what are the reasons for NO smacking?

[hermykne]

I AM CURIOUS to know, folling the other thread, as my dd is so bold at the moment nothing gets thru to her, even putting her in a time out room for 2/3mins, shes 3. she will keep on screaming and then hit something or push something over.
can last 40mins and no matter how you go over the matter with her when shes calm, she doesnt seem to learn anything,
and i suppose smacking will not make her understand either...
but what does smacking create or instill in behavourial patterns in yours opinions?

I think any punishment/discipline which is overused loses it's effectiveness TBH.

serenity - because it hurts!

i accept my strong feelings are informed by an unusually bad experience and as i've said i do feel very emotionally, not just rationally. anti-smacking.

but you miss my point - smacking is not (generally) about titillation for the parent, but it can set up connections in the brain for the child - pain/fear/humiliation/sexual stimulation. i think this is what happened to my dad when he was a child.

Serenity - tried the tickling... dd1 is VERY stubborn. That didn't work. Our old carseat I could manage to push her down and do up the straps but not with our new carseat.

PMSL at being deluded!

it does hurt. the same as phychological punismnets hurt - the punishments are meant to hurt. its a punishment after all.

I think all pro-smackers are deluding themselves. Sorry. and yeah say I am a smug cow if you like. Actually I did smack dd1 once when I lost my temper and I felt so horrible about it I just can't imagine how you can all live with yourselves.

I do know people that smack their kids, and yes in a lot of instances it doest seem to be doing their kids any long term damage, but tbh its not necessarily about the kids, its about how it makes you feel.

My mum used to smack me and it was bloody horrible. It just used to make me feel that she didn't love me. Which I am quite grateful for as at least I don't find it a normal, 'loving' (blech) thing to do to my own kids.

i dont think smacking a child can lead them to have a sexual link. other things do that. laligo.

Because we dont all do just because we have lost our temper enid.

And yes - that is wrong IMO - to lash out in temper.

so how do you do it then?

say calmly I am going to smack you now and then do it? I find that more weird. At least I could apologise to dd1 and say it was because I lost my temper.

I don't smack DD. Have never needed to. We use other methods at the moment which are working for us. My parents didn't smack either - not me, my nrother or my little sister. Again, they used other methods instead.

I'm afraid I do think that if you smack a child then you are showing them that smacking is an acceptable way of dealing with someone/somthing that has annoyed you. My opinion only though.

I don't like to see children hit, and when I see them hit when out and about I admit I do cringe and feel sympathy for the child. My empathy for the parent does reduce greatly if they smack, sorry but it is how I feel and I guess how I was brought up.

However, I don't believe there is a link between smacking and sexual emotions, etc.

And if you don't do it in temper or when cross, how do you smack? Do you let the child calm down, think about it and then go back and smack?

I was smacked at home and at primary school (I am not very old!) It made me feel frightened of my parents and teachers. I was not badly behaved and because of my experience I would never smack dd.

Parenting is tough and I respect all of you and what you choose to do for your children. This is a great thread - it is so important to discuss this issue and allow everyone to air their views.

enid they've been warned first, so I don't need to say here it comes, I just do it. And I don't need to apologise for punishing them neither.

Similar to QOQ. Some behaviours warrant it IMO. Those are ones that put her or her DS in immediate danger/risk of harm. She gets told not to do something. IF she ignores that she is warned with consequences etc. Then she gets a smack if she ignores that.

I wouldnt lash out in a fit of temper. I have shouted though

I would never smack anyone and I think children deserve a childhood without being smacked by their own parents. I also don't think it works. Funnily enough I find amongst my friends that the ones who smack without fail have the worst behaved children.
I do think it's a difference between someone who smack their children a few times a year for extreme reasons, and someone who ends up using smacking as a regular form of discipline on a daily basis.

Indeed - you dont need to apologise for punishing but you do for losing it. Im not criticising - we all lose it sometimes in one way or another. You cant compare that to smacking though.

Being smacked/hit (same thing imo) also made me feel unloved. I don't remember pain or anything, but I remember that emotion very clearly.
Actually, I had a bit of an argument with my mum about how she treats dd and ds (clearly lavishly favours ds) and I know that I can be quite harsh with her because I love her less because she used to smack me.

And i dont think it right to leave punishment/discipline until later. I dont get angry, calm down and then come back to smack! And no discipline should be done that way. Very cruel IMO to leave a child wondering for a while.

I dont smack in anger. I do it as part of punishment and having warned DD prior to doing so.

custardo, we disagree, of course i'm sure it depends on how it's done, but the bum is a taboo/naughty/sexual area and i think smacking it is weird and revolting (whereas other smacking i think just nasty...)

if i'm wrong though, whence all the spanking porn/ex-public schoolboys going to dominatrixes etc etc?

Message withdrawn

I'm quite interested in how people have children who behave badly enough to need a punishment but the parent doesn't become angry

Here's good reasons not to smack:

when ds was between the ages of erm maybe 2 til roundabout 7 he was a little shit. never listened, never did as he was told, time out never worked, naughty step neither. made my blood boil to the point where i lost my temper loads of times and ended up hammering him so much that the next day he woke up with purple spot bruises on his face and marks round his neck where i had pulled him by the collar. did this maybe 3 times during these ages.

can't do it and won't do it now and he is a well adjusted lad of 12. is it due to me walloping him when he was little? would he have turned out this way if i had not smacked him like this?.

apologies for the name change, i am a regular but obviously this is not something i am proud of so hope others will understand why.