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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
oliveoil · 05/01/2006 15:04

childfree time when they are in bed? That's my only time, apart from when I work my 3 days.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 15:05

So this mum is working full time and pregnant.

I worked four days a week after I got pregnant again (worked two before that and DS was looked after by DH and my mum) - because I wanted the extra money when I was on maternity leave as maternity pay is calculated on what you earn before you go on mat leave.

I still think the OP is, in some ways, very jealous and being very snidey about her sister behind her back, which doesn't sit well with me - as for the overtones of smug from some of the posters on this thread (esp Lovecloud) - God, to be so perfect.

As for feeling sorry for the little boy - I feel more sorry for the mum who doesn't know how to connect with him and who has a smug backstabber for a sister.

bossykate · 05/01/2006 15:05

sorry, one more comment for you, lockets. sil has 5 children and recently started to work 4 days/week. she said it was a real eye opener and found working much harder than being at home. so i'm sorry i don't think there are any hard and fast rules about what is easy. even i would have said being at home with 5 was harder than working! but she said no.

Interested in this thread?

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bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 15:06

but wasn't it in fact you bossykate who made the assertion that being on maternity leave was a piece of piss compared to working? You are the only person I have ever heard say that BTW, most of my friends who work either P/T or FT admit how much easier it is being at work.

Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 15:07

I have a rolling pin shaped like a willy. It was a hen night prez. Does that qualify me to join the domestic goddess club? I don't have an apron...

puff · 05/01/2006 15:07

Agree bossykate about there being so many variables in personal circumstances, drawing comparisons are fairly meaningless.

I don't hold to the "Well if I have to/can do this, then why can't everyone else" approach to life. I can now do the splits but don't think less of my fellow human beings unable or unwilling to achieve this feat.

bossykate · 05/01/2006 15:08

bosscat, yes it was much easier for me than working is now.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 15:08

Puff, the idea of doing the splits when I'm due in 9 days has made my eyes water [wince]

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 15:08

oh don't say that I go back to work next week and was looking forward to the holiday

Caligula · 05/01/2006 15:09

I think hunkermunker has summed it up perfectly.

(The post before the splits one!)

fancyhat · 05/01/2006 15:09

being on maternity leave with one was - for me - a piece of piss. and no you can't possibly be a domestic goddess if you don't have a pinny. personally I think a home-made pinny with children's hand-prints is a minimum requirement

puff · 05/01/2006 15:09

lol Hunker, I admit I am very proud of myself - had severe SPD with ds2 and never dreamt I'd get this flexible again

lockets · 05/01/2006 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TeddyRobinson · 05/01/2006 15:10

oh come on, everyone can do the splits. you really are a very sad individual if you cannot

Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 15:10

Damn...

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 05/01/2006 15:10

I don't think she's being snidey, if you can't come on to an internet site with a fake name and be a bit judgemental then where can you? Unless of course no-one but me ever looks at anyone else's life and thinks "I'd never do it that way".

puff · 05/01/2006 15:10

I'm probably sad for being so damned chuffed about it

fancyhat · 05/01/2006 15:10

bet you can't do sideways splits, or whatever it's called

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 15:13

ah BK - I agree that getting things done around the children is very hard- I can't and don't, it just doesn't get done. That's why my day out (doing something I love) is so much easier for me, AND I come home to a sparkling house.

DH is in the same line of work as you (I think)- he says his working life is incredibly stressful AND his home life is incredibly stressful. Some of that will be ds1 related of course- might be different without that added factor.

We only dream of childfree/non work related time. Luckily I do enjoy the evening work I do- unfortunately dh hates his.

drosophila · 05/01/2006 15:13

I have been a sahm for a year and prior to that worked full time and used a nursery. I will be returning to PT work in March and am not looking forward to it. Being a sahm has it's ups and downs but nothing compares to the relentless tiredness of working full time and being a parent (my experience anyway). I really think it must shorten your life expectancy.

Don't know what your sister works at but if she feels she needs the break let her take it she is probably a better parent for the rest.

bossykate · 05/01/2006 15:13

i'm sorry, lockets, but you read far too much into my post and extrapolated my comment about my experience into a general statement about sahm-dom. i didn't say sahm-dom was a piece of p* - i said my exp of being at home was that compared to now when i'm back at work. sorry but it is.

TeddyRobinson · 05/01/2006 15:13

box splits FH.

could, not now though (although not tried)

Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 15:14

Sideways splits with multiple rolling pins in an apron... have we lost the point somewhere along the way?

Janh · 05/01/2006 15:14

Splits???

I couldn't do them when I could touch my toes (can barely reach my knees these days).

Roobie · 05/01/2006 15:17

We're all different of course but I have just gone back to work 3 days/week after maternity leave with ds (already have 3yo dd) - I can honestly say that I found maternity leave a doss as I also find my 2 days off during the week a doss. Not sure what I should be doing at home during the day but there is loads of time for playing with kids, a bit of housework, internet, cooking, going out etc. I also find my days at work pretty easy too though.
In no way is my own experience a comment on how it is for anyone else but this is just the way it is for me .... it's not really a pissing contest though is it? Why does something have to be hard for it to have any worth or merit?