relatives disciplining my child

[bunniesmum]

To cut a long story short, I have 2 very boyish boys, 11 and 5. Family get together at weekend. 5 year old son called his 7 year old cousin a baby and she started crying. My brother intervened (I am in another room while this is going on). My 5 year old kicked cousin in shin and kicked his uncle. Next thing I know, my brother is leading my crying son to naughty step and telling him off. I flew off handle and said it was not his place to punish my child and that he should have told me what had happened and I could then discipline him. We had a big argument and are now barely speaking. Having put it down in black and white it sounds like I may have overeacted ? Just wanted an opinion really.

Oops: 'felt' - 'to feel'

Agree with bejeezus, your child needs to accept discipline from other adults - and you need to accept that this will happen. Otherwise you get a rude and unpleasant child that grows up saying, "You're not my mum/dad, you can't tell me what to do!"

Whilst I don't necessarily do the naughty step anymore with DS (6) and have never dragged him there - I was lucky when we used it he'd go.

BUT...........

If your DS at 5yo takes it upon himself to kick another child and then an adult then he has to accept what ever consequence the adult puts on him.

In your situation I would be more pissed off with my DS than my brother tbh.

cat64 how then do you explain the way i was raised, and everyone else i know? we are all normal functioning members of society and i have never seen anyone sanction someone elses child. Im not being obtuse, i am simply saying i have no experience of this.

I think i should also point out that it does not mean i would not punish my child. I dont get the thinking that it must be someone else. no one ever punished be above a ''dont do X'' type of thing, my parents did! And quite frankly i would never have behaved in the ways being described in this thread. i was bought up to know how to behave. I also dont know any children that would call a one year old a retard, or kick an adult. They/I know/knew that there would be penalties for such behaviour. and so there should be.

But i will decide what that is. Like my parents did, like all the parents i know, do.

A very wise family therapist I know always says 'It takes a village to raise a child!'

I discipline other people's children and I would expect other peop is to do the same to mine - it is what is wrong with society these days - in the old days kids behaved because neighbours were involved in their care and would watch over theur behaviour.

Now stupid parents flip if someone dares to step in!!!

I would be bloody cross with my kid if he kicked anyone - that would anger me more than sitting him on the stairs.

I'm slightly torn because I'd be peeved if someone put my child on a naughty step because it's not a method I'd use.
My pils often tell my kids not to do stuff they consider dangerous (eg sliding down the bannister) that I have no problem with and I do feel a bit put out in my own house (obviously their rules apply in their house), but the kids know who's the boss so I let it go.
However, if my child kicked an adult I'd not be bothering with who'd put him on the naughty step-I'd be given him the biggest bollocking off his entire life.
It's never come up with my 6 yr old twins(one is a boy), but I have a vague memory of my then 3 yrold ds1 kicking a preschool worker and the result was he didn't get to go to the Christmas party the following day and it was made very very clear that he'd not be going back at all if that happened again.

Maybe you have issues with your brother and that's why you overeacted?

If my child had kicked another child, and an adult, I would be absolutely horrified.

If that adult had reprimanded and disciplined my child in an appropriate way, I would back them up completely, and make sure that my child knew that I was supporting the other adult.

I think you're over-reacting, and should apologise whole heartedly to your brother. I also hope that you've spoken to your ds about his behaviour and made it clear to him how absolutely inappropriate it was.

Your brother acted in an appropriate manner. You are wrong.

I met a mother who acted like babydubs is coming across, I politely told her son to stop kicking my toddler as i manouvered to pick him up and take him out of harms way. She was furious that I would dare say anything to her precious child and glared at me for a good ten minutes.

I did laugh at how on earth she would cope when her precious darling went to school.

I have a nearly 5yr old dd, if she deliberatly kicked anyone, even a stranger on the bus I would have no problem with them telling her off. I would be apologising profusely to them, that mor ethan old enough to know how to behave and accept the consequences if you don't

thankyou madamdeathstare, thats it, the actual 'punishment' i want to dole out myself. I wasnt the only one but it seems im unpopular so.... oh well

She isn't MadamDeathstare. She's talking about anyone (other than school) disciplining her child in any way.

"If there is an incident involoving one of my children then i want to know about it. I simply wouldnt trust someone else to deal with my kids fairly, and no, i wouldnt bother telling off someone elses child either. Not my child, not my problem, their parents responsibility so they can sort it themselves. I think a part of this is that i know i wouldnt be fair either, id always pick my children no matter what they did id defend them, my united front would be with my children not 'random adult having a go at them'. I would deal with whatever they did 'wrong' afterwards privatly between the two of us. "

He didn't forcibly hold him down on the 'naughty' step either - he merely led him there.

Well its not what she posted Madam....

Add message | Report | Message poster BabyDubsEverywhere Sat 07-May-11 00:09:40
I wouldnt stand for anyone telling my children off. Saying to them'no, dont do that or dont do this' I'm fine with, but any more than that and they would be told to take a running jump

I think that I would have alot more than no/don't do that to say to a % yr old who kicked me, I am not advocating hitting/restraining the child (who holds kids on the naughty step? isnt that missing the point of no attention for x mins?)

As I said and bored of saying, It was the way I was raised, it's the way everyone else I know parents, neighbours friends work family etc, I don't know anyone who wouldn't just report to some ones parent and let them deal with it, it seems strange to me. So don't think indeserve any of the nasty comments being thrown my way. I can't see what I've done wrong. I obviously use/ grew up with and around different methods but as I don't know any life dropouts it's been just as successful. I also have never met a child who would behave in any of the ways listed here, sounds like a junior delinquent roadshow! I'd be moving house!

Can't see the point of keeping on with this. I'm not the op this isn't my thread, I just gave my opinion/experience like everyone else but I kept getting dragged over the coals for it. Good luck with your tried tested methods I'll stick with my equally tried and tested method.

You have overeacted and are very much in the wrong - as the mother of 3 boys (and 1 girl) I have to say that being "boyish" is no excuse for name-calling or kicking

Almost everyone in my area takes a collective approach to child-rearing - so it's not just family who will tell off a child, but strangers on the street / in the playground if the parent is not there / has not seen - my eldest was told off by an old lady in a supermarket queue when he was tantrumming at 3 - it shut him up and was much appreciated, my third was reproved int he park for not waiting his turn - quite right too madame

this is IMO the best way to raise children, so they know that the standards of behaviour expected of them are not family-personal but society wide

nobody I have ever encountered (been a parent for 17 years nearly and lived in 3 different areas geographically) would "report to a parent" unless a serious incident that parent needs to deal with so I find it difficult to understand babydubs assertion that that's what happens in her area

I think it's quite important that children make relationships with all the adults that deal with them. Once at school a teacher disciplines children, doesn't gicve a list at the end of the day of things for the parent to deal with - and if a child is in the presence of a relative when committing a misdemeanor it is, IMO, quite reasonable for the adult to take reasonable disciplinary measures.

Otherwise children will think they can get away with things when the parent is absent.

And you don't want a child who every time they are (rightfully) in troubl at school comes and 'tells on' the teacher, expecting you to stick uyp fr them.

It takes a village to raise a child - you have given your child a certain message by reacting in this way!

I hope you and your DB make up!

I would be happy if he had disciplined my child, esp as he did it in a nice way and did the same thing as you would have done. I wouldn't have been v happy at being kicked by a 5yo, or having my child kicked, either!! So I think YABU.

You overreacted. I'm firmly in the it takes a village to raise a child camp.

you have over reacted because you were embarrassed about what your son and done and the fact that your brother felt it necessary to punish him. It doesn't 'look good' does it?