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Original poster

How do you get your partner to share the parenting?

154 replies

Blondeinlondon · 20/11/2005 23:06

How can I get my partner to take an active part in parenting our child?

DS is 9 mths.
Unless I leave explicit instructions when I go out then he does not get fed etc. I went out yesterday and said he needs his lunch and then dinner by 5.
Called home at 5.15 to hear the sound of crying.
By the time I was back DS had cried himself to sleep. Neither lunch nor dinner had been provided. When he woke I did the dinner etc, bath, bedtime.

How can I get DH to do his share?

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Original poster
Blondeinlondon · 21/11/2005 10:08

No I had not left out food.
DH knows where the food is and I thought he could manage to choose and open a jar but apparently not.
I attempted to talk to him about it this morning but didn't get anywhere.
He seemed to believe that because DS didn't cry for his lunch that he didn't need to give him any

He has this week off work so I will see if I can get him to feed DS a meal while I am here

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/11/2005 10:12

Oh, please! A man is a grown adult, old enough to father a child. How insulting can you get? He does NOT need explicit instructions on how to fix food. Does his mummy still feed him?

Hell, my husband stays at home w/our DD during the day. He has learning disabilities, but as an adult he understands that children and babies need to eat, have their nappies changed, etc.

WTF, how can you be THAT out of touch with your own child that you think it just needs milk? Do you not see your partner or wife feeding it food?

I agree w/teh others, this is neglect. He'd be out the door.

dinosaur · 21/11/2005 10:14

Blondeinlondon - so he didn't accept, at all, that he criminally neglected your baby son yesterday? I am really shocked by this, so shocked I can hardly believe it. What age is your DH?

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compo · 21/11/2005 10:16

imo he sounds like he didn't do it so that you would think twice about going out again on your own. You have to get him to do his share otherwise you face a miserable time of it over the next 18 years

coppertop · 21/11/2005 10:19

Does he really pay so little attention to his own child that he has never seen him eat solid food???

Original poster
Blondeinlondon · 21/11/2005 10:19

He is 29
He is fine with me going out but wants me to leave everything ready for food etc

How do I get him to do his share?

OP posts:
coppertop · 21/11/2005 10:22

Remove the leads/plugs etc from the computer and take them out with you.

Enid · 21/11/2005 10:25

you have to try to nip this in the bud

Is he at a loss generally with the new baby? Does he realise that his life has changed now? Can you arrange for him to take the baby out somewhere so he isnt tempted by the PC?

kama · 21/11/2005 10:26

This reply has been deleted

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compo · 21/11/2005 10:26

you get him to do his share by pointing out that he is a parent, a grownup and an adult and that you will leave him if he doesn't

compo · 21/11/2005 10:27

you could also get him to do his share by printing out this thread and making him see what other people think of this behaviour

puff · 21/11/2005 10:31

I think you have to have a serious serious discussion with him. Try to stay calm, but if it were me, I would be making it crystal clear that his current attitude cannot go on, else as a family you cannot go on.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2005 10:46

I don't know that I'd want to share anything w/a person whose computer seems more important than his kid.

Miaou · 21/11/2005 10:50

I know the food thing is the paramount issue here, but it occured to me that if he ignored the cries of hunger, then he probably didn't take care of any other needs either, eg playing, talking, interacting with him?

sweetkitty · 21/11/2005 10:53

My DP used to get all in a panic when I left DD with him, he would get me to recite everything with times and would write it down. He's calmed down a little bit now and is more relaxed about things like feeding DD (mainly because she's older and eats most of what we do).

At weekends I take a back seat and DP will get DD up and feed her/change her etc I'm still around to ask but I let him get on with it. Maybe doing that a bit more would help him see DS's routine???

I do think you really have to have a good talk with him as leaving your son hungry all day is unacceptable. Would also worry about him thinking it's fine to be on the PC all day too that's fine when he's still a baby but in a few months he'll be crawling and walking and it's a whole new ball game he won't be able to spend hours on the PC then.

Ironmaiden · 21/11/2005 10:57

Blondeinlondon, you sound so calm over all this, and everyone else is outraged. Has it always been this way? 9 months is a long time, has DH never taken an active role in parenting?

moondog · 21/11/2005 11:27

What a weirdo!!!!

colditz · 21/11/2005 11:30

Good talk with him? I would be trying to get him arrested!

Good God, I would not be trying to get this man to spend more time with a child he has proven he has no interest in. I would be trying to get him as far away from the baby as possible.

beejay · 21/11/2005 11:38

Really I don't think this is the end of the world and I'm afraid it irritates me a bit that the stock response to someone's partner being a bit crap is to say 'leave him'. Some people don't 'get' parenting straight away particularly if there has been a very hands on mother around organising it all...

I strongly believe that with a bit of practise and training most people can get it right...

A 9 months old baby is not going to starve whilst drinking milk

(sorry don't mean to offend, just personal opinion)

dinosaur · 21/11/2005 11:40

"a bit crap"? Jesus, woman, her DH left the little boy without lunch or dinner, and to cry himself to sleep. That is more than "a bit crap".

soapbox · 21/11/2005 11:44

Some people don#t get parenting straight away

How difficult is it to open a jar of baby food and feed your baby?

Why does someone always pull the old 'poor men, how can they be expected to get parenting' answer in response to blatent neglect of a baby!

Geez, they've got brains you know, they are capable of thinking. Many many fathers are involved and caring parents, but of course that involves putting someone else first!

I think this is unspeakably selfish of your DH and like the others I would be incapable of spending a second in his company until I was totally reassured that he was going to smarten his act up immediately!

Caligula · 21/11/2005 11:46

Get divorced.

Then they suddenly demand 50 50 parenting.

Pity they're not so in favour of it when they're married.

Enid · 21/11/2005 11:46

I do agree that men can be particularly clueless about parenting.

blonde, you say your baby was crying when you called. Do you think he was crying because he was hungry? did your dh give any idea why he thought he might be crying?

soapbox · 21/11/2005 11:46

Calligula

Nightynight · 21/11/2005 11:56

BlondeinLondon - what your dp did was way out of order, but maybe he just needs training.

I used to leave absolutely everything ready for my dx. And Id come back and the kitchen would be a battlefield! Every single item of food that the children could possibly fancy would have been opened and offered to them, and probably spilt on the floor etc etc. If they cried, he panicked.
Now, he is looking after the children on his own. He buys their food, cooks it and washes up afterwards! Yes, I know we all do that, but the point Im making is that he has come so far since the early days.

So, if it was me, Id give your dp another chance. Leave everything out for him next time, including spoon and bib for your ds, and train him gradually. With luck, he'll look back this time next year and be horrified at what he did. If he doesn't, then I have to say, Id probably ditch him.