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Please tell me it gets better...

126 replies

ShortTether · 25/07/2012 15:40

After three and a half yrs of TTC, numerous tests, seven rounds of clomid and two rounds of ivf, I finally fell pg with much wanted DC1 last summer. The pregnancy was awful, felt ill the whole time, constant blood pressure issues ending in pre-eclampsia and an induced birth which was handled terribly by the hospital (I was refused a c-section, then the midwives refused to believe how far along I was so I was given no pain relief despite begging for an epidural as the induction drugs had overstimulated my body. I was told I was being 'silly' and it was too early for pain relief right up until five mins before giving birth? Nobody bothered examining me and DH practically had to catch DD as she came out as the MWs were too busy doing paperwork).

Then DD was ill and had to stay in special care for a week where the nurses fed her formula from a bottle so by the end of the week, she simply refused to breastfeed. I am now tied to a routine of washing, sterilising and making Up bottles which I never wanted to do and feel excruciatingly guilty about.

I have a crushing feeling of failure - I couldn't get pg naturally, my body couldn't deal with being pg or giving birth and I can't breastfeed.

The only thing that kept me going throughout all the pg and birth nightmares was the thought of finally getting DD home.

But then she developed colic. So for the last ten weeks, I haven't really had a baby, just an angry, writhing, shouty little monster who maybe has half an hour of interacting a day before the screaming takes over. And even when she's asleep she's grunting and groaning and whining like she hates everything, even sleeping.

The upshot is I am getting no sleep and all I get during the day is either crying or whiny grizzling. Even when DH gets home and looks after her I can still hear her being so angry and loud.

I know this is awful but I find myself wondering why I bothered. I went through so much and I am now stuck in my house on my own because I don't want any of my friends to see DD as I can't stand her at the moment so why would I inflict her on other people. I can't take her out because she cries even more. She cries if I hold her, if I don't hold her, in the bath, out of the bath, when she's dressed, or undressed, if her nappy is dirty, clean or being changed ... You get the picture.

Apart from feeding her, I really don't think she even notices me.

My GP and HV have said there's nothing they can do, my family and my in-laws aren't in a position to help, I feel trapped like I'm being held under house arrest by satan's own torturer.

Please please please tell me it gets better!

Sad

PS although I am having the worst time of my entire life, I would like to reassure everyone that DD is being fed, washed, clothed, taken to vaccinations etc...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Limelight · 25/07/2012 15:49

Bump until someone sensible comes along to help.

It sounds to me as if you've been through the most enormous trauma (from TTC onwards) and so it's absolutely no wonder you're feeling like this. you are absolutely not a failure.

Your GP/HV should be doing more to help YOU incidentally. Your DC will be fine. The colic will pass (I speak from experience). But you're tired, disappointed, and in shock, and you need support.

The only thing I can offer advice on the colic. The only thing that helped with DS was to put him in a sling and carry him pretty constantly. A wrap sling where he was cosy and secure etc worked best. And tonnes of infacol! And singing.

Good luck. Seriously, it does get better.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 25/07/2012 15:51

I doubt think anyone would doubt you are loving and caring for your baby.

Life with a colicky baby is hell on earth. My ds1 had reflux and literally cried for 7 months. He is 13 now and amazing.

You need help, you need support, you need sleep.
All these things are achievable.
You also need to get out of the house.

You are stuck inside tired with a colicky baby. You must feel as if you are going insane. Put the baby in the buggy and go for a walk. Go to your sure start centre, you might just find other parents in the same situation.
Tell DH to take dd out for a couple of hours so you can sleep.

It will get better.

FWIW The only thing that helped ds1 was not being laid flat. So propped up on pillows, in a bouncy chair etc. he was in a lot of pain laid flat no one ever told me that

As for the bottle part, that's not your fault. It really isn't and although it's upsetting you can have the close bonding time whilst you are bottle feeding.

cappucinogirl4 · 25/07/2012 15:52

Hi,just wanted to let you know that things get better.I.promise! My DD is 11 now but my god the first 8 months of her life were hell.She was so wanted but when she arrived she just cried and screamed.There was nothing I could do to calm her down.I remember taking her to baby massage and everybodies babies were cooing and giggling and my DD jusy screamed the place down.I broke down at that point and it was then that I started getting more support from my HV and made friends with other new mums who were very supportive.They tell me now that they felt sorry for me and were shocked at the amount of screamimg DD could do!
So although i haven't got any practical advice to give you (have you tried colief drops to put in her formula for colicky babies?) I am here to hold your hand.I do understand,it was hell for me but I promise things will soon get easier and you will start to enjoy her.My DD is now a gorgeous 11 year old and more than I could ever hoped for,but I do remember those first few months and shudder. And also after all that I chose to have another one! He was quite the opposite - very chilled and easy.
Big hugs x

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iliketea · 25/07/2012 15:59

It absolutely gets better. I hated the baby phase, also a very much wanted baby after 2 y of ttc. The guilt I felt was awful (not helped by everyone asking 'are you loving motherhood?)

But into the toddler phase, despite the ridiculous tantrums, it's much much better. For a start when dd cries, she can tell me what the matter is, and if it's a tantrum I can ignore her Smile.

Hang in there. Despite a baby being wanted / planned, it's a massive change to your life and it takes time to adjust. I sometimes think I've not adjusted completely yet nearly 3 years later. Smile

WillSingForCake · 25/07/2012 16:00

I know exactly how much feel, not much help but it does get easier, just hang on in there. My DD is now 10 months old and is so easy to look after, but she was a colicky baby too and cried and cried in those early days. I had some awful thoughts regarding wishing I'd never had her Sad but now looking back I realise I was just tired and depressed (had PND).

kate2boysandabump · 25/07/2012 16:02

Didn't want to leave you with no reply.

This will get better, your baby's colic will resolve itself, but right now you need support. Talk to your GP or HV about how YOU feel, not just about your baby. You sound completely exhausted and in need of a good sleep too.

Try keeping your baby as upright as possible. DS1 has reflux and would scream all day, to the point where I would sit on the bottom step in front of the front door and wait for DH to come home, while DS1 screamed some more. Try propping the cot and sitting propped up by pillows or a bouncy chair. The only way I could get anything done was to put DS in a sling and carry him round with me.

This will get better, honestly.

WillSingForCake · 25/07/2012 16:06

I'm sorry you don't have family support, but we're here, so keep posting and chatting. It will pass, soon I promise. You'll look back and shudder, but it will all be worth it once things get easier.

Cappuccinogirl my breakdown happened in a baby massage class too! Roomful of calm relaxed babies, and my little screamer disturbing the peace. Then I picked her up to try & calm her, and she vomited down my back. Was the last straw!

ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:10

Thank you for your replies, I'm sitting hear sobbing like an insane person but it's good to know it will get better!

I have tried talking to the GP about how I'm feeling but she just said 'every new mum gets baby blues, you'll be fine.' Maybe I need to be more insistent.

DD has just woken up and reminded me of another thing that drives me mad (although it is also quite sweet): I've put little stickers up on her cot - flowers, animals, shapes etc - and they ALWAYS get a cheery hello smile and gurgle! It's just sleep deprived mum who's the one who feeds, changes, picks her up etc etc who gets shouted at!

Can anyone tell me how to fast forward six months...?

X

OP posts:
ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:12

The baby massage stories made me laugh - I tried it at home and my god, the screaming! There's no way on earth I am going to brave a class with other people in it!

OP posts:
kate2boysandabump · 25/07/2012 16:16

Not every mum gets the baby blues at 10 weeks, I felt like hell at 10 weeks with ds1 and great with ds2. If you think you are depressed be more insistent.

I'm certain the stickers aren't the only things your dd smiles at.

You aren't an insane person for crying when you feel bad. M neighbour waited in her kitchen window for my dh to come home to ask if I was OK, as she could hear me crying through the walls Blush I wasn't insane, just overwhelmed, like you are.

cappucinogirl4 · 25/07/2012 16:19

I did get PND in the end so do go back to your GP if you're really struggling.Try and get out and about as much as possible.Is there a mum and baby group you could go to? Your HV should have details of what's about. I found that just getting out of the house once a day,even if just to pop to the local shop for a pint of milk made me feel much better. Hand the baby over to DH as soon as he gets in from work and go have a bath or a cup of tea in peace.Take each day as it comes and before you know it you'll be through this.Hang in there!

Limelight · 25/07/2012 16:20

Strangely enough I had a baby massage incident too. Similar thing - screaming DS / flustered me / hideously pitying looks from everyone else in the room. Needless to say I walked out and sobbed on the bus all the way home.

Clearly baby massage is bad for the mental health of new mums! Now there's a MN Campaign if ever I heard one! Grin

AllBellyandBoobs · 25/07/2012 16:22

You have my every sympathy with crying, angry baby issue. My dd was the same, the first three weeks I remember as being utterly hellish. She wouldn't sleep, she just cried and fed. God it was tough. She's now 16mo and still has a little temper on her, still won't sleep easily and can shout louder than it seems possible...but she's also funny, loving, cheeky and the best thing in my life. It does get easier, albeit slowly. Don't be afraid to ask for help in the meantime

Limelight · 25/07/2012 16:22

And also do get out and about. Bugger what everyone else thinks. Probably the only one who cares is you.

My top tip when DS was at his worst was to take him for a walk in the pram and put my headphones in... Blush

DawnOfTheDee · 25/07/2012 16:25

Can you ask to see a different GP? Yours doesn't sound very understanding or helpful.

Hang in there....it does get better x

Sparklingbrook · 25/07/2012 16:35

It absolutely does get better, but it is very difficult to see taht when you are in the middle of it all. DS1 cried a lot. We had one of these but the 1999 version they ave got v posh since. I just used to place him in it, set it to swing, and he would finally stop crying.

Hang in there, DS1 is 13 now and it is only when threads like this come up I think about it and remember how relentless and unrewarding it was for a time.

ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:36

Yes I could ask to see another GP, I might do that ...

I love the idea of taking th buggy out with headphones ... That might work very well. I am also thinking I might swap DH evening dog walking duty for last-and-frankly-worst bottle of the day ... He can sit with the gremlin while I have a nice walk in the fresh air with our lovely and non-shouty dog.

We have tried slings, infacol, colief, raising the cot, singing, white noise, a hammock, baby gyms, the washing machine, dark rooms, light rooms, loud music, soft music, no music, toys, no toys, books, baths, walks, the garden, feeding a little and often, feeding on demand, feeding on a schedule, changing formula...

OP posts:
ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:37

Sparkling, we have a bouncy, vibrating chair but not a swingy one ... Might be worth a try...

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 25/07/2012 16:39

Also Ds used to like to lie in the pram and watch the washing blowing on the line.

Our 1999 swingy chair had 3 speeds. the 3rd one was like a pirate boat. Grin That's a bit too swingy.

CalamityJones · 25/07/2012 16:44

My daughter was a colicky nightmare too. Might you consider cranial osteopathy? It was a miracle cure for us, after the first session she slept for five hours (relief!) and got steadily better after that. Some people find it a bit wooo but I think sometimes the knowledge that you're trying something - anything! - is a help in itself.

ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:45

Maybe a good bit of centrifugal force might help oust the colicky gas? DH has a cement mixer ... Maybe I could modify it for baby spinning purposes?*

Grin

*not really...

OP posts:
ShortTether · 25/07/2012 16:47

Calamity, I had been thinking about cranial osteo but I wasn't sure if it actually worked ... Might be worth a try though.

How many sessions did you have? Did you go to one trained in child treatments?

OP posts:
CalamityJones · 25/07/2012 16:49

We went to three sessions, that was it. And the first one was a free assessment. My midwife recommended mine and I was pretty dubious, but she was lovely and it worked for us. It cost about £35 per session, I think.

YeahThatsTheBadger · 25/07/2012 16:58

Give the cranial homeopathy a go. A friend suggested it and I was dubious but DD slept through the night after her first session. I was unsure whether to mention it to the health visitor but she was all for it- said there should be a cranial sociopath in every labour ward! Hope things improve for you soon.

MrJudgeyPants · 25/07/2012 17:04

ShortTether You have my full sympathy. My wife and I found ourselves in a similar position and had our DD (now 18 M/O) via IVF after a long battle too. The birth was calamitous for us as DD turned up 9 weeks early (although Mrs Pants was allowed a C-section and we have no complaints about the hospital).

We now have a lovely little girl who is a joy to behold. She is fit and healthy and (mostly) happy. If Mrs Pants and I could afford to, we'd be going for another round of IVF. Every second of arseache was worth it a million times over.

I was wondering if the colic could be due to the bottles you are using. Little girl had colic when she was young and we were advised to try the Dr. Brown's bottles. Within 24 hours the colic stopped and we haven't looked back. Quite simply, to us they were worth their weight in gold.

They are a PITA to clean compared to regular bottles, and I've heard plenty say that they've gone out and bought them and they've made no difference to the colic, however, they might work for you as well as they worked for us.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you get on.