Cuddle/not cuddle debate - 13 mth DS

[TooMuchJD]

DH & me at loggerheads re: cuddling/hugging DS. DH thinks he is mummy mard & that I encourage this by cuddling/hugging him when he cries/whinges/whines. He won't cuddle him when he's crying unless it's something obvious like he's fell over and bumped his head etc. He says theres no point as he doesn't stop whinging/crying/whining anyway so just ignores him then moans at me when I pick him up and comfort him (he stops for me most of the time)
My argument is that I am with them 99% of the time, know what is and isn't mard crying (yes he is a mummy mard but like I say say, spends 99% of his time with me) therefore if my gut is telling me to cuddle I should cuddle and not necessarily do what DH says.
He says I don't listen to him and am not always right (which in some cases is true)
Any thoughts?

Maybe put it this way to your DH: 'I will hold you in until you can hold yourself in'.

Basically 'I will help you control your emotions (by cuddling you) until you can control them on your own'. I've even used this explanation for my own DH as to why it's best to cuddle/ hold (17mo) DS when he's angry or disappointed rather than ignore him- and my DH is very much a 'new man'.

Have used that approach with dads before and think they can see it as a valid thing rather than the misconcieved idea that physical contact is 'wet'.

I struggle to leave my 17m old alone, at all, ever

He is just too bloody scrumptious and has been put on this Earth to be cuddled constantly, frankly

Agree, you're not going to look back in 50y time and regret 'too many' cuddles...

OP, you need a new DH.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, but I just don't see this turning out well at all.

OP - when in doubt, cuddle.

A cuddle when it is not deserved won't cause any harm. A cuddle not provided when it is needed, painful. At 13 months, discipline is secondary, but hugs are sooo not.

IMO, children can never get enough cuddles. A cuddle can defuse many situations, and a cuddle shows support in the best way. Why shout to get resolution when a hug will do it???? (hmmm, not the best track record on that recommendation.. I shout AND and cuddle, but mine are almost 8 & 10, with DD1 acting like a 10 yr old teenager.)
At 13 months cuddle is the only way

You H needs to get a grip. Trust your instincts on this, and get your H on board. Cuddle and persuasion always better than an argument/crossness.

Why is it that a mother can put loyalty to a sexual partner over the physical/ emotional health of her children?

Why doesn't the protective instinct kick in?

Enlighten me.

If any man, let alone someone I bring into the family home was to disapprove of the sensible way I brought my son up or took an irrational dislike to him, warning lights would flash.

OP have you had a heart to heart with ds1 about his feelings over how his step dad treats him/you/baby brother?

Hug your baby. He needs hugs as much as food or clothes.

I am in favour of lots of cuddles and totally agree with you, I am sure that if you didnt give as many cuddles you would feel terrible.
I have 3 children DD 19, DS1 9 & DS2 2.11 and I have cuddled them all loads, so far so good they are all turning out very well rounded children.
Hope it all goes well for you x x x

Oh dear, your DH sounds like a sexist idiot.

Oh dear, you allow a man in your life who thinks lowly of your 12 year old son.....
WTAF?

You tell your husband he changes or leaves, what on earth are you doing? You will live to regret this, one way or the other the way your DS has been treated will come back and bite you.

Am totally with Notnowbernard as well. Dd us nearly 18 months and gawd knows how she gets anything done (playing, emptying drawers, destroying stuff) with the amount of affection she gets. Totally normal, don't hold back!

Perfectstorm
You make DH sound like a complete arse and at time he is but he does have good points too. He isn't out and out nasty to DS1 and they spend time together chatting about gaming etc. as they are both interested in it. DS1 likes him and is mature enough for us to have talked about emotional issues together. I had very nasty break up from his father and which effected us both so we are very close. He certainly would not be better off with his father.

On the face of it DH comes across as quite cold but he does not deal with emotional issues at all and having known him since we were children and seen his upbringing I have some idea as to why he finds this difficult, he was constantly critisised at home whilst his sister could do no wrong (still much the same now, grandparents have her son every wkd, they have ours once every 6 mths and only if they have to). He is not a complete bastard, just needs to learn how to be a real father/husband. He does have an unhealthy relliance on alcohol, he is aware of it. I have persuaded him to seek counselling for himself as I think that some self evaluation is needed. He is also their dad and should have some input in their lives, needs to learn about praise not just critisism.

Have discussed family therapy or PPP to see if that helps.

We have discussed seperating, not what either of us wants but may yet come to that but would like to think we have done all we can to try and resolve the problems before we give up. However, this will not be at the expense of the children's wellbeing.

FWIW they get more than enough cuddles from me, even the eldest (damages his streetcred apparently)

Sorry, but you're rationalising. Almost all bastards have lots of good points. The world isn't made up of good people and total writeoffs. But he is damaging your kids, and instead of prioritising their welfare you're focusing on his. Who gives a stuff about his childhood? IT IS OVER. Your kids are living theirs, and he is jeopardising it. You are letting him do so. That's the basic reality.

I'm sad. I'm saddest of all that you have spent so many words explaining and excusing your DH's horrible behaviour, all on the grounds of his having a difficult childhood, while closing your eyes to the fact you are enabling his recreation of that for your own children. I can't respect that. I've been with a bastard before, for years in fact. I know how hard it is to know which way is up and how you end up thinking it's probably as much you as them. But that luxury isn't available when you have children. You have GOT to see the wood for the trees and be the grownup in the situation, not play out some weird co-dependant pychodrama.

I'm not going to return to this thread because watching someone ignore the fact they are exposing their kids to emotional harm, making excuses for the man doing it, and plainly fully intending to continue to collude is a painful waste of emotional energy.

A man who tries to stop a mother cuddling her baby when he is upset (or when he is not) is a nasty piece of work. I don't give a stuff that he's an ickle widdle biddle - any more than he apparently cares about the actual, real, ickle biddle widdle who deserves all the cuddles and love in the world.

Just tried to go to bed to discover ds, who's 10, and dp sound asleep cuddled up together.
Ds is a tough, confident, "boy-y boy" ( hate the expression, but you know what I mean) But he still loves cuddles- and so does his dad.

Looks like I'll be sleeping in a bunk bed tonight!

Perfectstorm
I hear what you ae saying loud & clear. You are wrong in saying that I am facilitating, I don't I challenge constantly and try to re-educate DH that he is just replaying how he was raised. I have NEVER not cuddled the kids when they have needed it, regardless of what DH opinion was and i will continue to raise them in the best way I can.

There are elements that are not working and these are being addressed and if it is decided that the only way to resolve the problems is to split then that is what I will do. We are not at that stage yet but is is still a possibility. Much better to have happy seperated parents than miserable married parents. Conversely he would spend more time with the kids if we were apart because he would have set access time. Also I wouldn't be there to pick up on the crap either. Having been through CAFCASS etc. once before I know that refusing him access would not be an option as he would not be considered as a threat to their welfare.

you're still making me sad and cross. you presumably posted on here because you were worried and weren't sure how to deal with this problem / whether you were right or wrong and anxious about the way your (d)h was behaving towards the dcs and towards you when you parented them in the way you thought was appropriate....
reading your last post it seems as though reeducating dh is your "project" and making up to him for his own childhood. good luck with that! changing such a fundamental attitude as thinking HIS OWN BABY is a whinging moaner and doesn't need comfort and who tries to prevent you giving comfort, who clearly dislikes your ds1 and thinks you have parented him badly and who is over strict with his toddler dd sounds like a project going nowhere, or at least not in the timeframe of your dcs childhoods.... especially when he thinks interest in ideas about parenting / seeking help is hippy bullshit.
your last post suggests all is under control and there is no possibility of the dcs welfare being compromised.... I'm left wondering why you posted in the first place. i repeat my original post with emphasis. He sounds a complete and utter arse.

TBH I am really torn. Is it possible to overcome these parenting differences? Part of me feels this is insurmountable and we should just call it a day but another part feels that I should be more understanding. Has anyone had similar differences with their DH/DW/Partner. I am feeling very defensive at the moment as I really don't know what is the best way forward without one of us being totally overwhelmed by the other. I have spoken to him today about what has been written on here regarding how no child has ever been damaged by too much cuddling but plenty have by not having enough. He thought about this for a while and agreed that "maybe he had been a bit stupid about that"
I know no one can make the decisions for me and there are lots of other influencing factors to which would probably be better in the relationships thread but have don't have anyone in RL who is objective enough not to just side with me so here is the only place I feel I can vent.

thanks to eveyone who has taken the time to offer their thoughts BTW

oh op. Have reread my last post and whilst I did mean what I said I think I could have made it sound less harsh in tone.... apologies for that. I dont honestly know whether such fundamental differences can be successfully resolved in the children's interests.... it all sounds very difficult for you. I wonder whether getting some counselling for yourself, ie an independent objective person to talk to might help? or wonder if parentline might be a useful resource? hth.

Alcohol fuelled dads and happy families? Doesn't happen.

You're happy to have a bad role model in your house from whom your sons will learn. It's when the going gets tough, that's when your dh's ingrained parenting differences will continue to rear its ugly head. The fact that he's a nice person the rest of the time is neither here nor there. Everyone has a sunny side.

Like I said before, my dh had a cold, unemotional step dad but the good thing is my dh has rejected that form of parenting and gives my ds all the cuddles and love in the world.

Sadly if if the change isn't coming from him no amount of you nagging and being defensive will ever change that.

What a sad life for your sons that you always have to be around to protect them from the mean things your husband says or does.

It doesn't matter if you are giving all the cuddles in the world if dh's view is that cuddles are not for boys - what kind of role model is he being - do you want your sons to grow up with the same issues?

OP, I'm not really an expert and I know it's hard to explain a whole relationship dynamic on the web. I wish I could give you some actual advice about how to manage this, but I can't think of anything really concrete that you could do. Absolutely honestly, from your posts, I don't think you can shield your children from your husband's issues - that they have any awareness of them as you seem to imply demonstrates this. How can they be anything but ambivalent about love offered by one parent which diminishes them in the eyes of the other? You and your DP are proto-relationships for them - atm you are teaching them that there is a calculation to be made - approval from here OR love from here. They deserve both love and approval in their primary relationship. Your DP may well be troubled and require support and help to get through it - but not at the expense of your children's present and future well-being.

Regarding the use of alcohol - my dad is a high functioning alcoholic in that he could always make it into work etc. and has recently kicked the booze. But my siblings and I have relationships which riddled with strategies which are about managing an alcoholic - not appropriate to normal, adult relationships - and really, really difficult to move beyond (I have had many years of therapy and my past relationships were markedly co-dependent nightmares. I have a book called An Adult Child[of alcoholics]'s Guide to What's Normal and the range of things which I didn't even realise were distorted in my own perceptions of relationships was utterly shattering when first I came across it). Alcoholics are part of family systems. When one person is alcoholic in the system, everyone shifts to accommodate that - that's why they call it co-dependence in AA. They may seem like minor shifts (not to much noise in the morning! don't discuss politics!) but the emotional price is very high for the children