Caught SIL raising her eyes today after I made DD another meal when she didn't want the first option..

[ScarlettIsWalking]

Is this so wrong?

On the odd occasion when DD says doesn't like her lunch/ supper I make her something else. It really isn't a big deal to me at all.

Today I made her penne with pomodoro sauce and she tried but didn't eat it, I asked her what she fancied and she said she would prefer Spaghetti with cheese sauce and broccoli, it took me all of 10 mins to prepare her another meal which she devoured and cleared the plate. I saw SIL was very surprised -in a negative way- that I did this.

I would much rather give her something she loves than force her to eat something she doesn't, what us the point in that? I feel it may give her messed up ideas about food. She is polite, well mannered and healthy. Actually a stranger commented to me at a cafe how lovely and well behaved she was, - that's an aside but I am trying to communicate that she is not brattish or anything.

This is how I was brought up - my Mother made different dinners for all our varying appetites in a family of 6 and I really don't see a problem with it. I suspect many other's do?

I check with visiting children before I cook. So no, I wouldn't cook anything else. I would offer them bread and butter as an alternative.

How old is your daughter? I definitely wouldn't do this unless my child was ill or underweight or something. I certainly wouldn't force her to eat if she didn't want something either but I don't have the time or energy to cook different things for different people. And even if I did I wouldn't! I'm sure your daughter is lovely but I do think there is definitely potential for her getting lots of not so great messages- that her wishes trump other people's, that there is no need to make an effort with food that's perfectly edible and tasty but not quite what she fancies, that women and mothers must make everything perfect in every way for those they love or the world ends.

Having said that I would have tried not to look surprised/negative if I were your sil.

Nope - I expect my children to eat what they are given or to do without.

Unless I have made something I know they don't like, in which case I would have made them an alternative initially (for example - my eldest won't eat spaghetti bolognaise, so if the rest of the family are having that then he will have spag and tomato sauce).

Otherwise I have found they start getting fussy and refusing to eat things just cos they "don't really fancy it", or would prefer something else, not because they actually don't like it.

Hpow many children do you have, OP? And how old?

Doesn't happen here either. They get asked what they want if then they don't eat it they don't get anything else cooked for them.

but what if you have several children and they all want something different? Will you open a restaurant?

I'm going for the opposite approach to the majority here. My children have to try it, if they do and don't like it they can have toast, if they won't try it, that's it, nothing else.

BUT I have taken this strategy after my first started off as a very fussy eater. If he genuinely had tried something and didn't like it, and the alternative took a few minutes as the OP describes, I would do it. I would be more likely to do this if he wasn't a fussy eater.

I would also eat lefovers for my dinner, not scrappy bits, but if there was a full meal that I liked the look of, why waste it?

Your be making a rod for your own back if you continue with this.

It's nice that you don't mind taking the effort to pls your child, but, in this instance, you should not let her decide what she eats.

It's costly, time consuming & you wouldn't do that at someones house would you?

You are confident that your dd does generally eat food offered, and doesn't mess you about - you are happy to spend 10 mons making something she has asked for and then eats so really, all is fine.

As you can see many people have principles about 'one choice, one chance' and maybe your SIL thought you were pandering to some acting up. In her family, if that had happened, it may have been the case.

Be easy with your own way of doing things unless you don't get the outcome you hoped.

Not a chance in my house, either. I do slight variations, eg cauli for one and broccoli for the other two. If they really don't like something, consistently, then I don't force it, but you can't do their favourite all the time. I think you are spoiling your DD, TBH. Just my opinion, you asked on MN, hope you can take opposing views.

Thank you for your constructive responses. DD is 4 btw and not overly fussy about food and has a small appetite and very tall and slight, she would have gone with nothing quite happily but I just like to see her eat and enjoy her food.

I think I will be even more specific about what she wants to eat before I cook and I realise that doing this is not the norm.

I think it is slightly unfair. my DD is 10 months so she can't be offered options yet and can be very picky and not eat her dinner, especially if it is something new. this is often a phase...

Scarlett, your post sounds like you made her a meal she hadn't had before, she tried it, didn't like it and you whipped her up something else. I imagine as you say she is well mannered and often out that at a friend's house she might just eat her less preferred option A. If it isn't a regular thing and she chose a healthy second option you didn't mind making I don't see a massive problem. It's not like you're saying you do this every day, and anyway food wars are a war you can never win against a child who won't eat something. I also wouldn't make a whole second meal as I wouldn't have the energy and couldn't whip something up that quick, but I would offer toasts. And i have had several fussy toddlers eat at my house and refuse the meal I made for them and my DD and have made them cheese on toast instead as I don't want to send guests away hungry!! I have had most of them back again, too!

If your SIL was there, were you all eating a meal together?

Sorry I would not do a different meal for anyone let alone a 4 year old. I do check if peole like what I am cooking if we have guests. The only way our dd eats something different to us is if we are having a spicy curry which is too strong for her.

In your SIL defence I would pull my face is I was at your house and my dd saw your dd ask for and get another meal when there was nothing wrong with the first one. My DD would whinge and whine at me for another meal at home just like your dd had.

My DD watches other childrens behaviour like a hawk and often mimics it if it is to her advantage so her seeing you do it would annoy me.

"My DD would whinge and whine at me for another meal at home just like your dd had."

yes, but why should another parent moderate what they do because another child is badly behaved? DS was never bothered enough about any food to whinge and whine for it. Your responsibility to let your child know that whinging and whining is not OK - not another parent's responsibility to help you stop yours whining!

I am taking the OP at her word that her dd just didn't take to the new sauce and would prefer something she already knew she liked - after trying it. Some kids DO just play it straight re food (especially if no rules and battles are set up) and don't use it as a way to manipulate for somethiung different.

Thank you z123 you have understood my approach

May I just say one last time before I go

DD DID NOT ASK ME FOR ANOTHER MEAL, NOR "WHINGE" OR COMPLAIN SHE HAS A VERY SMALL APPETITE AND WOULD HAVE HAPPILY GONE WITHOUT ANYTHING.

I think some posters are finding it hard to note that I made this meal of my own volition as not to see her go with nothing until tomorrow morning. It is not the norm and I have noted this. I now realise many people find this particular thing a no-no as we all do in different areas of parenting. I suppose after reading responses here food was just something I/we were all bit indulged over as children in my family. It certainly wasn't the case in other areas so there you go.

I have 3 DC and a tight budget...I cook one family meal, the children eat all or some of the meal parts. Or they have bread. I don't want my DC to be under the impression I'm the maid. Nor do I have the funds to throw food away that they don't choose to eat. If there's a genuine dislike (DS doesnt like liver) then they have the bits of the meal they like. They'll fill up tomorrow.

I would be doing the face alongside your SIL...I dont think the messages about food you're sending are great ones. Also, if she chooses her food every day, I cant see how she ensures she gets all her nutritional needs met or that she's likely to broaden her food horizons much.

I would not ask her to moderate her behavior but would honestly roll my eyes which is apparently all her SIL did. Not fancying a meal to me is really not a good enough reason to not eat it. If I was at any friends house I would eat what they had gone to the trouble of preparing as I feel it is bad manners to refuse. I personally think asking for another meal is bad behaviour and I would obviously talk to my dd about it if and when she did whine.

I am just trying to give the OP an explanation as to why the SIL might have rolled her eyes.

On the other hand if my mother would have been there the OP and her dd (and anyone else within 500yard) would have been given a full on lecture on starving children, cost of food, cost of gas/electricity, making a rod for your own back, how children shoud be seen and not heard etc etc etc

That's fine if it worked for you - one child, no bother to make another meal.

Wouldn't happen in my house! We have more of a table d'hote menu than an a la carte one

Personally I offer a sandwich if DD doesn't like her dinner. It's not that it would be a hardship for me to cook something extra, it's more the principle of not wanting her to expect it at home or elsewhere.

However, my DD is a healthy size so if she skips a meal I wouldn't be bothered.

I don't think you were unreasonable but I can understand why SIL raised an eyebrow.

I would have done the same OP

Oh, I completely understand why in general parents do NOT whizz back and forth to the coooker making alternative meals!