How do you get your partner to share the parenting?

[Blondeinlondon]

How can I get my partner to take an active part in parenting our child?

DS is 9 mths.
Unless I leave explicit instructions when I go out then he does not get fed etc. I went out yesterday and said he needs his lunch and then dinner by 5.
Called home at 5.15 to hear the sound of crying.
By the time I was back DS had cried himself to sleep. Neither lunch nor dinner had been provided. When he woke I did the dinner etc, bath, bedtime.

How can I get DH to do his share?

Oh God, the thought of having to leave everything out for what is supposed to be an adult.

No wonder I'm single.

If you genuinely think he is trainable, you can insist that the two of you take turns (while you are still around) - then he gets to learn what to do without being able to shirk. That's how we did it - doing alternate mornings, for instance. It was hard work and we were not always friends through it.

Caligula, Im just being realistic! If theyve had no experience, how do you expect them to manage all by themselves the first few times? Preparing meals only looks obvious to us because weve done it so many times.

If I have to do anything with the car, I need the Haynes manual to explain it to me in words of one syllable. Unless Ive done it before of course.

'Caligula, Im just being realistic! If theyve had no experience, how do you expect them to manage all by themselves the first few times? Preparing meals only looks obvious to us because weve done it so many times.'

As long as women allow stereotypes like this about men to perpetuate, we'll have threads like this popping up.

These are adults with normal intelligence we're talking about, who just happen to have a Y chromosome and a penis, not chimps in need of training.

yeah but they are shit though

you do have to train them

Um, I had no experience either, the first few times.

Most new mothers don't. But we don't starve our kids do we?

Because we know the buck stops with us.

I do agree with all those who say that this looks like unbelivable behaviour, however I have also met (not implying this is you, btw blondeinlondon) mothers who do not allow their partners to do anything at all, criticise them if they try, and then wonder why they don't do anything. It is very easy to disempower someone (even if they are grown up), if you want to parent equally you have to let go, and some mothers I know just can't accept that there may be other ways of doing things. But then my dh is a SAHD, so I know he can do it, often (although not always) better than me.

expat, everybody needs training the first few times they do a new activity - even grown ups. I taught myself baby and childcare, and I did make a few mistakes at first. There is no doubt, that dd2 (the 4th child) got better care than dd1, the eldest, as a baby.

If you can teach yourself, NN, and I can teach myself, and practically every single mother on the planet (except the deeply dysfunctional ones) can, how comes men can't?

agree, caligula! but its still a question of educating them.

NN - what part of this do you think BiL's DH needed training for?

Standing up
Going to the cupboard
Getting out a jar
Opening a jar
Putting babe in the high chair
Putting a bib on babe
Putting spoon into pot then into babe's mouth
Put empty pot in bin
Put bib in wash basket
Get babe out of highchair
Wipe down highchair
Eff off back to the computer!

Precisely what would he need training on????????

My point exactly, Caligula! I had NO experience of babies or infants when I had DD, nor did DH. We muddled through, no 'training' required. I mean, we both knew how to make food for us to eat already, fgs.

Educating 'them'. Sorry but that sounds incredibly patronising.

sorry, x post.
Most men can teach themselves, given space. But what they cant do, is reproduce in every tiny detail, every routine exactly as their wife/girlfriend does it, without being shown how first. And that's what people on mumsnet sometimes seem to expect!

Sorry, if this has all been resolved, I haven't read the whole thread but I think you should tell him that social services would get involved if they knew. It is neglect. I agree with Coldtiz.

'And that's what people on mumsnet sometimes seem to expect! '

I see a major difference between expecting another person to perform a task exactly the way I do it, and performing it all.

FWIW, I don't expect others to attend my child's needs exactly the way I do - my daughter is cared for during the day primarily by her father, her grandparents, my parents, etc.

But she IS fed, played with, attended to, etc.

Agree, there's a hell of a difference between a man doing the job slightly more haphazardly, with more mess left on the high-chair, at a different time, in a different room, or whatever, and not doing the job at all.

I once told my xp that if I ever came home and found him drunk in charge of our child again, I would call the police. And I meant it. And I would have done. There's a hell of a difference between neglect and just doing the job differently.

Hi, i think leaving him is ott. What he did was wrong but he needs another chance. My dp didnt have a clue about what to do with my dd. Shes now 15 months, ive only left her with him once. He finds it hard to know what she wants, and hes admitted this to me. I told him what to do, when to feed etc. I left out the food ready and even nappies etc to remind him!!! Mayb your man is finding it hard and mayb doesnt want to admit it to you, i mean 9months down the line he should be able to know what lil one wants so talk to him and ask him to get more invloved....oh another thing i had to do to make my dp learn...when baby needs feeding, put him on his lap and give him the food/bottle and MAKE him do it!!! It works!!

soapbox - all of it, obviously. And if you look at my previous post, I said that if it was me, Id expect him to learn quickly or our relationship would probably be over. there's no point ranting and blaming because a man has come from a background where he isnt educated in looking after himself and others. The question is, how quickly can he learn what he should know?

expat - why is that patronising?
My dx does all sorts of stuff round the house. However, if I need to do one of the jobs that he normally does, I ask him where the tools are, and how to do the job. Thats just common sense, surely? He isnt patronising me by telling me!

It's patronising to assume that a man/partner isn't capable of doing a job related to parenting unless led by the hand, IMO. BiL left out/told him where the jars are. It's not changing a timing belt, fgs, not that hard to figure out how to open one and feed the baby.

but expat, changing a wheel on the car is p*s easy. If you'd never done it before, would it be reasonable to tell you that the tools are in the boot, get on with it?

No. Leave. Or kick his arse and make sure he NEVER does it again.

He needs to CARE for his child that's all, no one should need teaching for that!

Nightynight - so who had to teach you to feed your baby?

Let's see, NN, jacking up a car, pulling hte lugnuts off v. walking 3m to the kitchen, getting a jar out of cupboard, a spoon out of a drawer, and sitting on the floor spoon feeding a child. Which is easier?

He knew where the jars were. Obviously he's opened a jar in the past, perhaps to feed himself. Might even be capable of using a spoon to feed himself on occassion.

Apples and oranges.