is it odd for MIL to share bath with 4.5 yo daughter?

[elizaregina]

my daughter suddenly said the other day that sometimes grandma shares a bath with her!!!I have to admit my first reaction is WTF. I dont share a bath with her anymore, not for a long time, nothing agaisnt it for me but just prefer showers!
I dont like my MIL but if this was also something I had found out about my own mother i wouldnt be comfy with that either? has anyone else had this or think its odd or ok!!!

Nyac Fri 06-Apr-12 09:52:17

"If my DD knows she is going there it will play on her mind, she doesnt want to go. I do not like my MIL but it was useful when she could baby sit, its in my interests for my DD to like going there."

Your dd doesn't want to go there, and her grandmother is behaving in a very overly-intimate kind of way. I think you should pay attention to your dd and find another babysitter instead of thinking about your interests

what I mean is - I am not trying to turn my DD agaisnt MIL, its not in my interests to do so, its in my insterests for them to get on, as well as what I would ideally like for my DD and her Gran and grandpa.

Eliza it sounds as though your PILS are not very confident people, and want to control everything around them. Your DH must have suffered a lot as a result of this.

Given that they don't see their GD that often, well yes, I would expect a planned activity actually. You can't leave a child of that age to its own devices in a house that is not its home, particularly if they don't have any toys or friends with them. Is it too much to expect a GP to plan something like making biscuits (obviously not with YOUR MIL as it's too messy...), digging in the garden, walking to the park, walking to the shops, helping GPs with the supermarket shopping? These are very enjoyable activities at this age, cost nothing and can fit into the routine of the day. Anything rather than sit indoors waiting to be washed!!!

Very sensible decision in having DH supervised visits.

It's not about your interests though it's about your dd's.

It plays on her mind when she's going there and she doesn't want to go. It's not normal for a granddaughter to have a reaction to her grandparents like this. She's 4 and a half, nothing should be playing on her mind.

I don't think washing together is bad, but understand that it isn't needed when your dd is there.
When Im looking after younger family menbers its the same as what alot of people have said on here- if the door isn't locked they all climb in, try having a shower when there's 3 of you in it! If me or my mum are in the bath the other one will sit on the end with are feet in the water having a chat and Im 27.

I often used to share a bath with my dd, until she was at least 8 , so I don't think I would object to it

OF course if the dd was unhappy to share a bath with her gm that would be very different

The only thing that matters here is that your DD doesn't want to go.

Your DH has had help to deal with his childhood, and you don't set foot in their house. I'd not be sending DD to theirs - baths or not! If they want to spend time with DD then from now on it would be in my house, doing things DD wanted to do.

The sharing a bath thing i find fine. My children love it and they are 3 and 6. I tend to keep my pants on though which they think it hilarious and then they keep their pants on then socks and vests and then the next thing you know we are having fully clothed baths. Great fun!

But i would be concerned that she is it going to give your daughter cleanliness issues. Seriously. I realise you don't want to lose your babysitting help but your daughters well being is more important then that.

That doesn't mean that you have to stop them seeing each other but perhaps tell your mother in law that the cleaning is to stop. Its not normal or healthy to clean that much. Or better still get your husband to do it.

thanks for all the interesting comments. helped me see a much broader picture all round.

re activities, interesting thats lots of GP dont take children out - mine didnt take me out - but they were v elderly by time i came along.

i do think - that if my DD is showing signs of boredom, or not wanting to go that they could make it more fun for her. She does like running round thier garden.

I feel much more comfotable about her sharing a bath with MIL, not entirely happy but more OK with it.

And I will get DH to speak to them about the clothes thing, esp now she is much more aware of whats going on, to be washed there all the time and clothes washed etc, no more baths or washing!!!!

I just read your 9.51 post. Why on earth would you want to send your child into such an environment!? Its going to give her anxiety issues! Why are you doing it? What are you thinking?!

PooPooInMyToes Fri 06-Apr-12 10:40:05

I just read your 9.51 post. Why on earth would you want to send your child into such an environment!? Its going to give her anxiety issues! Why are you doing it? What are you thinking?!

It was all set up from the birth, it was a very very fraught time, my brother had died suddenly, i had a funeral to organise, problematic alcholic siblings calling me non stop - a house renovation as well, walls plastered, paint etc etc, my bro was buried on wed and i gave birth on sunday.

My dad was here i didnt want him to be, i wanted to b alone with new baby adn DH, but my dad without us knowing invited them into our house to help clean it before i came back from hosp!! When SIL said she was moving my funriture to more " condusive" places i flipped and asked them all to leave before we got home. I got home and everything had been turned up side down, I couldnt find a single thing.

MIL a few days later and FIL conspired to get me alone in house without DH, and MIL proceeded to tell me why she didnt like me for two hours!!! Then FIL came in and did pretty much the same.

After that MIL was frantic saying she had to see baby - they change everyday, started to call my dad all the time, bullying and pushing and at the time the health visitor said " why not get DH to take baby over there so stop them coming to you and let them see her for a few hours every week" to take pressure off us, as it was too much i nealry had a break down. FIL will do anything MIL wants and he is v v pushy man....I can only say they are like tanks riding roughshod over everything. Lots ot times I have asked my husband to cut them off but everyon communicates with my husband through them, family friends, DH grandparents etc.

so I thought thats what we had to do and thats what we have done since,although I have always been deeply unhappy with it.

Its completely different things - if MIL having an evening bath, and DD jumps in too,and MIL okay with that - not a problem. If MIL is telling DD to have a bath in the middle of the afternoon - sorry but that's not normal, unless she's been running round under the sprinkler and you are warming her up - something like that. And why does she feel the need to hop in too - surely MIL is clean!

Please listen to what your DD is trying to tell you. Children shouldn't be forced to do things they feel uncomfortable with, if it is reasonable for them to refuse. I still remember creepy man my parents wanted me to hug goodbye because he wanted to - NOT me - he made me feel physically sick - I told my parents - my mother told me I had to be polite. By the time I was 13, I made choking noises - he hugged tighter - chest to chest - yuck! Various things like that where my mother put not offending others (however weird they were) above my desires. Anyway then you end up lacking confidence to stand up for yourself in difficult situations, and try to keep everyone happy (except yourself). You can guarantee that MIL will be doing the same to DD as she did to DH - leopards don't change their spots and all that ...... maybe DH would be happier if he cut them off?

DD can have just as a good a time with a close friend of the family, as a grandparent. My DD has a very special bond with her godmother - which I consciously encouraged from the start - we don't have much in the way of family either.

Just read your post - tell your husband to establish his own lines of communication with his grandparents - presumably he has a phone! His parents being the conduit, is just another way for them to control him. If he is incapable, then you establish your own connections with family friends that are important to you. Your family comes first, and if he doesn't want to screw DD up, like he got screwed up, he needs to sort himself out. The more you write, the worse it seems to me.

Yes but they are german! I did try a great deal to try and get him to contact them himself anyway - to be nice to his grandparents and take an interest in them, but they still go through parents. I asked him to ask them to send him cards or phone him directly but they still dont. Uncles all still go to parents and dont phone or communicate direclty with him.

i was forced to see my sisters husbands neice when i was younger and i hated her and hated them for forcing me to see her, not taking my feelings into account etc.

The way they look down on us is also something as DD gets older i think is un healhty for her to be around. Always disparaging rude remarks about us because we are not rich!
they wouldnt care if I was imelda Marcos as long as I was rich or made alot of money. treat DH like he is disabled...referfing to his " problems".

BTW my daughter didnt sound uncomfortable with it - it just came out as she was chatting about grandparents trying to make sense of it all.

I understand the difficult time you went through more then you can imagine. Also has a funeral to arrange, i was devastated and also has in law problems. Its been more then 4 years though, similar to me. I know how hard it is. I went on and had a second child quickly and the pressure was enormous.

I don't understand though why you have allowed it to continue, no actually you have allowed it to get worse! First your husband was there with the baby and at some point you started allowing them to have your daughter all to themselves other night several times a month! How did that happen? Why did you allow it to happen?

You say that they are very pushy but you have just given in to them for a quiet life! Its unbelievable!

You spoke about your husbands issues with them and how his childhood with them affected him as an adult so how did the two of you come to the conclusion that it was a good idea to let them do the same thing to your child!?

As for the contact with rest of family, that is easily sorted with a few phone calls and emails so hardly see that as reason.

The hv made one comment, many years ago, a suggestion you didn't have to take up, so that isn't a excuse either.

You need to start taking responsibility for what is happening to your child. She is being condition by her grand parents so to become obsessively clean. She probably has underlying feelings that she is dirty due to what your mother in law does EVERY SINGLE TIME she is there.

All because some hv made an off the cuff suggestion, so that you get free time without having to pay a babysitter, so that your husband doesn't have to make the effort of keeping in touch with his own relatives, because its easier to give in to your fil.

Think about what you are doing. Think about whether your daughter will thank you for it. Which one of those excuses are you going to give her?

No big deal for me? Why s it odd? What is it that bothers you about it? That your dd is seeing an older woman naked? Or that your mil is seeing her naked.

Dd is 5 and I still love a good bath with her. She washes my hair, I wash her hair, we groom/bond as is our role as patent/ child. It is also a natural relationship between children and elders, to groom, care, share, bond. Unless there is something you are worried about. The only reason dd does not bath with her gran is granny is too frail to cope with her jumping and splashing!

Ah so reading on, I see this s a stealth thread.

All these issues, yet you still allow your DD to go round because it's ultimately convenient if the babysit?

Don't you think they'll cause the same anguish to your lovely little girl that they caused your DH and you? Of course they will, and I agree with what someone else said about your DD thinking she's dirty if MIL insists on washing her and her clothes so frequently. This has moved on from the situation in your OP.

No, OP, just no. Stop sending her. Honestly, it's not worth the upset it's going to cause your DD.

I think telling people like that to F off is a good idea. If they truelly love you they will want to eventually compromise - listen and form a new better relationship - i am a big beliver in the power of " no". If it was my family, and indeed i have cut off a few memebers of my family - and let some back in....there would be no question of cutting them off.

My husband is scared of them though! Its hard to explain on here but they are so strange the way they speak, you cant win with them. It took me a long time to forgive my DH for not standing up for me when he stood and listened to FIl being desperalty nasty and rude to me after MIl private verbal attack. It has even pushed us to relate!

they are his parents = they are nightmares....in thier way though they do love thier only GD.

My DD goes to nursery now and school in sept so I have no great need for them to baby sit.

The whole thing was a nightmare which is why i am thinking of ELCS section this time round as I cant cope with all the associations from FB birth!

It will be a very diff story this time round i can certainly say!

MIL underminded me, made me feel totally inadequate, and its taken a long time to build up confidence as a mother.

I would like to move far away from them but cant do that right now.

They make DH feel guilty - and he will say to me " let them see her", and i say " sure I dont not let them but she doesnt want to go!!!!" he makes me feel guulty and they have blamed me for every single other problem they have with DH> even though he was in pyhscotherapy when i met him due to them!

Cant see nothing wrong with this if your dd is staying overnight and needs a bath but its the OCD problem ur mil has that would worry me-they could rub off on ur dd but apart from that in my family its a completely normal practise, my mil doesn't bath with dcs but my mum used to bath with my dcs when they little and stayed over.
As long as she actually needs a bath i dont see nothing wrong in it really

But off course if your uncomfortable with id tell her so

You say they love their grand daughter but i am sure they loved their son and look how he ended up. I understand that its very difficult if your dh is still under their control, my husband is at the same stage.

But the one thing that made a difference, that really got through to him was to say "this is harming our child". That soon shocked him out of his mis guided loyalty!

I've been a bit shocked reading this thread, reading about the amount of people who would happily share a bath with children aged 5, 6, even 7. Something about an adult sharing a bath with school aged children makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and I'd never think to let my son jump in the bath with me (or even see me in the bath!), but it looks like I'm in a minority as it seems very common. I feel like a bit of a prude now [bublush] even though I've never thought of myself as very uptight.

[disclaimer: not uncomfortable in a worrying way, like I think there is anything sordid about it, but it is the whole naked thing iyswim, I wouldn't want my ds to see me with no clothes on]

PooPooInMyToes

this issue has sent us to relate, lots of times I have said this to him. He said she will just see us normal and them as the mad ones who want to clean.

i have said all this to my DH but as said his relationship is complicated - severing ties means the entire family would think we are nasty people not letting GP see GD> It means my DH not having much contact with other family members etc.....

he is very sensitive its alot for him to cope with.

I am new to mumsnet, i was looking up stuff about c sections and saw that people post about all sorts of things which is why i thought i would ask other mums about this bath issue.

I havant given her over to them for me to get a few hours free. i cant deny that to have a break has been nice - but its mainly because they are controlling bullies, my DH cant stand up to them, they dont listen anyway - they make my husband feel guilty, other people make us feel guilty - she has told everyone that i have taken her son away - and cries all the time nad people feel sory for her - and its alot on my shoulders for my DH entire family to think not only have i ruined his realtionship with his M ( never had one) but also the EDIL is now stopping GD seeing poor crying MIL. As well as her simply only having one G. Its not a straightforward issue....

I think the best thing to have done was my DH cut them off along time ago for behaving in an un acceptable manner but he is too scared...i am happy to put boundaries up but they are his parents - my DH has to want to too!!!

it has driven me insane but she is my DH daughter as well as mine!