is it odd for MIL to share bath with 4.5 yo daughter?

[elizaregina]

my daughter suddenly said the other day that sometimes grandma shares a bath with her!!!I have to admit my first reaction is WTF. I dont share a bath with her anymore, not for a long time, nothing agaisnt it for me but just prefer showers!
I dont like my MIL but if this was also something I had found out about my own mother i wouldnt be comfy with that either? has anyone else had this or think its odd or ok!!!

By itself the bath thing wouldn't be that bad, but it sounds like a much bigger issue. Not surprised your DD isn't that keen to visit - she's probably wondering what's wrong with her to make grandma to the full scrub and fumigate routine every visit. (Am assuming that you do actually wash your DD and her clothes between visits :) )

I thought it sounded weird as soon as I read the thread title tbh. What does your husband think about it? If you don't like it, you are going to have to tell your mil she won't stop otherwise.

Unless I lock the door my 7 and 4 year old just strip and clamber in, really is a squash and a squeeze, but I will miss it when they don't want to any more, they do the same with dp. Dd has literally never had a bath alone.

I wouldn't feel totally comfotable with my mil doing it, as tbh I cannot stand her, but wouldn't bat an eyelid at my own Mum or my sil.

I don't think it is normal during a 4 hour visit to bath your dd & wash her clothes unless she has had a toilet accident. Surely that time could be spent in a million better ways. I would supervise visits & try & encourage activities because I would not be happy about this.

GoGoBananas yes i think your right it is how she shows affection, but its all wound in with being obsessed with being clean and also control....

Also, if my DD doesnt want to go there - shouldnt she be more creative and do other things with her!

she is so rigid, thats how she shows love but DD, doesnt want it.

they have taken her to the natural history museum once ( and we take her all the time so harldy a treat) in nealry 5 years!!!

never to a farm, or in door play center....only the local park.

• soundevenfruity - I am v careful not to show my reactions to my DD about her grandma. Whilst i think she is a mad mad woman, who has done alot of damage to DH and me now, she doenst have another grandma unfortunalty. In an ideal worLD i would like nothing more for us all to get on, and go round etc etc...but I have had to learn the hard way not everyone is destined to get on.

My DH can only tolerate short bursts with his parents!

Also I have no one else to watch daughter occasionally. My brother now occasionallly has her with his wife and she LOVES going there. If we say she is going there.....she will jump up and down with glee. They take her swimming, cook with her, play park, activities etc.

The communal bath thing is a little odd, but harmless enough if your DD isn't uncomfortable with it.

Spending the entire visit doing washing is extremely odd. I wouldn't force DD to go there if she doesn't want to. Can't you take her to visit sometimes so MIL gets to see her, but not leaving her alone there?

BTW my daughters first ever talking aloud nightamre was " no grandma I am not lying I am not lying!"

Ephiny, I dont go there i havant step foot in the house since my daughter was born, and I wont ever go there again, you are made to feel worthless ...ie they are so paranoid about thier " surfaces" being damaged that is the over riding feeling when there.....

dont scracth the floor, your tea is dripping it will warp my floor - help yourself to stew - ooohhh noooo stop dont help yourself you will spot my table cloth, dont put that on the granite it will scratch, dont brush against the walls you will damage the wall paper, dont do this or that!

I think i am more important than a cream carpet so will not go there. This is a big part of the problem!

I think my DH can take her occasionally though she was happy with my DH there too. But that isnt good enough for them, seeing her at least - three times a month from 8am to 8pm or even over night wasnt enough for them!

"If my DD knows she is going there it will play on her mind, she doesnt want to go. I do not like my MIL but it was useful when she could baby sit, its in my interests for my DD to like going there."

Your dd doesn't want to go there, and her grandmother is behaving in a very overly-intimate kind of way. I think you should pay attention to your dd and find another babysitter instead of thinking about your interests.

Her Grandma can come and see her at your house.

I think that's weird that you would send your daughter to a woman that neither of you or your husband can tolerate. She's much more vulnerable than you, you need to protect her.

I think having a fun bath with your granny at that age is totally normal and as others have said, good for girls to see naked female bodies.

OTOH the washing/clothes thing is bonkers.

Eliza your MIL sounds as mad as a ferret. And that's being nice about her.

Don't arrange any more visits for your DD. Let your MIL ask you or your DH about the next visit and then either you (if you can) or your DH can say how DD doesn't enjoy her visits to them and can they do something fun. Alternatively, when your MIL asks about seeing GD next, could you do a supervised visit either at yours, or out somewhere? Eg., zoo, trip to the park, the beach (if near enough!). You keep control, and maintain the moral high ground relationship with the grandparents.

"Such a pity DD doesn't want to come to yours - she's getting quite a complex now with all that washing". And if they try and tell you "that's nonsense, and not to be silly", just reply "Well, anyway, you think about it" and put the phone down. It's not up for discussion. You're the parents - not them, your rules.

Yes that is very very odd!!! I would not be comfortable with that at all and would make sure it didn't happen again.

Nyac I agree which is why I have said to my husband I dont want to push her now. As she doesnt have my darling mother, and only one grandma at least she does take an intesest in her, some frinds have MIL who do not care for thier children...so in that respect..i am lucky.

She is so rigid, even in my Dh has said things in the past to them they cannot accept he has his own views, they always blame everything on me. They dont care for me or my views....its very diffciult to talk to them or get through to them.

Grandma wont come to our house she gets upset that its too dirty!!! Filth and dirt to her are plates stacked up ready to go into dish washer, or a tiny spot of food on the outside of a kitchen cupboard.

Is it odd for a child to have a bath with their grand parent? No

But if your dd is only there for four hours and they have a bath because your MIL has OCD issues, then yes that is out of the ordinary.

It sounds like your MIL's OCD issues are out of control and I think maybe some patience and kindness is in order. It is now seen as a mental health issue and she probably needs some help to cope with it.

hmm I dont think you can expect people to constantly do fun things with the dc if you are asking them to look after dd as a favour - my PIL trail ds round the shops when he goes there but I dont mind - its upto them isnt it?

They take him to the park as well but wouldnt in a million years take him swimming or want to sit for hours by the side of a ballpit and I wouldnt expect them to tbh.

I see it as them building a relationship with ds not ds having an amazing funfilled time full of nonstop activities -did any of our grandparents do that with us?

Just tell her that you dont want her or her clothes washed when she goes round there and tell dd that she will be going occasionally even if it isnt as much fun as her aunty and uncles.

I do agree that it's odd behaviour...maybe when you drop your daughter off at your MIL's you could say, "she's already had a bath, and has gone clean clothes on, so no need to wash her again!"

But honestly, it does sound like your daughter is uncomfortable with it.

Also - how big is everyone's bath?? There's no way I could fit a child in my bath comfortably if I was in there too!!

I don't see a problem with the bath sharing/nakedness. Does your dd see you or dh naked ever? My kids are used to seeing dh and I naked, we don't run round the house like it but we rarely get to shower in peace!

I grew up never having seen my parents without clothes on, it made me very self conscious about being naked myself and took many years of being with dh before I felt comfortable about being undressed around him. I'm very aware that I don't want my children brought up like that.

Your MIL's obsessive washing and cleaning is another issue entirely. Unless she has reason to wash your dd and her clothes at every short visit (for example if she is dirty when she arrives) then I think she maybe has deeper issues going on, sadly. If you and your dh don't have the greatest relationship with her then it's going to be difficult to broach the subject in a tactfull way. Is FIL on the scene? If so, can you talk to him about it?

My own mother passed away before my children were born so I understand why you are keen to foster a relationship between your dd and her only grandmother. However, as you have already pointed out, your dd is becoming uncomfortable with her visits so you need to find a way of tackling this. The lack of taking your dd anywhere isn't really a big deal - my inlaws have never taken my kids anywhere in 16 years! I love my inlaws, the kids adore them, they just aren't comfortable with driving the children anywhere and make up for it in other ways by doing fun things at home or in the park. It doesn't have to be big trips out all the time - it's about the quality IMO and your MIL isn't providing even that.

Your or dh need to say something to her.

Yes I think you need to find alternatives for babysitting. Clearly your DD hates being left there, and all the washing really is very odd, as well as kind of insulting to you/DH (implying that you're not bathing her regularly/giving her clean clothes, i.e. neglect).

Your DH can take her round there for visits, and they can come to you sometimes if they want.

I don't think they have an obligation to take your DD out or plan creative/fun activities for her, unless they want to. But neither should she be forced to spend time alone with them if she hates it.

MrsGypsy I think that is a good strategy. I have asked my husband to say something to them if they ask to see her again, I dont see them so I wouldnt go and they dominate my husband so it wouldnt be a group trip out, but Dh could take her with him to thier house occasionally.

An example of her behaviour, DH paternal gran died. He was at his parents house and MIL said " i have a suit here for your father, it doesnt fit him would you like to try it?"
He tried it on, she said " oh with a bit of tinkering it will fit you - you could wear it for the funeral"
dh " no thanks mum, i already have a suit to wear, thanks"

Days later we get furious phone calls from FIL about this suit that MIL has spent hours taking up, for the funeral!!!! Then at the funeral - MIL did not talk to us all the time!!! She sat sulking looking sorry for herself!

DH had to write them an email to say back off or push me back to depression, his F replied that it was perfectly " normal" to buy a new suit for son for funeral of grandma and it was all normal. ie we are the un normal ones.

Bath sharing/nakedness - perfectly fine, especially if she's from a culture where it's more common. My MIL is Japanese and both her and FIL love having a bath with ds. Communal and family bathing is normal, Ina fact positively celebrated out there. I think it's lovely.

The OCD issues are where you should be concerned, I think - you're for using on the wrong thing!

Thanks for all bath comments - I do feel more comfy with that now, but yes the washing is clearly an un acceptable issue.

I could speak to FIL, he is just as bad, panics if a handbag is in the kitchen rather than utitily room!!! He worked on a nuclear sub, and still thinks he is on one and has dust allergies!

He really just says anything to keep MIL happy,

Ahem, focusing

I don't think you are lucky really. Or at least your dd isn't.

Just because they are showing an interest doesn't mean it's a good interest. You say they screwed up your dh, so why would you leave your precious dd alone with them to have them do the same to her.

And TBH your dd telling you about the bath sounds like a disclosure to me. You should have been aware of this before, if it wasn't an issue.

The fact that this was apparently a secret, certainly to spoken about amongst the adults (in comparison to the Japan example where everybody is open about it) is worrying.