Please tell me it gets better...

[ShortTether]

After three and a half yrs of TTC, numerous tests, seven rounds of clomid and two rounds of ivf, I finally fell pg with much wanted DC1 last summer. The pregnancy was awful, felt ill the whole time, constant blood pressure issues ending in pre-eclampsia and an induced birth which was handled terribly by the hospital (I was refused a c-section, then the midwives refused to believe how far along I was so I was given no pain relief despite begging for an epidural as the induction drugs had overstimulated my body. I was told I was being 'silly' and it was too early for pain relief right up until five mins before giving birth? Nobody bothered examining me and DH practically had to catch DD as she came out as the MWs were too busy doing paperwork).

Then DD was ill and had to stay in special care for a week where the nurses fed her formula from a bottle so by the end of the week, she simply refused to breastfeed. I am now tied to a routine of washing, sterilising and making Up bottles which I never wanted to do and feel excruciatingly guilty about.

I have a crushing feeling of failure - I couldn't get pg naturally, my body couldn't deal with being pg or giving birth and I can't breastfeed.

The only thing that kept me going throughout all the pg and birth nightmares was the thought of finally getting DD home.

But then she developed colic. So for the last ten weeks, I haven't really had a baby, just an angry, writhing, shouty little monster who maybe has half an hour of interacting a day before the screaming takes over. And even when she's asleep she's grunting and groaning and whining like she hates everything, even sleeping.

The upshot is I am getting no sleep and all I get during the day is either crying or whiny grizzling. Even when DH gets home and looks after her I can still hear her being so angry and loud.

I know this is awful but I find myself wondering why I bothered. I went through so much and I am now stuck in my house on my own because I don't want any of my friends to see DD as I can't stand her at the moment so why would I inflict her on other people. I can't take her out because she cries even more. She cries if I hold her, if I don't hold her, in the bath, out of the bath, when she's dressed, or undressed, if her nappy is dirty, clean or being changed ... You get the picture.

Apart from feeding her, I really don't think she even notices me.

My GP and HV have said there's nothing they can do, my family and my in-laws aren't in a position to help, I feel trapped like I'm being held under house arrest by satan's own torturer.

Please please please tell me it gets better!

PS although I am having the worst time of my entire life, I would like to reassure everyone that DD is being fed, washed, clothed, taken to vaccinations etc...

No tips, but to cheer you up my middle one had terrible colic and reflux. My elder child (at 3) said to me 'why is our baby always crying'.

At 3 he is now a funny gorgeous quirky little guy.

It does get better and it will very soon. I would try to get out though, the crying never seems so bad when strolling in the park. Your friends love you, tell them its hard and let them offer you useless but well meaning tips :) It beats being on your own too much.

You are doing great, this won't seem so massive once it has passed.

mean't to say.....i'm in west yorkshire so if you're nearby i'll happy come round and look after the screamer to give you a break!

Other than the method of conception it could have been me writing that post. Im currently on sertraline for pnd and am very lucky to have supportive in laws, an amazing health visitor and great gp.

It very much sounds to me you have pnd and I would be speaking to another gp within your surgery or another healthcare professional. I thought I was goIng crazy, I would cry all day every day. I couldn't breast feed as ds2 had no suck reflex when he was born so we had to syringe feed him for a week and then he just wouldn't latch onto the boob but would take a bottle so I had two choices ff or starve him. I did express two feeds a day but that only lasted 2 weeks as it was too hard to set the time aside to do it with a mad 4 yo ds1 to entertain.

Pnd is very common, especially with women who have struggled to conceive (my dm works for mind and gave me a lot of information when I was diagnosed). I can't believe your case is being dismissed so readily and feel really cross on your behalf.

I was diagnosed at 3 weeks post partum and ds2 is now 12 weeks and on 100mg sertraline I feel normal. Its a wonderful feeling and I cannot recommend seeking treatment any more. I really hope this passes soon and if you need to talk it through or need to offload feel free to pm me :)

Mr Pants thanks for the tip re the bottles, I will investigate. I am glad everything is now ok with your LO and Mrs Pants.

Calamity and Badger I am checking out cranial osteosarcoma nr us...!

Lopsided I think I would feel so much better if I knew when it would pass but I guess that is not something anyone knows. Glad your little chap grew out of it though

Cappucino that is so kind of you! Unfortunately I am in London so that might be quite a big trip for you but thank you so much for the offer

Hugandroll I am glad you are feeling better, I think I will make an appt with another GP, I was a bit at the lack of constructive advice last time. I know what you mean about expressing, I was told I should be expressing 8 times a day. I worked out that this meant every three hours I had to: wash and sterilise the pump and bottle, pump, feed, burp, change and settle DD and put all the equipment into soak. This left me thirty mins every three hours for things like eating, drinking, sleeping etc. It just wasn't feasible although that didn't stop the MWs laying a massive guilt trip on me when I decided I'd had enough

I do have an amusing update: the builders next door started up a huge drill an hour ago, I was about to tear my hair out when I realised that DD had fallen silent. Clearly, in the face of something louder than herself, she felt she had to yield the stage...

Where in London? You don't have to give the exact location but I'm north, I'd come for a walk in the park at lunchtime if you fancy it.

My ears are desensitized after ds1

It gets better.

You are doing a brilliant job.

This means nothing to you now, but that bundle of screaming hard work is going to turn into a wonderful child and you will have the rest of your life to reap the rewards and enjoy your life with her.

Keep going xx

Shorttether - just seen your post about the drilling noise.

Have you tried white noise to soothe her? The sound of the hairdryer was the only thing that would calm down my DD1 or get her to sleep.

Try the hairdryer or I think you can get white noise apps if you have a smartphone.

We had a similar experience in many respects. Firstly, it does get better!

Secondly, what worked for me:

• osteopath for DD
• psychotherapy for me to work through birth trauma
• DH being v involved
• thinking sod dieting
• getting out of the house everyday

You'll get through this!

You were asking when it gets better - I think as a rule colic starts to calm down significantly after three months. I really empathise, I was in completely your position and posted on here asking why nobody told me that it would be so bloody hard. Do give the osteopathy a go. Another thing that I tried was cutting down on dairy and also drinking fennel tea - good for their bellies. On, and when it all gets on top, hand the baby to your husband and take yourself for a long bath with a glass of wine and some earplugs in so you get a break from the screaming.

Chin up. And remember, when you're feeling guilty for forgetting that this is a much longer for baby and just want them to shut the fuck UP - love is a verb. By cuddling her and feeding her and washing here, you ARE loving her.

Poor you! I know it's hard, I had a very similar baby and it was completely insane.
It does get better, I swear.
In the meantime, this is what helped me cope.
Go outside. I know she's always crying and you're exhausted, but the fresh air will do you good. I don't know where you are, but can you find somewhere not crowded to go have a walk with the buggy? I used to go to National Trust park to walk for 1 or 2 hours in the morning. Sometimes DS slept a bit amongst the crying. I also took my ipod and had some audiobooks. Don't worry about other people, they don't really care anyway.
Don't stop seeing your friends or family. And pass DD to anyone who volunteer to carry her for a bit. Your baby's crying doesn't sound as awful to them as it does to you. Don't feel bad if she stops crying for them, it happens and it's normal, just enjoy the quiet without analysing it to death.
When it gets too much, put her in a safe place and take 5 or 10 minutes to yourself (have a glass of wine, read an interesting article, whatever), as far away from the awful awful screaming as you can. There is no shame in reaching your limits, you will come back calmer and ready to face what is coming.
My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. DS is now 2, still hard work, but lovely and very loving.

Thank you all so much for your kind posts. I'm afraid I can't reply to them all as DD has just gone to sleep and I am going to try to go to bed myself for however long she'll let me! I think today has been particularly hard because the heat has made her even more miserable and scuppered her appetite.

I was worried about reflux or something like that (thanks for the post about silent reflux, she does have many of the symptoms) but she just wolfed a huge amount of food, let me cuddle her without crying too much until it had gone down and then fell asleep.

I will def push my GP on investigating reflux though as that could well be a possibility.

Thank you all so much, it's been great being able to have a moan (sorry!) and such sympathetic company.

Will keep you posted...

Xxx

Short tether, I chuckled whilst reading your post because you sound just like me when ds was born -- I was completely bewildered by the whole thing, my peace and quiet suddenly shattered by this screaming, writhing little bundle! FWIW you seem to be coping great - when my DS was 9 days old, he screamed from 11pm until 6am. Non. Stop. I thought I was going insane. I thought HE must be seriously ill. Cue a wild eyed me with baby sick all over her top walking into A&E at 6.30am, begging for help because my baby was ill! Of course he wasnt ill, it was just our old friend colic - but I have been there. Things which helped: Cow&Gate Comfort Milk (I had to give up bf at 8 days due to my milk supply not being enough for ds) this helped his tummy so much, he was a different baby. They do nasty green poos with it, so dont worry about that. Also, gently pressing ds legs into his body seemed to provide him with some relief. Do you have parents/friends nearby? If so get them to take baby for a few hours, just so you can sleep. Everything seems better when you get sleep. And it DOES get better. I promise you that. As I type, my 21mo ds is sleeping soundly. And when I put him down, he gave me a big sloppy kiss and said "'uv you, Mummy'.. your heart melts. The best is yet to come and you will one day look back on these days with a smile :)

How's it going OP?

Hello,

Well, a bit of a mixed bag. Really awful night with screams, genuinely pained whimpers and pretty much no sleep.

Then th builders started up again next door and DD fell quiet again. I ended up opening our windows to get the full force of the noise ... Builders now think I am nuts.

I have also switched to aptamil comfort milk from normal aptamil so I am crossing my fingers that helps.

Am gearing up for another onslaught of screeching as soon as DH finishes feeding and burping her.

I did manage to get some time outside though as the builders' noise covered the shouting so I had a cup of tea in the garden for the first time since DD was born! So I feel slightly less vampiric now...

I tried to make an appt with the GP but they have nothing for two and a half weeks

Try colief. My daughter screamed non stop. All day and most of the evening. My hubby had to make me a packed lunch and put it next to me in the morning because I couldnt put her down for thirty seconds to make something to eat. I used to walk up and down the living room crying whilst she screamed feeling like a complete failure. (I had v similar issues to you - body didnt labour well, didnt produce breastmilk). Colief helped a lot. Please inbox me if you want to talk colic, I am an expert! It was so horrendous in the first few weeks that I actually asked my mum to take her until I learned to cope better! Colief helped a lot xx

So your DD is definitely a white noise addict then. That's a useful discovery!

It's a shame you've got to wait so long to see a GP. Can you go to your baby clinic or drop-in practice nurse's clinic? If you weep uncontrollably all over the nurse / health visitor, they might speed things up a bit!

Do you ever co-sleep incidentally? It might help with the really bad nights.

You sound pretty positive though you know, so well done!

I just read that you have already tried colief - did you keep her on it? it needs a week to flush the lactose out of her system. I remember sobbing to the HV that it wasnt working but a week later there was real improvement. My dd is now a delightful 1 year old so it does get better x

You do sound more positive today Op. MAke that appointment even if it is in 2 weeks.AT least you know it's there and you can always cancel it if you're seen sooner.I got my HV to sort out an emergency appt when she realised how much I was struggling.Hope tonight goes a bit better for you.I remember when my Ds had colic it did improve after 4 months so you're nearly there.

Thank you again for all your posts, I will respond properly tomorrow, just wanted to post a quick update: we have a sleeping baby! Properly sleeping, no whining, moaning, sleep-screaming or straining.

I don't know whether it is the new formula, the fact that I put a pillow under DD's mattress to prop her up a little, or the fact that I used the hair dryer to coax her into snoozing before we hit an overtired meltdown but it's amazing.

I am going to crawl into bed myself now for some shut eye before it all starts again a few hrs ... Will be back tomorrow morning.

Night night and thank you all so much again for posting, I can't tell you what a life line it is to know I'm not alone!

Xx

I hope you have a good nights sleep.

Have you tried the keeping dd upright, well with a pillow propping her up during the day?

Haven't read the whole post but some quick thoughts:
have you tried swaddling?
and the builders noise seems to help, I know you've tried white noise, but the louder the better ime

both ideas from Harvey Karp's thoughts in (i think it's called) 'babybliss'. it was my lifesaver, easy and quick to read. basically 5 's', swaddling, shushing, swinging, sucking (Dummy if necessary) and one other (sorry can't remember).

Well done! Hope you're enjoying your sleep at this very minute. You've had lots of good advice on here so I'll keep this to a brief 'IT DOES GET BETTER!' 3 days after my DD came home from hospital I invited people around for dinner (??!!) and ended up sobbing into my falafel. All the women with babies did look on with sympathy and one asked 'you didn't really expect any joy at this stage did you?'. Well I hadnt expected joy but certainly not PURE torture. Hourly breastfeeding. Tummy massages for wind half-hourly. 5am street walking on oxford street. Sobbing on strangers in macdonalds (only place to get coffee at 6am) telling them NEVER to have kids. Hating my friends with kids for not warning me (most had forgotten the pain they said). My DD is 11months (14 months corrected as she came 3 months early but that's a completely different drama) and was I used to see as my little oblivious vampiric wind bag is now a joy through and through. Jokes. Giggles. Knows who I am!!!! The pain is worth. Just try to COPE not enjoy for the moment. That comes later.

Totally feel your pain. I didn't have a collicky baby but I hated the newborn stage. Got very little joy out of it. Cried in the corner with exhaustion and frustration. It DOES get easier but it was slow for me. My DS is now coming up 21 months and slowly it's getting easier and I am enjoying motherhood. But it's slow. I just "get through" the days sometimes and I know in 6 months it will be easier still and another 6 months after that, easier still. People used to say to me it doesn't get easier, it just gets different but each stage is as hard. I used to want to hit them. They used to say that having 6 or 7 year olds who would be off playing in the garden while they relaxed and had coffee. They would be able to go out for a night and leave the babysitter to put the kids to bed. It's not as hard as having a crying, sleepless newborn.

Once they start to communicate and have a sense of being then it's gets easier. It's still very very tiring - life with a toddler is tiring but it's more enjoyable and, in my view, much easier to manage. So hang in there and just keep trying to cope. You are not alone. A lot of women feel like you - they just don't talk about it. As clasbyqueen said - just cope for now. The joy comes later. I 100% agree with that.

One other thing.
If you have a big gym ball or a birth ball, it could be useful. DS sometimes calmed down when I was bouncing on it with him in my arms. And you can do it while listening to some music or watching a bit of TV, which is nice.
Also, if she likes noise, there's always the hoover! Very handy.