I have four books and would appreciate those that have read them advising me as to the one that is going to help me the most please

[JustFabulous]

I have 3 kids 7-11 years old.

I am really struggling. Really struggling more than ever before and more than I want to admit as I usually get a real kicking when I do ask for help on here but I am really desperate and can't do this any more

I was brought up in care. I had more placements than I can count but well into double figures. I never lived with my dad or saw him more than 1-2 times nor did I live with my mother past babyhood.

I lost all my instincts when I started

sorry, waffling now, i am sure you know my history.

the books are

siblings without rivalry
unconditional parenting by alfie kohn
how to talk...
cbt for dummies

Please can we save the criticism and flaming for another time as well as the ones about how I don't listen to advice. I thought I could manage on my own before as well as the thought of having to interact with strangers filled me with fear. I know now if I don't sort this I will have to leave.

"Mine always say "thank you for my dinner, please may I get down?" When they were small I decided that was what they should do and they have done it for years. I feel a bit like a twat when they do it as I wonder if it is a bit Victorian."

Please keep doing it. I only know one family that gets their children to say that ... I was at their house for tea recently and it was SO impressive when their tall, lanky 16 year old son politely thanked his mother for the meal. and I so wished that mine were a bit more polite

DD and DS1 have both tested me in the 50 minutes they have been with me since finishing school. But I have stayed calm, I have doled out the necessary punishment to DD and reminded DS1 of the consequences of this mornings behaviour - plus he has done the jobs I wanted him to do. And I have ignored the self pity he has just come out with as I know he is just feeling fed up about no telly and not really the reason for his pity party.

Go me!

Well done justfab!
There are days when I dislike my children's behaviour intensely BUT I still love them and I know they love me.
Someone else pointed out maybe you don't love yourself and you need to work on that and realise you are worthy of their love, it isn't conditional

Thank you .

I am a shouter. I never used to be. I haven't shouted this afternoon and am hoping I don't. I am one of these people who would tell the kids off in public in the hope that someone would step in and help and maybe show me what I need to do. I think that is part of me wanting the children to show me what I need to do, so I am not putting pressure on them, it is all about me needing help.

Does that make sense?

Hi JustFab How did the rest of the evening until bed time go? You started off really well - I shouted at mine to tonight. Your thread has inspired me to stop the rot with my children and use the principles of how to talk.

I think. Understand what you mean but I think you know you need help to sort yourself out. There are some courses ou can do online if ou don't want to try counseling again?

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I find sometimes that 'acting' or practising the way that I would like to be with the children really helps. The more I act it, the easier it gets! A lot easier said than done some days though!

I did okay last night. Shame I messed up this morning and smacked DS1. He was being totally obnoxious. Wouldn't sort the piano out so DD could do her practice even though he was the one who had made it so it had no sound, then he sorted it and desorted it. He yelled at me in the car, was cheeky and answered me back several times. I didn't speak to him as we drove to school and then walked into the grounds. He waved and ran off cheekily then waited for me and started talking to me normally .

How to Talk & siblings with Rivalry go together, reading both won't confuse or overwhelm you.

Unconditional Parenting is a kind of Zealot's charter, a marmite book. UP does my head in and it has no real practical advice. Put it away for ever now.

Sorry, dunno CBT4D, read it & review for us :).

Thank you.

I am not entirely sure why I bought CBT4D though I am fairly sure it wasn't child rearing related.

Doing okay this afternoon. No one has mentioned this morning so I will just carry on as we are.

Just did something recommended in the book and it worked!!

Come on, spill the beans. What did you do?

It sounds so poncey but the book suggests it and it worked.

DS1 came in shouting that DS2 had wrecked what he had made again. DS2 denies doing this yesterday but pretty much admitted doing it to get back at DS1 saying he had done it yesterday.

I looked at DS1 and said something about that must have made him very upset and he said it made him angry and then walked off and talked normally to dh.

That's brilliant! Baby steps but at least it's shown you that the situation can be diffused. How did bed time go?

You have mentioned twice on your posts about smacking. I don't want to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs but if you are going to improve your family interaction I really would urge you to stop. Does Dh smack the children also? You need to have strategies for yoursel if you feel like you are going to smack ie walk out of the room, count to 100 etc

DS1 was sent to bed at 7 because of behaviour and DH has had to go up and tell him if there is any more noise bed will be half 6 tomorrow so hopefully he will get it soon that bed time means bed time and if he doesn't want to go at 7, behave himself!

I rarely smack and it certainly isn't something I want to do. It was done when nothing else had worked and he had pushed and pushed and pushed. I was beaten as a kid, I certainly don't need telling that smacking is the wrong thing to do.

Sorry for mentioning it, you have posted asking for advice and you have mentioned both days smacking your children. If you know it's the wrong thong to do and you are working on how to improve the behaviour Of the children then happy days!
Sounds like Dh is working with you on this too by reinforcing messages.

I didn't mean to offend

You didn't offend. It is hard to hear stuff that is all as I know it is wrong. I may have smacked him twice in 2 days but it has been months and months since I last did so I am not going to let this get to me.

Hi justfab been thinking about you and wondered how you got on today. Hope you had a better day

Yesterday was okay. Not great but managable.

This morning DS1 has rudely saluted me when asked to bring his clothes to wash, made his sister cry twice, answered me back and ignored me when I asked him to do something.

And he has just said he hates me and we are the meanest parents in world. All because I won't pay him for emptying the dishwasher because of his attitude to me. They know that that happens so not an unfair consequence.

thanks to this thread, I am now reading Siblings Without Rivalry, and also Get Out Of My Life (about teens)
Get out of my life explains that children in a previous generation were much too scared to answer back, and that the price of greater communication has been that children are now much freer in their responses [eg: rude and disrepectful in our eyes]
It also takes you through the natural testing of boundaries, and the baby state that children revert to at home during adolescence where they are entirely selfish, irrational etc, and how boys will absent themselves rather than "fight".
Again, it sounds normal to me for a boy of 11 to veer between saying he hates me, and chatting to me happily. Ds1 can go through all the moods of a rainbow in one afternoon. We make him do chores, but we don't get ourselves embroiled in expecting him to be polite simultaneously! We expect him to be polite at other times, when there are no chores involved. But at least your ds did unload the dw, that is really good that he did it. I think you should pay him because that is changing the goal posts or boundaries. On another occasion you could say that it has to be done politely or it doesn't count, that could be a new boundary if you want to make it.

Please don't take it personally, please don't!

Also we learnt that paying for chores didn't work! We just expected a small amount of chores to be done [very small] and we are going to build on that. The latest habit Dh is trying to instill is making their beds. So far
they lay the table
take rubbish out when we ask
plates in dw
put clothes in drawers when we ask
carry shopping in
help do occasional cooking when invited

and dh has got the two boys to mow the lawn (hand mower) they are 12 and 10, but that was because he was a) firm b) made it sound like fun and they were helping him etc..

another thing Dh has tackled is to be very firm about Ds1 getting his stuff in his bag himself, and not checking it for him, so not nagging and fussing but getting him to take responsibility, NOW and not in two mins (which is what ds will always say, I'll do it in a minute) Just sticking to his guns and always making ds do something when he says so, cuts out a lot of arguing and nagging.

I just feel so frustrated this morning I am not even sure I can be bothered to post.

I hate mornings too. DS woke me up before 7 and we were still late

Nothing brings me to tears as often as ds1's behaviour. He has been so awful this morning and when I asked him why he did it he said nothing. I have really really had enough of him.

If you're interested in parenting courses you could ask at your local children's centre. Your council website should have a list of children's centres in your area. I know the one near me is advertising a parenting course at the moment. It might give you some ideas of techniques to try and give you confidence that a lot of what you are doing already is good.