How do I steer DD away from her odd school friend?

[helenhn]

DD is 6 yrs old and she has known a little girl since before school. However, this girl has some odd characteristics (wearing school uniform to weekend birthday parties) and doesn't have many friends at school and has latched onto DD. She has now started 2 of the out of school clubs which DD goes to (because DD goes to them) and hangs around her at any parties. This little girl is quite intense and if DD doesn't play with her at school she just sits on her own in the playground or follows DD around. My (and DH's) main concern is that this little girl also has quite a negative attitude ("I am rubbish at this" "I hate this" "I can't do this" etc.) and she is quite naughty which has started to rub off on DD and DD is becoming cheeky and uses the same negative phrases which we don't like. I haven't raised my concerns about this friendship with DD's teachers, but I think I will do at the next parent's evening. I have also gently steered DD and suggested that she plays with her other friends at playtimes but have avoided saying "Don't play with XX" (but do say to DD "You are not as nice a little girl when you play with XX"). I am also good friends with this little girl's mum who encourages the friendship with DD and I am conscious that DD could say "Mummy told me not to play with you"!

Can anyone offer any help or suggestions as to how I can reduce this friendship?

That poor little girl obviously doesnt have many friends and your trying to take the only one shes got it seems away from her just because she had "odd characteristics". If I was in your position I would be encouraging my dd to play with her, inviting her to tea, maybe having a sleepover. This little girl needs support not your snobbish attitude because she isnt perfect! I hope you little girl has more empathy than you do!

You sound lovely op, and your dd. sounds like she is a far nicer person than you. Well done to you for encouraging your dc to ostracise another less confident child. How generous and big hearted of you.

Damn, clicked on threads I'm on and hoped the OP was back with something to say!

My DD is the strange and odd little girl that insists on intense relationships one to one, she also only wears one outfit over and over again and I have to sneak it out to wash it over night (sometimes waiting till midnight for her to finally fall asleep)

She is such hard work and I feel so alone sometimes when she behaves like this and parents whisper about her and exclude her from parties and school holiday get togeathers, I text for friends to come over but no one ever replies back and leaves me witha day of " has she text back, is she coming"

We finally have an assessment for autism coming up next week and have started a new school to get away from nasty mothers like the op

Wish her luck.

I admit I'm a little sensitive and over-emotional at the moment but that OP made me cry.

That poor little girl.

Actually looking back, I was probably that 'odd little girl' when I was that age.

It's difficult enough trying to fit in and make friends, and other children are bad enough, without parents stepping in and encouraging their kids to exclude you!

Aww i wish your dd the best of luck pissydust

pissy just offering my support too - the SN section is a mine of information and support too, there are quite a few of us with DDs on the spectrum

Tough yup, we're moving schools too, my DDs life and education is too precious to waste it on twats like the OP who won't look further than their own needs

Thank you, DD has locked onto a little girl in her new school at holiday club. I actually feel sorry for the little girl because I know what is going to happen.

Her mum is friendly enough but I know there is no point building a relationship because she wil eventually think I'm someone who has raised an odd child and distance herself and her daughter , dd just doesn't have the compassion or empathy to think about her actions and she doesn't have the ability to build friendships slowly, it's all or nothing.

I'm not saying the little girl in the op is autistic, hell I don't even know if my own daughter is yet but Ive only posted in the hope to make people think that there maybe more behind that naughty little odd kid who's mum obviously doesn't give a shit about because she is always in the same clothes.

I'm going to hide this thread now otherwise I will still be sitting here typing away at 10 pm

Wow, x-posts with Pissy and TAOB. Now I'm really crying and don't feel like I'm over-reacting in the slightest.

I was the awkward kid at school. Not on the spectrum at all just socially awkward.

My mum didn't agree with fashion so I always had horrible clothes and really unfashionable hair. I was also kept away from current TV/ Music etc so had no idea of any kind of popular culture. It might sound completely irrelevant but it all adds up to fitting in.

My mum also lacks a lot of social skills and has some narc traits so I didn't learn how to interact if that makes any sense. She doesn't mix with anyone who is not her sort and by that I mean reads nothing but Shakespeare or the DM and watches TV purely for Wildlife documentaries and the news. She also has no concept of self-awareness so I had no idea we were not normal.

For as long as I can remember I knew the other kids thought I was a bit weird and that most of them didn't like me.

One of my earliest memories is no-one turning up to my 4th or 5th birthday party. Just sitting on the lounge floor with my Mum and Dad waiting. It was never spoken about, a party was just never suggested again.

I would latch on to anyone who came close to acting like they would be my friend. I never had a best friend though so each time my current friend got bored of me I'd have to find someone else.

It was a little better in high school but I still only really connected with 2 or 3. The rest were just acquaintances who tolerated me but talked behind my back.

My first real friends I met in 6th form college. I was welcomed into the fold of the biggest bunch of freaks you can imagine. They're wonderful. We're still all as close as ever 17 years later. I thank my lucky stars for them every single day.

(Sorry for the essay, feel free to ignore. I've never actually written it all down before, it just sort of spilled out. Sorry)

I thought asd too when I read the OP!

And if on the spectrum then I can understand why she might wear her uniform on weekends, it might be the only type of clothing her mum can get her to wear.

Dogshitsmoney reading about your bday party brought tears to my eyes, that's such a shame. Reading the rest of your post though was like reading about myself, even down to the bunch of freaks who are now my closest friends. I'm not on the spectrum either but my son is (although we suspect it was due to a genetic disposition on his fathers side), I worry about other mothers with the same frame of mind as the OP it breaks my heart when he cries about nobody wanting to play with him or overhearing other children calling him strange, he's only 5.

Can't help noticing the OP hasn't returned...

What a really sad OP.

That little girl is my DS who was just like is at 6, he is also autistic.

I don't suppose you have any revised thoughts, OP? Honestly it would lift my heart to hear that people can be persuaded to be more tolerant of those who are perceived as different. Albeit "persuaded" in the sense of "unrelenting series of smackdowns".

dogshit, I do hope your happy gang of freaks throws good parties now. I'm so sorry you had such a collection of morons as parents for your classmates when you were little.

There will always be some people who aren't very open to or tolerant of difference. I thought it was quite telling that the first actual info we got in the OP was that the friend has sometimes worn her school uniform to a party - when just a little younger my DS was wearing all sorts - dresses, large rain capes etc. etc !
Please remember (if your own DC struggles to make friends) that some people can be more flexible, tolerant, and generous!

OP - If you're concerned about your DD's friend's apparent negativity and lack of confidence then I'd suggest some friendly praise and positivity might be the way forward ...

Op where are you? Please come back to comment.
My ds's previous 'best' friend had a mother like you. She went into school to get them to end the friendship. She said nothing to me and carried on chatting on the playground.
His teacher ( who was very lacking in discretion) told me exactly what she had said during an IEP review meeting. I cried for days as ds adored his friend. Luckily ds then made friends with another boy who had lovely parents who couldn't give a shit about his quirky behaviour.
I see the horrible mum about locally sometimes but we don't speak - one day I'll tell her that I know what she did and enjoy watching her squirm.

Your op made me gasp. That has never happened before.

That poor child. I hope you reconsider your thoughts.

It was horrible, but confusing more than anything. I just didn't understand why they didn't like me. Didn't see why I was different.

My freaks really are the best though. They've taught me so very much over the years. They just instantly accepted me for who I was. No questions, no opinions, nothing. Just a hi, what's your name?

We laid claim to a usual table in the common room. We once arrived to a handwritten sign on it dubbing it the freaks table. The name kind of stuck! (we really thought we were the cast of Empire Records!)

We were all completely different then and still are now, we revel in our differences, it's what keeps the conversations interesting. We all have a variety of tastes, interests and opinions, some shared some not. We come from many different backgrounds and all have different experiences behind us which shape those views.

What keeps us together is honestly, integrity, a low tolerance for bullshit and a genuine interest in other perspectives.

If struggling as a child is what led me to them it was totally worth it.

Our current motto - "Don't try and win over the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."