Cuddle/not cuddle debate - 13 mth DS

[TooMuchJD]

DH & me at loggerheads re: cuddling/hugging DS. DH thinks he is mummy mard & that I encourage this by cuddling/hugging him when he cries/whinges/whines. He won't cuddle him when he's crying unless it's something obvious like he's fell over and bumped his head etc. He says theres no point as he doesn't stop whinging/crying/whining anyway so just ignores him then moans at me when I pick him up and comfort him (he stops for me most of the time)
My argument is that I am with them 99% of the time, know what is and isn't mard crying (yes he is a mummy mard but like I say say, spends 99% of his time with me) therefore if my gut is telling me to cuddle I should cuddle and not necessarily do what DH says.
He says I don't listen to him and am not always right (which in some cases is true)
Any thoughts?

I cuddle my DS 11 months old all of the time, even when he is trying to wriggle away from my cuddles!
You husbands views are bizarre and it's pretty awful that he referred to your other son as 'wet', what a horrible thing to say.

its slang for wimp / overly soft

I think your DH needs a hug, and sounds like a right mardy pants himself!

I don't see how comforting a crying child is wrong at any age.
My 13 mo sometimes gets himself so frustrated he doesn't know what he wants and even a cuddle won't do, in that case I tend to put him down as I am 6 months pg and his wriggling hurts my bump but I still sit near him and try and soothe/distract him. I couldn't leave him crying and not do anything.

Round here mardy/mard/mardy pants means stroppy/naggy.

your posts make me feel really sad and pretty cross too. your poor baby (and poor ds1). their (step)dad thinks they are whingy / wet and that cuddles should be rationed / withheld for fear of.... not quite sure what exactly. he sounds like an insensitive arse. and you seem to disagree but haven't made your views clear / laughed at him kindly and carried on cuddling but seem to be struggling to know what's best for your baby. AND you've allowed your dh to be cruel and unkind to / about your poor ds1. i feel really sad for all of you. you need to sort this out. what sort of "power struggles" are you having with him? how do you react when he talks about ds1 like this? how do you plan to resolve things?

Mine are 22 and 19 and I still cuddle them like mad. Sorry, OP, your DH is nuts!

I sometimes get this whole DS is a mummy's boy because we are close, spend time together as he gets cuddles at the drop of a hat. He is 19mo and loves cuddles. Unconditional, unlimited, constant love - despite tantrums, temper fits and disagreement is what good parenting is about. It's never too late to cuddle and you are never too old to appreciate one!
I can't convince by DH about this as he has been brought up differently, and that's ok. And fwiw even if it sounds dramatic - my child shall be cuddled and loved the way I want as long as I am alive. It's ok if he gets a different kind of love from his dad, he will learn to live with both!

OP, the book describes brain scans of children who had their material needs met but denied affection. Parts of their brains simply failed to develop at all. I'd love to see how he described an MRI scan as being "hippy bullshit".

Your post distressed me a lot, to be honest, and I've not been able to shake it all day. Babies and small children NEED cuddles. They NEED love. It's axiomatic in developmental terms. If my spouse and my child's other parent tried to interfere with that we would be in Relate or they would be out the door, I'm sorry but that's just the case. This is actively abusive, to my mind - he's arguing that his wife should deny his child love, and at 13 months old! It's horrible to even read about, so must be incredibly distressing for you. Little kids can't know you love them unless you show it, and at that age physicality is the only means. They can't grasp all you do for them, they don't understand language. And they find the world new and frightening - my son was suffering separation anxiety at that age if I cooked with a closed stair gate between us, or had a shower alone, and so were my friends' babies. Leaving him unconsoled would have been horrible, and completely unnatural - how can something that goes so against every maternal instinct be a good idea? And the consensus now is that small kids can't manage their moods or emotions and rely on a trusted adult to do it for them, and show them how. Blanking them as he does is known to cause huge spikes in cortisol levels (stress hormones) - again, how is a proven bio-chemical fact "hippy bullshit"? How is scaring and distressing a baby, when it benefits nobody and is totally avoidable (obviously nobody can meet their needs at all times, and sometimes they need things that hurt - jabs and medical examinations etc) anything other than incredibly stupid and extremely cruel?

Your DH may refuse to read that book but I strongly recommend that YOU read it. It would give you the courage of your convictions. I'm afraid I also think your DH sounds jealous, and I'm frankly shocked that he thinks he has any right at all to control how much affection you give your kids. That's your decision, not his - are you trying to insist he snuggles them at all times? Didn't think so!

Love is a basic human need. If he wants to deprive a baby of it, he has serious issues. Please, please don't let those issues damage your kids.

"Have older DS who is 12 yrs old from prev relationship. DH feels he is wet and often says he doesn't want DS2 to become like him. FWIW DS1 is not wet but sensitive and empathetic so not very macho."

Can I ask if he ever says this in your DS1's hearing? Is he ever critical to him? If so, what do you say and how do you protect your child from this "man"?

I cuddle my boys all the time (6yrs. 4yrs and 16 months) and they all love to be cuddled, I've never signed up to the school of thought which says too much cuddling/showing of affection spoils them etc

One of my SILs however was very much of this school of thought when she had her first, so much so that from birth they had "cuddle time" each day for half an hour but other than that he was only picked up/held if needed a feed.

Nearly 4 years on that child is clingy, nervous, painfully shy/timid to the point of not being able to join in with things at pre-school (won't even use the toilets there) at parties, family gatherings etc.

Not only do I love cuddling mine but I am only too aware that in the blink of an eye they'll be growing up and going out into the world and I'll never get this time back. Make the most of it I say.

you have a DH who explicitly says he wants your DS2 not to turn out like your DS1???

Where to begin...

And you are with this man why?

My dh grew up with a cold, unemotional step dad who never showed him any affection whatsoever because he was homophobic to the extreme.

Little boys need to play fight with, kiss, cuddle, hold hands with, have piggy back rides with and be held by their daddies so that they grow up secure, loved and self confident.

You have put your ds1 in an absolutely terrible and damaging position. What the hell are you thinking?

Don't you realise you are doing ds1 so much damage having a man around that is such a poor role model for him and your baby boy?

You've got a conscience though for posting here, so what are you going to do?

We have had relationship counselling already and have the option to go back. DH says all the right things, nods in the right places but then picks up the easiest bits to change (in our case, paying more money into the family kitty) but seems unable or unwilling to deal with his obvious emotional issues. He knows that he has them, he finds it difficult to empathise with other people and has a very negative attitude to life in general, very much a glass half empty kind of person, but his father is the same.

With regards to the power struggles, DH works 50-60 hours a week in a physically demanding job so doesn't spend that much time at home with us. I run the house in terms of the kids, housework etc. (effectively a single parent on a practical level) so me & the kids have a very efficient routine (I work PT too). DH has old fashioned view that as the father he is the "head" of the family, or rather he should be, and says he doesn't feel respected because I don't always side with him on issues of the kids. (His mum always sided with his dad, she was husband 1st, kids 2nd) I am defo not like this, whilst I agree there has to be some compromise, I do feel that I'm more knowledgeable about the best way to deal with any issues that arise around the kids. (Sorry if this sounds litle arrogant, not sure how to word it)

I protect DS1 from the critisism, but to some degree is aware that DH thinks he's a bit wet. I get very defensive about this, as I am with the LO's too, which again causes problems. DS1 does see his dad regularly and has reasonable relationship with him. He's very close to his Grandad so has other male role models.

DH has BIG BIG issues with my prev marriage which I feel he needs counselling for himself but his way of dealing with stress etc is self medicate with alcohol, the more stressed, the more he drinks. He is aware of this but doesn't do anything about it sadly.Therefore, nothing gets resolved in the long term.

Sorry for the long post but felt I needed to answer some of the questions. FWIW I know that I am not always the easiest person to live with, I am very bossy and a bit school mistressy at times, but I know this and try keep a check on my soapboxing. Just used to getting things done by myself.

Your son is at the peak age for separation anxiety,if you ignore him this will only increase these fears,you need to enforce extra love and cuddles to make him feel secure.
My dd is 11 months and i cart her around everywhere with me if she needs it.She started waking in the night with it for nearly 2 weeks,screaming and not wanting us to leve him,it was hell. We had various advice including ignoring her.I instinctivly knew this was wrong and insted responded to her fears with extra cuddles and going in and out of her room often when she cried.I also gave her extra cuddles in the day also leaving the room from time to time buut talking to her whilst i was gone iyswim.
The last 2 days she has settled on her own and slept all night again. So i would definately say more cuddles is the way forward.

Not cuddling is pretty alien to me as i grew up in a very tactile family. To this day we are all still very tactile people - my mum AND my dad, as well as my older sisters (39 and 42). Our DCs are cuddled to within an inch of their lives (i have a niece and my own DS). They are both treated the same - my niece plays rough and tumble and receives plenty of affection, as does my DS.

There's a book called 'Raising Boys' which i read and put to one side because i think children are children whatever their gender. But it does raise some important points about the changing needs of boys as they get older. At no point is it suggested that they should stop receiving affection. It says their dads need to be engaged in their sons' lives at all points because they get to the age when they look up to their dad as a role model. Do you really want your DS growing up emotionally bereft? Your DH needs to switch on.... and quickly.

Just so you know I cuddle all three kids all the time. We also all wrestle together, have rough play, stories etc. inc. DS1. I don't hold with what DH says so effectively ignore him, which cheeses him off even more.
(Me n LO's have just been cuddling for the last hour watching Simons's Cat on YouTube - brillient :) )

I think there is a balance and your dh may have a SMALL point. For example, a child falls over. If parent makes a big fuss over it, suddenly the kid starts bawling their eyes out. My kids rarely cry when they fall over. I usually say, "You ok?" in normal voice and if they are they say, "Ow...", rub knee and then run off. If they cry, I know they are really hurt and they get huge cuddles, unlike a lot of kids who cry at the drop of a hat. There are also kids who get cuddled for moaning, which just perpetuates the behaviour. I can't stand whingeing myself, so there are certainly no cuddles for crying because they can't have a chocolate or something.

My ds1 is 6 and is very sensitive too, and cries about emotional stuff, which of course he is allowed to cry over. Like today he's had an emotional day, stuff going on in schoo with a friendl, has needed a lot of cuddles to feel loved and secure.

So, there is a balance. I don't think it has to be all one way or the other.

ps. also maybe your dh is jealous?

So basically:

Your DH has an alcohol problem
Your DH is angry when you don't put him and his needs before your kids'
Your DH expects you to allow him to run the show because he has a penis
Your DH demeans and belittles your elder child, but you feel that's okay because you stand up for him and he has other male role models
Your DH is expecting you to join him in emotionally abusing your baby because he's jealous of your love for him, and you are considering this as potentially reasonable
Your DH makes all the right noises in counselling but is totally unwilling to actually alter one iota of his disgusting behaviour.

Your children are dependent upon you. What precisely are you intending to do to protect them from further harm at the hands of this man? And if you do intend to remain with this individual and continue to expose your children, then if your elder son has a good relationship with his father, perhaps his emotional needs would be better met if he lived with him - at least he'd be free of your husband there.

"I think there is a balance and your dh may have a SMALL point. For example, a child falls over. If parent makes a big fuss over it, suddenly the kid starts bawling their eyes out. My kids rarely cry when they fall over. I usually say, "You ok?" in normal voice and if they are they say, "Ow...", rub knee and then run off. If they cry, I know they are really hurt and they get huge cuddles, unlike a lot of kids who cry at the drop of a hat. There are also kids who get cuddled for moaning, which just perpetuates the behaviour. I can't stand whingeing myself, so there are certainly no cuddles for crying because they can't have a chocolate or something."

Did you miss the bit where the OP says the child in question is one year and one month old?

I think you are wasting your time with this man and relationship counselling is not going to change him - you have already said that he doesn't really make the effort he needs to make a difference. He has so many problems already that he would need to deal with them through counselling etc long before he is even emotionally able to start on your relationship together. That would probably take years and in the meantime the rest of you suffer...personally I would not be able to take that on my own behalf, and certainly not on behalf of my children. I would be out of there.

Oh golly OP you are in a position which is difficult and will not improve unless you follow your dh's wishes and be more like his mum is.

Your dh will resent you more and more if you don't put his needs first and cow tow to his demands about how to parent.

Just look at what your sons are learning from you and this man:

1. Treat a woman badly and with scorn if she doesn't agree

1. Cuddling is for wusses and will make a boy 'wet' and not 'macho'

1. Alcohol and not compromise is the key to working through difficulties

1. A woman must know she is subservient to the demands and wishes of her master

Well done OP! Sure like my dds to marry your ds in the future!