Please tell me it gets better...

[ShortTether]

After three and a half yrs of TTC, numerous tests, seven rounds of clomid and two rounds of ivf, I finally fell pg with much wanted DC1 last summer. The pregnancy was awful, felt ill the whole time, constant blood pressure issues ending in pre-eclampsia and an induced birth which was handled terribly by the hospital (I was refused a c-section, then the midwives refused to believe how far along I was so I was given no pain relief despite begging for an epidural as the induction drugs had overstimulated my body. I was told I was being 'silly' and it was too early for pain relief right up until five mins before giving birth? Nobody bothered examining me and DH practically had to catch DD as she came out as the MWs were too busy doing paperwork).

Then DD was ill and had to stay in special care for a week where the nurses fed her formula from a bottle so by the end of the week, she simply refused to breastfeed. I am now tied to a routine of washing, sterilising and making Up bottles which I never wanted to do and feel excruciatingly guilty about.

I have a crushing feeling of failure - I couldn't get pg naturally, my body couldn't deal with being pg or giving birth and I can't breastfeed.

The only thing that kept me going throughout all the pg and birth nightmares was the thought of finally getting DD home.

But then she developed colic. So for the last ten weeks, I haven't really had a baby, just an angry, writhing, shouty little monster who maybe has half an hour of interacting a day before the screaming takes over. And even when she's asleep she's grunting and groaning and whining like she hates everything, even sleeping.

The upshot is I am getting no sleep and all I get during the day is either crying or whiny grizzling. Even when DH gets home and looks after her I can still hear her being so angry and loud.

I know this is awful but I find myself wondering why I bothered. I went through so much and I am now stuck in my house on my own because I don't want any of my friends to see DD as I can't stand her at the moment so why would I inflict her on other people. I can't take her out because she cries even more. She cries if I hold her, if I don't hold her, in the bath, out of the bath, when she's dressed, or undressed, if her nappy is dirty, clean or being changed ... You get the picture.

Apart from feeding her, I really don't think she even notices me.

My GP and HV have said there's nothing they can do, my family and my in-laws aren't in a position to help, I feel trapped like I'm being held under house arrest by satan's own torturer.

Please please please tell me it gets better!

PS although I am having the worst time of my entire life, I would like to reassure everyone that DD is being fed, washed, clothed, taken to vaccinations etc...

Oh then double thank you for checking in on me while you are Olympic-ing. I hope you have an amazing time!

I am indeed handing DD over - DH is allowed a beer in th garden when he gets back from work but then has to report for duty

It has been so heartening to hear that little colicky gremlins turn back into actual humans at some point.

I know we're not there yet but what I have noticed is that DD will respond eventually now to cuddles and singing. It takes a while but she does get a little calmer which is a BIG step forward from the inconsolable, grumpy, tight-fisted little devil from the last 11 weeks.

Have a fab time at the Olympics with your DD!

Xxx

Sorry OP, I don't have the time to read all replies so forgive me if this has already been mentioned.
I felt compelled to reply as so much of what you posted rang bells with me. I had awful PND, I needed help, I took medication which worked fantastically - but too late at 16 wks postnatal.
Please seek some decent support, from Hv or gp, whichever is most helpful.
I wished I'd never had a baby, wished I could go back to it just being me & DH, hated him, felt my heart racing and panicking every time he cried. I wanted to run away, wanted to throw him into his cot (was so so close to this it petrified me), was so aggressive to all my family and so desperately sad. I took DS to lunch once and forbid my friends from looking at him or talking to him as "the devil didn't deserve it after keeping me up all night".... He was about 8 weeks old

I don't want sympathy, I just don't want you to get even lower. Please get help.

And it really really really gets better.

Thank you so much for posting; I am sorry you had such a horrible time.

I do have an appt to see my GP next week as, although when I spoke to her at the 8 week post natal appt she said "everyone gets the baby blues," I do think I need a bit more support ... Even just to get DD checked out for reflux although she is doing better on the new formula.

In the darkest, screamiest hours, I definitely do get a "why did I bother having a baby" thought going round in my head and even if the GP won't help me, if she could at least give me some thoughts on how to help DD, it would be hugely helpful. I feel really let down by the health professionals and I really don't want things to get in the way of me bonding with DD more than the obstacles already thrown at us have.

Thanks again for posting, it really helps to hear from people who have been in a similar position and made it through,

ShortTether, I'm in a similar position as you. I have a five week old who is being rocked by grandma who has come to stay to give us a bit of relief. She was conceived via ICSI which we paid thousand of pounds for (as we have DS who was conceived naturally hen secondary infertility) and I had a worrying time through this pregnancy with suspected placenta previa. At 38 weeks, I was rushed to hospital by ambulance as I had a significant bleed and she was delivered by EMCS. I lost 2 litres of blood and had to have a transfusion. I waited so long for her and thought that I might lose her but at times, during her crying spells, for a fleeting second I wonder why we bothered. Don't get me wrong; we love her dearly and hate seeing her so distressed but we are shattered.

Tomorrow, I'm off to buy some Colief to try and I have emailed an Osteopath about giving her a baby MOT. We toughed it out with DS because we thought that was the only way so if I can make things better for DD sooner, I'm going to try it. However, if nothing works, I will carry on holding onto the fact that DS got better and is now a lovely, happy, healthy four year old. And soon enough DD will be a delight, too.

Shorttether - not everyone gets baby blues. And true baby blues are transient and self-limiting. They are feeling a bit tearful for a few days because you're exhausted and a mess of hormones.
8 weeks in is no longer transient in my book.
Is your HV any good? Or see another GP. You can also google the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale and answer it honestly yourself and see how you score.
I'm not saying you definitely have PND, I just want you to be supported appropriately.
And, FWIW, I'm a midwife.
Take care.

Hi short tether have just read your thread I hope you got some sleep? I think your doing amazingly well I have no advice to add but just wanted to say i understand your perspective regarding birth trauma. My ds was born at 26 weeks following a car crash. Would a sort of birth de brief help you do you think? Although frankly your hospital sounds crap! I second going back to your gp or changing gp, not saying you have Pnd but your feeling after 8 weeks plus don't sound transient which is what the so called baby blues are. And just because it's worth saying again- you are doing amazing! I hope you get out today if only for a few minutes fresh air.

Thank you all for posting - I have to be quick as DD is about to wake up I think!

We had a miserable evening yesterday but a very good night ... One 7 hour stretch and one 5 hour stretch. I think the new formula is helping DD eat what she needs so she has enough fuel to sleep properly.

I do think I need somewhere to vent about the shoddy treatment at the hospital. I was thinking I might contact the patient liaison service; I think that means I don't have to make a formal complaint but I can still have a grumble to someone who can take it further if they want.

Mama1980 I hope your LO is alright now ... How stressful for you.

lychees sorry you had a stressful time too. I hope the colief and osteo help your DD; it's really good to hear that you have a little screamer who turned into a happy toddler, it does give me hope!

Joseph thank you for your post, it's good to hear from a professional that I am not just being a hormonal wreck. Although I don't particularly want to have PND, if I do have it, I want some help, not to be written off! Will check out that scale ...

to everyone

TV. My mum came every day for the first ten weeks. DD all happy baby. As soon as my mum left in the evening DD would become baby from hell screaming etc. The hour in between mum going and DP coming home from work was hell, and I think I spent most of it in tears....
So I would stick DD in fleecy chair and watch the Friends hour on Channel 4....give it a go! And get out of the house as much as you can, long walks will push the happy chemicals into you!

Thanks cocky ! Your little DD does sound like a madam! I am making an effort to get out every day now; some very kind posters offered to go for a walk with me and I thought if I could get myself together enough to meet other people for a walk, then it is really wussy of me not to go by myself IYSWIM.

Also, I have just had a MASSIVE moment about our HV. She said not to give colicky babies baths until they are four months old because it overstimulates them but I just had to bath DD as she had spewed and spilt all manner of crap over herself ... She had a good old rant in the bath but is now sound asleep, no griping, no arguing, just went to sleep after her bottle and stirred slightly when I put her in her bed but didn't complain or anything and is now snoozing like a sleepy bear.

Maybe the HV was right for younger colicky babies?

op, trust me it gets so much better

and this is from someone who did it all wrong, let them be fussy eaters, let them sleep in with me, was a bit soft, never left them in childcare,was rubbish at controlled crying, thought hv's were always right.....

and my 2 are now great

it comes/.....eventually

trust your instincts, hv's can be so crap so often

Just expressing solidarity OP, I have a 6 week old baby who is high maintenance, non-sleeping, refluxy, colicky, you name it.

He was very much planned, TTC for 2 years, anxious pregnancy & horrible traumatic birth followed by infection, milk not coming in, both of us getting thrush, moving to formula (guilt, guilt).

I have just been diagnosed with pnd & started on meds, and to be honest, while its awful, it was a relief to be diagnosed as I have not felt right since he was born.

No advice as such, but hope you are doing ok, people keep telling me that this phase passes so quickly although it doesn't feel like it when you are in the middle of it & if you don't feel better do go back to gp, its hard work and knackering but we shouldn't be feeling miserable & desperate (or at least not all the time).

Sending a hug!

I agree, try cranial oesteopathy, its great. Make sure he is specifically qualified to work on babies though or it might be no use. If you live anywhere in Fife (I know not very likely) I can give you a recomendation. I laughed at your list of things you tried as I remember doing the same, bought every possible gadget. Remeber driving round in the car in the middle of the night, all these awful moments. I aslo second the headphones idea but make sure you dont use a lie flat buggy (like you are supposed to) but rather a car seat attachment one so the babies not lying flat.
Lots of coffee and cake was my saviours, and at least you are allowed a g&T. If you had breastfed like you wanted that wouldnt be allowed either :)
Hope things improve soon
oh and btw on child 2 now who is such a dream in comparison, already slept all night twice now at only 3 months. DS1 is still a challenge but in a wonderful way, he is just discovered "why?"

Sorry managed to miss 3 pages of this so prob irrelevant what I just posted. Still not geting quite enough sleep obviously

Thank you for your posts ladies - I am other people have gone through this but it gives me hope that there is light on the other side!

goodname you are right about the G&T! I know there are definitely advantages to formula feeding and that's certainly one of them!

I am feeling a bit more hopeful as, although the grizzlies continue, I think the new formula is def working well for DD as I weighed her today and she has gone from the 8th centile to the 25th in two weeks. I am quite grumpy that if I hadn't been so pigheaded a bit proactive about not accepting that DD snorting milk out of her nose and being very sick every night was, as the HV said, normal, then she still would be suffering with reflux nasties. I think she still has some issues but I am relieved her weight is going in the right direction.

I felt pretty powerless in the face of her being grizzly and not putting on weight ... At least we now have one of those two things sorted.

Little steps .......

DH is bravely on bedtime duty tonight so I might well indulge in a quick gin!

cappucino I don't know if you are still reading the thread but I hope you had a great time at the olympics

It does get better I promise. I had miscarriages, difficult birth, had to have surgery after birth, baby with colic who seemed to cry solidly for first three months.

I felt mortified going out anywhere. I thought everybody could hear my dc screaming - it seemed so loud to me. I bought various books about crying. None of them seemed to help.

But in hindsight a newborn crying is actually quite quiet to other mums. And not nearly as bad as you think. And other mums don't see it as a sign that you're not coping. Just that your baby is crying at the moment.

At around 12 weeks my baby stopped crying. And rarely cried at all after that. I got better from my surgery. And she started sleeping through the night. She became a happy, quick to laugh toddler with a huge sense of fun.

Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances. But don't feel you can't go out. All babies cry. Some more than others. Other people with babies don't really notice nearly as much as you think.

One of the things we used to do was put the vacuum cleaner on in the evenings and watch the tv with subtitles on. Lord knows what our neighbours thought. But I think going for a walk with the buggy and headphones on is a great idea too.

Hi shorttether, we're on our way back to Yorkshire today (7hours driving!) but had a great Olympic experience thanks. Sounds like you're doing well and I'll keep checking in.

bluana thanks for your post - i am sorry you had such a hard time too.

I had a very intersting experience today; a friend invited me over for lunch today and I thought I should go as it was only in her house so not as traumatic as a restaurant in the event of a DD meltdown. DD was relatively relaxed but had a few spells of screeching ... And my friend was totally unbothered. I know this sounds daft but I was at how unbothered she was.

She doesn't have kids so I was expecting or worse, pity, but she just said she had heard far worse and DD would grow out of it soon.

So I know this is a tiny step but it's the first time I have been out for lunch since DD was born and my friend's reaction has made me chill out a bit about taking DD out.

bluana as you and other posters have said, I guess the noise is bigger in my head than in other people's ears.

cappucino glad you enjoyed the Olympics!

That's great Short. It really does help to get out of the house for a bit I think, even if it's just for an hour. Hope today was a good day for you too.

Hi, just come across this thread. I was the same about worrying about noisy crying when taking my DS out to shops etc, but now I've done it a few times I can say no one gave me evil looks! At first I got a bit paranoid/defensive when people peered into his pram and said 'ooh is he hungry? That sounds like a hungry cry' but the amount of positive reactions have made up for it, I can't believe people can look at a bright red howling baby and say 'Awww isn't he lovely?' but they do! And I got a lot of sympathetic smiles and 'oh I remember that noise '
He's 11 weeks now and definitely getting better though does still have his moments. So I would recommend getting out with your baby, if nothing else they sound quieter outside....

How's it going shorttether? When is your appt with gp? x

cappucino hello, the appt is on wednesday - thank the lord for all you ladies though as there is no way I would have made it until then without your support!

Things are getting much better though, DD is still quite shouty but the intensity and inconsolable fury has definitely subsided. She's gone from sounding like a woodcutting saw going through a large ball of dry rope to a mildly annoyed leopard

One thing that has really helped is that she is sleeping much much better - she still wakes up for a bottle around 3 or 4 am but has properly restful sleep without any sleep wailing and she hasn't been sick since we started on the new milk so I think she must be feeling better.

Today was awesome for me because DH looked after her for the afternoon and I slept like a log so i am definitely feeling chirpier.

Fingers crossed I can persuade DH to do another afternoon stint (not too much to ask, i hope, given I do all the night duty) tomorrow!

Thanks again

Xxx

I promise it does get better!

BUT I can't believe that GPs are still saying "all mums get the baby blues" - not only is it not true but there is a huge difference between that and PND. I was incredibly lucky as I had the most amazing doula who gave me the Edinburgh post natal depression test (www.fresno.ucsf.edu/pediatrics/downloads/edinburghscale.pdf) - score of 13/30 or more and you should be worried - I had 23! Not sure if you are supposed to do it yourself...i found it easier to be honest to myself than it would have been to say the same things to the GP.

If you can possibly afford to pay for a bit of help it's definately worth doing - just to have someone around who isn't family/friends so you don't feel like you are imposing! I loved the baby whisperer book - that really helped me!

The other thing to remember is that if you need to leave her to cry for a few minutes then that's not the end of the world. As long as she is safe (cot/pram) then if you need to walk away and have a cup of tea out of earshot then you can do it.

Hello fellow tether

Glad the formula is working. I second the Dr.Brown's bottles recommendation, they worked wonders for DD1. Also might be worth trying her on some infant gaviscon.

The main thing to remember is that parenting a baby is such a tiny part of being a parent. I'm barely adequate at parenting a baby, but am much more effective the older DD1 gets (DD2 only 12wks).

You get a lot of people who tell you to cherish the baby months as they are so short lived. The good news is that they are short lived whether you cherish them or not

Hi ShortTether, I really feel for you. I had many miscarriages, then a baby with severe iugr and pre-eclampsia with each pregnancy and a couple of stays in SCBU. It hasn't been an easy journey for you so far but it will improve I promise. It really does sound as though you dd has silent reflux the poor little thing. It's not normal for a baby to cry and be distressed all of the time. I have 3 dd's and they all had this problem. My first baby had a few problems before and after the birth so my anxiety levels were already sky high. Then she wouldn't feed, cried and arched her back whenever I tried to feed her, was distressed and unsettled often and appeared to be in pain and discomfort when she was feeding. No one listened to me and as I had no experience of this my poor baby suffered this problem untreated for about 6 months. With dd2 my new gp referred her to a paediatrician who immediately diagnosed reflux and started treatment which really helped her. My dd3 is 3 months old and also has reflux, we recognised the symptoms, she was very unsettled, crying, reduced feeding and struggling during feeds, couldn't lie her down, even 2 hrs after a feed it would be trickling out of her mouth. We tried comfort with gaviscon in each bottle which did work well initially. You can buy infant gaviscon over the counter without a prescription. It sounds like this might be worth a try in your case, you can do this even if the gp does nothing for you. It creates a raft over the top of the stomach contents to stop it travelling back up the oesophagus and burning it. After about 4 wks this stopped working for us, and it was constipating her and dd3 started becoming distressed again. My gp suggested Enfamil AR formula which goes solid in the stomach so again doesn't travel back up, it's better again that aptamil comfort. He also prescribed Zantac 3 times daily to reduce the stomach acid. This has had to be increased a couple of times as the crying and difficulty feeding has come back after some time but truly she is a different baby on these two things. The current dosage she is on is keeping it all controlled. I would push for both. I would say to your gp that your baby simply can't be left to suffer when there are treatments that may help and there is nothing to lose by trying them. You could trial them and if they don't help discontinue them. I used to be crying my eyes out by 9 am with the stress and worry of it all with dd1 and if only I had been listened to she might not have had to go through it. I wish you both all the best and hope you get some help.

Shorttether,

DD is now 15 months old but I could tell you some stories about the first 9 months of her..

Your midwife should be strung up for telling you that snorting sick is normal - its a classic sign of reflux. DD had reflux caused by multiple food intolerances especially dairy for the first year and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I consider myself a very tough cookie.

She is still a horrendous sleeper and I am in SE London (Blackheath), so if you ever want a fellow sufferer to whinge to, just pm me!