How do you get your partner to share the parenting?

[Blondeinlondon]

How can I get my partner to take an active part in parenting our child?

DS is 9 mths.
Unless I leave explicit instructions when I go out then he does not get fed etc. I went out yesterday and said he needs his lunch and then dinner by 5.
Called home at 5.15 to hear the sound of crying.
By the time I was back DS had cried himself to sleep. Neither lunch nor dinner had been provided. When he woke I did the dinner etc, bath, bedtime.

How can I get DH to do his share?

BiL, you started this thread asking for help with getting your dh in doing his share. I'm going to try and give you some help - but I know how difficult it is to get anyone to change their habits (especially lazy ones - I'm a secondary teacher!).

Giving really explicit instructions is one way, but you may find yourself even more amazed at his inability to follow instructions. You tried just trusting him yesterday (which I think is a better method than patronizingly explicit instructions), but it didn't work.

How much do you chat together about ds? Do you tell dh all the wonderful, annoying, silly, amazing things that ds does? Do you talk about how he blows raspberries through his food or attempts to knock the jar off the table? Do you talk about how amazing it is that he rarely cries any more, or that he's getting so grown up because he now keeps regular meal times? Obviously this sounds really trite because it's just all written down out of context. However, dp used to play his PS2 constantly after ds1 was born (and just after ds2 was born too). It was only when he became interested in and excited by the babies that he started doing his share. We are now totally equal parents (well, he does ds1 better, and I do ds2!) But even now if I tell him something and give him minute instructions he may still get a strop on and say I'm insulting him!

Im not saying that this is a good enough reason to not feed your child, but adding to fisils post, many men I know have admitted that they werent particularly interested in their children until they could 'do' things.

god, I do love mumsnet when you all go off into the clouds and start pretending that there is no difference between men and women.

He doesnt need training because hes a man.
He needs training because he hasnt got a clue.
Which is sadly, true of many men.
But of course your sons will be different

and btw, I agree with Caligula's last point about accosting a stranger on the street rather than letting the baby starve - but I would still try an intensive training program before divorce.

It's just willful ignorance though Nightnight. It's pathological to ignore a crying baby for hour upon hour.

mt - I havent excused his behaviour anywhere.

I know, I'm just saying it's pathalogical!

My BIL is a bit like this and he blames it on being a man. IMO it's not a male thing is being an idiot.

Yep, and idiocy knows no gender boundary!

But NN, that's true of most women too when they first become mothers. We have no more inate knowledge than men have.
Neither DH or myself had any idea what to do. But, we read about it togther, discussed it together and practised it together. This is what equal partners do in a relationship.
And yes my son will be different to BIL's DH. For my money, sex education is all about equiping your kids to find a partner they can communicate with and respect. (As well as all the fun bits!)

DH is currently bathing DS. He freely admits to not being interested in pregnancy or tiny babies (except his own, who fascinated him), but has looked after DS at least one day a week while I've been at work for the last 13 months (since DS was 6mo).

We talk about DS a lot, he knows what he likes, needs, etc, etc - DH is a hands-on dad who really wants to be involved in his upbringing. It's that desire that seems to be lacking with a lot of these useless men.

And it's all very well not being interested in them till they're older and "do stuff" - they won't get to that age if they're not bloody fed, will they?!

innate obv

i always wonder why its so easy for fellas to walk away from kids. i would say it much be a sh*tload easier if you never felt they depended on you or needed you, if you never did anything for them or were an active part in their lives.

some may even get more contact after divorce when sitting in macdonalds.

i do agree with the point that i had no previous knowledge i did not recieve an instant download - a la matrix on how to bath a kid or feed it or change it.

a basic human knowledge would suggest that kids need feeding occasionally.

now, having thought about it - maybe the kid cries all the time - and dad thought 'f*ck me he's off' and didn't think he needed feeding.

however he should have tried.

when my son - my eldest was a baby my husband was a twat of the highest proportions. i worked part time as a bar maid for some extra money - i used to fix the tabs on the nappy in such a way as whether i knew he has been changed.

some men are just arseholes - they think its a game " how much can ig et away with not doing?"

grow -up twthead - its your kid. share some of the responsability or fck off. seriously.

this man is a lazy turd. he needs a kick up the arse not training.

BlondeinLondon-would he rather be down the pub-sounds like it

I can't quite believe this thread!

I would have had to live with a bucket on my head and a carrot in each ear for 9 months not to have noticed the daily feeding routines.

As it is I'm the main cook - including making up and freezing down of meals for little people (not the sort that live at the bottom of the garden - they can fend for themselves!).

This guy is coming from such an alien stand point from myself, I just can't figure out what makes him tick. If he thinks that a day or week's paid employment entitles him to a rest then he should try full time child care. I have a paid full time job and can find that exhausting but upon entering the house at the end of the day am straight into feeding/bathing/entertaining/changing duties. Why? Because I know that my wife will be knackered from looking after the kids and besides which they're my children and the person I'm relieving/helping is my wife, they love me and I love them. Sitting with one's head in a computer/newspaper/glued to the telly is a damn strange way of showing you love your family.

My recommendation is to make him do a full day's childcare (whilst you're around to make sure that it's not skimped) to teach him how knackering it can be. Then he'll learn to go to work for a rest!

Justadad ill be first in the orderly queue should you decide to leave your wife

Ah, the return of the lovely Justadad!
Responses such as his show exactly how different men can be as parents. To me it seems insulting to assume that they'll be useless, when some of them so clearly aren't, but then the cases that are clueless leave me dumbfounded, really. I speak as someone that really didn't know one end of a baby from the other before ours arrived - I suppose I feel that if I can work out what to do (and I'm not famed as a practically minded person!), then surely anyone can???
I do feel that it's not for anyone to say what someone 'should' do with regard to their relationship, but I do feel that this chap needs a serious reality check on what's important in life.

I cannot repeat what my partner has just said on being read your initial post, bil. Too rude. Agree with Custy- this might be a get act together or leave situation.

your first post was shocking, but i'm kind of thinking I might know where you are coming from, and i know you wanted some advice.

have you tried writing down simple step by step instructions? this is what I did with dh and it worked brilliantly. It has the added bonus of being a permanent record so you don't have to go through it all again the next time you are out. I did the whole routine - ie: what time everything happened, where to find what he needed for each activity and key tips if, for eg, ds doesn't want to eat - does he need a drink first? if you give him all the possible information he needs, and point him directly at the food, he has no choice, and you've got grounds to go absolutely bollistic if he doesn't care for your child adequately.
also, i seem to remember that the period from 6 - 12 months is a bit of minefield in terms of which foods to give them in what month, so possibly could have been worried that he'd give him the wrong foodstuffs.
finally, i wondered whether your dh is finding life with your ds difficult to adjust to and whether this apparent reluctance to care for your child is masking something else that needs talking about.

to OP - don't feed him either

Yeah on a more practical note. I agree with typed out instructions. My dd has an 'ongoing' instruction manual that goes with her to Grannies etc as I always forget to up date them on changes to bed times, meals etc. They need it less now but did when dd under a year as things change alot in a couple of months.

When dd very small I used to have to leave her covered in 'post-it' notes to remind dh what to do:

eg: 12 noon - lunch please, 2pm - bit sleepy, into cot please, 4pm - please can I have a beaker of milk daddy?

I must admit dh did forget to give dd lunch once. I phoned up and it was around 2 - 3pm, dd was crying in background. DH said 'I just don't know whats wrong with her I've tried everything', I said ' Did she eat much lunch love?' He said ' Ahhhhhhh, lunch' {sound of penny dropping from great height'

Two meals forgotten is a bit excessive, but baby had had milk. My dh used to do very little childcare as he was away most of week that at weekends he seemed almost 'scared' to.

I'm sorry, but it still seems strange to me that blokes 'need' a cribsheet of how to look after their children. OK, lots of blokes work long hours (mine does too) but aren't they around enough at weekends/days off to notice what goes on? Maybe I've been boring my dh with the detail of domestic life, but I know that if I'm not around, things carry on pretty much as usual with him (OK, he might struggle to bf the baby!). I do feel that we operate as a partnership; I'm obviously very lucky in that respect and maybe shouldn't take it for granted - but then, I do feel that that's only reasonable - they're his children too!
I'm sorry, that doesn't help with the original question. As I said before, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else that they "should" finish a relationship, but surely there's got to be some very serious conversations and a re-jig in terms of priorities? It does sound as if he's struggling to adjust to the respnsibilities of parenthood.

What about women who struggle to come to terms with the responsibility of parenthood and don't feed their babies? do we leave them lists?

No, we call effin Social Services!!!
I cannot believe how many people here are justifying this man's neglect of a baby!!1

agree colditz

I would have my dh's head on a stick if he did this

Well I think that I am going to crow here AND pat Justadad on the back.

My DH has just become a SAHD for the first time in a while (he is an actor so often between jobs, but not for ages) Anyway on DAY 1 of having 2 kids (OK after school only) he fixed up two playdates (kids to come to us) sorted menus for the week (OK with a bit of help from me) did homework that I haven't done for weeks!! and generally did a fab job

OK I am boasting, but I am so proud of him