Please tell me it gets better...

[ShortTether]

After three and a half yrs of TTC, numerous tests, seven rounds of clomid and two rounds of ivf, I finally fell pg with much wanted DC1 last summer. The pregnancy was awful, felt ill the whole time, constant blood pressure issues ending in pre-eclampsia and an induced birth which was handled terribly by the hospital (I was refused a c-section, then the midwives refused to believe how far along I was so I was given no pain relief despite begging for an epidural as the induction drugs had overstimulated my body. I was told I was being 'silly' and it was too early for pain relief right up until five mins before giving birth? Nobody bothered examining me and DH practically had to catch DD as she came out as the MWs were too busy doing paperwork).

Then DD was ill and had to stay in special care for a week where the nurses fed her formula from a bottle so by the end of the week, she simply refused to breastfeed. I am now tied to a routine of washing, sterilising and making Up bottles which I never wanted to do and feel excruciatingly guilty about.

I have a crushing feeling of failure - I couldn't get pg naturally, my body couldn't deal with being pg or giving birth and I can't breastfeed.

The only thing that kept me going throughout all the pg and birth nightmares was the thought of finally getting DD home.

But then she developed colic. So for the last ten weeks, I haven't really had a baby, just an angry, writhing, shouty little monster who maybe has half an hour of interacting a day before the screaming takes over. And even when she's asleep she's grunting and groaning and whining like she hates everything, even sleeping.

The upshot is I am getting no sleep and all I get during the day is either crying or whiny grizzling. Even when DH gets home and looks after her I can still hear her being so angry and loud.

I know this is awful but I find myself wondering why I bothered. I went through so much and I am now stuck in my house on my own because I don't want any of my friends to see DD as I can't stand her at the moment so why would I inflict her on other people. I can't take her out because she cries even more. She cries if I hold her, if I don't hold her, in the bath, out of the bath, when she's dressed, or undressed, if her nappy is dirty, clean or being changed ... You get the picture.

Apart from feeding her, I really don't think she even notices me.

My GP and HV have said there's nothing they can do, my family and my in-laws aren't in a position to help, I feel trapped like I'm being held under house arrest by satan's own torturer.

Please please please tell me it gets better!

PS although I am having the worst time of my entire life, I would like to reassure everyone that DD is being fed, washed, clothed, taken to vaccinations etc...

My 11mo sons is driving me to disgusted distraction.
I just don't know how to cope with the filthy mess he creates. My metered water bill has soared as he needs regular bathing to remove the encrusted food that he drives into his hair, orifices, clothes, furniture, me, anywhere he can reach.
I'm really worried he's not eating enough as I have to sweep and clean loads of food from around his high chair every meal. It goes everywhere but into him.
He eats and then stuffs his hands into his mouth so throws up.
How do I get him to eat properly and keep it down?

How do I delete this?

Hi Short, I haven't read all the posts but wanted to say IT DOES GET BETTER! Trust me, I know where you are coming from - clomid, 4 IVFs, one ectopic, lost both tubes and nearly died, got pregnant again, lost one twin, had a placental abruption, baby born at 33 weeks, massively jaundiced and in and out of hospital for weeks. Meanwhile my father died.

Then the reflux started.

Oh. My. God. It sucks the life out of you. It is incredibly stressful and the difficulty of looking after a colicky/refluxy baby is way underestimated. Then one day it lifts - and it's like the sun is shining again, and a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. Be kind on yourself, it's normal to be exhausted and distraught. There isn't much you can do now, so grit your teeth and it will get better.

Btw you are not a failure for your delivery/not breastfeeding, how silly!

Sending you big unmumsnetty hugs!

I had a colicky/refluxy/god knows what else baby and he was an angry little fella. I felt pretty much the same as you are describing - I braved baby massage one day thinking I would be home within the hour because everyone else was sick of the grizzly/angry little man in the corner!!! However I got there and there were 2 other mums in exactly the same situation as mine more or less. We would stand/walk/jig/rock at the back of the class whilst all the other babies were happily gurgling on the floor!! It was very theraputic actually and me and the other 2 mums have created a strong bond because of it. We'd get together all the time at each others houses and in the end just have a whinge or giggle about how generally crap our lives were since our "darling offspring".
Give it a go. Honestly. You are not alone. You will be surprised how supportive people are. There will be babies out there worse than yours which is the best feeling (in a weird way!!).
My little fella is now a happy smiley clever little 12 mo....who is a joy to be around. And I never ever thought i'd be saying that....trust me. whispers even considering having another!!!????
Please try and get out and about. Solitary confinement is a method of torture for a reason you know....and that's without a angry little baby screaming in your ear.
Good luck. And yes it does get better...but it's bloody hard work in the meantime.
You deserve a medal.
Take care.

Hello all,

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences - horrid that so many people have been through such a similarly rubbish time but it's good to know that it does get better.

I'm having a bit of a grotty day today as DH got really snippy yesterday saying things like:

When will the complaining stop?
Everyone else with a baby is out there enjoying themselves, why are you choosing to be so miserable?
Why can't you just make best of things?
She's a perfect little baby, what are you whinging about?
What do you think it's like for me listening to you whine the whole time?

I just feel like a total failure today and really lonely as I obviously can't talk to DH about things.

He also said the classic "I'm tired too" but at that point I did loose the plot and suggest that he was tired because he goes out with his mates, gets drunk and gets to bed late. He has done none of the night duty since he went back to work when DD was 2 weeks old, sleeps in a different room so has a perfectly good night's sleep every night and I have only had one evening (three hours out of the house; had prepared all the bottles etc for him; was back to do bedtime things) off in fourteen weeks (including the time I was in hospital before giving birth).

On the plus side, I did manage a trip to Sainsburys today and DD woke up half way through but seemed more interested in looking around than crying which was a huge breakthrough!

Thanks again for all your posts, they are the only light at the end of the tunnel at the moment

Xx

Hi ShortTether,

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to tell you it does get better....I promise!

I know it probably feels like a hassle, but the best tip I can give you is that babies seem to behave better when other people are there, so I always have a better day with DS if I take him out to a mum and baby group or out for a walk or see friends etc. My friends with babies agree theirs are easier when other people are there, I don't know if it's because there's more going on to distract them or you're more relaxed as you're chatting to people but it seems to be the same for everyone I know.

I found things kept on improving at certain points, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, 24 weeks.

Sleep is a massive factor too, my DM always says you can deal with anything as long as you've had some sleep. It's really hard, almost to the point of being unbearable when you have a newborn baby and aren't getting enough sleep.

Also, re. the breastfeeding,please please stop feeling guilty about it, you have done nothing wrong. I didn't manage to breastfeed and I had planned to and spent far too much time feeling bad, but it doesn't get you anywhere. As my DM says "there's a reason formula milk is so popular"! Breastfeeding is harder than the leaflets would have you believe (IME anyway).

I found talking to my mum really helps with baby issues eg routines, weaning, breastfeeding etc and actually anyone older is usually sooo much more relaxed than us, it really makes me feel better to chat about it with people who have been there and got the t-shirt.

Hi Shortthether.Slap your DH for me will you! He's being totally unreasonable! but he probably didn't mean what he said.Maybe having a newborn isn't what he expected? I'm sure my DH and I have said stupid things when life is tense and I do remember having a 'who's the most tired' competition.Although we did do the night in shifts.I went to bed at 8pm (still do!) and DH did the feeds up to midnight and I took over after that.At least I got a 4 hour stretch of sleep.Could this work for you?

You are NOT a failure! you are doing a fantastic job under very trying circumstances.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow and i hope you tell him how YOU are feeling.Let us know how you get on.

Have you found any baby groups to go to? It helped massively for me mainly to see that I wasn't the only one with a screamer!

I'm off to Bristol tomorrow to visit family for a few days but i'll try and check in on my phone.

Thinking of you and big unmumsnetty hugs ((()))) x

Hi there, I didn't manage to read the whole thread so apologies if I repeat other advice!

Would you consider craniosacral therapy for your baby? my osteopath said he has done this on babies who have colic etc and it can sometimes work amazingly well. I had medical acupuncture and osteopathy after my c section and my God it worked absolute wonders so I can imagine craniosacral therapy might be an excellent thing to try.

Also about the breastfeeding - I couldn't do it past the first few weeks (had a c section, didn't make nearly enough milk, baby lost so much weight I had to switch to formula). I initially felt guilty and sad like you but within a couple of weeks - wow, I admit I love it. My baby is so happy and smiley now with a full tummy and we get a lot more play time and meals are a lot more spaced out. He and I have a really strong bond and he loves mummy time when he gets bottle milk - so much so that he refuses to take a bottle from anyone but me at the moment . I cant say he cares or even noticed that the milk was coming from a different place. your baby will be healthy and just fine on formula.

Btw-make your partner do a couple of nights where he does the nightfeeds. And prepare all the bottles himself. That'll make him see your side of things much clearer.

Thanks again for all your posts!

I have had an interesting drs experience today. The GP I was meant to see is off sick so the duty dr called me for a phone consultation.

I would love thoughts of mums with reflux / colic experience on the advice I was given:

• she said DD probably doesn't have reflux because the screaming doesnt happen at every feed; there is one night feed when she is too tired to do much but eat briefly followed by immediate snoozing

• she has advised me to feed DD fewer feeds during the day. She currently eats every three hrs; the dr said to try going for 3.5 or 4 hrs. I'm not quite sure about this as I feed DD every three hours because that's when she asks for food.

• she said that, if it is reflux, the only real cure is weaning so we 'will have to tough it out for another three months'

• she said it doesn't sound like I have PND as I am 'managing to cope ok' with the day to day practicalities of looking after DD.

Hmmm, I now have to explain to DD that she has to wait for her bottle! Eeeek!

You had to wait 2.5 weeks for that???

Personally, i would ignore most of what she said. You are the one at home with the baby, you know her needs, feed her when you feel she is hungry. Trust your instincts.

I didnt have a colicky baby so cant give you much practical advice there. I do know that colick thends to subside from 12 weeks, so you should hopefully see improvements from here on in.

Your whole medical care sounds rubbish. I had a horrendous delivery with dd1. Had a meeting/debrief with midwives to discuss. It didnt help. It may for you though. I then needed my notes during pregnancy with dd2. Had to jump through all sorts of hoops and wait months for them. What did help was writing a lenghty letter of complaint about the registrar who told me 'you delivered vaginally first time, you can do it again'. Apart from the fact that it nearly killed me and DH was told we will prioritise saving your wife as I was in theatre. My letter had me transferred to another consultant and I had great care from then on during the second preg.

The other thing was reading my notes, someone mentioned this earlier. I read them, had a really good weep and that seemed to put it to bed for me.

Please give your DH a thump from me. What an insensitive git. I would suggest that on Friday and Sat nights from now on you sleep in the spare room and let him do the night feeds.

Your posts are humerous, articulate and witty. You have made me laugh and while you worry about not bonding with your dd, your love for her is evident. The first time she smiles at you will break your heart. It really does get better. Babies are the most tedious things on the planet (sorry ladies but they are) and even worse when they are screaming babies but when they become interactive they are so funny and cute and gorgeous that you just want to eat them up.

Take care of yourself and trust your instincts, you are doing a great job.

14 weeks without a night off and you are not breastfeeding. Are you mad?Granted, not bfing is not through choice but there is no need to punish yourself for that. Get yourself out for a few hours and leave your DH to it :)

I didn't have a colicky refluxy baby, just one who refused to nap during the day unless it was in a moving pram, so no day time sit downs for me. I could have cheerfully handed her over and gone back to work though - the first 4 months were singularly unrewarding. I felt like I could have been anyone as far as my child was concerned, my relationship with my DH gradually got tenser and tenser and there was no way to get a break as I couldn't express more than an ounce of milk in 40 mins. God it was utter bliss when I did finally get out for a (short) evening. My DH and I didn't make it out together by ourselves until she was fully weaned at 8 months :( It was a fun evening though - things had improved but it made us both feel much more human.

If you have no family around to help out, can you start to look for a reliable babysitter or do a babysitting circle with friends? We did some swaps with some NCT people which was really nice, rare but it is also nice to know that you have a 3rd person you can call on that your child will recognise if you ever have an emergency.

It really does get better and it sounds as though it already is. Cranial osteo works for some people (or neatly coincides with a natural improvement but who cares). Gently pushing the legs up to the stomach creating a fetal position and bicycling them is also quite helpful for trapped wind and cramping. I found that the sling (fastened nice and tight) worked really well to bounce out any surplus wind too :)

I think your dr is rubbish and you need to insist for more. My son (ebf for 7 months) had awful reflux, including nose vomiting which I found very distressing. It did not improve after 12 weeks, it did not improve with weaning, in fact it made it worse. We turned the corner when he was 9 months. He was on omeprazole and domperidone from about 3 months. They helped, slightly, and at least I felt like we were doing something - although they are not a magic cure and we still had a lot of episodes, but at least no nose vomiting. It is a lot of faff though, especially omeprazole, and I was forever dosing drugs (also for another condition that has now resolved). How is your baby's skin? Could she have some allergy/intolerance? If she is blotchy, or has eczema, I would get her checked by an allergy specialist.

As for yourself, I didn't have PND so can't help, but I would try to find another gp who would be more supportive and know what they are talking about. I was under the care of a great gp with my son, she asked at every appointment (every two weeks to dose his drugs) how I was coping, with a very evident concern for my mental health. It made a huge difference. Go private if you must, there are lovely private paeds - are you in London? I can PM some names.

Good luck, and please keep posting, we are here to hold your hand. :) oh and have a night out, you are still your former self you know!

Hi short tether. Just a quick check in.,I'm really surprised at your dr's suggestions. Although as far as the colic was concerned we were by old just to get on with it aswell. I think you need to sit down with DH and tell him Exacltly what would make life easier for you a this time. I.e some night feeds sharing and making up bottles. Can he let you have a lie in on a weekend? He needs to support you and it sounds like he's not pulling his weight at the moment.
I secind doing the Edinburgh post natal depression score on line. That's the least the go should have done and it will give you some idea if how you are feeling.
Chin up you are doing wonderfully! Xx

Hello,

Sorry not to have posted sooner, it's been a tricky couple of days but the four hourly feeds do seem to be working a little. DD managed better than I thought and only got more grizzly than usual fifteen mins or so before her bottle.

She is eating more per feed and not fighting the bottle as much. Also the snorting milk through her nose has stopped - phew!

I've also made an effort to get out with DD and our dog for an hour or two every day and that seems to be helping DD get some proper sleep during the day.

Thanks for the advice re the online PND test - I scored 15 which I think is borderline. Not really sure what to do ... I feel my GP will just be dismissive again. I feel like I was penalised for being able to hold things together, like I can only get help if I stop washing, changing, feeding DD or myself.

I did have a bit of an inappropriate chuckle though at adding bits to some of the answers:

Q: are you coping with things as much as you used to
A: nooooooo, I am having half as much sleep as I used to! That's banned by the Geneva convention; someone report DD to the Hague!

Q: have you considered self harm?
A: yes, I have considered temporarily deafening myself to noises above a middling pitch ... Does that count?

I do feel like DD is in a much better place than when I wrote my original post so that is definitely a positive.

Right, best try to get some sleep while DD is snoozing!

Thank you all again for listening to my ranting...

hi shorttether
it sounds like DD is improving slightly so that's great.Could this be the sign that things are going to move forward from now on?I think so.

You do sound alot more positive and you're sense of humour is definiteley still going strong! Maybe you could do the PND online test on a weekly basis to monitor how you are feeling? Is the HV listening to you at all.Your care has been poor to say the least!

Have you and DH managed to share the workload a bit more fairly? You haven't mentioned him since your post about him having a bit of a go at you for being miserable.

Sorry lots of questions.

Take care,you're doing great.
xx

Hi cappucino

DH is still being a bit of an arse tbh, but we did have a breakthrough yesterday. He came home early from work and offered to look after DD for a bit ... Three hrs later, he was exasperated and really stressed. I told him yesterday was a good day ... He was

I think it doesn't help that the GP has been so dismissive as DH thinks I am making this all into a bigger deal than it actually is but at least he got some scream exposure yesterday so he could see what it was like.

I also asked if he could do th first bottle of the day every now and again so I can have a lie in. His first reaction was pretty hostile - he has to go to work, he needs his sleep etc etc. I then pointed out that DD's first bottle is at 8 am so he could bloody well get up at 7:55 to get it ready for her; and if that was too early for him, maybe he could forego staying up late like a teenager and get to bed before midnight. Alternatively, if 8 hrs asleep isnt enough for him, he could try going to be bed at the same time as DD and then he could have more...

It's a bit of a struggle because his father did nothing in terms of childcare so I feel like i am pushing water uphill with a rake but the threat of bringing DD into him while I get her night feeds ready so he can deal with a little of the night duty seemed to scare him into some degree of compliance. I blame MIL!

I take heart from the fact that DD does seem to be getting better ... Please let it be th beginning of the end of the attack of the grizzly baby gremlins! I think my emotional resilience has just taken such a battering that I can see how someone who hadn't been through it could think I am overreacting and should just pull myself together. But the PITA is that DH is meant to be going through this with me, not judging me from the sidelines.

He helpfully told me how his sister did everything with her three kids so her DH didn't have to get up at night etc... I then had to point out that she had a night nanny and a day nanny so didn't really do "everything" at all. All I have by way of help is an enthusiastic Labrador and an uppity cat.

I now understand what people mean when they say having kids puts a strain on a relationship!

The good news is that the heat seems to have wiped DD out today so she is currently snoozing in her cot - unheard of for this time of day! Thank the lord for my angelcare monitor so I can actually go and sit in a different part of the house for a bit.

Sorry for ranting on again ...

hi shorttether

how's it going? I'm having fun here.DD has started her periods - she's only 11! It's a bit of a shock for me-it doesn't seem like 2 minutes since I was in your shoes! I'm a bit upset though cos she hasn't actually told me -i've just found the evidence in her bedroom.Ho hum.

Anyway enough about me.How are you feeling and is DD improving still? Good that DH had her for a while the other day and he can see what it's like! Hopefully he will help out a bit more? Make sure you keep going out.Did you find any baby groups?

When mine were little the advice was to wean them at 4 months but DD wouldn't eat solid food til she was 8 months old.So be prepared for that one!

Thinking of you........xx

Hi cappucino

Thanks for still checking in! Crikey what a about your DD! Although I was 11 when my periods started, that was a long time ago and it seems very young now! I am sure she will talk to you about it when she's ready - I guess it must be a bit of a shock to her too.

We are doing ok. I met some friends for a walk yesterday and it was the first time I had taken DD on the bus ... She was brilliant - awake but very calm - but a girl got on who looked like she was just getting over the chickenpox. She had scabs rather than sores so I am hoping she wasn't still contagious but I obviously convinced myself that she was contagious with Peruvian monkey pox and almost broke out in hyperventilation! I know DD will get chickenpox at some point but I would prefer it to be a little later on.

Apart from our brush with rare but highly contagious tropical diseases, the trip was fun but hard work. Everyone else's babies gurgled happily in their prams while their mothers tucked into a nice lunch; I was holding DD and bouncing around like a nutter as she screeched as soon as she was put down! I think it was good for my self confidence to go on a little expedition with her though so that was good.

The other thing she has started doing is, when I put her down for a nap during the day, rolling onto her side. I know this is verboten because of SIDS but she is so much more comfortable and has been sleeping for an hour or more at a time. I stay in the room with her because I am so paranoid but it is a relief that she is getting some proper rest during the day.

It also seems to be helping getting rid of trapped wind so she seems more comfortable when she wakes up. I just wish it wasn't against the safe sleep guidelines as I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone like that even with a monitor. It's very tough for babies that the best position to lie in when they have digestive issues is not the safest!

Thanks again for checking in - it's still tough going but I am feeling loads better than I have been recently and I can definitely sense there is light at the end of the tunnel ... Even if I can't quite see it yet!

Xxx

Well it seems like you are coping really well! I'm impressed! The more you take DD out the easier it will get as you get more confident.And I'm glad you're meeting up with other mums too - even if their babies were all content and yours was screaming.I bet they hardly noticed.

As far as the chicken pox goes my DS got it when he was 8 weeks old but only had 5 or6 spots.Because it was a mild dose he got it again when he was 3.It's very uncomfortable for them but try not to worry about it,it is manageable even at this age.

So you've discovered that dd likes to sleep on her side,hmm,what does the HV say?.It's a tricky one - i don't know the current guidelines but I know if it was me I would be doing whatever is more comfy for DD.(dons flame proof suit).If I think about it,if I had a full tummy I wouldn't be comfy sleeping on my back!

I hope you don't mind me checking in.If you're fed up of me talking just say!
xx

Hello

It's very kind of you to keep checking in! Thank you for still having us on your radar.

Re the side sleeping, it's a tricky one. My HV is beyond useless so I'm not even going to bother asking ... She was the one who told me it was normal for babies to snort milk through their nose

So I don't really know what to do. I agree about not wanting to sleep on your back after a big meal though! It does seem to make her a lot more comfortable though. I am tempted to let her do it during the day while I am in the room but I am too nervous to let her do it at night as, even though I'm in the room then, I'm too snoozy to be confident I'd wake up if she turned onto her tummy.

She slept for 2.5hrs yesterday in one stint - UNHEARD OF! And she didn't show any signs of turning onto her tummy then. She is having a particularly bad bout of tummy pain at the moment so I am really tempted to let her do whatever is most comfortable for now.

How are you doing?

Thanks again for checking in xx

hi shorttether, have had a lovely weekend in wales so not been on the laptop.

How's it going? Did your dh help out at the weekend so you got some rest? Did you manage to get out and about?

Hi cappucino

Thanks for checking in! We've been a bit up and down; turns out DD did catch chickenpox from the clearly ill girl on the bus last week (am fuming that the mother took her on public transport - especially as there were at least three pg ladies and some fairly frail old people on there with us too).

The good news is that she is dealing with it like a little trooper. She only has a few spots and is managing to eat and sleep very well so we are lucky.

Now this is the odd, but good, thing: the chickenpox seems to have chased away the colic. We have had no grunting, groaning, sleep whining or anything like that from the day she came down with it (3 days ago). I don't know whether it is because she is feeling rubbish and tired, a coincidence, or something else but something seems to be having an effect.

Wierd...!

Also, DH has been much more helpful; I think it's because there is an obvious issue rather than the rather nebulous problems of colic.

Thanks again for checking in, how are you doing?

Xx

Hi shorttether,

All good here.Kids are back to school on tuesday and I can't wait to be back in a routine.Although I have to say we've had a lovely 6 weeks off visiting family and of course the olympics.I will miss them but not that much!!

Poor DD with chicken pox but i think I mentioned before that DS had it at 8 weeks but was so mild that he got it again when he was 3.Good to get it out the way though.

Is DD still less colicky? That is a bizarre result but hey make the most of it! Are you a bit more relaxed about dd sleeping on her side/tummy?

Glad DH is being more helpful.Get some rest girl!

Will check in in a few days
xx

Hi cappucino

Well it does seem a little odd but the colick is coming and going depending on how much DD is suffering with the chickenpox. Wierd.

We've had two excellent nights with no grumping or whining at all but she has been feeling rubbish so maybe she is sleeping more deeply?

Fortunately she has now decided that she can sleep on her back after all so isn't trying to get onto her side the minute I leave the room!

Oh, best go as I have to take her out for some fresh air before she falls asleep...

Thanks for checking in on us

Xxx