Has anyone read, 'Raising boys'? Shocked when i saw it!

[threecurrantbuns]

I walked by this book the other day and had to double take, didnt seem pc to me but after saying so to another mum she talked as if its a well known book.

I have two dds a one ds (my youngest) so maybe thats why ive never come across it until now.

I was shocked at first, thinking surely we should parent our children the same way whether they are boys or girls!??

But now im wondering whether to take a peek at it, i have become curious, i didnt grow up around boys, just had sisters, maybe there is something im missing!?

I agree with MRIC: I have a cooking DH and it's fab.

(And yes, Inmaculada is an old friend from sleep-deprived threads as well as others. )

I liked it and like any parenting lit, take from it what you find useful me thinks.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and one of the (small) concerns in my life as a parent is that I will be judged that my DS is into football and my DD into ballet. Of course, their preferences manifest themselves further than this, I won't go into detail, you can imagine.

But it does seem mad to me that the parents that are looked up to are the ones with children who follow pursuits that are less traditionaly associated with their sexl, and less traditionally biased to one sex. I have tried many, many leisure pursuits and sports with my DC and every, single time, they go for the one that is traditionally associated with their sex. This is not for want of trying on my behalf. They like what they like.

And I suppose I have a strong belief that they should be allowed to be their own people, without over influencing from me in these sort of areas. But that is off the op's question, so forgive my ramblings.

tbh, I've never looked up to a parent because of their child's choice of extra curricular activity!

Does anyone really give a stuff whether other people's kids go to a particular type of club?

Oh for sure, they do. I don't, but plenty do. No one says anything, its all in the nuances and body language.

I think you are still getting the wrong end of the stick about the message in the book though. Admittedly it's a long time since I read it, but I really don't think it was all about reinforcing gender stereotypes in terms of preferences and behaviours, it was about understanding what goes on in most boys hormonally and developmentally (that differs from most girls) and how it may affect the way they emote, communicate, learn etc.

Yes, sorry Fellatio, its just that some of the comments on the thread made me think, thats all. But as you say, not really relevant to the op's q/book. Apols.

I picked it up in a charity shop last week. I had been thinking about buying it anyway.

I dont like parenting books because I think I am too proud and dont like being told what to do . Although I am happy to ask for advice on MNs. I dont like 'them' telling me what to do (old punk emoticon)

But I have 4 boys and I do need some help. I think I am wired up in a very feminine way IYSWIM. I dont mean I prance around in pretty frocks and press flowers. I mean the way I talk, the way I think, the way I reason...

I need some help getting into the male mindset. I want to understand my sons better. I want to be able to communicate with them.

Its complicated. My DD was my first. I feel the loss of her so deeply I worry its getting in the way of me being the mother of sons. I feel like the mother of a daughter so much.
I dont expect that makes sense.

I browsed this book once in a library and I read something that has stayed with me - to paraphase: The very behaviours that drive you mad in a young toddler boy will be the very same assets that you will love in him as a young man - enthusiasm, energy, independence, persistence and drive.

That thought keeps me going!! It also helps me think of DS1 as a dog that needs regular exercise but that is a tad simplistic.

MrsD a very good book I can recommend is this and they do a version for teens as well. I think, as women, we often over-talk to boys and it helped me realise how much they zone out on 80% of what I say. It teaches you to be succinct, calm, yet authoratitive.

I think you are right fellatio.

I am very wordy. I talk a lot and I talk fast. i try and over explain and give examples. This sounds like 'blah, blah, blah, blah, whinge, nag, blah, blah, blah, your shoes' to my boys.

That is the book I ordered bt the same time as Raising Boys. [Smile]

I know, I do it too.

Its another one I have been meaning to get for a while. I go on and end up buying more sewing books

Started reading it tonight and got to the part where it says don't put boys into full time day care if you don't want to raise a badly behaved, insecure and emotionally bereft man (ok, so i paraphrase slightly).... i'm returning to work full time in two months so this wasn't exactly what i needed to hear right now.

That said, it's interesting enough to keep me reading for now.

MrsDeVere "I feel like the mother of a daughter so much.
I dont expect that makes sense."

Actually it does make sense.

But first, I am so sorry for your loss.

My eldest is a girl and parenting her has defined me in a way that parenting my 2nd born son simply hasn't. I can never put my finger on why exactly this is. It's not about favourites. It's not about how easy going or enjoyable they respectively are to parent. I suspect it is partly the fact that she was my first child and so knocked my world off its axis regardless of gender. But there's more to it than that - being the mother of a girl fascinates me and worries me. It is such a powerful relationship.

Hi matana Just to say I've looked after babies in day-care nursery and we all gave them lots of love and attention - though I admit they kept us busy at times ! I'm sure your little man will be fine

Omg, ppl on this thread NEED to read delusions of gender.

'Boys need more exercise than girls' WTF!!

I grew up in a household with no men in it for as long as my memory goes back, and I worried about having boys because I thought I wouldn't understand them - and a lot of the time I don't! But I don't miss this apparent 'bond' that women say they have with daughters (sorry MrsD, obviously I know you do, and it's a bit different in your situation) but all I can say is that being the mother of three boys fascinates me and worries me!

The other thing I will say is that because my children are all of the same gender, and all a different gender to me, I don't put any of dynamics of the individual relationships (either between me and them, between the boys themselves, or between them and my DH) down to 'understanding one another' or 'not understanding one another' due to gender differences iyswim. It can be a lazy assumption.

I go through phases of (not favouritism exactly, but) bonding and getting along with different sons best at different times in their lives, and they do that with one another too. The dynamic is always changing.

For example I am having a very challenging time with my DS2 at the moment, and a very easy time with DS1, though for the first 10 years DS2 was a dream to parent because he was so open and straightforward and easy to understandand, whereas DS1 has always been the deep and moody type. But DS2 is 16 now and has developed traits, interests and a personal ethos that leave me bewildered, and I know it is because because of fundamental differences in the way we are. I just don't understand him, or 'get' why he want to be the person he clearly wants to be.

Whereas, although DS1 is sometimes too guarded and private and complex, I totally understand him and feel comfortable with the person he is.

If DS2 were my only boy I might be in danger of saying 'I just don't understand boys.' As it is, I just don't understand him.

I could sit here all day listing my 3 children's differing characteristics, and if one or other of them were a girl it would be so tempting to assume that that was how girls were, because as a woman it was a trait I identified with.

Ahh now, y'see, that's very interesting to hear Fellatio. I grew up in a household of only boys. I have many brothers, and many male cousins. I was the first and only girl for as far as the eye could see. The only exception being my mother who is rather misogynist and firmly of the opinion that boys are better / easier / more fun. I grew up longing to be a boy. This idea that women are worth something, and fabulous, and interesting, is such an exciting thing to have discovered.

So perhaps we have both discovered that the unfamiliar is what fascinates and worries us.

And I also agree wholeheartedly that ascribing behaviour to gender is lazy and unhelpful. I feel particularly strongly about this because of my experiences with a daughter who has many of the characteristics generally assumed to be typical of boys of her age - she is a very physical child with boundless energy, no fear, always climbing / exploring / dismantling / discovering. I can't tell you how many conversations I have had with mothers of boys along the lines of "goodness me it IS exhausting having boys - you wouldn't understand, boys are IN TO EVERYTHING y'know!!" as though dd and I sit at home plaiting each others hair and doing jigsaws.

It is down to personality and character, not gender.

Well yes, except that most physical behaviours IME are generally ascribable to gender (but only generally, not always, as you have learnt!) whereas personality characteristics I would agree, are less so.

You only have to watch a infant school playground to see that in action!

'Omg, ppl on this thread NEED to read delusions of gender.

'Boys need more exercise than girls' WTF!!'

Many of us have, and appreciated the theories in it.
Some children have a higher level of need for physical activity than others, and all should be given the opportunity with a range of activities.
It's when you limit according to gender rather than matching the needs of the individual that problems sometimes ensue. Or when you listen and worry too much to other people with strong opinions on how your children should or shouldn't be behaving or thinking.

allhail and fellatio your posts are very interesting and helpul. Thank you.

Its not an easy subject to dicuss. People get the wrong end of the stick and think you prefer your girls to you boy - throw in the added complication of my circumstances and people start muttering about 'you cant replace her'

Difference isnt bad is it? Its different. Pretending that male & female is the same just with different bodies is a bit mad IMO.