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Parenting

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Original poster

is it odd for MIL to share bath with 4.5 yo daughter?

102 replies

elizaregina · 06/04/2012 08:50

my daughter suddenly said the other day that sometimes grandma shares a bath with her!!!I have to admit my first reaction is WTF. I dont share a bath with her anymore, not for a long time, nothing agaisnt it for me but just prefer showers!
I dont like my MIL but if this was also something I had found out about my own mother i wouldnt be comfy with that either? has anyone else had this or think its odd or ok!!!

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cece · 06/04/2012 08:51

No I don't think I would be comfortable about it either.

Mrsrobertduvall · 06/04/2012 08:53

Why would a grown woman want to share a bath with anyone?
Very odd.

googietheegg · 06/04/2012 08:53

I would not like this at all.

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Heyyyho · 06/04/2012 08:53

Bit old for that really. Do you mean she gets fully in with her? What did your dd say

CruciFlisspaps · 06/04/2012 08:53

Is your DD happy with it? It's not something that would particularly bother me - either with my MIL or DM as long as DD was happy.

Northernlurker · 06/04/2012 08:55

I think it's fine. Dd3 who is 4 sometimes likes to come in the bath with me. She plays, I read. Won't be too long before she's too big for it. I suspect that when I have grandchildren, should they wander in to the bathroom when little and want to bath too I will pop them in with me.
I think you're letting your dislike for mil run away with you. Have you any reason at all to suspect she is behaving inappropriately to your daughter - who she doubtless loves like her own?

Northernlurker · 06/04/2012 08:55

Dd's nerly 5 actually. She likes baths

ginmakesitallok · 06/04/2012 08:56

It wouldn't bother me at all - I shared a bath with DD1 til she was about 6. Why would she do it? Because it's fun? Because you get to splash each other? Because DD1 used to ask me??

IcanandIwill · 06/04/2012 08:56

Really? I don't see the issue. I often have my 5 year old clamber in with me and would have no issue with her doing the same with DM or DMIL.

Original poster

elizaregina · 06/04/2012 09:02

I do not think in any way shape or form my MIL is abusing my daughter! That is not at all what I was " uncomfortable " with. Its the nakedness! I just dont feel comfy with it - I adored my mother - and I wouldnt have felt happy with her doing it either.

My dd just started to say yesterday about granny in heaven and granny in XXXX and whose whose mummy etc etc, and then she chatted about being washed at grandmas, and sometimes grandma has a bath with me.

My daughter used to go there three times a month, all day or over night but now she doesnt want to go so been a few hours here and there.

She had her for four hours the other day and all she does when daughter is there is wash her!!! She always washes her with hair and all clothes no matter how long she has her for - i think she has OCD. Instead of doing something " fun" to encourage my daugter to want to go there, its a priority to wash her and wash her clothes.

I think its odd. In some ways I do see it as a usurping tactic! I would not do it with my grandchild, esp if I did not get on my with DIL>

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YouBrokeMySmoulder · 06/04/2012 09:06

I wouldnt have a problem with it with my MIL but the behavior you've just described is a bit odd.

I wouldnt see the nakedness as aproblem - lots of cultures have a tradition of lots of women being naked together, in fact I think it would be good for your dd to see that some people are more relaxed about such things than others.

soundevenfruity · 06/04/2012 09:12

It sounds strange at first but then I grew up going to sauna and it helped to see lots of naked women: old, young, hairless or fully natural . It's good for girls, exuse the pun, to be exposed to all shapes and forms. Am planning to take DS to a nudist beach and to a sauna with me so really can't criticise.

CruciFlisspaps · 06/04/2012 09:12

Washing her and her clothes (and for up to four hours) at every visit is bonkers, that's not the same as a normal bath with your DD.

Original poster

elizaregina · 06/04/2012 09:12

YouBrokeMySmoulder v true about other cultures yes, she is german - i think they indlugle in nakedness more than us brits perhaps!
re other behaviour - she is oddd, she is off her rocker!

she doesnt work and is obsessed with cleaning, holes, spots etc. its like all she has to show for herslef is how clean she can get her house, which is the typical show home, no personality etc, cant have a cup of tea in peace, cant eat in peace, cant do anything in peace.
DH actually was v depressed when met him and seeing physoanyalsis about parents when i met him years ago.
she thinks being a mum is only about feeding, buying outfits.
she has a large house but it seems she takes my DD to DH old room, which looks like student room to do stuff with her!!!
they are terrified of things being broken in thier house although my DD has never ever broken anything there, here or anywhere.

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MrsGypsy · 06/04/2012 09:13

I think a WTF response is right, if only because taking baths together is not the norm in YOUR family. Your MIL does sound a bit odd though - all that washing. Another WTF I think.

It would be a pity for your DD to not enjoy her time with your MIL any more. You could stop any more of this sharing baths business by saying to her (MIL) that DD really doesn't enjoy all this washing, not of her clothes, her hair nor an extra bath. You are quite capable of giving her a bath at home, at bath time. Can she please stop it, and plan something more fun for her GD, or she will find that you are having to "make" your DD go visit, because she's not finding her time with her GM very enjoyable. GM wouldn't want that, would she?

Original poster

elizaregina · 06/04/2012 09:17

CruciFlisspaps - sorry she only had her at the house for four hours - and in that time she chose to wash her - i do not think that took up the full four hours though. i meant, she could have done something fun with her but my DD came back saying " well i dont have much time for that....i dont have much time for this..." which is what MIL must have been saying to her.

If my DD knows she is going there it will play on her mind, she doesnt want to go. I do not like my MIL but it was useful when she could baby sit, its in my interests for my DD to like going there.

HOwever what can one do! She is rigid and after not seeing her Gd for quite a while compared to normal, she washes her!!!!

I cant force my DD to go there anymore, she wont thank me for it - and i dont see why they cant just do nice things with her - like GP should!

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Original poster

elizaregina · 06/04/2012 09:21

MrsGypsy I havant spoken to her myself properly since my DD was born sept 2007, she verbally attacked me a week after delivery and I had also just lost my brother.

My DH has had major issues with them in the past about them simply riding like tanks over his views, feelings life etc and he isnt very good at speaking up to them. I have told him he has to be as honest as he can be that she doesnt want to go there. to be honest she has never enjoyed it! she is getting older now, not as easily dumped there.

the worst is as like everything else she has blamed me for - this will be something else i get blamed for!!! the fact her GD doesnt want to go there!

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GoGoBananas · 06/04/2012 09:23

The bathing thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest. DD had a bath with mil last night in fact. MIL did check but my reaction was v much . Just means somebody else is playing Dr Doom Splashes Down instead of me.

But it's not about the bathing together stuff is it? Sounds like cleaning/practical stuff is how your mil shows affection. Which is sort of nice

Mollydoggerson · 06/04/2012 09:26

My children love me coming into the bath with them, in fairness I do play away with them. I think it's ok mine are 4 and 3.

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 06/04/2012 09:27

no wonder you dd doesn'tt want to go for a cleaning session

Mollydoggerson · 06/04/2012 09:28

Opps that might read badly to the potty minded amongst us, as in I play with their bath toys/knights/animals/sponges/empty shampoo squirty bottles. It wont be long before they wont want us all to hang out all the time together.

Anyway no I don't see a problem with it.

Firawla · 06/04/2012 09:30

I would not be happy with this at all if it was my child.
I know loads of people on mumsnet seem to be into this communal bathing thing and find it okay until a really old age, almost teenage children!! BUT you do not do that with your dd at all, which means she is not going to be comfy with it, and it sounds like that due to how you're saying she doesnt want to go, she kept mentioning all this washing to you obviously hinting she is not comfy with it
If it was my dd i would make it clear to the mil, do not take any clothes off my child whether for washing the clothes or washing the dd - tell her you will be doing the washing yourself at your own house, and if she wants to spend time with her then shes welcome but if she only wnts to wash her then that is not needed
it is weird, and if your dd is not comfy with it you must put a stop to it.
it sounds horrible, also may be making your dd feel that grandma consideres her dirty if all she ever wants to do is wash her???

Mollydoggerson · 06/04/2012 09:31

Your MIL might be reliving old memories, thinking back to washing her own little ones, who knows. If you just think it is odd rather than sinister I would let it go.

Littleplasticpeople · 06/04/2012 09:36

Bit odd I think. Although I wouldn't think it odd for my 4 yr old to climb in to the bath with me, I wouldn't want him in with grandparents. Don't know why.

soundevenfruity · 06/04/2012 09:36

Having read the rest it's obvious you dislike MIL but in my opinion it's not a good reason to stop her seeing your daughter. Have you daughter seen WTF on your face? Because children are very perceptive and would naturally want to please you so with refusing to go to her GM she might be doing what she thinks you want from her.

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