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Parenting

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Original poster

'SAHMS' that have full time childcare or help - a fantastic liberation or downright lazy?

906 replies

Enid · 21/02/2006 09:51

There are lots of mothers down here in Dorset who are (or whose husbands are) well off enough to afford NOT to work. I know a few and they all have full time aupairs or nannies. One of them has TWO nannies - one for each of her children.

It seems to be a matter of pride that you always take the nanny/au pair on holiday to help with your children. Also that the nanny/au pair takes the children to clubs and activities.

OK - I think it is outrageously lazy (and so does dh). What do you think?

OP posts:

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getbakainyourjimjams · 23/02/2006 15:42

I turn into aqn evil mad witch the days I am alone with all 3 (there's nothing like knowing that I'm trapped in all day to make me go crazy), which is why I decided to get help. Knowing that I can go out and buy a pint of milk if I need to raises the spirits.

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 15:46

No.. "factually incorrect" means proven to be untrue, not unprovable.

My 3yo has told me that I wash his clothes and make his lunch because I love him and want things to be nice for him. And that he likes to help me because he loves me back. That's good enough for me.

As I have said ad nauseam, other people of course make different choices for their own children, and I am NOT suggesting that those choices are wrong, for their children. However I do believe very strongly that my children benefit directy, and in a way that I can see as clearly as one can ever see the results of upbringing in children, from my being at home and taking care of them.

I don't think there's much more for me to say really. I'm surprised that my view has attracted so much bile - it's not a very radical or unusual one, and I haven't made insulting remarks about other people's parenting decisions. Bizarre.

soapbox · 23/02/2006 15:57

Well I am a simple soul, and I would interpret factually incorrect as meaning the facts are incorrect.

If there are no facts, they cannot be incorrect.

Still if you are happy with your lot - fine. I just hope that your children don't suffocate under the weight of 'everything that mummy has done for me' pressure!

My mother was a SAHM who really would have been suited to other things. We were never allowed to forget for one second what a martyr she was. Really pissed me off as a child and it still pisses me off big time now!

Still no reason for me to take it out on you - your kids are not me and may well react very differently - I hope so

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Enif · 23/02/2006 16:00

am also surprised at the bile gsleeves has attracted!

come on everyone she hsant criticised and has remained calm under quite harsh provocation!

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 16:00

Quite, soapbox - if there are no facts, they cannot be incorrect. So no "factually incorrect" judgement. Just differing opinions.

I don't think my children are suffocating because I stay at home and take care of them. What a preposterous suggestion.

And no, there is no need for you to take it out on me.

WideWebWitch · 23/02/2006 16:02

I don't think your view has attracted bile greensleeves, no-one's been horrible have they? And no-one's said you're not entitled to your pov, not at all. And I certainly didn't say you weren't entitled to debate or disagree.

Can I have the prize for the longest period of sitting on my arse on mumsnet this week?

soapbox · 23/02/2006 16:03

bile - where?????

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 16:04

Yes, I think one or two people really have been quite horrible. But I'll get over it

iota · 23/02/2006 16:04

I must be a close second WWW

isn't it about time you got a job ?

WideWebWitch · 23/02/2006 16:06

Iota, I was aware you were close behind me but you actually went to the shop yesterday, I didn't get off the sofa until the school run

Greensleeves, sorry if you think I was rude, I certainly didn't mean to be.

IVB · 23/02/2006 16:07

Hear hear GBIYJJ! If there are mothers out there who love caring for their children constantly, without any help, then that's fantastic and I wish I could be like that (it would certainly be cheaper and less stressful). Personally, getting some time out for myself is the best thing for both me, my husband and our boys. Hope I don't turn into a permanent evil mad witch after the nanny leaves for good next week ...

harpsichordcarrier · 23/02/2006 16:07

well I think suggesting that greensleeves children might "suffocate under the pressure" was a bit strong
and uncalled for
but grace under pressure eh greensleeves?

IVB · 23/02/2006 16:07

harpsichordcarrier · 23/02/2006 16:08

hmm there should have been an apostrophe there, I reckon.
where though? where???

soapbox · 23/02/2006 16:10

Harpsi - it was linked to the rest of my post which was about how I had felt as a child - it wasn;t just a comment on greensleeves!

I have posted before on this topic - and it does bring back strong unpleasant feelings for me!

I did say, that her children were not me though, and that I should not take my experiences out on her!

So let's not take the statement out of context just to score points!

soapbox · 23/02/2006 16:11

greensleeves' I think! KS where are you?

harpsichordcarrier · 23/02/2006 16:12

well I am not trying to score points soapbox, I am just saying that statement - in context - did absolutely sound like a judgement -
it was directed at gs and her children specifically
if the same post had been directed at me and my children I might have felt a little put upon, that's all.

cod · 23/02/2006 16:12

Message withdrawn

harpsichordcarrier · 23/02/2006 16:13

yes I think you're right
greensleeves'

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 16:14

The "evil mad witch" reference to my mother was an aside which referred only to her. It had nothing to do with this debate. I think that's clear if you read the post in question properly. And IVB, I don't think we disagree fundamentally. You have made decisions about what is best for your family based on your circumstances, your knowledge of your own personality/preferences and the children you have. I have done the same, with a different result, because we are a different family. I do think the remark about my children potentially being suffocated was a little hasty, soapbox. You don't know me. I don't see why I should be expected to carry the can for your mother. It's insulting to suggest that all full-time SAHMs who are happy with what they do are martyrs, or aiming for a medal, or trying to compete. In fact, it's just rubbish.

poppadum · 23/02/2006 16:14

Oh come on, this polarisation is ridiculous. I found it silly that all SAHMS with nannies are dubbed as lazy bad mums, but I find this premise that the children of moms who want to do everything for them are "suffocated" even sillier. Greensleeves sounds perfectly sane and not in the least martyrish.

I have to say I have never encountered any "Dorset" mums who lunch and swan around. I do know many SAHMS with a lot of help, most expats like me with no family or close friends, but most of them dip in and out of childcare the way I do. They use their extra time to take their kids to extra classes, or to teach them their own language, or quite often to host endless streams of relatives and friends. I haven't so far seen anyone use childcare 24/7 to shop or lunch.

soapbox · 23/02/2006 16:16

Well of course it is a judgement, but more based on my experience that her children's!

Perhaps I should have split it into the next para and it would have been more clearly linked with the statements about my own childhood.

The point is, that we do not know how our actions will be perceived by our children. I am sure that my mother must have thought that we would be eternally grateful for all she had given up. Instead we all wished that she had done what she wanted with her life and hadn;t used us as an excuse for not doing so!

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 16:19

Perhaps the difference between someone like me and your mother, soapbox, is that I AM doing what I want to do with this part of my life. I love looking after my children, for the most part, and when I find it a grind or a bore I plough on until it gets better. Most other jobs have their crap sides and their dull days, too. If your mother resented and disliked her role as a SAHM, that's a different debate. You can't just conclude that all full-time SAHMs are joyless vengeful martyrs who are smothering their children, surely? My mother was (and is) an @rsehole but I don't let it colour my view of all mothers!

soapbox · 23/02/2006 16:20

Greensleeves, you may think it is rubbish - but it is my opinion of how some people on this thread are coming across!

Surely I am entitled to say how I see things?

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 16:21

Of course, as long as it isn't overtly offensive or insulting to another poster. Which some of your remarks come quite close to being, I'm afraid.

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