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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
iota · 05/01/2006 17:45

why Dros? are you amazed by my domestic prowess?

drosophila · 05/01/2006 17:54

Too right. You must be or are in spirit a sahm.

Prufrock · 05/01/2006 18:02

Oh - have to jump to defense of bk here- she never said (and to my knowledge never has said) that benig a SAHM is a piece of piss.
Personally I find staying at home looking after 2 toddlers far more difficult than going to work when I didn't have any children. But I also know (and this is why I made the choice to be a SAHM) that working all day and then trying to be amother to 2 children in the evenings and weekends would be far worse than my current role, mindsappingly unfulfilling as it is.

When I did work with one child, I didn't spend time with my dd. We did have to look after her all weekend, but I can't say I actively looked forward to it. And when dh and I were off work we regularly used to send her into her paid for nursery. Admittedly not as early as usual, but we relished the time to do things together - and not always things that needed to be done either - we would actually [shock horror] enjoy ourselves without her, going to the cinema, out for lunch, shopping.... sometimes I miss those days[wistful emoticon]

I don't think I was alone as a first time mum who went back to work when my baby was 3 months old and existed in a kind of limbo land - half the pre-kids me and half a mum. It was a very strange time. My old values were still important (hence the expectation of "me time") and I didn't particularly enjoy my dd - I just found (and still do find tbh) small babies very boring. Things changed once she got older and moer interesting, which led to me getting pregnant again and becoming a SAHM.
I also think that there is somewhat of an expectation in some workplaces for woen to carryon as before when they have only one child. When i had 2, it was a valid excuse for me to not work because the childcare costs for 2 made working not worth it financially. I definately couldn't admit to a lot of people at work that I actually wanted to give it up. Well, not without being thought of as being incapable of being a supermum.

And I definatley don't think my dd has suffered because of her first 2 years experience. On the contrary. I ensured she was in the best environment we could pay for, with people there who actually enjoyed looking after her, and had plenty of stimulation. I sometimes think that ds has actually missed out by having just me looking after him (which is why I am now one of those lucky SAHM's who has childcare so I can have 2.5 hours to myself in the week)

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iota · 05/01/2006 18:04

just asked dh why marble rolling pins are used - and he replied that it was to keep the pastry cold and stop it sticking

now that's what I call impressive

and no he's not a SAHD

gomez · 05/01/2006 18:14

Without revisiting the ins and outs the OP was in fact loooking for reassurance that her views were correct "Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental,....." .

Just an observation.

Enid · 05/01/2006 18:18

Look everyone!

here is a picture of my favourite tea towel

sobernow · 05/01/2006 18:23

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bundle · 05/01/2006 18:25

my house is full of teatowels and flannels, but only one (dirty) apron, black n white cheffy check.

MaloryTowers · 05/01/2006 18:26

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Pruni · 05/01/2006 18:35

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sobernow · 05/01/2006 18:41

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cod · 05/01/2006 18:42

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cod · 05/01/2006 18:42

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Enid · 05/01/2006 18:42

apparently you have to have a clean apron if you work in radio sobernow

sobernow · 05/01/2006 18:43

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MaloryTowers · 05/01/2006 18:43

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Enid · 05/01/2006 18:43

tabard is the way forward

Enid · 05/01/2006 18:45

'o beautiful cook with the short blonde bob
i would o so like you to knead my knob
pat it and prick it and cover it with ghee
and bake it in the oven at gas mark three'

someone sent me that in a valentines card when I worked in a restaurant once.

malory's dh's ghee reminded me

sobernow · 05/01/2006 18:46

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MaloryTowers · 05/01/2006 18:47

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Enid · 05/01/2006 18:48

Landlady's overbite

is an anagram of

Enid's lovely tabard

cod · 05/01/2006 18:48

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bundle · 05/01/2006 18:50

enid, is your denim one one of those trendy ones from muji? i love those, so could be converted.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 05/01/2006 18:50

Have only read half of the thread..

I am a SAHM and i would love to send my kids to nursery for a couple of days a week. Mid-week I am ringing round my relatives to get someone to watch them for an hour. I am a mom but I am still a person too and I need time alone..

I think it is good for kids to go to nursery a couple of times a week, social skills and independance and all that

Also if i am not with them all the time then they are less likely to annoy me and get shouted at

As for the housework - If it doesnt get done then it doesnt get done, its not top of my list of priorities

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 05/01/2006 18:51

They used to go to nursery whilst I was at college - I want them to go back!

I would love a part time job, and am looking to get one

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