Cuddle/not cuddle debate - 13 mth DS

[TooMuchJD]

DH & me at loggerheads re: cuddling/hugging DS. DH thinks he is mummy mard & that I encourage this by cuddling/hugging him when he cries/whinges/whines. He won't cuddle him when he's crying unless it's something obvious like he's fell over and bumped his head etc. He says theres no point as he doesn't stop whinging/crying/whining anyway so just ignores him then moans at me when I pick him up and comfort him (he stops for me most of the time)
My argument is that I am with them 99% of the time, know what is and isn't mard crying (yes he is a mummy mard but like I say say, spends 99% of his time with me) therefore if my gut is telling me to cuddle I should cuddle and not necessarily do what DH says.
He says I don't listen to him and am not always right (which in some cases is true)
Any thoughts?

If my children cry i cuddle them unless its a tantrum, in which case i either ignore or tickle to try and get them out of it before it really kicks off.

I'm of the same opinion. If I know it's a hissy fit, which he has several of, then I leave him or distract him with a book or toy. DH doesn't agree with this either.

Bit of a power struggle in our relationship at the moment which is not helping matters.

You're right and your DH is nuts. Your son is a baby. He's not even a toddler yet! He can't explain his emotions or understand them, so he turns to his mother to manage them for him and offer him comfort. That's totally age appropriate and normal. Your husband is advocating the methods you use on a 3 year old, not a baby!

Get him a book called Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain. It's a book that collates the neuroscientific evidence on infant development, and how meeting their needs apropriately promotes it. Basically, if he wants a clingy, unhappy child, then his methods are bang on right. If he wants a securely attached, confident, relaxed one, he needs to trust your instincts.

And ignoring a crying baby who is asking for a cuddle is downright cruel. He's not being "naughty" at 13 months old - he hasn't the developmental ability yet.

When you're on your death bed, you're not going to regret the cuddles.

Your baby (even if he walks, he's a baby) has no handle on his emotions. Label them for him and comfort where necessary.

What power struggles are you having? As your boy gets older there will be more disagreements so best to resolve the underlying issue now.

I read the post title and thought... what in earth could the 'debate' in cuddling be!

My boy gets utterly besieged with cuddles from my DH and I.

We do not do it consciously for his emotional development. We do it without thinking, it is a primal need sometimes!

I do not have any primal jeering to hug him when he is having a temper tantrumn though. When he hurts himself? Anyone trying to stop le from hugging him would get a short sharp slap!

Sorry, terrible typos. I meant primal
'Need'. And anyone trying to stop 'me'.

I am worried by what you say about your husband's attitude towards your son and your relationship. It sounds like he is jealous of his own son and wife and is trying to make a hard man of his 13m baby. Not healthy at all. Did your husband have a tough childhood?

I cuddle my DS who's 2 when he's having a tantrum because he gets scared by what's happening to him. I cuddle him when I feel like it. I cuddle him when he feels like it. We have a cuddle if there's something that scares him, or if he does something clever. Essentially we cuddle a lot. So does DH when he's at home. DS is well-behaved, not attention seeking, and very confident about going to people that he knows with a healthy sense of scepticism around people that he doesn't.

Why wouldn't you cuddle your DS? He's only 13 months. Just out of interest were you cuddled lots as a child and was your DH? Is your DH worried that cuddling might be an 'unmanly' thing to do?

There are no reasons for not cuddling a baby.

Debate?! About cuddling a baby?!

I think you need to give him extra cuddles to make up for the ones he's missing from his dad :(

Totally agree with seeker.

I cuddled my kids when they were cross too, if they'd let me. At 13 months being cross usually means they are frustrated as they can't do or say lots of things (my 8 year old still gets cross when I don't understand what she is trying to say).
Have either of you been on any parenting courses or read any books? It is known by science that babies who do not get hugged, have brains which develop differently from children who do. Also children who don't get responded to when they cry, actually tend to cry more than those who do get picked up then.
Please cuddle your baby, and forget about calling a 13 month old "naughty".

My dad tried this with my mum about my DB. She told him that when he stopped needing cuddles, she would stop cuddling her son. That was the last she heard of it.

It makes me sad to think of a 13 month old being refused cuddles. He is a baby, he needs the cuddles. If anyting, withdrawing them can make him more insecure in the long run. Of course he stops when you pick him up, of course it's normal for you to comfort him. It's not love which spoils a child, it's lack of consistency and boundaries. I was also wondering if your DH had a tough father and a strict upringing. Follow your instinct OP, your DH's view of bringing up a child is cruel and outdated.

There is no debate. Babies/toddlers/children need cuddles

Your dh is being an arse. Was he brought up in a family that don't touch each other?

Good god.
I'm 30, and would expect to be cuddled by someone who loved me if they saw me crying.
Baby cries, baby gets a cuddle. It's what you do .

Cuddle him.He is 13 months old and you cannot spoil a baby with cuddles!!

Your dh is a knobber btw. Do not listen to his shit advice. He sounds jealous of the attention your little baby son is getting from you, and frankly that is HIS issue.

In my experience cuddles are what mummies were invented for! Daddies were invented for play time. Doesn't mean they can't do both, it's just what generally comes most naturally to each. Do what you do, let your DH do what he does. No, you're not always right - and i happen to think that women can be a little bit control freaky in this respect ("my way is the only right way"). And sometimes with good reason. But providing your LO is getting love, playtime and interaction from both of you, he'll come to no harm.

I wonder if this is a more general daddy/ son thing: i.e. they don't want their sons to be wet blankets and tend to be rougher on them because of it. I haven't met many dads who worry that too much affection is being lavished on their DD. Gender stereotyping at its worst?

Thanks for your comments.

I had very hippyish upbringing (teenage parents in the 70's) so had lots of cuddles and freedom. DH has much older parents and FIL was strict with them (eg: DH had responsibility of emptying his 2 yr old sisters potty when he was only 4 yrs old himself, this meant bringing it downstairs and emptying it in the lav). His sister is the same with her 2 yr old so seems a learned behaviour.
Have older DS who is 12 yrs old from prev relationship. DH feels he is wet and often says he doesn't want DS2 to become like him. FWIW DS1 is not wet but sensitive and empathetic so not very macho. Conversely ExH was not very loving to him either. Have mentioned this but fell on deaf ears.

Perfectstorm there would be no point getting the book as he wouldn't read it as he thinks all psychology is hippy bullshit. We had similar arguments with DD who is now 3. He was convinced she was mard and moaned when I cuddled her. Had huge arguments about it at the time (he has forgotten this now) and she is a very fiesty, confident little lady. He can also be over strict with her, expecting her to act with more maturity than she is capable of.

Cuddle, always cuddle! Dd is nearly 18 months and is excessively cuddled, it's natural and good for all of us. If dh thought differently I'd be feeling differently about cuddling him tbh!

Cuddle them when they're sad, cuddle them when they're angry, cuddle them when they're happy.
You get the point.
BTW, I would be very concerned about your DH's attitude to your other son.

"Wet"??
A 13 month-old boy who shouldn't be cuddled when he cries??

What the hell is your DH trying to do to your sons? There are far too many emotionally repressed males in this world as it is. If more boys grew up learning that it's okay to feel upset etc. about things and indeed show that they are upset and accept comfort, the human race would benefit massively.

Cuddle your sons. Both of them. And try and encourage your DH to do the same.

I would not accept criticism of my older DS as 'wet' and would take great offence at 'D'P not wanting 'his' son to grow up like 'your' son. I would rather an empathic man than a macho thug. ( I do know there are lots of points inbetween...)

cuddle your sons, love them. there are numerous studies prooving cuddles are good. I can't think I would find a serious piece of reserch that suggested cuddles are a bad thing.

I've just spent a happy hour cuddled up with my 10y DD2 watching a DVD.
She's been ill all week, she is fed up and needs a hug.
I still hug her 13Y old sister. So of course your DS needs a cuddle!