Terrible life with adult daughter

[sarah166]

This is going to sound ridiculous but I am putting it out here in the hope that someone can help me. I am really at the end of my tether. Granted, it has taken me a long, long time to get there, but I am finally there and I need some help otherwise I really am going to go mad.

Me and DH have two daughters aged 17 and 24, both still living at home. The older one has always been very challenging from being a toddler. She went though the terrible teens phase, well, terribly. Looking back, I suppose she never did anything that bad- lying, drinking, smoking and mega-tantrums, possibly all normal for some teenagers, but believe me, if you were there at the time it was simply awful.

When she was about 17, it looked like she had turned a corner. She took her A Levels and got a place at college and settled down to do her degree. As she was still living at home (her choice, the option to go away to study was always there) it wasn't always easy to say the least but she graduated but since then, it has all gone downhill.

She hasn't been able to hold down a job since she graduated and although she has been made redundant a couple of times, she has mostly been sacked a few weeks (or even days) into the job for lateness, rudeness, laziness or similar. The longest she has ever held down a job was for six months. Her attitude towards work stinks, quite frankly. Now she is unemployed and although she is applying for jobs and does get a few interviews, I don't really expect her to get a job any time soon. She won't apply for jobs outside the local area as she says "it costs thousands to move towns" She has never made any financial contribution here, as even when she was working, she said she needed pretty much all of her money for her car, petrol etc and she would start paying board when she had paid of her (relatively modest) overdraft, which she never did. In hindsight we know we should have made her pay even a modest amount of board, but we were trying to help her on her way financially after uni. She has no intention of moving out as not only is she in no financial position to do so, she is mean beyond belief and would not pay rent on a house or for bills and groceries when she can live here for free.

Her opinions and views on life, which she has no qualms about expressing to pretty much anyone, are sometimes beyond belief. The other day she parked in a parent and child bay at the supermarket and when a member of the public took her to task over this she replied "I will park where I want".

She regularly has tantrums over nothing and the other week she trashed her sister's bedroom because someone had finished off a packet of biscuits. She shouts and screams every day over nothing and constantly rants about her life as soon as either me or her dad get in from work.

I am not saying me and my husband did everything right but I honestly do not know why she is like she is. My younger daughter certainly has her moments but she is a good kid, works hard at college and is well-liked. My two sisters and my nieces and nephews simply cannot stand my older daughter and find it difficult to spend any time with her. This is awkward as we have all been so close and do lots together as a family, but I can't say I blame them at all.

So what do we do? She's not going anywhere soon.

Please help.

You poor thing. She sounds absolutely vile.

Does she ever go out? She must do. Next time she does, change the locks and don't let her back in. If she wants to sit outside and shout and bawl, let her. She'll have to find somewhere to go when it gets dark/she gets cold/she gets hungry/needs a wee. She cannot POSSIBLY sit outside forever; that's a bit of a weak excuse for not doing it before, IMO.

When she realises you mean business, hand her a suitcase with a change of clothes/other essentials in and give her the address of a B&B.

TBH you're not doing her any favours at all by being such a daffodil. Of COURSE she's not going to sort herself out until she's forced to. Why should she?! Who would?!

If she sits in the street making a fuss I would place a huge sign board in your from window saying..."we are sorry that it has come to this, but you have treated us like crap, and are still doing so. You forced us into this....."

It is that easy to chuck her out, especially if she has friends who's floor she could crash on, not like she'd be sleeping on a park bench is it ?

Tell her she has X amount of time to find her own place. Then if she stays put pack up her stuff and change the locks. Its time you stopped making life easy. Life is neither fair nor easy and as soon as she realises this, she may just grow up and take responsibility for the rest of her life.

Sounds awful.

Your responses do have a hint of "Why don't you? Yes, but...." about them.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis#Why_Don.27t_You.2FYes_But

It's a difficult situation. She's not going to change. She won't. Why should she.

So you need to decide what's going to happen next, rather than waiting for something (what?) to happen. If you do you'll be typing the same thing in 5 years.

Best of luck.

OP I cannot give you any advice based on experience, I'm not there yet, but I have to say that I think the time for softly-softly has passed, unless there are some other factors which you haven't yet divulged?

At your DD's age I was married with a baby. I have lived with my parents' since and have always paid rent, been respectful and appreciated them.

I get a sense of a feeling of impotence from you (and your DH) The time has come for you to be enjoying dreading your lives together without your children, the time has come for YOU.

Enough. Take Maryz's advice. Lay down the law, make contracts and stick by it.

Good luck.

everything everyone is saying makes utter sense and once again I am grateful for your replies.

My niece says that the only way she will voluntarily move out is if she meets a man who owns a house and earns enough to pay for everything for them both. As this is never going to happen, I know I have to confront this properly once and for all.

My daughter cannot see why she would be expected to make any sort of contribution when on JSA, or be expected to move out at this time. She does have a very vague long term plan of get a job, save up and move out but this always falls down at the second point, of not the first.

I have thought about this for years now but you are all right, I need a plan of action with an expiry date.

Marry. I understand what you are saying but she is 24. She should understand the effect she is having on her family. I was kicked out and yes I was angry, but in no way do I ever blame my mother. I know now that it was the best thing she ever did for me....for once she followed through with her threats and I was and but it did the trick...

I meant Maryz!!

QuelleLeJeff- no, I don't think there are any underlying issues. We WANT her to go, I cannot stand her and my husband feels the same. The only reservation I have about throwing her out is that she might inflict herself upon extended family.

You say we make it easy for her and perhaps in some ways (providing food and shelter) we do, but she cannot be enjoying the situation any more than we are. She must be miserable too. What I don't get is why doesn't she WANT to make more of her life and why can't she see that opportunities are not going to fall out of the sky?

When I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl almost 25 years ago, I imagined many things, some of them pretty terrible (you can't help it, can you?) but never once did it cross my mind I would have a 25 year old teenager still living at home, one who I dread seeing and spending time with.

Can't believe this one !

Sorry Sarah but this is ludicrous !! Yes, your kids are always your babies but she is a grown woman for Gods sake.

I am no expert obviously but I would call your GP and ask for a home visit PDQ.

I picked up instantly on the phrase " I think all the fight has gone out of me" or words to that effect. Time to call in the professionals when you feel that low.

Does not mean you or your husband have failed simply means your daughter needs help.

I do know someone who was in a similar situation with their child - police round, stuff broken stuff stolen, house used as a doss, no job no contribution basically just making life miserable.
They moved to a different country . . .

She almost certainly does need professional help. Or at least a medical opinion on whether she needs help or not. How I get her to seek that opinion, I don't know. To people who don't know her, she comes across as amiable and quite good fun. For a short time.

In the past she has found it relatively easy to get jobs. Then when she has worked there a few weeks (even days), people see what she is really like.

Once again, thank you to all who have replied. Just getting it off my chest has helped enormously.

Sarah
Make an appointment with your GP - go alone and explain, write down if necessary her behaviour patterns. Take it from there - one step at a time as they say.

I'm sure you will find help and pretty sure seeing your distress GP will suggest a home visit if she will not cooperate.

Thing is , you have to act no matter how low you feel.

This is not normal behaviour Sarah - keep that thought.

Sarah - please don't think I was being harsh or judgemental of you at all. As I stated, I am giving advice from the standpoint of a) someone who has not been in your shoes and b) someone who has not been in your DD's shoes. I was trying to be compassionate (er...did I fail at expressing that? I can be a little blunt sometimes)

The point I was trying to make is that the feeling of impotence comes across to me in your posts, You cannot make your DD feel anything right now; she has the cushion of a comfy home and an (some might say) easy life.

Her behaviour is now beyond the pale, and the time has come for you AND your husband to act - this is not just down to you, he needs to support you in this and you need to show a united front to your DD (and I'm sure she is your darling girl - but she is behaving VERY badly now)

Time to act.

Unfortunatley nothing you do will change, you don't take board and lodgings so she has no need to move out, you allow her to trash her sisters bedroom so she will continue to do so, you allow her to behave in this manner.

if talking was going to work it would have worked years ago -sorry

It is beyond talking, tell her to leave and make her own life or you will be forced to leave home before your dd - in actual fact that is nothing keeping you and your dh from leaving the home and renting it to them - put all the bills in your dd name and bugger of to a little place of your own and don't even think I am joking

Sarah, I also have an incomprehensible child and DP has one too. Mine is so different from his sister you'd hardly think they had the same upbringing or gene pool. But kids grow up and when they are adults, well, they are who they are. I can see from my DP that it's a terrible feeling to know you don't like your own child, that there is a not very nice stranger in your household.

You've done everything you possibly could, given her every chance in the world. You now have the horrible choice of carrying on putting up with this or being very very tough on her indeed and putting up with all the unplesantness and fallout from that.

Same question as to those dithering in unhappy marriages - can you stand another 20 years of this? Do you want to be here when she's 45 and you are pensioners? Grit your teeth, maybe find out what will happen to her if she is made homeless so you can give her a forwards plan, and cut the apron strings.

Oh no QuelleLeJeff, I didn't feel you were being harsh or judgemental at all, no one has been.

I do feel impotent, to be honest. Well, not all the time but certainly some of the time it all feels hopeless. It's not that I blame myself, even if I did, that doesn't really matter as we need a practical solution.

I will make an appointment to see my GP, this seems a reasonable place to start.

Sarah, this sounds so much like my brother and has caused my family no end of stress. I am the older one and we have ALWAYS tiptoed around him as once you say no or upset him the chaos that follows is a nightmare. My brother is now nearly 26 and has finally sorted himself out. About 2yrs ago my parents went away for 6 weeks and were really worried about how he would cope at home alone. I was heavily pregnant so made it clear to them that I wouldn't help out/check on him but they had to go abroad for dad's job.

Well it turned out to be the best thing that happened. When they got back he had kept the house in order, and had started applying for jobs. A few weeks later he got the job he still has now. He has been paying rent and unknown to him my parents have kept it for him for when he moves out...which is in 2 weeks!

I have a little boy and he is fab with him and now pops round for a play and I genuinely...for the first time ever..enjoy his company!

He's not quite there yet as not many 'grown up' friends just mostly the waifs and strays from his smoking days but he's beginning to get bored of them.

All I wanted to say is that it takes something like that for kids like this to realise how lucky they are. My brother had always complained about how rubbish his life was and how my parents were awful to him. We were worried he was depressed but I actually just think he was spoilt and could get away with certain behaviour so that's what he did.

Hope you work things out but I know how hard it is in the meantime

Sounds like she could be suffering from depression and can't see a way out. So she takes the comfort zone way out rather than have to face reality. Anti-depressents may help. Also sounds like she doesn't have much self confidence?? But as they say 'nothing changes if nothing changes.' If she won't make the changes then you'll have to do it for her - throwing her out may be setting her up to fail which will decrease her confidence even more but you certainly need to insist on changes - however small.

Ask her (when she's having a good day) what she would like to change - she doesn't sound happy so I'm sure she wants to change something. Then offer to support her to make the change in small steps - even a doctors appointment, or agreeing to look into volunteering - if you help.

Good luck, I don;t envy you X

Well done Sarah !
First positive move and away you go. As I have said your GP will help, the difference between a spoilt child and someone needing treatment are miles apart .

I wish you well.