 21/08/2012 17:50

i think you are missing the point that the OP wanted support in helping her DD break a friendship she had made, for no other reason than she thought the child was odd.

if there is any other reason the OPs DD should not be friends with this child, i'm sure the OP will come back on thread and correct me.

hermioneweasley · 21/08/2012 17:52

Big whoop for mydog.

Pissy - hope the change of school works out for you.

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 17:52

Agree with false. I don't see anything wrong with wanting DD to mix but to try and break the friendship up for the reasons stated is just nasty.

MadBusLady · 21/08/2012 17:53

It doesn't seem from what we know that the OP's child "feels obligated" to do anything. As far as we know, she's quite happy negotiating her friendships with this girl and with other children as well. It's the OP who wants things to change.

But it doesn't look like we're going to get any more information so meh.

FranSanDisco · 21/08/2012 17:58

Nope didn't miss that point and I agree the OP has done herself no favours in how she has expressed her concerns. However, the OP's dd isn't responsible for this child and should be able to play with who she wants (including this girl).

FranSanDisco · 21/08/2012 18:06

The OP is not that 'odd' as over the years working with Reception and pre-school children I have had parents asking if I can keep x and y apart for no reason I can fathom. I even had parents asking for cousins to be kept apart as bad influences on each other. It's impossible to do and I never agreed to do it and said so. Then there's the 'latch on' mum who picks a nice child and over playdates it to force a friendship - usually ends badly too.

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