I have four books and would appreciate those that have read them advising me as to the one that is going to help me the most please

[JustFabulous]

I have 3 kids 7-11 years old.

I am really struggling. Really struggling more than ever before and more than I want to admit as I usually get a real kicking when I do ask for help on here but I am really desperate and can't do this any more

I was brought up in care. I had more placements than I can count but well into double figures. I never lived with my dad or saw him more than 1-2 times nor did I live with my mother past babyhood.

I lost all my instincts when I started

sorry, waffling now, i am sure you know my history.

the books are

siblings without rivalry
unconditional parenting by alfie kohn
how to talk...
cbt for dummies

Please can we save the criticism and flaming for another time as well as the ones about how I don't listen to advice. I thought I could manage on my own before as well as the thought of having to interact with strangers filled me with fear. I know now if I don't sort this I will have to leave.

I'd say how to talk to kids.

I am currently reading Calmer, easier, happier parenting by Noel Janis Norton and getting great results.

familylives.org.uk

Off the topic of books but another source of support... Agree that thinking about what you are doing is the most important thing, none of us are perfect.

I have most of my file so I know what I went through.

You explaining about logic and emotion really really helps, thank you. Next time I won't stress so much when I say no to food. It is hard when DD doens't eat tea and then wants supper. I don't want her to starve but also I don't want her thinking she can leave her tea and just have toast later.

they can't help you, they don't have the emotional maturity to do that.

but everying you describe - the backchat, the sibling rivalry, the gps moaning about table manners and you being hacked off by it - it all sounds utterly normal, I think the key is you building up your own confidence in dealing with it.

Just fab, not stupid at all. You are asking for advice and reassurance , there are hundreds of threads a day on MN asking the same thing although different subjects,

Have y had counselling? This may help in yor parenting decisions

I have had counselling but have never found one that understands what I am saying.

I am going to try really hard to be a better mum and will carry on reading How to Talk...tomorrow.

Thank you all so so much.

A lot of parenting is deciding between alternatives. So is it better your DD isn't hungry/eats or that she learns to eat what you give her? I have struggled a lot with this. Sometimes I give her what I know she will eat, sometimes I allow toast later, sometimes I just make her be hungry, sometimes I "save her tea" for later.
Basically if you don't let them eat rubbish, and don't stress eating at mealtimes so that it becomes a battle of wills, and offer them something healthish, then that can be the best you can do.

I would really look for a local parenting group, so you can compare war stories, and see your kids aren't that bad. Your DH doesn't have all the answers either, no parent does.

Hey, that's all that any of us can do - just try!

Like I said one step at a time. Decide with DH what you are going to tackle first.

Night and try and sleep well.

JustFab - to echo what others have said about your kids sounding normally difficult! Our local authority has something called Parentline, it is advertised through state schools locally. I think the schools put in something to fund it but just had a quick look our our county council website and it seems its a national charity.

DD is such a fussy eater and will refuse things she has eaten before.

I am very fussy about what they eat and they have lots of fruit and veg though also homemade cakes and biscuits too. It is just frustrating when she refuses things she has eaten before. We used to have a rule if they don't eat their dinner they only got fruit for pudding and not a piece of cake or whatever the treat was. I don't even know if that is okay.

So far this morning ds2 has hit dd with his toy and ds1 has been a bit bossy but I am staying calm and dh dealt with ds2. And the cat peed all over the floor and has gone for dh and I.

DS1 being really annoying this morning. Winding up his sister and saying no to me when I asked him to do something. Staying calm. Hate that the mornings are always the same and then he goes to school and I am left upset for the rest of the day again. Still winding her up. I am listening to DS2 read so a bit stuck.

"Hate that the mornings are always the same and then he goes to school and I am left upset for the rest of the day again."

I'm totally with you on that feeling. I feel fairly secure in my parenting, but the mornings frequently leave me pumped with adrenalin to an extent that I start my working day filled with resentment . They just don't "get" the routine of getting ready and start messing about/bickering/fighting as soon as my back is turned. Which it has to be, so that I can do all the stuff I need to do.

Going for a brisk walk as soon as the kids are at school sometimes helps. But I don't always have time.

PS I'm hiding on the computer just now because DD1 is rollerskating up and down the hall and I can't face the aggro if I come out and "notice".

I am really ashamed to admit I gave him a smack across his arm as he carried on and then laughed at me when I told him to leave the room, kicking the door when I shut it. Didn't give me any more grief after that though he was mean to his brother when we got to school. DS2 lost a tooth last night and DS1 was saying he looked like an animal. I told him to stop being mean and he did .

I have to clean up everyone elses mess in the kitchen but other than that I am planning on devoting as much time as I need to reading the book. I will sort this as it is upsetting me so much.

ACCK I understand the hiding. I hope your day gets better.

Yours too!

How to Talk is a brilliant book. It took a while to sink in though. The point is that if you try and listen to them...and show through words that you are listening, they will listen to you. It isn't quick fix though, or a rule book.
Btw the way your children are behaving sounds completely normal! I've had the "I'm not your slave" routine lots of times. I think, it probably stems from me having said that to the children at some point, or giving the impression that I was stressed whilst doing housework...that they are reflecting back on me.

I find the best solution to that whole thing is keep the descriptive praise in full flow whenever you ask them to do things, even if it sounds silly at first. I think boundary setting follows on from a show of empathy and appreciation. You start with the appreciation, and then you set boundaries. After all that is what babies learn isn't it? I think the problem is that as adults we have often learnt to accept boundaries (the hard way)without feeling appreciated, so we assume that children will just learn by being "told" they have to behave. Possibly they would learn, but with all sorts of fallout along the way, and low self esteem that backfires in adult life.

It helps so much that you are all saying what my children are doing is normal. My difficulty is that as I am me, I don't know what is normal.

My children are good at school. The boys have been in trouble a couple of times but the youngest hasn't been told off for 7 months now and DS1 is just being silly and will soon learn he has to pack it in when he starts at his new school in September.

Oh Fab, I have seen some of your threads before.

I just wanted to tell you, that all those other mums, the ones that seem to know what they are doing - they are not sure if they are doing it right, either.

None of us are. We are all just muddling along, making our best guesses.

The HV said he was secure because he knows he can lash out at you, shout at you, disobey you even, but you will still love him. Because you love him no matter what

I thought I grew up in a normal household, but the older I get the more I realise I didn't. I was never cuddled. Never told I love you, never praised, only why didn't you do better with X. I recall asking my mum about it once, she said I didn't seem to need it, I was always so 'self sufficient'

I wasn't self sufficient, I just didn't get the loving relationship. She killed herself when I was a teenager and I still don't know who I grieved for, really. I am in my late mid thirties now and I have lots of days where I hope I am not fucking them up, I really do.

You sound like a very caring mum. You don't need to make the right decision 100% of the time, the odd mistake is allowed and human.

Og and I like How to Talk. Some of it feel very artificial and but some of the de-escalating rows stuff in it really does work for us.

MMWA - I am so sorry you lost your mum. That must have been horrific.

I think I resent that they don't appreciate what they have, but why would they? They don't know any different.

I am going to try really hard today and into the future.

I said something horrible about DD yesterday, she heard, burst into tears and I have cuddled her and apologised many times and told her mummy was wrong, she is not what I said and mummy was very wrong to say them. I (wrongly) asked her if she woudl forgive me and she said yes and seems fine now. I feel so crap though and will do for a long time. She will never forget what I said .

No, they often don't appreciate it. But how awful would their lives be if they appreciated that you fed and clothed and loved them? If they genuinely thought there was an alternative to you looking after them well? Isn't it good they can take you for granted?

I agree though, we do an awful lot for our children, and they don't appreciate or even notice 98% of it. I have times where I think - Christ almighty, I have just spent all afternoon doing and now you are moaning/sobbing that you can't have an icecream 5 minutes before your tea? Giving them boundaries is good and necessary, not mean. Even if they feel it's mean.

I remember resenting having to say 'thankyou' when I was given a meal, I remember thinking - but why should I thank you? It's your job to feed me? Ungrateful little scrote that I was Kind of true though.

Sorry I am rambling a bit In summary - I wish I could make you feel a bit more confident in your parenting, the important bits are all there, honestly.

And some of the time, even if you don't know what you are doing, you just have to fake it. Make a decision and stand by it. And don't keep apologising, you made a mistake, apologised, draw a line under it.

My children have said lots of things when they are cheesed off - I don't like you anymore, I only like Daddy/brother /the dog. I wish I had a different Mummy. I wish I had X's mummy. Usually because I have committed some dreadful sin like, not giving them seconds/thirds of chocolate, not taking them to softplay instead of school.

Most of it is just words to them, I laugh it off and say 'Oh that's a shame because I love you even when you are moaning!' but part of you thinks ouch!

Mine always say "thank you for my dinner, please may I get down?" When they were small I decided that was what they should do and they have done it for years. I feel a bit like a twat when they do it as I wonder if it is a bit Victorian.

I think it sounds like you are a great mum, and the problem is not with your parenting skills, but in the way you think of yourself. Self esteem maybe? Any chance of you getting help with that?

Just read this thread, you are doing a grat job justfab, we are all just muddling along, I have never read any parenting books, just making it up as I go along really

Your children's behaviour sounds very normal to me, tho mine are a but younger. For instance, this morning my DD decided she wasn't going to get ready for nursery, I shouted a bit, then just kind of manhandled her into some clothes. She told me she didn't like me anymore, then 10 minutes later she was skipping of to nursery like nothing at happened.

I remember getting bollocked by my Mum when I was younger,and feeling it was all so unfair... but I never doubted for a second that she loved me more than anything. I'm sure your kids are the same.