what are the reasons for NO smacking?

[hermykne]

I AM CURIOUS to know, folling the other thread, as my dd is so bold at the moment nothing gets thru to her, even putting her in a time out room for 2/3mins, shes 3. she will keep on screaming and then hit something or push something over.
can last 40mins and no matter how you go over the matter with her when shes calm, she doesnt seem to learn anything,
and i suppose smacking will not make her understand either...
but what does smacking create or instill in behavourial patterns in yours opinions?

enid, this isnt the 1st time she has hit her brother and caused him an injury.

i know that violence will not solve the bad behaviour, but i got such a shock this morn that she turned so quickly against him, she knew what she was doing, that i slapped her.

what does one do when their child will not listen to reasoning? shes 3. she will scream and scream for up to forty mins if i put her in her room and hold the handle, i havent actually done 40mins at the door but maybe 5 and she'll come screamng out.

of course i am concerend she'll do it to me or to another child more so. i think i am at a threshold of a behavioural stage with her.
and really i am looking for similar situations with some good advice not single statements without advice or consolation?

sorry haven't read whole thread

i don't smack (yet). before ds was born i just disliked the idea and hoped to try other things. now i know that i appear to have a latent streak of temper i had no idea existed. i think if i mentally 'allowed' myself to smack it would not be a controlled, organised punishment but could be a lashout that could get out of control.

A screaming child has to be ignored or removed from the room. Screaming mustn't be rewarded with any sort of attention, even smacking.

my parents were very pro smacking. I think they were ott, and carried it on far too long. But at the end of the day it didn't do me any harm. I was well enough behaved because of it. I hope not to repeat their mistakes though. I won't still be smacking dd when she is older and I wouldn't ever beat them.

Hitting adults isn't acceptable behaviour so I agree with others who say it isn't acceptable to hit children either.

I don't buy the argument "But we don't put adults in time out, take a toy away or ground them" Adult punishments may not have those titles but surely prison is a form of time out, tagging or probabtion curfews are a form of grounding.

If someone misbehaves at work, they don't get warnings and then a smack, they get warnings and then a dismissal - the consequence is that they lose their job and their pay.

If two adults start to get het up and confrontational, another rational adult will suggest the argumentative pair sit apart and cool off (like time out) no-one rational suggests that they hit each other.

agree with spidermama on that point. I've always ignored screaming.

i have smacked ds in the past (hes 13 now) but i will admit that the reason is when ive been pushed to the limit. it didnt help matters. the way i think is that if i dont do what someone else wants, are they going to hit me? i like to think not! so why is it ok to hit someone tiny? i have a dd now, 18 months, and i dont want to use smacking as a punishment for her. i honestly think parents lash out when theyve had enough, its not for the childs good.

if as a mother you smack how do you feel if your partner smacks when you don't think it was necessary or smacks harder than you would

you can't equate children and adults.

kelly i agree withyour logic.

enid how old are your children if oyu dont mind me asking?

please dont miss that my original kinda of question is really more about her age/development/discipling.

3 / tantrums / options

i hope i havent stirred some strong opinions to illicit an argument i didnt intend to happen

there is no keeping up with tihs thread

No, sadly, you can't equate children and adults. You're not allowed to hit adults.

I was smacked by both parents. I don't think it achieved anything. They wound up hitting us with shoes.

I don't smack because -

1. It teaches children that hitting is an ok thing for adults to do.
2. If done in the heat of the moment it says 'when you're really stressed, it's ok to hit someone'.
3. If done with a warning, it's (to my ears) saying my last resort is to inflict pain on you.
4. Children mimic. My mother kept a diary when we were small. Can I quote "12 months - dd was becoming something of a bully - when spanked she would hit back". Well quite. My brother also went through a phase of hitting other people when frustrated.
5. Why not have another sanction? Why smacking? We have a sad book and a happy book (following what they do at school). Also a naughty step, and for REALLY bad behaviour they can go to their bedroom, or lose a toy for a day. Why do they need to be hit to learn? Dd learns just as well from being shut in her room for 2 minutes as if I hit her.
6. When smacking doesn't work, then what? Hit them harder?

Sorry this is long, just feel really strongly about it!

spidermama, i will enforce that from now on, thanks

zippe my dh generally isnt at home when my dd gets "bold" but he would generally prefer me to be the disciplinarian as he thinks i have a better education/uinderstanding than him for that role.

id like to know how you would explain to an 18 month old (baby in my view) how its okay to smack her but not for her to smack any one else.

my dd is 5 and ds is 3. I started smacking at about 2.5 I guess. Ds actually rarely gets smacked as he has problems, and most of the time genuinely doesn't understand what is expected of him - I would only ever use smacking for wilful disobedience. I started smacking dd when she got to a point like your dd when she would really try to push.

izzybiz
my original posting was about a 3yr old and her behaviour, i think the htread has gone a bit askew!
its not permissable to slap an 18mth old at all imo.

I also don't understand at what age it is considered appropriate..
rather than the age after which you are less likely to get away with it

I think sometimes parents feel that they have to stop when the children will tell other people or they are too big to get hold of

hermykne - I didn't address your original post.... You have my sympathies. Mydd1 is a week away from being 3 and all of a sudden I don't feel like I have a handle on her behaviour. What used to work doesn't work as effectively or is it that her behaviour presses more severe buttons inside of me and I get more worked up than I should.....

I don't have any solid advice as this is all new to me but I am continuing to ignore dd1's bad behaviour as much as possible, continuing to give her lots of positive praise when she is good and hope that we ride out this phase and both come out happier for it. I know it is soooo difficult to ignore the bad behaviour. The times I most feel in danger of losing it is when dd1 refuses to sit back in her carseat so I can strap her up.

Having to find 'naughty' corners in the middle of carparks, as rain pours down and the new baby screams in her carseat has not been fun But, I'm pretty certain a smack would get us nowhere faster. She's pretty stubborn.

I don't think that a smack if they have done something dangerous eg DD2 ran into the road the other day and I smacked her hand (not v hard) and told her never to do it again.

But I don't think its an answer to tantrums. Ignoring them works best, but it is difficult when they don't respond to it and carry on crying. With DD1 she went thru a short phase of this, but it didn't last. Just keep perservering, maddening as it is. Good luck!!!

I dont agree with that zippititoes. I can jsut remember getting to an age when it was deeply humiliating, I wouldn't want to subject my children to that. As children get older there are more and more ways to deal with behaviour, and if they have already learnt respect smacking isn't necessary.

From the NSPCC website...

Why smacking is never a good idea
Parents may believe there are occasions when only a smack will do. For example, your child is really cheeky and disobedient; your toddler runs into the road; one of your children bites a playmate. It can be tempting to think a smack sorts out these incidents quickly, but it does nothing to teach your child how you want him to behave. Instead, it:

• Gives a bad example of how to handle strong emotions
• May lead children to hit or bully others
• They may lie, or hide feelings to avoid smacking
• It can make defiant, uncooperative behaviour worse, so discipline gets even harder
• Children feel resentful and angry, which can spoil family relationships if it goes on for a long time.

I was smacked as a child - did my parents get it wrong?
These days we know a great deal more about why children behave as they do, and about the effects of smacking. Our parents did the best they could at the time. Modern parents choose parenting without the pain, for child or adults.

Top ten ways to be a great parent without smacking

1. Give love and warmth as much as possible
2. Have clear simple rules and limits.
3. Be a good example
4. Praise good behaviour so it will increase
5. Ignore behaviour you don?t want repeated
6. Criticise behaviours, not your child.
7. Reward good behaviour by hugs and kisses
8. Distract younger children or use humour
9. Allow children some control - choices, joint decisions
10. If a punishment is necessary, then removal of privileges, 'time out', or natural consequences all work better than smacking.

naughty coners in car parks? Are you kidding?

See, my children would never refuse to sit in their car seats. Never have done and never been smacked for it neither. Like QofQ said, discipline has become far too wishywashy.

why is it that people seem to think that being loving and caring is at odds with smacking? That is at the core of the problem. I have a friend who won't smack or shout because she doesn't want to upset them. She is terrified that one might not like her. She never gets a minute to herself because her kids are constantly all over her. They are whiney and demanding. Her house is a tip because the kids rule. That is one extreme, but bits of it can be seen in lots of kids.

The whole attitude of never upsetting or hurting children ever is far too unhealthy. We smack because we love them and want them to grow up well adjsuted individuals. I go to pieces during immunisations, I don't want to hurt my children but I don't want them to turn into the sorts of tearaways that result from kids growing up with no boundaries.

Kelly OK - now you're making me feel paranoid. What's wrong with making her stand in the corner until she's ready to behave? She doesn't know it's called the 'naughty' corner.

Do tell me what wonderful methods of discipline mean your children would never be non-comliant at the age of 2/3. That's only meant half in sarcasm :; Really, I do need to know.