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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Caligula · 05/01/2006 14:18

Go on harps, tell us, I know you're desperate to!

puff · 05/01/2006 14:18

lol yeah dish it harpsy

bossykate · 05/01/2006 14:18

enid, i thought you did everything round the house?

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getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 14:19

I don't see the point of tidying the house when the kids are out- they just mess it up within 5 minutes of getting home. TBH I don't see the point of tidying at all

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:19

I do mainly.

and the confusion is...where exactly?

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:20

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bossykate · 05/01/2006 14:20

i thought you were implying that your f/t working dh had a full load of housework to do in the evenings....

Piffle · 05/01/2006 14:20

Wow this was so inevitable that it would end up being an us against them kinda scenario.
I'm pretty much with Enid
But also take a clout at Caligula about not being there when your child learns to read
FGS its so last century to expect a school to teach your child to read, honestly do not leave it to them and NO offence to teachers. 1 teacher 30 kids as Enid says
It ain't rocket science
I would far rather be with my 3 yr old dd than work, thankfully I have that choice.

But parenting is great, your way is always the best way

harpsichordcarrier · 05/01/2006 14:21

yes I went back to work full time when DD1 was a year
full time nursery plus friends looked after her in the evenings because I had a long commute and couldn't get back for 6.
It was loads less tiring than being at home with her.
the house was sooooo tidy
no cooking
one nappy a day.......

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:21

no

he goes swimming/walking/shopping with them at the weekends is what I said (well we both do it but he is the one who works full time)

Caligula · 05/01/2006 14:21

Your DH does it Enid, but does he have someone (ie you) doing most of the domestic work throughout the resst of the week? And does Sugarbaby's sister have that?

Men very often get to do all the fun stuff with the kids while the women do the drudgy stuff. (I'm not saying that's the set-up in your house btw). Consequently, men are quite often more keen on spending the time with the little darlings and can't understand anyone who talks about it as work, when they all know it's pure leisure.

bossykate · 05/01/2006 14:22

sorry, i can't resist. my only exp of sahm-dom has been on mat leave and it is been a piece of p* both times compared to working.

Marina · 05/01/2006 14:22

I used to think that too baka and then we lost dd behind a dust bunnie the size of Luxembourg. Drastic action was called for...

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:22

but we do inevitably have boring house things to do at the weekends and they come with us

They would probably much rather be at nursery than made to traipse around Ikea arguing over light fixtures but hey ho thats life.

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:22

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Dinosaur · 05/01/2006 14:23

Marina...lol!

bossykate · 05/01/2006 14:23

yes, caligula, that's what i meant. i thought enid was saying that sugarmag's sister could do all the housework in the evenings because that's what her dh does. sorry was completed befuddled by that.

beejay · 05/01/2006 14:23

So last century to expect your child to learn to read at school? I thought that's what schools did?My daughter's school must be behind the times... they taught her to read beautifully ( or am I failing to miss the irony here?)

Enid · 05/01/2006 14:24

actually dh is very good at housework

crap at any 'family organising' though but thats pretty standard I would have though

I think maternity leave is a bit differnt though bk to being at home full time, full stop - I am looking forward to mine as it is finite

puddle · 05/01/2006 14:24

Yes Lockets. And surely you only need to 'clear out the spare bedroom' occasionally!

Caligula · 05/01/2006 14:24

Well piffle, there goes the literacy of the next generation of children with semi-literate parents then...

fancyhat · 05/01/2006 14:25

enid - what works for you might not work for everyone. I have been a f-t wohm a f-t stay at home mum and a p-t wohm. My kids are 5 and 3 so I've had 5 years to try find the best approach - like most people - I have, in my time, tried virtually every way of getting jobs done - without kids, with kids entertaining themselves, with kids infront of the telly , with kids asleep, yes, even with kids helping - no it's not rocket science, and you're not the only one to be aware of the options. I was just commenting that perhaps for them the kids not being there was the best approach and their motivation behind the one day at gps was to make their day together a better one. Don't know if it's true - it's just a possible interpretation of the facts. no need to jump up and down about it.

puff · 05/01/2006 14:25

Tbh, I do sometimes fantasise about only seeing the children for an hour each day, wheeled in just after their nursery tea and before they are taken away to be bathed.

lockets · 05/01/2006 14:25

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Aloha · 05/01/2006 14:25

Hey, I was there when my ds learned to read! I taught him!
It was extremely enjoyable for both of us.

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