Has anyone read, 'Raising boys'? Shocked when i saw it!

[threecurrantbuns]

I walked by this book the other day and had to double take, didnt seem pc to me but after saying so to another mum she talked as if its a well known book.

I have two dds a one ds (my youngest) so maybe thats why ive never come across it until now.

I was shocked at first, thinking surely we should parent our children the same way whether they are boys or girls!??

But now im wondering whether to take a peek at it, i have become curious, i didnt grow up around boys, just had sisters, maybe there is something im missing!?

I loved the book. Also loved toddler taming and Beyond toddlerhood by christoper green.

I agree MrsD. I understand completely why people are reluctant to stereotype their child with expected gender behaviours, but equally I think it is quite arrogant to refuse to acknowledge that there are (generally speaking) some fundamental differences that are a result of nature not nurture.

I work with children and have worked with 100s of children over the years. I do honestly think the way most boys and girls are is due to how their parents are. The kind of children who act totally in a streotypical way definitely get in from the home environment as its obvious when you get to know their parents.

I think girls and boys can definitely be as rough and boisterious as each other and some girls way more so than some boys.

Well my copy arrived today and ive read about a quarter and i have to say i havent warmed to it yet!

So far alot of focus on sons having mentors after the age of 6yrs...making me feel a bit as other than i very hands on dad we dont really have any male family/friends around to mentor/spend time with ds.

I would like to think you are right ilovedora esp as my dd1 would pass for a 'stereotypical boy' if she was dressed up as one

3currantbuns - I have never yet met a princessy type ofgirl yet who likes nails, hair etc and is in to things like that who hasnt got a mum who is exactly the same. Same goes for if you have a boisteriousy, sporty girl its often a replica of the mum. (I am talking of nursery age kids changes when they get to school a little as they are more likely to follow the crowd) I had a little girl play with my DD the other day and they are both only 3 my DD wanted to play with her fireman sam toys and the other girl said I dont play with boys toys and I have fake nails on so cant play anyway! From a 3 year old WTF!

Things like that really they blatantly get from their parents and it is obvious and quite funny when you see these things. Happens all the time in my job. In all aspects of personality you can see the parents reflected in the children from their mannerisms, interests and things they say. It always amuses the staff. I would never personally bring either gender of my children up in that way tbh. Personality is so much more important I have encountered many shy, quiet, calm boys that would get eaten alive by some of the girls in my care. Same as vice versa its so hard to generalise and I think it really limits your parenting and your care of children in general if you think boys need this and girls need this.

I have to disagree cat64 but that comes from me being very 'boyish' both now and all my life. I know and have worked with loads of girls like me, and have a girl of my own that way. I know boys that are quiet, studious and sit down for books for hours. I know girls totally the opposite.

I dont like to pigeonhole the children and think it is so much more individual but a lot of traits do come from parents and then later on peers and the media imo.

Also I think many years ago girls were brought up to be more 'ladylike' quiet, calm etc its not the way many girls/women are now and if its innate then how come it has changed so much? I do think a lot is the environment/society tbh

Fab book.I'm 1 of 2 girls with twin boys.That book was a huuuuge help. My boys are now 7 and 1 has entered that daddy(ditching mummy stage).Upsets me at times but I think back to that book and it's reassuring to know it's common.

I also have a dd(a years gap in between) yes she's boistrous too but in a completely different way.

I agree whole heartedly with Fellatio's 10.27 post.

I think all the book is trying to say is that there are some very obvious natural differences (generally, though there are exceptions) between girls and boys and if you're the mother of a boy you might want to encourage more of the 'girl' (left brain) skills to ensure your boy isn't disadvantaged in life. The more i read the more i realise it's all common sense parenting really and applies equally to both sexes. If you want to make sure the world's your daughter's oyster wouldn't you want to encourage ALL her skills (right brain stuff) so she's a well rounded individual? I have never even contemplated for one second not being tactile, loving and affectionate to my DS - even when he's much older. Yes my DH rough plays with DS more than i do (and DS loves it) but my DH also kisses, cuddles, comforts and baths with my DS. The baths will stop at some point (!) but the kisses and cuddles will continue for as long as our DS decides he's happy with them and not embarrassed!

My DS is stlll fabulously cuddly at 9 !
I'm not sure most of them grow out of it all that early in my experience
I wonder how long I can spin it out for ?!

Oh that's lovely to hear. I suppose if they're brought up in a very tactile family there's more chance they'll be like it when they're older.

I think the best thing you can do for your children is to look at it as a percent thing rather than something written in stone

so not necessarily: "this is a boy, therefore he will be more boisterous/need stricter boundaries/etc"

but perhaps "this is what ds is observably like, looking round at other children I can see that a lot of other little boys are also like this, oh well it's probably normal then"

I was at times a bit of a disappointment to my mum who had expected something a bit more pink and princessy; she has recouped herself with dd who is not at all like me.

otoh I find ds' dislike of the great outdoors and of getting dirty very strange to understand too.

I haven't read it but having 3 DSs I would think it a good thing-boys needs are overlooked. (or worse-not liked the way so many MN seems to want to have DDs)

All DCs are different-you parent the one that you have rather than the one that you might like. I am astounded that OP thinks that she can even parent her 2 DDs in the same way. Every DC is different.

Not every girl is the same and not every boy is the same but in general there are characteristics.
I expect OP's DC are young, but I defy anyone to hold a birthday party for 12 , 8yr old boys and the next day hold one for 12 , 8yr old girls and tell me they are the same!! Even if you do a pirate party for both sides and plan it the same they will be very different events. Of course they are different-why do you think some girls want to go to cubs and not brownies and some girls would hate cubs?

I have lived in an all male household (apart from me)and they are very different! Now that they have girlfriends it is like a breath of fresh air to me!

Come back when your DS is 16yrs old OP and admit that the book would have been helpful! (especially when your 5 yr old DS was wrestling on the carpet-something he will do for fun with friends-I have yet to see girls constantly wrestling for fun)

In general
Boys are very cuddly and loving.
They are noisy and find it difficult to sit still.
They like to play fight.
They need lots of exercise.
They attract mud.
They like rude jokes, anything to do with toilets. They like to make noises like burping.
They don't chat and they don't ask personal questions of friends.
They will be able make gun noises at the back of their throat- and if banned they will make them from sticks, duplo or even toast!

Not all of course, and not all the time. They can listen to stories, be sensitive, play with toy kitchens,have interesting conversations etc.

I wasn't encouraging of the former list but I realised they were quite happy wresting etc and it was my problem that I wasn't- so I left them to it. It is a good idea to use the boisterous part constructively-there are plenty of books to encourage girls-nice to have one for boys. Girls of course can be just like the boys.

It is in very general terms and it wasn't instigated by me with my DSs-I just found plenty of exercise before bed a good thing!

By don't chat, I mean that they can play for hours with a strange DS and not findout anything about him (even his name in my DSs case) whereas a girl would know name,address, family, what they had for breakfast, best friend at school etc etc etc. (boys do of course chat if someone chats to them).

If there wasn't a difference you wouldn't get the majority of MNetters saying they wanted a girl-it really wouldn't matter-and it obviously matters a lot to some women!People wouldn't have assumed that I wanted a girl or that I am 'missing out' on a mother/daughter relationship. (I don't wish I had a DD and I amnot missing out!)

i didnt grow up around boys, just had sisters, maybe there is something im missing!?

I didn't read that bit. I grew up with only brothers, male cousins and have only DSs -yes -you will find out what you are missing!!!

Neuroscientists are yet to find any significant difference between make and female brains at birth. Obviously there are hormonal differencesand females gestate and lactate. The rest is down to conditioning which produces brain differences a bit like exercising a certain muscle over a period of time.

The Men are from Mars stuff has been discredited to some extent.

Boys are the way they are because society conditions humans with a certain genitalia in a certain way.

None of my DDs are princessy and like sword play as much as any child.

Also people with more than one child may say well my DD is totally different to my boy but that is because you treat them differently ( because they are different personalities) and because each will seek to differentiate themselves from their sibling. So you may have a girly girl and a tough boy but that isn't due to gender it's due to the conditions in which they grow up.

Do the pirate party test with boys and then with girls. Watch 2 5yr old girls play together and 2 5 yr old boys play together-you will see the difference! (always exceptions to the rule-but nature and not nurture). Go to the Alps and see teenage snowboarders hurtle down the slopes at deathly speeds-most will be boys. There is now a fuss because teenage girl drivers will get charged the same as boys for insurance despite not being the same risk. There is a difference.

I have friends who tried that Norman-they were close in age and they were not having gender difference rubbish! Utterly failed!

I have watched boys and they nearly always resort to wrestling on the floor if bored. I have never seen girls do it-or not constantly.
I also have to say that as a single mother I wasn't doing or encouraging any of these boyish traits.