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Parenting

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Original poster

relatives disciplining my child

104 replies

bunniesmum · 06/05/2011 22:42

To cut a long story short, I have 2 very boyish boys, 11 and 5. Family get together at weekend. 5 year old son called his 7 year old cousin a baby and she started crying. My brother intervened (I am in another room while this is going on). My 5 year old kicked cousin in shin and kicked his uncle. Next thing I know, my brother is leading my crying son to naughty step and telling him off. I flew off handle and said it was not his place to punish my child and that he should have told me what had happened and I could then discipline him. We had a big argument and are now barely speaking. Having put it down in black and white it sounds like I may have overeacted ? Just wanted an opinion really.

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StatelyPoshBeartrothal · 06/05/2011 22:47

While I agree with you, it is apparent you should have simply taken your child from your brother, said "Thank you, I'll take over from here" and got on with it. Easy in retrospect though!

mumof2beebies · 06/05/2011 22:47

were the relatives aware that you were usng the naughty step, and just copied how you do it? if so I think it may have been good thinking, as they need dealing with asap when they're naughty, so long as they didn't drag, squeeze his arm, or act rough or hurt the child.

Oakmaiden · 06/05/2011 22:47

If you weren't in the room and he was then I think he was right to handle it. Your sons behaviour WAS unacceptable, and it really bugs me that parents won't let other adults tell their children off. It wasn't like he smacked him or bawled at him (which might give reason for complaint) - from what you say he dealt with it in a fairly textbook manner.

Was it him who was kicked? Or a different uncle?

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feedthegoat · 06/05/2011 22:47

It is a personal thing but to be honest, I feel you are over reacting.

My brother and his partner tell my ds off if he does something naughty. I do likewise with his dsd. We are reasonable, fair and supportive of each other. Amongst my friends and dc, whichever adult is supervising also handles discipline. We are maybe lucky that we all parent in a very similar way.

In all honesty, and i do feel a little bit mean saying it, I think that if you are not prepared for your brother to discipline a child who kicks him, then you should make sure you are in the room supervising yourself.

Jogonjill · 06/05/2011 22:51

Yes, you overreacted, your son needed someone to discipline him and you weren't there. What would you have said/done had you been there, do you use a naughty step? I'm not sure that describing them as 'boyish boys' excuses that kind of behaviour either!

buffy13 · 06/05/2011 22:52

If my nephew kicked my daughter I would have put him on naughty step too, and likewise if my daughter had kicked my nephew and my sister put her on naughty step (as I was in another room) I would have backed her up.....PLUS taken a toy away! If it was a friend/colleague then maybe I would feel differently.. but my family disciplining my kids would be fine by me.

LittleWhiteWolf · 06/05/2011 22:52

I think he acted fairly. And I agree with feedthegoat. Your child behaved very unkindly and needed discipline. Your brother handled this fine. Had you said he'd smacked him or screamed at him it would be another matter. I think it hit a nerve perhaps with you, hence your overreaction?
Anyway, I think you need to be the one to apologise and explain your reaction to your brother, as you are not speaking.

What would have happend if your son had been at a playdate at your brothers and you weren't there? Would you expect to be called over or to have the deed go unpunished as you weren't there to act it out?

Original poster

bunniesmum · 06/05/2011 22:54

Hindesight is a great thing ! No it was him who was kicked. My husband asked me...how he would have delt with it, I said, you would have put him on naughty step, husband said "so what is issue ?". I obviously overeacted and am not normally the "fly off the handle" type. Clearly it is me who needs to appologise, just interested in opinion, thanks.

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Mummyloveskisses · 06/05/2011 22:58

I disagree feedthegoat its unfair to say she can never leave the room just because she wants to be the one to discipline her child. I know you said you felt mean saying it, not having a go just answering.

I think in the situation as it was I would have liked to have been called into the room and explained what had happened and then me to discipline, I would have had no problem if my child had to be restrained if kicking or hitting out continuously but the punishment should have come from me as I would have been there, just a room away.
In a situation where I wasn't present, sometimes my mum or friend has my children, I would be happy to allow her to discipline. But going back to what Feedthegoat said they both parent like me... my sister on the other hand is a smacker and a shouter and I wouldn't appreciate any interaction from her.. and wouldn't leave my children with her for that reason... but I would leave them in a room with her if I were in one next door.

Does this make any sense... its getting late :)

feedthegoat · 06/05/2011 23:18

Totally agree Mummyloveskisses that I would extremely unhappy if someone smacked my child as it is not something I agree with.

As I said, I acknowledge it is a personal thing but I think sometimes it can be beneficial for a child to know that other people have a certain level of expectation regarding their behaviour, not just mum and dad. I wouldn't expect my 5 year old ds to kick me as he knows what I expect from him. Likewise, if he kicked my brother, I don't think it would do him any harm to be told by my brother that his behaviour isn't what he expects either.

We spend a lot of time together as a family and i would like him to respect everyone. Obviously as he is 5 and not perfect he does need to be told off sometimes. I trust my family and the friends I choose to spend family time with. I don't know if it would have that affect, but I wouldn't want his behaviour to be different just because he thought I wasn't present to tell him off and no one else could.

AnnieBesant · 06/05/2011 23:24

Of course I would deal with my neice or nephew if they behaved in the way you describe in your OP. And my sister, brother and SIL would do the same with my children. And kicking other children and adults isn't 'boyish'.

mrsjohnsimm · 06/05/2011 23:26

If you weren't in the room it sounds fine and what I would expect. If you'd been there and they'd taken over then that would be different.

Mummyloveskisses · 06/05/2011 23:34

Reading everyone elses replies makes me think that maybe the issue is some of the people I do see having different parenting to me. Maybe if everyone did have the same I would see this differently. As I said previously if it were my friend or mum discipling I wouldn't have a problem or even my younger sister... but my elder is a different case.

I can see what bunniesmum's brother did wasn't heavy handed and was what she would have done herself so perhaps my answer was more on how I would have handled my sister in the same situation?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/05/2011 00:09

I wouldnt stand for anyone telling my children off. Saying to them'no, dont do that or dont do this' I'm fine with, but any more than that and they would be told to take a running jump. (as i have previously forwarned Inlaws) My children my call. Always. Well, DH too

razors · 07/05/2011 00:15

Have you ever heard a saying 'It takes a village to raise a child'? I truly believe that close relatives and friends should be able to advise and chastise. Obviously I don't want anyone smacking or screaming at my children but your brother did the right thing. I do understand where your anger came from though to see your child upset in the hands of a grown up but no harm done was there?

cat64 · 07/05/2011 00:23

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cat64 · 07/05/2011 00:24

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startail · 07/05/2011 00:36

I automatically tell other peoples children off. Would expect mine to get told off too if they are out of order. DH can have a problem if my Dad on a short fuse has a go at DD1 (impossible to get him to see that they have very similar tempers and 18 years of dad is why I have quite happily spent 23 with him)

Got VVV with the relative who shouted at me (the following day) for explaining (loudly I accept) that it was unacceptable for her nephew to walk up to my DD in a shop and kick her, without provocation. She said I should have gone and found her, I'd no idea she was in the car outside. (At the time the children involved were very borderline for being unsupervised and given his usual behaviour I wouldn't have let the boy in question out of my sight.)
Anyway I'm of the generation who absolutely would not want my parents involved, that just meant 3x the trouble

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/05/2011 00:36

I dont want the village though, not my bag ;)
No thankyou, my children are my responsibility, so I'll sort it myself.

And woh-betide anyone else who tries

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2011 01:20

bunniesmum agree that your brother was right to tell off your son and try and handle what happened.

Hope you and your brother can quickly resolve this and make up.

It is hard when other people tell off our children but if they are at school they will already have discipline at school etc (unless never naughty at all at school) so it probably is not weird for your son or other school age kids to be told off by another person. My DD is naughty at home but good at school but when the class gets noisy I bet they all get told off!

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 07/05/2011 01:26

I don't beleive it takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to make a community...for children to grow in....but my child is being raised by me.

I would be VERY annoyed just like you OP.

He should have taken his DD to see you and told you want happened.

TheSecondComing · 07/05/2011 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostInSockLand · 07/05/2011 01:57

I actually wish relatives would discipline my kids! I am sick to death of having my home trashed (not due to deliberate naughtiness if i'm honest, more through sheer carelessness) and then having Nanna buy them things when i've said no to this, that or the other as a punishment.

My kids aren't naughty as such but they are unconcerned about leaving stuff around and bombing through the house knocking things over....they have the attitude that if something gets broken it doesn't really matter because mum will replace it

bejeezus · 07/05/2011 08:16

I totally DO agree it takes a village to raise a child. And think it is invaluable for kids to grow up, respecting other adults, and knowing that they wont get away with bad behaviour just because YOU are not there to discipline. I am very grateful for the input of my family, friends and neighbours in raising my children

balia · 07/05/2011 08:37

From the other side of the coin - it is very difficult in family situations when a child is misbehaving to this extent. DH's step brother and his wife have a very badly behaved little boy who would throw food, take other kids toys away, kick the dog etc etc, whilst his parents spent the evening out in the garden smoking. No one dared to step in because of the mother's temper and it got to the point where DH's mum and dad stopped inviting them to get togethers.

Not saying, of course, that your DS is badly behaved like this but if people feel they can't do anything when their kids are being hurt and they themselves are being kicked, well it's hardly going to be a nice family gathering. If you don't like your kids being told off by family members then surely you need to stay with them (in the same room) so you can deal with the behaviour?

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