'SAHMS' that have full time childcare or help - a fantastic liberation or downright lazy?

[Enid]

There are lots of mothers down here in Dorset who are (or whose husbands are) well off enough to afford NOT to work. I know a few and they all have full time aupairs or nannies. One of them has TWO nannies - one for each of her children.

It seems to be a matter of pride that you always take the nanny/au pair on holiday to help with your children. Also that the nanny/au pair takes the children to clubs and activities.

OK - I think it is outrageously lazy (and so does dh). What do you think?

Crossed posts GS.

I know what you are saying but you used a couple of phrases in your posts which were exactly what she would have said - that is what made me link you to her! Nothing more sinister than that really!

But you are right - you are not her and as I said earlier - I am aware I was making points to you, that really were about things I should have said to her IYKWIM!

god this is ALL about our mothers isn't it?
oh LORD
Philip LArkin had it right
(I am including myself there btw)

But is saying someone who must do everything for a child is a martyr any worse than saying someone who has a nanny and doesn't WOTH is lazy?

Can't see the difference myself really!

is the difference that one of them is posting?

Lets call it quits then soapbox. I too am recovering from a shite mother, and if I'm honest it does make me a bit hypervigilant sometimes - I am especially prickly about anyone criticising my parenting.... it would have made sense to have stayed off this thread really!!

Well maybe - but plenty people posted saying they didn't WOTH but had a nanny and people didn;t stop saying they were lazy!

I adore my mother, who by the way was an SAHM and did everything for me with no help! She wasn't completely happy with being a SAHM, but didn't rub it in our faces. Does that redress the balance? Larkin wasn't all right.

Oh good, my kids aren't doomed to hate me and feel smothered then!!

I think if you read Enid#s original post it does look like these particular mums could be classed as slightly lazy? My worry would be that the children become lazy. They have seen their mums having such an easy life, would they not expect to be in the same position themselves?

I think we are all sensitive to criticism about our parenting. We all to things slightly differently and that doesn't necessarily make them right or wrong. We are incredibly fortunate to have so much choice in what we do.
I don't honestly think that there has been that much bile expressed in this thread really, given that it started with a damning judgement about a parent being outrageously lazy!

GS - quits - agreed!

Poppadum - I think the huge difference is that she didn;t rub it in your faces! Clever lady your mum

If I ever catch myself berating my children for being "ungrateful" or telling them that i have "wasted the best years of my life on them" (a la my mother) I hereby undertake to go out and get a job the same day!!!

So to sum up:

Kids don't give a tinkers toss what Mummy does, as long as she's happy

...and as long as they are not unhappy

.....and they get a share of the cream cakes.

here here!

Exactly - as I said - measure the outputs not the inputs!

Happy children+ happy parents+ cream cakes+chocolate =success!

Not revive a thread that has seemingly been so happily resolved but I'd like to have a cheer for being lazy !!! . I love being lazy and have no qualms about being call so.

hey ho now off to have a lie down

this thread seems to have run its course, but I would just like to reiterate what IVB said. When I was pregnant I really thought I was going to be the most patient, caring and wonderful mother ever . (note - I was also convinced I was having 1 girl and NOT twin boys). Unfortunately it turned out that although I love my children more than life itself, I also found caring for them by all by myself incredibly exhausting, boring, irritating and depressing. I wish I could have been a contented mum like greensleeves or other SAHMs with no help but it just didn't happen. In an ideal world maybe every child would have a full-time happy, creative, stimulating mum to look after him or her, but unfortunately this doesn't always happen .

Now my boys are 3 and I get the chance to do it myself. The first 3 weeks have gone well, but if I get really fed up and depressed again I will get some help. I don't think this will happen but who knows?????

canadian mum - i agree with you wholeheartedly. I have a bit of childcare and don't work. it keeps me sane, keeps me married and keeps me from many other awful things I think... I would love a bit more childcare - but think I have a reasonable balance. I find two kids close together have totally exhausted me and I didn't realise how hard it would be. In the end, everyone does what they can and what they need to - I have friends who don't work with full time nannies, and friends with no help at all - it isn't just financially related either (though obviously a factor). I think judging people on their choices of childcare/ balance/ is unfortunate, since all kids and mothers are different.

canadianmum, hope it continues to go really well for you with your boys. One thing I really wanted to say to you at this stage is never think that others (full time mums I mean) are necessarily happy, creative and stimulating mums! Sometimes I'm sure they are not and if you're like me sometimes just getting to your child's bedtime is the aim for the day - survival! Everyone has times like this along with the good times, so don't judge yourself too harshly and then just give up. I still think most very young children would rather have mum at home with them, even if she's finding things a bit of a grind and a tad boring if she's honest - now is the time to put your feelings and needs on the back burner, the infinite security they get from having you around is worth the sacrifice I think.

This lasts so little time too, before you know it they will be schoolchildren and you'll never get these days back! Very best of luck, hope you enjoy it and even if you don't, I still think the presence of a bored but benevolent mum is enough!

Most? Some? Maybe. Mine certainly doesn't. He is certainly happier at nursery playing with other kids, exciting toys and getting attention from other adults less boring than mummy than he is on the two weekdays he's with me. However, this thread has turned into a SAHM versus WOHM again hasn't it!

Canadianmum and Mousie - you sound as if you are on the same wavelength as me. Have to admit, I was very judgemental about bringing up children until I had some myself - how different reality is. I hope I cope as well as you seem to be doing, Canadianmum when our Nanny goes next Thursday. My 2 year old will be going to a nursery soon for a couple mornings a week, while my 3 year old will be at Playgroup 4 mornings a week, so am hoping that this will keep us sane and will be much cheaper than a Nanny.

IVB, my boys do 2.5 hours each morning at nursery school and love it. I also love the time to myself . Will be interesting to see how I cope when they get 4 weeks (yikes!) off at Easter. Half term was fine but 4 weeks (!), I just hope the weather is better!!

sparklemagic, thanks for your post, I definitely plan to enjoy the next 19 or so months before they go off to big school. I definitely also see making it to bedtime with a smile on my face as a major achievement . DH doesn't quite get it but ironically seems to think that if he looks after them for a few hours AND turns the dishwasher on then he is SUPER DAD... lol