I have four books and would appreciate those that have read them advising me as to the one that is going to help me the most please

[JustFabulous]

I have 3 kids 7-11 years old.

I am really struggling. Really struggling more than ever before and more than I want to admit as I usually get a real kicking when I do ask for help on here but I am really desperate and can't do this any more

I was brought up in care. I had more placements than I can count but well into double figures. I never lived with my dad or saw him more than 1-2 times nor did I live with my mother past babyhood.

I lost all my instincts when I started

sorry, waffling now, i am sure you know my history.

the books are

siblings without rivalry
unconditional parenting by alfie kohn
how to talk...
cbt for dummies

Please can we save the criticism and flaming for another time as well as the ones about how I don't listen to advice. I thought I could manage on my own before as well as the thought of having to interact with strangers filled me with fear. I know now if I don't sort this I will have to leave.

I think how to talk is very good. Also the 7 habits of highly effective families - this might be useful for you if you didn't grow up with a positive template that you can refer to.

Thank you. Is 7 habits... the title of the book?

I would put 'how to talk' first. I found an actual parenting course useful-a chance to talk to others. Whatever you read, especially if Alfie Kohn, bear in mind that it is only one way and you can just take bits that are suited to you and leave the rest.

I have read the intro to How to Talk.. and have pen and paper more making notes as I read the rest. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Yes, it's by stephen covey and it's called "the 7 habits of highly effective families". I think one of the habits is religious practice (he's a Mormon), but I just ignored that bit!

Okay, thanks. I will have a look on Amazon.

All of these are worth reading, and make slightly different but not necessarily conflicting points.
Sounds you are having a hard time; I do know that 3 kids can be quite difficult to cope with. Our dynamics have changed hugely now DS1 off at Uni - we have a lot fewer arguments!
Main things that helped me : special time alone with each child ( though this can be difficult to organise)
Decide what's important to you (not the same for everyone,) and stick to it.
Finding activities we could all do together ( we tried tennis, bowling, card games) so that they begin to work together and have fun as a family unit.

First point - Direct connection with how kids feel and how they behave.

So when DS1 yells at me rudely and tells me he isn't my slave (I asked him to sweep the floor) and then then later that he has had enough of me (after I had said similar to him) that is because he is really unhappy and I am fucking his life up?

I found how to talk. .. and siblings without rivalry very good in terms of understanding things better from my DCs' viewpoints. Especially as I am an only child, so the whole sibling thing is a complete mystery to me. And they have funny cartoons and "scripts" that I can memorise without having to understand a load of stuff.

Alfie Kohn I found too philosophical and not very realistic when you are actually faced with real life family situations.

(And also an occasional dose of "Outnumbered" ... or some Calvin and Hobbes cartoons ... just to keep reminding you that real family life is never like the books.)

This might turn into a talk-me-through-the-book-and-hold-my-hand-thread .

How to talk... and Siblings Without Rivalry are both excellent books, they are by the same author. Unconditional Parenting is very good but more of a philosophy so it's a bit short on practical tips.

As well as books, is it possible to get some real life support- counselling maybe or a support group? Someone that can look after the DCs so you can have a break? Sorry, I don't know your situation but I hope you can get some support because you sound so stressed :(

"So when DS1 yells at me rudely and tells me he isn't my slave (I asked him to sweep the floor) and then then later that he has had enough of me (after I had said similar to him) that is because he is really unhappy and I am fucking his life up?"

No, it's not because you are fucking his life up. It's because he's a normal child that thinks he's the centre of the universe and dislikes being told what to do. Or at least, that seems pretty normal in this house.

What I need is a mum or someone to show me how to be one.

I am projecting on to my kids and I don't know how to stop. For example, if I saw no they can't have certain food at certain times I worry they will starve. This stems from me not being fed as a child. Or I tell them I have had enough of their behaviour, I worry they think I don't want them at all.

Thank you ACCK. He had tears when he yelled that me. In my world that equals a desperately unhappy child. I am guessing in normal persons land it means something else?

It is quite possible he will come down soon and say sorry or ask for a cuddle. 99% of the time I will cuddle him, last night I just couldn't . DH has told him saying sorry doesn't make it al right. But should it?

Aw fab - you've just summed up what you need - someone to show you how to be a mum. I know that homestart only works generally with families where there is a pre-schooler in the home, but perhaps if you give them a call they'll know of another organisation who can offer you some support.

Does your kids' school offer parenting courses? that might be a useful starting point?

Don't do this on your own - you'll get overwhelmed and won't know how to start.

Can you and your dh work through parenting together and he could mentor you to be a 'better' mum?

I don't think saying sorry makes it alright - he has to show some understanding of why he needs to say sorry - otherwise it's meaningless to everyone.

I asked Homestart to come. They had been before but it didn't work out with the lady who was coming. The second time they said they couldn't give me what I needed.

Hng on. ds1 asking for cudle

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time JustFab.
I haven't read any of those books you mention, so not much help there. I would definitely recommend a parenting course though - my local authority ran 2, one for new mums and another for those with over 5yr olds. It was just so reassuring to hear other mums admit to the same worries and difficulties, and to chat together without fear of being judged.
Perhaps if you call your doctors surgery to speak to a Health Visitor?
Good luck.

The kids are at an independent school and they have already shown they are not interested in what goes on at home.

I could ask DH to show me how to be a better mum but I know he sometimes doesn't know what to do with them when they refuse point blank to do as we ask.

There is no HV at our GP surgery any more. I asked the nurse for help and she said I had to take back control. I have very fiesty kids though.

My kids used to get to a point where they said they hated me.
I just said that didn't stop me loving them.
My mum reminded me to tell them them that i love them, at random times, not just when they brought it up.
When i visited a friend and she heard my children behave that way and me dismiss it as normal she was SO relieved to know it happened to other people as she'd been really stressing out about it.

That is it though. I don't know what is normal and I think all the things they are doing is because I am making mistakes and can't separate my memories of my childhood from the fact they are not me and not having my life.

So far the book is all about listening to your children. I wonder if there is a book to teach them to listen to mum and dad . I am making notes and will do this. I am willing to stay up all night to get things down on paper that I need to improve.

So, DS1 came and had a cuddle, brought scissors and then thanked me for cutting his nails. He then came back down later with DD shouting for me to come and see the 2 rainbows in the garden like the previous upset had never happened.

.

Would it help you to know that we all have (a lot of) times when we don't know how to handle a situation with our kids? We all make mistakes. I've also heard it said that children will say nasty things like that to their parents precisely because they know that their parents will love them no matter what. they can test out saying things and see what reaction they get. A kid who was unsure whether you loved him wouldn't do that.

In terms of the books - agree that UP is a bit niche, how to talk more mainstream, so probably a better starting point.

IME it's normal for kids to have a phase of saying they hate you for you asking them to do simple chores. Best not to overreact to this, I feel that children are capable of saying things without really getting the emotional implications us adults would apply to them. I think how to talk would have you calmly say "yes, I appreciate you don't want to stop watching tv to pick up your coat/take cup to kitchen" BUT (explain why have to do it anyway)

I agree with the poster who suggested looking into a parenting course, it is more intimate and a safer environment than here - on these courses everyone is in same boat, and there is a culture of what is said in the room stays in the room - the council may know of somewhere in your area that puts on positive parenting/webster stratton courses.

Aha - the goldfish memory of children does have it's advantages!
As far as I can see, parenting is a struggle regardless of your background. You love your children, so they are already in a much better situation than it sounds like you were. Don't leave - they need you.

I hope you find the answers you need, and some support in RL. I wonder if your GP would be any help?