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Please tell me it gets better...

126 replies

ShortTether · 25/07/2012 15:40

After three and a half yrs of TTC, numerous tests, seven rounds of clomid and two rounds of ivf, I finally fell pg with much wanted DC1 last summer. The pregnancy was awful, felt ill the whole time, constant blood pressure issues ending in pre-eclampsia and an induced birth which was handled terribly by the hospital (I was refused a c-section, then the midwives refused to believe how far along I was so I was given no pain relief despite begging for an epidural as the induction drugs had overstimulated my body. I was told I was being 'silly' and it was too early for pain relief right up until five mins before giving birth? Nobody bothered examining me and DH practically had to catch DD as she came out as the MWs were too busy doing paperwork).

Then DD was ill and had to stay in special care for a week where the nurses fed her formula from a bottle so by the end of the week, she simply refused to breastfeed. I am now tied to a routine of washing, sterilising and making Up bottles which I never wanted to do and feel excruciatingly guilty about.

I have a crushing feeling of failure - I couldn't get pg naturally, my body couldn't deal with being pg or giving birth and I can't breastfeed.

The only thing that kept me going throughout all the pg and birth nightmares was the thought of finally getting DD home.

But then she developed colic. So for the last ten weeks, I haven't really had a baby, just an angry, writhing, shouty little monster who maybe has half an hour of interacting a day before the screaming takes over. And even when she's asleep she's grunting and groaning and whining like she hates everything, even sleeping.

The upshot is I am getting no sleep and all I get during the day is either crying or whiny grizzling. Even when DH gets home and looks after her I can still hear her being so angry and loud.

I know this is awful but I find myself wondering why I bothered. I went through so much and I am now stuck in my house on my own because I don't want any of my friends to see DD as I can't stand her at the moment so why would I inflict her on other people. I can't take her out because she cries even more. She cries if I hold her, if I don't hold her, in the bath, out of the bath, when she's dressed, or undressed, if her nappy is dirty, clean or being changed ... You get the picture.

Apart from feeding her, I really don't think she even notices me.

My GP and HV have said there's nothing they can do, my family and my in-laws aren't in a position to help, I feel trapped like I'm being held under house arrest by satan's own torturer.

Please please please tell me it gets better!

Sad

PS although I am having the worst time of my entire life, I would like to reassure everyone that DD is being fed, washed, clothed, taken to vaccinations etc...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
ShortTether · 27/07/2012 11:50

Hello all,

Tantrums I didn't have time to thank you for your offer of coming for a walk ... Sadly we are in SE London so don't worry but I do appreciate the offer.

Mamabear we had an odd experience with colief in that it seemed to work brilliantly for three or four days then stopped having an impact at all. I kept going for two weeks but eventually realised that it wasn't worth continuing Sad I suppose us starting to use it must have coincided with a few good days rather than causing them

Am feeling much better today - I had two lots of three hrs' sleep last night. I know that doesn't sound like much for me, it's huge! DH is also working at home today - he can't do too much as he does need to work but is able to look after DD for ten mins here or there do I can do things like eat and have a shower.

The builders are also back so that is helping again. I am wondering whether I could hire them just to sit in our garden with the drill going for a few days...? Grin

I have also made an appt with the GP for a couple of weeks time as who knows what state I will be in then, but also to double check DD for reflux.

The advice you've all given is amazing. You are right, at this stage, just coping is enough. As long as DD is safe, fed, clean and cuddled, I have to remind myself that I am not a crap mother for not particularly enjoying things at the moment.

Best dash as DD needs a bottle ... Thank you all again and I'll keep you posted

Xx

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SomethingSuitablyWitty · 27/07/2012 12:09

ShortTether it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. I haven't any personal experience with bad colic like you describe, but I remember reading up about it in a Penelope Leach book when DD was having fretful evenings when she was a newborn.

Her thoughts on it struck me, as there was something moving about it. Basically, her advice was to share the burden as parents and get through it while supporting each other, but she did say that while parents can often have the terrible, powerless, unhappy feeling that nothing they do makes any difference, in fact the very fact that the baby switches to all-out disconsolate screaming on being put down is a powerful indicator that the non-stop comforting, soothing and carrying does help to reduce the misery an awful lot, even if it can't quite cancel it out. You are helping your DD hugely and she will come through this and when she does, you won't know yourself.

MissPollysTrolleyed · 27/07/2012 12:12

Shorttether, I read your post on the bus this morning and was in floods of empathetic tears (bear in mind I'm 30 weeks pregnant and very emotional at the moment Grin).

You poor thing. It sounds like you've had a series of shocks and disappointments compounded by sleep deprivation but I'm sure things will start to pick up for you very soon.

My birth didn't go to plan and I struggled with the first few months of motherhood and really doubted my decision to have a baby and even wondered if I really loved him. I remember saying that I cared for him but I wasn't sure I really loved him. That terrified me as everyone all other mums I met were absolutely lovestruck.

My DS didn't sleep much in the first few months and I had lots of trouble with mastitis and no support except for my DH at weekends so was permanently at breaking point. I thought I had PND but it turned out that I just had the baby blues as things really turned around at each of the fabled milestones - 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year. I still have days where I cry with frustration and exhaustion but they are rare and I adore my gorgeous boy and he adores me and I can't believe that such a clingy, unhappy baby turned into such a funny, happy little boy. Also, he went from waking four or five times a night to sleeping through overnight at about 4.5 months and that completely turned my life around.

I promise you therefore that things definitely will get better and probably sooner than you think. This thread is full of kind and helpful posts but I think that lots of the posters were unlucky as most babies do settle down enormously by the end of the third month and colic usually passes by then too so your troubles might be at an end much sooner than you think.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself as it sounds like you are already doing a brilliant job of taking care of and loving your baby. xxx

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

catus · 27/07/2012 12:34

Also, do you use a dummy? It's a bit obvious, and you probably thought of it, but DS was a bit easier with a dummy.

FireOverBabylon · 27/07/2012 12:34

*ShortTether8 if white noise (the drill) works for your baby girl, try http://uk.shop.com/Stop+Crying+Kit-31587323-p+.xhtml#pop_pcd_tabs0 this. DS would go to sleep with the lawnmower noise (from memory) but nothing else. If she has liked the sound of the drill, but not the washer, you may just have to keep trying to find other white noises that she does like.

It will get easier, even if not just yet. I don't think I had longer than 2 hours sleep at one time in 6 months and that's the main killer. It's also a hugh shock not to be able to do anything, make a drink, go to the loo, take a shower in peace. Be gentle on yourself, and also ask your new GP about post traumatic stress. you've been through a hell of an experience and it's only natural that you'd react to it.

FireOverBabylon · 27/07/2012 12:35

Magnificently mangeld post then. We try again:

ShortTether if white noise (the drill) works for your baby girl, try this. DS would go to sleep with the lawnmower noise (from memory) but nothing else. If she has liked the sound of the drill, but not the washer, you may just have to keep trying to find other white noises that she does like.

It will get easier, even if not just yet. I don't think I had longer than 2 hours sleep at one time in 6 months and that's the main killer. It's also a hugh shock not to be able to do anything, make a drink, go to the loo, take a shower in peace. Be gentle on yourself, and also ask your new GP about post traumatic stress. you've been through a hell of an experience and it's only natural that you'd react to it.

Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 27/07/2012 14:54

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I'm repeating others.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job in really difficult circumstances. I had a horrible birth first time round (crash c-section) and it made the early days very hard. And SCBU must have been really hard for you all.

Things I'd echo are:

  • sling for carrying around
  • cranial osteopathy (I didn't try this for DS1, but so wish I had in retrospect)
  • time to yourself, even if it's just ten minutes with coffee/wine or a quick wander to the shops
  • singing: both of mine were really soothed by by (tuneless) singing as babies, and it was something I found I could do when I couldn't just babble on
  • get out if you can - in the early days DS1 in particular slept much better in the pram than anywhere else, and if you take a book, you can find a bench/coffee shop for a read if she does drop off.

DS2 went through quite a screamy phase at 8 weeks. What worked best was putting him face down over a cushion (with his head gently relaxed over the end and his body supported by the cushion) and patting him steadily on the back, like a heart beat.

Do talk to people about how the birth was, and why it went the way it did. You might even want to get hold of your hospital notes. Something I found really helpful after DS1's birth was the idea that although I didn't have PTSD, post-traumatic stress was a normal reaction to what I'd be through. Somehow knowing it was ok to feel sad and upset about it provided some comfort. And you are absolutely NOT a failure. Giving birth without pain relief is an astonishing thing to do (even if it bloody hurt).

The first three months are really hard work, but things do start to ease after that. It does get better, I promise...

ShortTether · 27/07/2012 21:18

Thank you all for your tips, I will try them all out!

It made such a difference having DH at home, still shattering and ear splitting but I had company and managed a loo break and tea break every now and again.

It is really heartening to hear that this will get better. I know this is silly but I really got to point when I thought this was it FOREVER. Right, DD has gone to sleep, DH is going to do the next bottle so I am hoping I might get a respectable amount of sleep (maybe three or four hrs)!

X

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cappucinogirl4 · 28/07/2012 17:58

Hope you got a decent stretch of sleep ShortTether and DD had a quieter night.I tried propping up DD's cot mattress with a pillow underneath and that did help a little bit.To be honest I tried everything going with little difference - cranial osteo didn't work for me either but you never know.We had 3 sessions.She wouldn't take a dummy either.God she was murder!

Fingers crossed you get a quiet night tonight! I remember with each day that passed I mentally ticked it off as 1 day nearer to a better phase.xx

ShortTether · 28/07/2012 18:13

Hi cappucino

I think things are really much the same with DD but I am feeling a bit more positive today. DH has been around all day and has been able to give me a break ... Even though I used my breaks to do some housework, it's still made me feel a bit more sane!

I know what you mean about checking off the days ... I keep thinking each night we are a day closer to better times even though I have no idea when they might be, I know we are closer to them today than we were yesterday.

DH and I are also planning a big walk tomorrow; we have armed ourselves with everything we need to feed DD on the go and I am looking forward to some country air.

If nothing else, I can sleep in the car to and from the walk as DH will be driving!

We've also found something else that stops DD from wailing: our dog howling! Granted it's not a long term solution but it did make us laugh. The dog was howling at a fox in the garden (he was cross that he couldn't get out to remonstrate with it) and DD was stunned into silence.

It gives me hope that there are things out there that work!

Thank you for checking in

Xxx

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BBwolefs · 28/07/2012 18:28

Sorry havent been able to read whole thread but incase someone hasnt suggested them, cot blocks really helped us, they are crafted to go under the legs of a cot or crib to raise one end, the angle really helped DS

Hope things get better for you soon

ShortTether · 28/07/2012 18:32

Thank you!

We were considering DIYing with some books but things made especially for the purpose sound more reassuring ... I will investigate ...

OP posts:
MsPickle · 28/07/2012 19:04

Hi, I don't have time to read the whole thread but I'm also in SE London. My ds is now 2:5 and I'm pregnant with no.2 but would be happy to meet in a park and see of his noise has the same affect as builders? ;). I remember a mum from the newborn days who was convinced her baby was upsetting us all with her crying, frankly I was too tired with my own to notice and mine puked the whole time and never slept so that was my focus! Don't not do things in case she cries, anyone that has an issue with that isn't worth worrying about! Hope the sleeping has continued!

BBwolefs · 28/07/2012 19:18

They are only about a tenner on amazon, set of six so three heights, and are designed to not tip, defo worth a go

ShortTether · 28/07/2012 22:38

Thanks MsPickle that's v kind; will PM you tomorrow x

Thanks again everyone for your advice ... For some reason DD has taken to going to sleep at all before midnight which makes the screaming marginally more tolerable. Fingers crossed she manages to stay snoozy for a bit.

X

OP posts:
peasizedbladder · 29/07/2012 20:35

I promise it will get better VERY SOON. Colic should be gone in two weeks. Get out there, get help, get a break, get company, real friends will loveto help. Sorry would say more but baby just projectile vomited overme/iPad.....

ShortTether · 30/07/2012 20:26

Thank you Peasized ... I really hope it will get better soon. I guess it's like anything nasty that when you're in the middle of it, it seems like there is no end in sight...

Am going to make myself go out tomorrow, even if it's just for a quick walk around the park while pretending.

It's good to hear from other people that it will go away at some point.

Thanks
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Weissbier · 30/07/2012 21:01

ShortTether it sounds like you are doing amazingly and it definitely WILL pass!

In the meantime I just wonder - a friend of mine had a situation a bit like yours (no colic, but v fussy baby) and her mum had the inspired idea of gifting her three days of a maternity nurse. The nurse came in and basically Gina Ford-ed the baby (no cry-it-out, but she put him on one of these at 10:31 baby will play on his mat with one red and one blue toy, at 10:47 baby will feed for 17 minutes routines). Anyway he responded SO well to this. I am not a rigid-routines person at all, I'd been saying use sling etc etc so you could've knocked me down with a feather, but it seemed to be just what this little one had been looking for.

I just googled it and there are some nurses that specialize in colic, like these ones: www.coliccare.co.uk/services/ccs-maternity-nurses.

Maternity nurses are expensive so I dunno if this is a realistic suggestion, but in the case of my friend it was the best money her mum had ever spent. And even if it didn't work, it would give you a break.

iloveberries · 30/07/2012 21:06

Sorry no time to read full thread but:

  1. It does get better!!
  2. Have you tried gripewater? Sorry if it's mentioned earlier... It was the ONLY thing that stopped ds howling.

Will try and catch up tomorrow

ShortTether · 31/07/2012 21:48

Thank you for your tips - all thoughts welcome!

We've had quite a good day today; DD slept for five hours last night and was quite chirpy until about 5 pm. So far we are on day 3 of the new comfort milk formula, I have installed some bed blocks (thanks to the poster who suggested them), DD was in a sling a lot of today and I think it's all made a difference.

Weissbier, that's interesting about the routine - I've been trying the baby whisperer EASY routine and I don't know how much it's helped DD but it's certainly made my days easier to manage. The idea of some help sounds amazing! I am looking into it...

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and tips

Xx

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 31/07/2012 22:30

Oh dear you have been through the lot haven't you.

All I can advise is focus on the long game, it will get better in time and you will enjoy this soon. It is so hard when it all seems to be against you but one day... in the not too distant future.... this will be a memory.

LBsBongers · 31/07/2012 22:36

My DCs were distracted from screaming by oven extractor fan combined with jaunty bouncing moves.

cappucinogirl4 · 02/08/2012 20:27

Hi short tether
Good to hear you had a 5 hour stretch of sleep.THats pretty good! Thinking of you and fingers crossed the milk change makes a difference.x

ShortTether · 03/08/2012 14:39

Hi Cappucino

Thanks for checking in.

The new formula does seem to be doing something - DD is eating much more than she was of the other formula and she does seem to be sleeping more restfully as well as longer so I am hoping those are both signs that she is feeling better.

DD has also stopped being sick and snorting milk out of her nose which was making her, understandably, cranky (although the HV just said that was normal Hmm ).

The screaming still isn't really subsiding but I am making more of an effort to go out. Yesterday, it was quite blowy so I thought I'd go for a walk in the hope that the wind would blow the sound away! It seemed to work and, apart from a confused spaniel, we didn't seem to bother anyone.

Hoping to go out again today after DD's next feed.

Hope all is well with you

Xxx

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cappucinogirl4 · 03/08/2012 18:39

Excellent.Just thought i'd check in and see how you're doing.I'm currently in London at the olympics and am getting strange looks from my dd for checking in with mumsnet! So i've explained how similar she was to your dd and she is horrified!
Are you handing dd to dh when he gets home from work? MAke sure you are ! I expect it will take a week or so for dd to settle down with her new milk.As i remember changes never happened overnight for us.

Hang on in there,you're sounding much more positive and I hope the weekend goes well.
Xx

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