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Original poster

How do you get your partner to share the parenting?

154 replies

Blondeinlondon · 20/11/2005 23:06

How can I get my partner to take an active part in parenting our child?

DS is 9 mths.
Unless I leave explicit instructions when I go out then he does not get fed etc. I went out yesterday and said he needs his lunch and then dinner by 5.
Called home at 5.15 to hear the sound of crying.
By the time I was back DS had cried himself to sleep. Neither lunch nor dinner had been provided. When he woke I did the dinner etc, bath, bedtime.

How can I get DH to do his share?

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colditz · 20/11/2005 23:07

That's neglect, and if he doesn't care that he left his child hungry, he never will. Leave him.

starlover · 20/11/2005 23:09

god BiL! he didn't feed him????????

I don't know tbh. A while back I was relly down about doing everything round the house while dp felt that because he went to work he didn't have to do anything.
I ended up writing him a really long e-mail about how I felt... and things did change.

Having said that he has always been fantastic when left alone with ds.
I think in the early days I tended to do everything just because I got it done quicker and with less fuss... especially with regards to loooking after ds and I had to force myself to take a back seat for a while.

when you're all at home does your dp look after your ds?

needarest · 20/11/2005 23:11

I agree with colditz - leave him

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lockets · 20/11/2005 23:11

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Caribbeanqueen · 20/11/2005 23:12

That's really awful and definitely neglect.

What had your dh been doing all day instead of caring for ds?

Original poster
Blondeinlondon · 20/11/2005 23:24

I expect he had been on the computer most of the time
DS had been given some milk but that was it

Just feeling fed up of having to give instructions for everything

This morning I wanted DH to give DS his breakfast but DH's shower and computer stuff took too long so I had already fed DS when DH appeared.
I told DH that DS was fed and ready for nappy change/ dressing - I asked if he could take over - he said sure but wanted to leave DS in his highchair until he'd had his breakfast!

OP posts:
starlover · 20/11/2005 23:27

you really need to tell him to get his act together.

how does it make you feel? how is your relationship otherwise?

i mean, people here are saying leave him but it isn;y necesarily as simple as that...

needarest · 20/11/2005 23:30

Sorry but if a DH cant be bothered to feed his own DS then there is something very wrong

colditz · 20/11/2005 23:43

I think it is as simple as that.

Worst case scenario - BiL dies. Baby left at home with dad.

definate scenario - BiL is never ever going to feel safe to take some time to herself. If he can't be bothered to feed a baby what else will he not bother to do? Will he stop a toddler going upstairs? Will he keep it away from a boiling kettle? Will he pick it up from school, or get engrossed on the computer? Will he notice if a five year old wanders out of the house and doesn't come back, or get engrossed on the computer?

She is better off leaving him, because the probability is he will be too engrossed on the computer to remember visiting rights, and baby can forget him.

men get away with a lot because women just say "Men are like that" but nobody would get away with leaving a baby to cry with hunger while they play on a computer. It is neglect, pure and simple.

BadHair · 20/11/2005 23:43

Yes, there's something wrong with a man who can't even be bothered to feed his own child. I've had run-ins with my dp over sharing housework, childcare etc., but he would never, ever forget to feed his own child. Especially if he was crying.
What did he think he was crying for, FFS?
Tell him to get his act together or you'll be out of the door.

needarest · 20/11/2005 23:46

no - he'll be out the door

hunkermunker · 20/11/2005 23:51

Kick him out. Will be kill or cure.

How can you love a man who treats your son like this?

needarest · 20/11/2005 23:52

what was his reason for not giving dinner or lunch?

Ironmaiden · 20/11/2005 23:58

Holy crap! Feeding is not "doing his share", it's basic human rights for your baby! Don't leave him, kick him out. Acctually, no, cut his nuts off, then kick him out.
I'm shocked.

lockets · 20/11/2005 23:59

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hunkermunker · 20/11/2005 23:59

Yep, agree. If it's about putting the laundry on, or remembering to put the bin out, that's "his share".

Had he changed your DS's nappy in the time you were out? He is aware that "lunch" and "dinner" meant more than milk, right?

starlover · 21/11/2005 00:03

i think people MAY be being a bit harsh.

i mentioned this thread to dp and his first reaction was "maybe he didn't realise that he needed food, perhaps he thought that just meant milk"

which is why i said that it isn't always as simple as "kick him out, it's neglect"
and also why i asked how much he is involved when BiL is there.

I am not saying that ignorance is any form of excuse... but men seem to NEED explicit instructions. I have to say to dp "here is linus's lunch, it's in the green pot on the middle shelf in the fridge,. his pudding is in the yellow one"

oh, and this evening i left linus to cry in his cot. is that neglect?

sparklymieow · 21/11/2005 00:03
Shock
Ironmaiden · 21/11/2005 00:04

My DH has just made the point that if the RSPCA caught you not feeding your dog they would take the dog away.

Tortington · 21/11/2005 00:14

i'd forget to feed the dh - after the computer went out the fking top floor window.

colditz · 21/11/2005 00:16

I am assuming though, starlover, that you fed him before putting him to bed! this baby hadn't been fed since breakfast, no wonder he was crying, he must have been so hungry.

How can you have a 9 month old baby and not know that dinner is not just milk? My ds would have been hysterical by then at that age.

what he did was neglect. he simply didn't bother feeding the baby.

bobbybob · 21/11/2005 00:18

BiL - had you left food? Dh did get dramatically better at looking after ds once ds could tell him what needed doing, but I doubt he would have ever let him go without food.

Do you have mobile phone? You would have thought he would have called to say "what do i give him".

nightowl · 21/11/2005 00:38

i would be furious. there's no excuse for that. its not about doing his share, far from. anyone with half a brain would know a child needs to be fed...how could anyone not know?

when dd was around the same age i had a partner (not my childrens dad) and one morning i came downstairs to find both children dressed and fed and perfectly happy. i was totally shocked, i handnt known him very long. things may not have worked out, but he was really good and kind to my children, treated them like his own. if a childs own father cant even do the basics then what hope is there?

sorry, i dont mean to be awful but it just sounds like "cant be bothered" to me.

mummytosteven · 21/11/2005 10:04

why didn't he feed DS? did he genuinely not realise that he needs solid food rather than several bottles of milk per day - clutching at straws but I'ld say that's the only context in which his actions are remotely forgiveable. otherwise his behaviour has been pretty awful.

Enid · 21/11/2005 10:06

that is seriously weird

agree with custy on this one.