relatives disciplining my child

[bunniesmum]

To cut a long story short, I have 2 very boyish boys, 11 and 5. Family get together at weekend. 5 year old son called his 7 year old cousin a baby and she started crying. My brother intervened (I am in another room while this is going on). My 5 year old kicked cousin in shin and kicked his uncle. Next thing I know, my brother is leading my crying son to naughty step and telling him off. I flew off handle and said it was not his place to punish my child and that he should have told me what had happened and I could then discipline him. We had a big argument and are now barely speaking. Having put it down in black and white it sounds like I may have overeacted ? Just wanted an opinion really.

I'm not annoyed, I think you are foolish.

OP,deffo overreacted, my db and dsis discipline my children and i their dc's. They are my family, if they can't discipline my dc's , who can?
When i was growing up, we were disciplined by relatives, neighbours, strangers and it was seen as the norm.
That's why there is no discipline , because people are unable to accept that their little 'Johnny' is a pain in the arse.

Colditz I dont get your problem. I have clearly said that this is the way i was raised and my only experience of parenting. I dont know anyone that would punish someone else child, Are you seriously saying that everyone i know is a dick?? really?? get over yourself, different stokes and all that.

And dont you dare question my expectations for my children, who are you to do that?

Ooo-er get you. You asked for people's opinions and got them and now you are having a little tantrum?
If you didn't want other people to comment, you should have kept your virtual mouth shut. If you know you are right, why bother posting?

''When i was growing up, we were disciplined by relatives, neighbours, strangers and it was seen as the norm.''

This is my point, this isnt my norm, i dont know anyone who would do this, i am not surrounded by serial killers or even general arseholes, just normal people.

Its just different. i cant think of a situation in RL that would have even needed this. Sorry

goblin? is that to me? i dont get it?

i havent asked for opinions i just replied to a thread with my experience.

Fortunately a 'My children are not 'retards', you will stop doing that and where are your parents?' was enough to make them go pale and their eyes go like saucers. Couldn't find their father or mother though.

But that would be perfect wouldnt it? all round? This is more my experience if that makes sence?

It's the way you were raised, and it's turned you into someone who thinks that your children should never be punished by anyone else, no matter what they've done, or whether or not you are there.

It may be normal for you, but I'd call that a big fat parenting fail, to be honest.

There has never been a reason for it though. i have never witnessed someone punish someone elses child. What do you want me to do about it, am i supposed to go round my whole (very large) family and tell them everyone is wrong even though there is no actual problem. My neighbours too? Old school friends, work friends? really? EVERYONE is wrong?

Agree with Colditz, i cannot abide parents who see no fault in their children.

Well that is what i said. i wouldnt want anyone else punishing my child, no naughty step or curfews or withdrawal of privilages etc, like in the op with naughty step etc. How would anyone else know exactly what i would do, they wouldnt, so id rather be left to it thanks. And i dont see it as my place to do that to anyone elses child.

As i said, the whole ''dont do that do this'' strain, or as below, ''ill be finding your parents you oik'' fine, but above that i just dont think its anyone elses place.

However this all goes out the window if someone were to hit my DC as then the whole being tiger teeth would probably apply. thats a laughing one.

Do you plan for this to include school, BDE? Are you going to be one of those parents who rings and says 'my little angel isn't doing detention' - they always have the best behaved children...

As i have clearly said, no, schools are loco parentis and i am happy with that situation. I have said this already though.

I agree to some extent with babydubs. I think the point is she'd want to be the one that gives the sanction to her children knowing what would work and wouldn't work with them.( excluding schools) Everyone has different ways of punishing children, some agree with smacking and some don't, for example. I'd find it difficult to discipline someone else's child further than telling them" it's not nice, don't do it etc".
For me, I don't think there's anything wrong with someone else telling my child off and then relaying it back to me and then letting me deal with the behaviour in a way I know my child will listen and correct or giving them the correct punishment. But I think the worse thing would be for someone to discipline in a different way that is counterproductive or lecturing them in a way that may be misunderstanding for the child or cause confusion as to the right way to behave.

Colditz is speaking a lot of sense here.. In fact this is one of the issues on MN where I often feel like tearing my hair out, but there seems to be a lot of people talking sense here.
I feel very strongly on the "it takes a village" argument.. From Monday to Friday my children are in a big city, insular, quite private and with very clear distinctions between everybody's personal space. We spend weekends in a little village where the children receive all sorts of input from other adults, from 20 to 90.. Sometimes that input has been a good telling off. I feel the benefits to the children are enormous..
And I worry that, try as we might, nobody can do it all on their own.

I explained to my brother that I would have had no problem with him telling my son off but I just dont feel happy with anyone physically taking my son to the naughty step

That's funny. For me, if my brother had come along & said "Deal with your child" I would have felt very got at, like there was a subtext of "Why can't you control this child, why weren't you in here dealing with it from the start?!"

Whereas if he said
"Things got heated so I told him to sit here for a while" I'd be feeling "Okay, not good, but not horrendous, I'm glad that someone sensible dealt with it so well."

mamsnet- i dont think it needs to be a literal village
my 'village' is an inner city community

Listen to your DH.

Your brother led him to the naughty step - that's all. He didn't pick him up and smack his arse as I would have been tempted to when he kicked his daughter and him.

If it had been my son he would have been told off again - not been made to feel he was in the right!

The day I feel the need to take a child to it's parents to be told off, like a child myself, is the day that person & I no longer spend any time together.

Frankly, I think you owe your brother a big apology and your son owes them both one too. I think a 'sorry' card would be appropriate from your DS to his cousin & uncle - one he has made. It's not 'boyish' its unacceptable.

your brother did the right thing

Of course it doesn't have to be a literal village! You are very lucky to have found this in an urban setting. Where I live, people tend to be very restricted by homework and after school activities so the same level of interaction with other families quite simply doesn't happen.
Of course, the relative safety to play outside is a big factor..

I would always want a member of my family or a close friend felt that they could discipline my ds if I wasn't there. I'd be glad that the message of acceptable and unnacceptable behaviour was being reinforced.