relatives disciplining my child

[bunniesmum]

To cut a long story short, I have 2 very boyish boys, 11 and 5. Family get together at weekend. 5 year old son called his 7 year old cousin a baby and she started crying. My brother intervened (I am in another room while this is going on). My 5 year old kicked cousin in shin and kicked his uncle. Next thing I know, my brother is leading my crying son to naughty step and telling him off. I flew off handle and said it was not his place to punish my child and that he should have told me what had happened and I could then discipline him. We had a big argument and are now barely speaking. Having put it down in black and white it sounds like I may have overeacted ? Just wanted an opinion really.

I have a relative who feels the same way you do OP, and has' lively' boys. She practises some form of UP.
Family gatherings with her are uncomfortable and somewhat shorter than those with my other siblings and their merry throngs. She is a PITA, and so we tend to be polite rather than enjoy the company.
Your brother didn't slap your aggressive son, he moved him to a quiet spot.
You flew off the handle. I wouldn't be bothering to talk to you much either.

Had my DS behaved that way when i was out of the room/ house i would have expected my relatives to deal with it. The problem with reprimanding children after the event (having been told by someone else, when it happened a while ago or whatever) is that you've lost the immediacy of the moment. I would only draw the line at other people punishing my child if they smacked him or used some other form of violence - verbal or physical.

Other people are going to tell your children off. A child kicks me, I'm not going to be taking them to their parent and telling my tale like some child in a playground. I will be telling them I don't appreciate their actions.

My daughter misbehaved at a friend's house the other day. Friend told her off - strongly. Quite right. Goodness me. I apologised to friend and communicated my disappointment to DD. Telling friend off would not only be ridiculous, but also would probably mean a lack of invitations in the future.

So, Babydubs, what happens if your children are behaving like little brats and you're nowhere to be seen? Do other adults who are around simply have to tolerate it? What happens if they need to be disciplined at school?

I think it's good for children to know that other adults are watching their behaviour and will tell them off if need be. That's how it was when I was young (and I'm not exactly an old gimmer).

My kids are 3 and 2, so not tested the whole somewhere without me yet. Nursery is the exception to that, and i see them as loco parentis so okay, to a point.

I grew up in quite an insular family i supose, no other adult ever chastised us, other than school. We were fine. I dont get the village thing, never having experienced it. So no, i dont see it as important. Dont rate the grandparent thing either.

If there is an incident involoving one of my children then i want to know about it. I simply wouldnt trust someone else to deal with my kids fairly, and no, i wouldnt bother telling off someone elses child either. Not my child, not my problem, their parents responsibility so they can sort it themselves. I think a part of this is that i know i wouldnt be fair either, id always pick my children no matter what they did id defend them, my united front would be with my children not 'random adult having a go at them'. I would deal with whatever they did 'wrong' afterwards privatly between the two of us.

Not popular, dont mind

Then don't leave them unattended by your loving presence for a second.

I think your brother was right. It was your brother who initially intervnened, he wasn't punishing cruelly, let him get on with it, otherwise your child will think that as long as you are out of the room, he can do as he pleases.

Your brother was absolutely right. He used an effective and suitable form of discipline and I think you ought to be apologising to him. My family have disciplined each others children over the years and it's not been a problem at all.

babydubs, you sound very selfish

"id always pick my children no matter what they did id defend them"

And you are risking raising horrible children,.

Thanks for opinions....I explained to my brother that I would have had no problem with him telling my son off but I just dont feel happy with anyone physically taking my son to the naughty step, for me it crossed a boundary. I felt It was my place, whilst in the same house, to have then delbt the punishment. I have appologised for upsetting my brother but cannot bring myself to appologise for what I did when I didnt feel it was right.

Im sorry i have never experienced anyone telling me off in RL as a child other than a teacher/parent, so i dont see the need.

And i wont have to be with my DC all the time, ill just go round finding all these horrible adults afterwards

you should apologise for your son's behavior, not just for shouting at your brother.

I think your brother was very restrained in just taking your son to the naughty step after your son assaulted his daughter.

Jesus babydubs, seriously, you are going to raise a pair of complete dickheads with no friends if you are going to hunt down anyone who ever tells them to stop their shitty behavior.

Basically, if you cannot trust your child to behave impeccably (you clearly can't) and you cannot bear to have them rebuked by anyone else (you clearly can't) then you are essentially leaving them completely unsupervised every time you have them out of your direct line of sight. So you shouldn't have been in another room, leaving your brother to mind him if you aren't prepared to let your brother deal with him.

As i explained in my first post the whole, ''dont do this, do that'' part i would be more than fine with, its just instruction, thats all a toddler snatching would need imo. But anymore than that, issuing sanctions/ chastisments as in the op, not a chance. Not ANYONE elses place.

You've got a shock coming when nursery, school and playdates start looming.
Either you will be in continuous fight mode, have to home-ed your children, or be comfortable with them being left out of things because you are too much like hard work.
I can wait.

Geesh coldits the big was a hint - it was a JOKE! they havent introduced a happiness tax without me looking have they??

Anyway, Im not a dickhead, neither are my siblings, or my nephews, cousins. Me and my DC are too popular tbh, playdated to death!

Like i said, never experienced this....its not a major crime though.

It's loads of people's place if you're clearly not there though. To not deal with someone's children because 'it's not my problem' is neglect.

If you are serious about not allowing anyone else to deal with your misbehaving children, and to fight their corner even when they are wrong, they are going to be selfish and unpleasant brats.

Now, if that's what you're aiming for, or if you don't care as long as you are getting your own way, then go ahead, but most parents want rather more for their children and it surprises me that you don't.

Goblin - why, i have already said this is how i was raised and it has never been a problem..... cant understand your annoyance with me tbh?

No, isn't always a good enough clue in type.