is it odd for MIL to share bath with 4.5 yo daughter?

[elizaregina]

my daughter suddenly said the other day that sometimes grandma shares a bath with her!!!I have to admit my first reaction is WTF. I dont share a bath with her anymore, not for a long time, nothing agaisnt it for me but just prefer showers!
I dont like my MIL but if this was also something I had found out about my own mother i wouldnt be comfy with that either? has anyone else had this or think its odd or ok!!!

PavlovtheCat

its the intimacy, sitting naked toghter in a sauna is not the same still as getting into a small together! I dont do it - my DD loves her baths, and is more than happy alone in there...we used to bath with her but at this age....i find it odd that she gets in with her! I dont mind her seeing her GM naked, and certainly not GM seeing her naked....but its that intimacy in a warm bath together ....i find it odd!

I agree with your last post there OP, it's not just the nakedness I am uncomfortable with but the intimacy as it is such a small space too (you put it far better than me!), especially as you and your DD don't share baths and you are her mother, your MIL crossed a line I think.

All that washing! It is odd. Not sinister, just odd.

It wouldn't bother me at all. DC often shared bed with their nana when little and they slept over. Sharing baths isn't a problem to me. I did it with mine till they were about 6ish. No big deal. It's just a body/having a wash..

she has slept in thier bed a few times i thought nothing of it, woken up at night and wanted to share - but getting in the bath with grandma to me seems to initmate, its not the same as sharinga bed

She sounds weird. Could your DH not tell her that your DD does not want to come to her house because she dislikes all the washing. Would she be likely to listen at all?

no they dont listen. she consider being clean her lifes greatest achievement. she would be beyond insulted. she probably thinks she is teaching GD about whats important! to clean, wash and clean some more.

in thier house when i used to go i would go to loo, wash hands, then dry the soap bar!!! rinse nad wash shiny soap dish, put all back and the little plastic flower on top. I would also polish loo flush ( shiny) as well. and wipe up any water spots on the floor. this is why i cant go there any more - i was going native!

There's too much intimacy here - sharing baths, sharing beds, when they are cold domineering people who have no respect for their granddaughters' parents. It doesn't add up, it's odd.

You should be paying serious attention to the fact that your dd does not want to go there, rather than using this thread to feel better about the shared baths.

You need to set boundaries NOW. Never mind your DH's feelings and passivity on this - YOU are her mother, and YOU have the power to say NO.

I have reined in my own PIL after they accused me of child abuse because I breastfed my 2 DSs. Now they are not allowed in our home unless DP is there to supervise their behaviour. Nor are they allowed unannounced visits, which drove me up the wall, despite me telling them over and over not to do so. I just stopped letting them into the house.

Now they behave well. They know they cannot threaten me with SS. They have no choice. In the end I used behaviour rather than words (as they do not listen to me) to make my point - and hey presto it has worked wonders (and I don't have to see them any more )

Neither you, your DH, nor (most importantly) your DD actually like these people - so just minimise their presence.

My DP was also very sensitive wimpish and passive regarding his parents. But that is his problem, not mine. Your DHs feelings should not impact on your DD's feelings - she comes first.

MummyPocPoc - yes we have sort of done that, by not going round there, my Dh goes if german family memebers come over or others, but he wouldnt go there for lunch without me.
A family friend of theirs actaully told me at a wedding that we should carry on doing what we are doing as its working!!! I didnt really know what she was talking about ....I also cant see anything working, the PIL are still horrors as a recent funeral proved....and they havant upped thier game with GD.

She also told me MIL is obsessed with son! Always has been " you dont need a good husband when you have a son"!!!

Anyway - I think the washing is key - and I will do as someone else said - wait for them to conact and say - she doesnt want to go, she is getting to an age where we arnt going to force her. They can make up all the excuses they want, but they have had 4.5 years to bond with her!!! If she does go and they want her to want to go back they need to stop washing her - her clothes, and do something she enjoys. But definalty MUST stop the washing.

The thing is you live with this and it becomes the norm. Some peoples comments on here about the washing have been a real slap round my face. You get ground down by it and worn down....also friends close to one dont like to speak up sometimes....so its really interesting to hear all these views from strangers...the FIL is a cold tough hard man, my dad was a tough business man but even he said speaking to my FIL started to give him heart palipations. It will be hard to get through but they can either bend or not bend and not see thier only GD.

Thanks to everyone for thier comments....I have to say praying all goes well with baby2, its going to be a very different story when i bring baby home, and thier intervention will be v diff too. she was so grasping after DD1 was born and I was so mentally low I sometimes felt it would be easier to just hand my daughter over to them to adopt.

I was also at rock bottom after DS1 was born, and was subjected to an avalanche of criticism which certainly didn't help

Just keep yourselves to yourselves. Get caller ID, so you don't have to answer when it's the PIL on the phone.

Reclaim your privacy. They will get the message in the end, especially if you reward them for good behaviour (i.e. if they visit at a mutually agreed time, and don't overstep boundaries) and ignore the bad.

It is hard to do when you're not used to it, especially if you like to be a people pleaser (like me ) but it will reap rewards

DS3 is due in a few weeks, and I will be putting a lot of limits on visitors, and no one will be allowed to make remarks / criticism which I find unacceptable.

I am currently formulating stock answers to nasty remarks such as:
"Are you aware how rude and hurtful that remark was?"
or even
"I need to get on and and do stuff. Thanks for visiting tho"

Try to remember (I need to remember this too btw!) that if people are rude to you, you don't need to worry too much about hurting their feelings by asking them nicely to leave. You are not a bitch. They are rude and insensitive.

Good luck!

Thanks Mummypocpoc,

we dont actaully let them in the house now. I can never ever get this house to her levels of clinical sanitaryness and nor should i want too! she saw a cobweb here once and her jaw dropped and her eyes literally rolled in shock / horror. Since i have known MIL i have lost my mother suddenly and my brother, as well as a few other nasties.

The only time she has looked at me with any kindness or sympathy was when I said the builders doing the bathroom left the house covered in dust from tile cutting, she actually had tears in her eyes. I dont go there and she is not welcome here. FIL does come occasionally to pick up DD and he cant resist remarks such as " so - you have a dog now - a guard dog, well not that theres much to lguard here".

Why do you let your daughter anywhere near these people on her own?

I have never wanted her to go there alone but she is also half of my DH! cutting people off or stopping access to GP isnt something to be taken lightly. They are very tricky people.
If my Dh isnt fully behind any descion then it cant be done. We did go to relate a while ago, we could only afford one session but that did help firm us up on boundaries etc.
My daughter doesnt want go now, if she goes in future she will go with DH or for a short time with strict intrustions not to wash, bath etc.

I wouldn't mind at all if my dds did this, actually I would think it was rather touching, but then my two are always clamouring to get in with me (they are 4 and 7, and love to soak in the tub with me, but I like to have some peace and quiet in the bath).

You don't have to cut her off from them. Just don't leave her on her own with them.

I think their demands to be with her, the fact that they attempted to break the bond between you and her when she was a baby, your MIL having inappropriate baths with her, plus the fact that she's shared their bed when they are both cold domineering people is sinister actually. Sorry to say that, but there are red flags coming up all over here for me.

I think they have deliberately made it impossible for you to be around with her when she's with them. And I think you should ask yourself why that is.

I hadn't read the whole thread when I posted so didn't realise this was part of a washing obsession...That is another issue, and would bother me a lot, but just bathing together would not. Surely intimacy is a good thing?

My boys aged 3, 6 and 8 will all still try and get in with me. I absolutely do not encourage it as its a massive squash, especially now I am pregnant. So at 4 not an issue for me but clearly there ARE other issues to be addressed.

It depends entirely on whether your DD is comfortable about it and happy-if she is I don't see it as a big deal. I would have baths sometimes with DSs until they stopped it-I think around 6 yrs. It comes to a natural end without thought.

Nyac, your right.

Well I wouldn't do it [as granny] I find it hard enough to get privacy to have a wee when looking after two dgc.I have just had a weeks holiday with them both and felt not a glimmer of desire to climb in the bath with them.I think it is very odd!

It's all about context isn't it? A fun bath with a kind, loving granny once in a while is a healthy, normal thing.

The way you describe your PIL, well I would not allow my child to see people like that unsupervised. They have given your DH mental health issues and they bully the both of you. I don't get it, are they all sweetness and light with your DD then?

And they will continue to bully the lot of you until one of you stands up to them. They've probably never been put in their place. Something doesn't sit right with the way you've explained things. It's quite worrying.

Another vote for keeping your daughter away from this woman's home - that doesn't have to mean no contact but it must be with your or H present. She clearly has significant MH issues and I staggered that you think it is your or your child's "interest" to be with her alone. If you can't stand to be there, imagine how your daughter feels? If I knew you, I would tell you it is child protection issue. Not because I think your MIL is a paedophile but because she sounds very unstable and I wouldn't want her left in sole charge of any child. Maintain the contact but in neutral places or your home. Has she ever had any treatment for her MH issues?

My two try every trick in the book to get into the (rare) bath I have and I have to bribe them to keep out. There isn't room and they are too boisterous. They bathe together. I just don't want loud, wriggly children in my bubble bath. Plus there is every chance one of them will get overexcited and wee