Am I the only parent who won't allow an xbox, DS or playstation in the house?

[MINIBondGirl]

Am I being unrealistic in this issue as I only know a very few parents who feel the same? Having seen other children playing on them (sometimes looking like zombies and getting headaches) I am really put off. I know some parents restrict usage and don't allow unsuitable games but a lot don't.

As my boys are 4 & 7 I would rather they played outside, used their imaginations and concentrated on school for now.

Realistic or not?

worldgonrcrazy you do know that being a teenager and remembering that is NOT the same as PARENTING a teenager!, you have exeprienced BEING a teen that is very different from experience OF teenagers and being the parent of one. Hell i am just entering the parenting of a teen stage with my eldest and it is sooo different from parenting a younger child, but i hope the way i parented him as a younger child will help him come through the teenage years and out the other end as a reasonable person! tbf he is really good, i suspect he is going to give us an easy ride through the teen years and it is my ds2 who will test us! but i think that by laying donw boundaries with my children but also by talking with them, listening to them and letting them be their own people i am hopefully laying the groudings so they can make good choices themselves, esp when teenagers. i dont want to police them and manage everything they do i want them to be their own people.

i think iamsherlocked post is great and as exotic says she realises her children are individual people, not a an accesory to be controlled and managed.

if you read back over our posts none of us are saying let them do what they want the whole time, far from it, we talk about laying down boundaries and ground rules but ultimately teaching them to be able to do that themselves!

There is an awful lot of judgementalism (if that's a word!) going on here. Clearly different parenting styles suit different families. And each parent knows their own children best. Each to their own. We will all look back in a few years and judge our decisions along the way, some favourably, some less so, but as long as we know that we did what we thought was best at that time, then that's the best we can do.

I have teenagers aged DD 14 and DS 16 and agree with everything Iamsherlocked has said and exotics fruits
We have a wii and a ps2 and dcs had ds. I never really controlled their usage and some days they would play for ages and other days not at all.
DS sometimes talked about getting a ps3 or xbox but never really pushed it and now is not interested at all. He will occasionally play guitar hero on the wii but given half a chance would prefer to be in the big outdoors having a picnic and river jumping with his mates. He is also a qualified lifeguard and earns enough money to pay for an xbox or ps3 himself if he wanted.
Both DCs do love their technology, their ipods, phones and laptops but it doesn't get in the way of having a life. Infact in someways it brings out creativity they never knew they had. DS is not that good at drawing or painting but can produce some wonderful design work on the pc.

Thank you for the support, exoticfruits and 5madthings and also for the flowers from others

I agree absolutely with what 5madthings says - she speaks great sense. And I think exoticfruits has summed up what I was trying to say very succinctly.

worldgonecrazy - you speak about reassessing when your DC is a young adult but the point is some of the posters on this thread were implying that they expect to be able to control/micromanage what their DC do as teenagers as well and that is really what I was responding to. I apologise if you took what I said especially personally.

And yes, maybe all parents are trying to help their DC grow up able to respond to the world in a healthy way. But what I was trying to say is that growing up in a restricted, very controlled environment didn't help me to be able to do that well as an adult (thank you for reiterating my issues to anyone who missed them the first time ).

But I do have to disagree with you on this:

"It's because they were shit parents, not because they didn't let you have what other children had."

The point is, my parents weren't shit parents - they thought they were doing the best for me just as you say everyone is. But they believed very strongly that it didn't matter if I didn't fit in with my peers. I remember being bullied because I didn't have nice clothes, because I had to have a short haircut. I remember not joining in conversations about what I got for Christmas and birthdays at school because I didn't want to be laughed at more. I was bullied absolutely because I couldn't fit in with the crowd.

My personal parenting style is to allow DS to experience all age-appropriate aspects of the world around him in a balanced, moderated way, guided by his interests. If other people want to parent differently, who am I to comment on that? Everyone makes their own decisions. But I want to be able to make mine too and not feel judged by those who assume I am raising a 'zombie' using my 'electronic babysitter'.

WOW, that was long!

Clearly, I allow myself far too much screen time.

The point is, my parents weren't shit parents - they thought they were doing the best for me just as you say everyone is. But they believed very strongly that it didn't matter if I didn't fit in with my peers. I remember being bullied because I didn't have nice clothes, because I had to have a short haircut. I remember not joining in conversations about what I got for Christmas and birthdays at school because I didn't want to be laughed at more. I was bullied absolutely because I couldn't fit in with the crowd.

The language of the playground is hugely important. My ds was not your normal football playing boy but was mature beyond his years, but i bought him have pokemon/yughio cards, beyblades and he made friends through them and also gave him many years of enjoyment.

Iamsherlocked sorry to go off thread here.

I remember being bullied because I didn't have nice clothes, because I had to have a short haircut. I remember not joining in conversations about what I got for Christmas and birthdays at school because I didn't want to be laughed at more.

I was not allowed certain toys that my friends had, and especially never any of the faddy toys. I was never allowed to have a perm (it was the 80s!) and had a horrible unflattering short haircut. I was never allowed trendy clothes. I spent time wondering why I never had the wonderful presents that other children got. I know what it is like to be that person, but I also know that I was never bullied because of it. I was lucky to be "in with the in-crowd" but not one of us would ever have thought of being nasty because we didn't have the right toys or clothes, or didn't watch certain TV programmes.

Maybe schools are different these days, and if they are, is it because the parents are allowing too much because they think if they don't their child will be bullied?

Like I said, I'm lucky that DD goes to a school where the peer pressure for TV/videos/games is (mostly) absent.

I don't think its about bullying or peer pressure, its just about having a shared interest that opens the door to some unlikely friendship.

You were jolly lucky world gone crazy, I am way older than you, I can't say that I was bullied but it was hard not fitting in- therefore I let my DCs fit in.IAmSherlocked may have food issues but she doesn't appear to have parenting issues. Parenting a teenager is no way like being one yourself- it is like saying 'I can teach because I went to school'!

I equally let them not fit in if they don't want to-I give them the confidence to do their own thing.

Ds2 has just come home from playing footie with his mates. They have all piled into my house to play a racing game. Dh is making them some pasta, they are then going to stream a film and have a sleepover.

Nowt wrong with that!

I've just spent ages ploughing through this thread and I have never though that gaming was such a big deal - its just one thing to do among many.

DS(15) is on the xbox at the moment unwinding after working hard all week at school and doing lots of revision. How is that different from me being on here to relax?

My DD doesn't have any limits on the amount of TV she watches - I expect her to set her own limits, which is what we did as children. But I don't buy her huge numbers of DVDs. Not buying games consoles comes under the same heading as not buying too many DVDs - it's just an effort by me to do what I can.

The wanting to fit in I don't get - when we were little, people weren't desperate to fit in. I was occasionally teased by my friends when I was 9 or so for liking different music, but it was gentle teasing, and we were still friends. By and large we just all knew we liked different things, and we accepted it. There was no pressure.

I know things have changed, but you're not going to get me actively facilitating that change.

webwiz - because on Mumsnet you learn things?

worldgonecrazy, I missed your post - "not one of us would ever have thought of being nasty because we didn't have the right toys or clothes, or didn't watch certain TV programmes."

That's just what I meant.

Well I've been on here for hours tonight vesela and I don't think I've learnt anything other than to not venture into the relationships topic.

Boy some of you had idyllic childhoods! I went to a school were I didn't fit in at all (including not having a TV) and it is very hard to make friends when you have very little in common and can't even do small talk about what was on TV last night. I wouldn't say I was bullied, but I was teased and I didn't have any friends who I felt 'safe' with. It seriously affected my ability to make friends for many many years after. Bullying and peer pressure are not recent phenomenon.

I don't think that parents should buy every little thing that their children ask for on the grounds that 'everyone has x,y or z' but I do think that we should at least think about the potential impact of being very different. Oh and my parents weren't shit either. they just made some mistakes which had a pretty large effect on me for principles which at the end of the day really didn't actually matter very much.

I think that people have selective amnesia, nooka. I am older than average and so I date back to before you had to have branded trainers etc but it was difficult being the only one in white ankle socks etc as a teenager. I wasn't bullied but there were lots of things that I couldn't just enter general conversation about. My mother wasn't at all flexible so once she said 'no' she stuck to it, despite any reasoned argument.
I consider that I was quite strict but I didn't want a situation where they were left out.
People also assume that all games are bad.
A friend's DS spent a lot of time on his computer with games etc. He has made a career of it and is freelance. He is never short of work, he can afford a house in a nice part of London, has a partner who has a completely different career and he is very sociable, has lots of other interests and travels a lot. Not only did it not damage him, it was very useful.

nooka I think you need to be careful re thinking about what has happened to you as a teenager/child and what happens now.

Not that the issue of 'fitting in' doesn't exist any more.

But when we were young, the number of channels was very small. Everyone was watching the same thing. Now there is so much to choose from that this is quite normal.

Obviously, there will some programs that 'everybody's watches'. but by far, there isn't the same pressure or the same expectation.

Also it's not because 'everybody watches TV' that you have to do it too. And by that I mean the dcs and yourself. If you are watching quite a bit of TV, I think putting a ban on TV or severely restricted it would just be hypocritical.
This is true for all other things actually. TV, games, computer but also drinking, swearing etc...!

It goes back to 'everything in moderation' and letting the DC learn to self moderate.

Mine were allowed access to computer games from the time they were old enough to play them. If they misbehaved their access was removed. They have tended to lose interest now but they still play games occasionally. It was a useful bonding experience with other children and invaluable on long journeys. It probably helped their reaction times, useful for sport and when driving. They had some excellent educational software and they have been able to use the internet to find resources to help them extend their subject knowledge/ revise for exams. I'm happy I made the right decision for my children, I hope you can all say the same when yours are older.

Agree Notsosure
When pokemon cards first came out I wasn't going to buy the for Ds because I thought they were expensive bits if card, the remembered we collected old cigarette cards and paid a lot for one set. So gave in and Ds had many years if enjoyment collecting and playing pokemon
I also played games on ps2 and Wii with the dcs and by myself, its no different than discussing a book we have both read.

I think it's important to get the balance right. I think my parents were pretty good about it, and I'd hope to follow their example for my girls (who are, incidentally, way to young for gaming at the mo'!)

I was 8yo in 1991 and was bought a Sega Megadrive - absolutely one of THE best presents I ever recieved in my childhood! I was allowed to have it in my bedroom and was monitored regarding how much time I was allowed to play - max 2 hours in the evening, once homework was done or I'd cleaned my room, or whatever. My Dad would often play games with me; friends and I would play together so in that way it was very sociable (contrary to popular belief) and so much fun!

That said, kids still need outdoor/exercise time, so a games console shouldn't overtake other activities. Some games are just plain unsuitable for under 16s (Resident Evil, Manhunt GTA series) an parents needto keep an eye on what their kids are playing.

I was 'different' as a child, in that my siblings and I did not have many of the things that our classmates had. It went deeper than that, though, in that my parents' lifestyle and values were very different from the particular community standard. I am quite aware of the ways in which that sense of 'difference' shaped me as a person, both positively and negatively. It doesn't make me want to raise my DD to "fit in."

My younger sister and I had the same circumstances, but different personalities and different responses, and we have different views now on our childhoods. She feels that the 'difference' led to social exclusion and wants her children to be more 'like the other kids'...I feel something closer to 'my parents lived by their values and I am pleased with how my siblings and I turned out", so I have every intention of creating the homelife that suits my family, without worrying about how my children "fit in" with regard to the choices made by other families, IYSWIM.

Point is, she and I came from the same experience and yet have made different parenting choices. They're both acceptable, and I don't tell her that her's is misguided or impractical, and she doesn't tell me that mine is wrong either.

I don't think its about fitting I'm or bullying, its opening doors to friendships.
Ds s bf for many years was polar opposite to him, his family was very different to ours, but they found an interest in pokemon cards that bought them together.