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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 15:17

I don't know that the original poster is being snidey- you know how families are- sounds like her sister is the golden girl.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 15:19

"Why have another one if she doesn't have time for the one she already has?"

That's snidey, IMO.

puddle · 05/01/2006 15:22

I agree with BK about the variables. I too found being at home much easier than combining working outside with being a parent.

It's extremely difficult to combine WOTH with being parent if you don't have the spare income to pay for eg a cleaner, mothers help, aupair etc. And a huge number of women who work do so to make ends meet in their families and just don't have the spare cash to do this. Or to shop at Ocado and have it delivered.

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bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 15:22

sorry but that is what i would secretly think about my friend, the one who works full time who told me she can't stand time being with her kids as they "do her head in". I would definitely think that if she got pg again and I wouldn't class it as snidey because its my opinion. I wouldn't say it to her though as I wouldn't like to upset her. I know she thinks I have wasted the last 2 years of my life being a SAHM and let my brain rot as she's told me to my face! God knows what she actually thinks in her head about me! Like it or not we do all make judgements about people ....

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 15:24

Yes, just because you work definitely doesn't mean you're rolling in it. We're definitely not, but then we live in London. No doubt some would say I should downsize (ha, from two bedrooms and one downstairs room plus kitchen I can touch both sides of standing in the middle!) to the wilds of Scotland somewhere so I could stay at home (but I'd have to kill myself because I'd not have any friends or relatives nearby).

nailpolish · 05/01/2006 15:26

i once said to a friend of a friend "i dont know how you can do that" when she told me she sends her baby to nursery 5 days a week, and on a sunday to grans so she can do things like shopping, go for lunch just her and her dh

(i was drunk but thats no excuse)

i had never heard of anything like this and was quite shocked

she said she and her dh like to have time just the 2 of them, and the one day a week she is off (she works mon-thurs) she does her cleaning

she doesnt speak to me anymore, and i feel dreadful about it

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 15:29

Bosscat, someone whose kids "do her head in" having another might be judgeable

But the OP hasn't told us that her sister thinks this about her son - or anything more about her financial situation, or state of mind, etc, etc.

That's what's winding me up - the notion that this woman is just having children she can't be bothered to look after on the say-so of a sister who might have all kinds of issues from childhood, etc.

Still, any excuse for the old WOHM/SAHM debate, eh?

Miaou · 05/01/2006 15:31

hunker, I live in the wilds of Scotland - you can come and live near me

puff · 05/01/2006 15:34

Hmmm box splits - give me 6 months and I'll report back

lockets · 05/01/2006 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bugsy2 · 05/01/2006 15:41

Blimey willies like rolling pins - or should that be the other way around? Aprons and a whole lot of judging. Can't wait to wade in!
Why feel especially sorry for that little boy. He has two parents, is probably well housed, he has a close extended family, including two grannies he gets to see bi-weekly. Sounds a pretty good set up to me. It is not essential for a child's healthy development to have the constant attention of its mother!!!! Other regular carers will do just as well.

mojomummy · 05/01/2006 15:52

Nailpolish - good on you for saying that !

Sugarbaby, I don't think you're being judgement at all. If that was my sister (or a friend) I'd feel the same way. Your sister, if she wanted her DS in nursery, could have taken him in for short days, rather than the full days

Sounds perhaps she does have difficulties. Some of the suggestions about inviting their family over sound good.

I think overall the loser is the little boy - how sad that his parents don't want to spend much time with him

Hope you manage to find someway to help him & them...

For the statistics - I work 3 days a week & DD has breakfast at home, then goes to nursery. I understand & appreciate about having timeout, but there is timeout & timeout

Enid · 05/01/2006 15:55

I have a fifties-style tabard with a floral print

A cath kidston apron

A french apron with artichokes on it

a denim apron

and a cream one with cows on (least fave)

one big wooden rolling pin
one small wooden rolling pin
and one marble rolling pin for pastry

Enid · 05/01/2006 15:57

at idea of splits when pg with bad pelvic pain

expatinscotland · 05/01/2006 15:58

I have a Valvona & Crolla apron.

And two rolling pins.

DD1 has an IKEA child's apron. She likes to help out!

iota · 05/01/2006 16:01

ds2 has a nice red apron which he will be modelling later as we make home-made pizza - the dough is in the breadmaker as I write....

(total picture of domestic bliss having farmed ds2 out to pre-school this morning as well as his 2 x full days at nursery)

Aloha · 05/01/2006 16:01

I loved my maternity leaves too.

Aloha · 05/01/2006 16:02

I kept on my cleaner! Mind you, she'd be absolutely heartbroken if I didn't keep her on - and that is true.

Bugsy2 · 05/01/2006 16:06

stop flaunting your extensive rolling pin collection Enid. I'm overcome with pin envy!

nailpolish · 05/01/2006 16:10

expat i really miss valvona and crolla

used to live round the corner

fancyhat · 05/01/2006 16:29

I think sugarbaby has been scared off. I also agree that coming on here and seeking opinions about her opinions indicates a hesitant to be judgemental type approach. (mental note, never title a thread, am I being judgemental) Enid - do you have a comparable collection of chopping boards? I assume there's no point in having a marble pin for pastry if you don;t have a marble board?

Bozza · 05/01/2006 16:35

I too have a marble rolling pin. Obviously I am a domestic goddess without realising it. Also have a fair trade apron. But on second thoughts - I use my marble rolling pin for everying - didn't realise you weren't meant to. .

Bugsy2 · 05/01/2006 16:48

does that mean your rolling pin is willy shaped too Bozza? (sorry to lower the tone!)

iota · 05/01/2006 16:53

marble is good for pastry as it's cold -- my mum has a glass rolling pin that you fill with water or ice to keep it cold.

we use our wooen rolling pin to bash meat - -don't think I'd use a glass or marble one for that

drosophila · 05/01/2006 17:43

Cant believe you posted that iota.

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