I have four books and would appreciate those that have read them advising me as to the one that is going to help me the most please

[JustFabulous]

I have 3 kids 7-11 years old.

I am really struggling. Really struggling more than ever before and more than I want to admit as I usually get a real kicking when I do ask for help on here but I am really desperate and can't do this any more

I was brought up in care. I had more placements than I can count but well into double figures. I never lived with my dad or saw him more than 1-2 times nor did I live with my mother past babyhood.

I lost all my instincts when I started

sorry, waffling now, i am sure you know my history.

the books are

siblings without rivalry
unconditional parenting by alfie kohn
how to talk...
cbt for dummies

Please can we save the criticism and flaming for another time as well as the ones about how I don't listen to advice. I thought I could manage on my own before as well as the thought of having to interact with strangers filled me with fear. I know now if I don't sort this I will have to leave.

Once the HV was here when DS1 was misbehaving. She said "You have one very secure boy there." and it quite confused me.

You saying that JM, agrees with the HV but I am thinking now that if they are doing it because they feel secure why do they need to keep doing it over again, for reassurance? I have told them I can't take much more and I suspect that is not the right thing to say.

I really liked how to talk and siblings without rivalry. I find I use them for a while and then start to forget and we stumble along as best we can again. But it is nice to know there's a base there to go back to.

DS(8) told us he hated us and we were the worst parents in the world this weekend. Blew up out of nowhere. As he stormed up stairs, DH and I just raised our eyebrows at each other and smiled.

It's the end of the school year, sometimes they're grumpy. It certainly didn't occur to us that it might be true.

I went up after he'd calmed down. I wasn't cross - i asked him how he would feel if I said something like that to him. He was sheepish and then it was over, just like your DS. He came downstairs and we got on with the day.

MY DH just said when he heard me shout at DS1 he imagined it would have been like my mother would have been with me should I have stayed with her. I asked him if he wanted me to go. He said no. I said I need him to remove me from the situation and he said he would. I told him I need him to show me how to be a mum.

Hi justfab - sorry you are finding things tricky.
I struggle with not having good role models too.
My suggestion is to try calling sure start - they have behaviour support workers - if you could get rl support from.one I think it might help.
I haven't read any of those books though - I gave currently got "yes please thanks" from the library -it's good but it sounds to me like you need ongoing real life support more than books.

{{{hug}}}

Is sure start different to home start?

I am finding the exercises in the book hard. I feel like I am doing an exam and are finding it almost impossible.

I realised yesterday I am not a natural mother. Was a brilliant nanny though .

How To Talk is very practical.

UP is hard to read as a parent. It's more of a critique of accepted parenting wisdom, than any kind of how-to guide. It raises several excellent thinking points, but I have no idea why it's marketed as a parenting guide, it would be better off as a general psychology/sociology theory book IMO. However, it might be good if you come from a very conditional background/family as it can help you to notice your flashpoints.

I think you have to accept that sometimes they will get upset with you, and as for listening, modelling by listening to them is actually a really good start (not saying you don't do this already, though!) - perhaps that's why it's first in the books, though? Also it's worth having a think about what you actually want. I don't mind DS not doing exactly as I ask him straight away, if he will enter into a discussion about it. This is frustrating as hell at times, but I'm hoping overall that it will mean he can reason and get his point across when appropriate, so it's a positive thing.

Oh, the exercises are a pain though, I never bothered with them, just used the examples as ideas for how to deal with situations.

"I don't mind DS not doing exactly as I ask him straight away, if he will enter into a discussion about it."

This rang bells. I think I expect them to do what I ask immediately but having thought about it, if they acknowledged that they have heard me and will do X, I would be a lot happier and less stressed. When they were smaller I suspect I did everything they wanted the second they wanted it...

DD came down. I actually said to her - What are you saying to me? And in a very calm voice. She responded. Is that right?

Usually I would be frustrated and annoyed that she wasn't in bed and had come down again and again. I would also have run out of sympathy as often she has something hurting when she should be asleep.

just a couple of points, Justfab:

1. you recognise that you are finding things hard and are looking for help. THAT is what a good mum would do.
2. you cuddle your children when they need it. THAT is what a good mum would do.
3. Your HV has identified that your DS is a secure child. THAT is because you're a good mum.

Think you threaten to leave because YOU need to check THEIR love for you???? (I have done the same thing. not proud of it. but also had a poor mother figure and think that deep down I need reasuurance as well.)
Give yourself a hug, Justfab. you are doing a good job. :)

I feel they wouldn't care if I was here or not to be honest except for then they realise they don't have any clean clothes for school.

Thank you for your kind words candc.

How to talk is good and my advice is to pick one and stick with it. One of my (many) mistakes as to read every parenting book in sight and get myself into knots about it. Your children's behaviour sounds pretty normal to me, the issue is how YOU react to it.

Who is a natural mother? Certainly not me and from the rest of Mn not many of us! Hence all the questions and reassurance needed.

Do you and DH agree strategies with the children? That is really important that you have consistency and work together on how to deal with them

Good luck and keep,posting

I do know that my reactions are causing problems. My excuses - as they are really, aren't they - are that I am tired and over whelmed by the responsibilty and relentlessness of parenting and just can't get a minutes break to work out how to cope and sometimes I resent how much time the kids take up and that I can't ever seem to get 5 minutes with DH. I know that is a horrible thing to say and I am not even sure I dare press post.

DH doesn't know what to do either and we haven't always agreed. He thinks I am too soft.

but try and see the seeming ingratitude as a good sign, to an extent, that they are so secure in having the basics provided (both physically and emotionally) that they can take them for granted.

You say about wanting more time just with DH - now that is absolutely fine. Are bedtimes an issue? Or do you need to find babysitters for evenings out? Would your MIL help at all?

Can your DP help you identify the problem with your shouting? Are you too loud, too intimidating, are you making threats (esp unreasonable ones), are you blaming or insulting (e.g. calling a child lazy or keeping going on about YOU've done this, etc), are you making them responsible for your anger?

I'm just throwing out ideas on here - not meaning to make you feel bad for any of this, it's just if your template or pattern for angry/punitive shouting is warped it can easily come out without you even realising there's anything wrong there. Sometimes we can put funny blocks on things too, like thinking it's fine as long as I don't get physical, when actually a physical pick-up-and-move or even a push backwards would be better than the shouting that continues out of frustration.

OP you sound like me. I was in care too and I'm terrified I'll get it wrong with DS.

When I was in care I used to push and push my foster carers - say horrible things etc - because I wanted to test the boundaries. It's only now looking at it that I realise that. My best career was the one who was consistent, we had rules and we had to follow them. She was also very caring. So I knew where I was with her. Do the same for your kids and you'll be fine.

Try not to tear yourself up too much and think that everything is going wrong. Just because you had a poor mother figure, doesn't mean you'll be a rubbish one yourself.

I'm off to bed now, but will nosy later as interested to see how the thread goes.

I want them to take me for granted in that they know I will always be here for them - my mother chose everyone over me - but I would like a teeny tiny bit of appreciation.

Bedtimes are a total issue. DH has been sending DS1 to bed at 7 because of his behaviour but he and dd keep coming downstairs - unnecessarily most of the time - and they also disturb my youngest who really needs his sleep.

We have no one to babysit and my FIL won't drive in the dark so no chance of going out for dinner. They used to take the children for a few hours but is isn't worth it when all I get is "Grandad called me stupid," "they have no table manner," " they don't know how to behave" etc etc.

I do blame my kids . I blame them for me being a shite mother. I blame them for not helping me be a better mum. I blame them for me being ill, fat and knackered. But omg I could not be without them, I love them more than anything else and would die in a heartbeat for them.

I want them to show me how to be a mum. I want them to help me .

Ok one thing at a time. Are you getting any break at all or do you HE?

You and DH need to agree on bedtime routine and both stick to it. Your kids won't hate you for being strict but they do need boundaries. They will
Push against these boundaries but won't hate you for enforcing them in the long run! That's the job of a parent.
If you give lots of cuddles and positive reinforcement you won't go far wrong.

It is not our children's job to show us how to parent, we have to find this out for ourselves, right or wrong.

I was forced into being a parent aged 7 which caused me untold problems into later life.

Please don't do this to your children

For example, if I saw no they can't have certain food at certain times I worry they will starve. This stems from me not being fed as a child

I am making mistakes and can't separate my memories of my childhood from the fact they are not me and not having my life.

Have you had counselling to talk about your childhood (ask gp)? You can request your records from Social Services to make more sense of what happened to you and why - be warned it could be upsetting.

In reality you know that people do not starve to death in say 1.5 hours until dinner is ready. So if you refuse the food they ask for you know they are not going to keel over, logically. But emotionally you don't want them to suffer because you haven't made peace with the suffering you went through at their age?

They are at school but I am so crap at managing the house that I spend most of the time houseworking/cooking and the rest on here. I would be better of exercising than MNing some of the time.

I am not looking for my children to parent me, just to tell me what I need to do and what I am doing wrong with them. Stupid, I know.